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DAMN DAMN DAMN! i had to go and do it didn't i?
*sighs* ok, this could get weird...
i watched alexander today, and i was sitting on the bus coming back to uni, and feeling all pensive... well nothing unusual there, i'm always like that after a movie (usually wishing i could fence/fight like that lol) but today i was thinking of alexander and hephastion (and wishing i could jared leto!) and that led me to thikning of how alexander must have felt at hephastion's death. i used to be really cold hearted, the only time i;ve ever lost anyone close to me, i didn't really feel anythin.g i lost a pet once quite a young age, and was really cut up about it, and ever since then, i taughtr myself to control my emotions, i blocked it all up inside. i liked star trek at the time, i thought vulcans were amazingly cool lol *embarrassed grin* when i lost my grandad, i felt nothin,g i swear... and my ex girlfriend said getting emotions outta me was like getting blood out of a stone. i was kinda proud of that though, nobody could "read" me, and i proud of that.
then a load of things happened. i had an emotional relationship with eothain the spring of 2004, i never thought i could feel like that... and when i was recovering from the downside of that break up, i met Tim... and that brought me right back up again, before, like a rollercoaster thinks all went wrong with that and i had an all time low, as timmy and some others here know.
ever since those 2 events... i just havn't been able to control my emotions any more... its just all come right out, like tim slammed a demolition ball into all the walls i'd built. while i was with him, that wasn;t a bad thing at all... but now its all the negative stuff thats coming out. one of my few frineds here shcoked me to the core when he said he could read me like a book, and proved it... sure he was a physc student, but even so...
the trouble is, now, the slightest thng sets me off, and once i start its like i'm in this downward cycle for the rest of the day, and it always ends up with my crying myself to sleep... yeah, even at 19 i still hug my pillow and cry my eyes out... somme of my hall mates think i'm a bit of a loner (well i am) truth is i don;t trust myself not to break down in company...
anyways, today, it was the love of alexander and hephastion and his death that set me up. i came home and put on some depressing music, to suit my mood... bonnie tyler, and some other peaceful stuff that either soothes me ,or depresses me...
but just about anything can set me off... i have pics of tim in my room, i still miss him badly, and love him, and the few times i get to talk or meet him just seem to make it worse, like i get used to being away from him, and then i see him again and everything all comes crashing downn on me. one of my friends has suggested maybe i should let him go, move on and forget about tim, but i still love him, and so long as he loves me, i can't do that, i just can't.
what annoys me is, once i am depressed, i do everything i can to make it worse. i can't help myself. i put on the really alow music instead of my dance stuff which would probably cheer me up. in the cinema, i was dreaming of kissing jared leto (hephastion) and when i got home, it was more like wishing i could kiss anyone... and then i went looking around the net for pictures of boys kissing... god knows why... it just made me more depressed.
i badly badly need sommeone who loves me right now, or at least cares for me. sommeone who can support me and i can trust enough to tell them everything. i need someoone i can cry to who'll hug me and tell me everything will be alrite.... sure i have lots of people like that, but all of them are online, and while i'm esppecially grateful to sammy and saben... its just not the same...
the only guy i know here who's like that (the friend i mentioned earlier) has issues with physical contact oz of some stuff that happened to him... and he;s really busy with exams and his new boyfriend right now, so i hav;nt seen him in weeks anyway...
is it just me, or does everyone feel this lonely? all my virtual friends are really great people and all... but most of oyu aren;t even in the same country... malta australia canada america turkey... geez...
and you know what makes it worse? being bloody gay... i hate it sometimes, it means i can't go to just anyone, i can't, i don;t dare talk about my feelings and emotions to some of the guys in my hall, they;re all really good people but i don;t think they'd understand at all... besides, i never did get up the courage to tell them what i am... and they're not the sort of people i can ask for emotional support anyway really... i just have to keep bottling up, and letting it out every night but i get worse... and i'm afraid somethings gonna blow one day...
(btw, if anyone suggests talking to a councillor, i'll scream. i tried that before, andi hated it... i was so nervous talking to a stranger, and she couldn't help anyway... all she did was listen... i need some ohysical suport, and someone who can be there for me, not just when i have an appointment, besides, she thinks i'm "cured" after i steadily grew calmer and less emotional when i talked with her...)
Odi et amo: quare id faciam, fortasse requiris.
Nescio, set fieri sentio et excrucior
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Don't worry too much about having a 'down' day (or two) from time to time: it's a perfectly natural part of the process of grieving over a relationship that is over or 'indefinitely on hold'. I still get days like that - and it's 3 years since my ex. emigrated to the USA (we'd been sort-of together for 12 years, lived together on-and-off ...). I'm not saying to wallow in it - but the odd day's depresso is *not* a sign of cracking up, or necessarily needing a counsellor or whatever.
You said "what annoys me is, once i am depressed, i do everything i can to make it worse. i can't help myself. i put on the really alow music instead of my dance stuff which would probably cheer me up. in the cinema, i was dreaming of kissing jared leto (hephastion) and when i got home, it was more like wishing i could kiss anyone... and then i went looking around the net for pictures of boys kissing... god knows why... it just made me more depressed." I don't think it's bad to recognise feelings of being down, and sometimes I do think they need to be worked through rather than trying to cheer oneself up or pretend they don't exist. A damn good cry can be very theraputic, emotionally and physically (something to do with the body's endophins, I think) - I'm not ashamed to admit that I certainly find it so.
*If* you're getting a *real* lot of very down days, it could be that a bunch of emotional stuff is piling up - I'm NOT a believer in drugs (Prozac or whatever), but you might find it worth trying St John's Wort tablets (over-the-counter at any good chemist or healthfood type shop) to help take the jaggedy edge off things ... my GP suggested them & they definitely helped me, but your mileage may vary.
Hope this is some help.
NW
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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Very sensible advice, NW. I agree--a few down days that last no more than a day or two, do not a depression make. It's a natural response to the events of the day.
I'm glad to hear that someone else has the same response to films that i do...i usually spend the rest of the day in an altered mind set after seeing a good film. I really liked "Alexander" btw...I had a book about famous horses when i was a kid, and Alexander's horse Bellephron was in it, so it was fun to see his story in the movie too. And i can't tell you how nice it was to see a mainstream film that openly acknowleged the lover's relationship between Achilles and Patroclus, at long last (something which you will notice "Troy" did not).
As for wearing you heart on your sleeve...I think a little emotional fragility is to be expected after the end of an intense relationship. And because this ia a relatively new state for you, it probably feels a lot more intense than is apparent to someone who is just watching you.
cheers!
aj
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
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the Black Prince wrote:
> but just about anything can set me off... i have pics of tim in my room, i still miss him badly, and love him, and the few times i get to talk or meet him just seem to make it worse, like i get used to being away from him, and then i see him again and everything all comes crashing downn on me. one of my friends has suggested maybe i should let him go, move on and forget about tim, but i still love him, and so long as he loves me, i can't do that, i just can't.
> what annoys me is, once i am depressed, i do everything i can to make it worse. i can't help myself. i put on the really alow music instead of my dance stuff which would probably cheer me up. in the cinema, i was dreaming of kissing jared leto (hephastion) and when i got home, it was more like wishing i could kiss anyone... and then i went looking around the net for pictures of boys kissing... god knows why... it just made me more depressed.
> i badly badly need sommeone who loves me right now, or at least cares for me. sommeone who can support me and i can trust enough to tell them everything. i need someoone i can cry to who'll hug me and tell me everything will be alrite.... sure i have lots of people like that, but all of them are online, and while i'm esppecially grateful to sammy and saben... its just not the same...
> the only guy i know here who's like that (the friend i mentioned earlier) has issues with physical contact oz of some stuff that happened to him... and he;s really busy with exams and his new boyfriend right now, so i hav;nt seen him in weeks anyway...
>
> is it just me, or does everyone feel this lonely? all my virtual friends are really great people and all... but most of oyu aren;t even in the same country... malta australia canada america turkey... geez...
Although i'm only 17 , the section i quoted is like hearing myself talk. It is exactly how i feel. Specially the part in bold letters. My ex tried to contact me, but this time however, i didn't want everything enter depression again, so i just had to kick him out of my life in a rather rude way which he got angry about. I still love him to death, i'll never stop loving him but he doesn't see me that way and well everytime he comes back ( even when i have gotten used to the idea of him not being there ) everything comes crashing down again and i have to start over. I didn't let him reappear in my life again.
As for the rest of the stuff you said, my mouth dropped open when i noticed you just wrote exactly how i'm feel.
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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a slight difference is that that me and tim aren't ex's we're still together, and want to be together, but circumstances have thrown us some way apart, and people are trying even harder to stop us even communicating, let alone seeing each other. we don't, neither of us, want it to be this way, and we take every opportunity we can to be together, i can't speak for tim, but it hurts me everytime i have to leave him, and it takes me at least 6 weeks to pull myself back together again afterward...
Odi et amo: quare id faciam, fortasse requiris.
Nescio, set fieri sentio et excrucior
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the Black Prince wrote:
> then a load of things happened. i had an emotional relationship with eothain the spring of 2004, i never thought i could feel like that... and when i was recovering from the downside of that break up, i met Tim... and that brought me right back up again, before, like a rollercoaster thinks all went wrong with that and i had an all time low, as timmy and some others here know.
> ever since those 2 events... i just havn't been able to control my emotions any more... its just all come right out, like tim slammed a demolition ball into all the walls i'd built.
i wish someone would do that for me 
(well, ok, maybe someone is helping with that, and i'm just being stubborn)
anyway, i guess my point is that i know how you ... uh.. felt.
rodney
"more tongue and groove than a hardwood floor"
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