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I touched on this in a previous thread, and have had a couple of exchanges of mails with Timmy. I'd really value any constructive thoughts or perspectives on the problems that are bugging me (and I'm expecting a pretty mixed reaction) - but please be gentle as I'm fairly new to this forum!
Here's the text of my first mail to Timmy (italics), and his responses interleaved (yes, he's agreed that I can post them).
> Hi Timmy
>
> your reply was really helpful in clarifying a number of issues for me.Thanks so much for your offer of talking in private. I'm following up by e-mail rather than on the forum, as I'm a pretty new member and am not sure quite how this would go down with the other guys, but I'd be happy to put this mail on the forum if you think it might be useful to others (in spite of the probably miniscule risk that the other person involved might be part of, or join, the forum).
You know, if he joins he joins. Does that actually matter?
>
> Very briefly,
> I was in the 4th form at school and W. was in the U6th - around 5 years age difference. We got friendly (much against ethos of single-sex school) via various clubs. Did a lot together out of school - walks, museum trips, that kind of stuff. W. had a fair number of 'little friends' but I somehow was more of a 'special friend'. Friendship continued after W. left school to go to local college. I knew he was interested in sex, and I knew I was gay (even if I did rather hope it was a phase I'd grow out of). We went on holiday together (with his Mum) - same room separate beds, even though I did hope he'd invite me into his for a cuddle, it didn't happen. Back from holiday, there was a spare hour before he took me home, ended up having sex (his idea). My first orgasm, apart from one wet dream (yeah, really - and not for want of trying on my part ...). It felt rather rushed and furtive.
Readingoin it seems he was stuck into "little boys". I think he woudl have outgrown you, you know. he was a user. But he will also have loved you deeply. you do know he loved oyu? It is also clear somehow.
> We continued seeing each other, and having sex, and pretty soon that's all W. wanted to do. No walks, no talks, no just doing things and being friends ... just sex. So I told him that I felt we needed to stop having sex for a bit and do other things things together. Also that I needed to get my head together a bit, deal with my parents divorce, spend a bit of time with friends my own age ... but that I was definitely not calling a permanent stop to having sex & I cared about him.
It is clear you loved him too.
> I don't blame him for sulking - anyone would have. I do blame him for trying to come on hot&heavy several times that afternoon - the last time was virtually attempted rape. I was really pretty scared by this. We had a few phone conversations after that, but I was too scared to meet him on his own, and he didn't want to meet in a more public setting, so that was that. He did end up writing my mum a hysterical letter, claiming that all he'd ever wanted was to be a substitute father to me after my parents divorce - fortunately I recognised the handwriting and intercepted the letter before mum got to see it!
While he loved you, he was not a pleasant fellow, not in his true light at least
> I next saw him five and a half years later. I'd gone back to school (founders' day kind of event) as my younger brother and various friends were ending the U6th and had various bits of work in exhibitions at the school. I saw W. (by then aged around 24/25) disappearing round the far end of the chapel, accompanied by a small and obviously adoring flock of 13-year-olds. It was pretty clear that he hadn't changed his ways.
>
Do oyu ever wonder how he enticed 13/14 year olds at 25? I certainly do
>
> For the next thirty-odd years, it wasn't anything I thought too much about.
>
> Then, a couple of years ago, I was in a meeting with a couple of colleagues, discussing which of our staff we should require to have Criminal Records checks as their work involves regular contact with children and/or vulnerable adults. I'd already volunteered myself for such checks, to set an example to my staff. The subject then got on to 'child abuse', and 'grooming' . I had a sudden insight that in many respects W.'s approach to me (and others) had been classic grooming. Ever since then, I've been struggling to come to grips with this.
when you were 13/14 and he was 18 or so, he was not grooming you. he was infatuated with you. You did nothing to encourage him nor are you in any way responsible for his later behaviour. he will have loved you, and yes, that will have included sex.
>
> I guess the major issues I'm facing are:
> you're right in thinking that at some level its left me with a feeling that sex can be 'dirty' - a feeling I have overcome on occasion, but I've been celibate for nearly twenty years now, which can't be healthy.
I suspect you do rathe rneed to get laid, to put it very crudely. We all need it. It;s fun, and it is emotional contact with another human being.
> the feeling that W. used me just as a convenient 13/14 year old who would say 'yes', and that the relationship was based on exploitation not (at minimum) friendship, or - as I had hoped - some kind of love. To feel fully replaceable by any other kid of the same age makes me feel like a Kleenex. (although successful professionally, at a personal level I have massive self-esteem problems largely arising from this)
All i have as a framne of reference is me. I woudl cheerfully have made love to (note not "fucked") over 50 boys at my school. I can see them name them and remember them. But not as a kleenexe. As living, warm sentient boys who wanted me in return. Only a few did i have some emotional connection with, and they rest woudl have been "no strings" but the experience woudl not have been user or used. I ownder if thathelps at all?
> a feeling of guilt that, although I suspect I was not W.'s 'first', I may have been either second or third, and may have unwittingly helped confirm him in behaviour patterns that are potentially very damaging to the younger party
or first. or 10th. Does it matter? because only he is repsonsible for his actions. We all make those choices and he has made his choice
> a genuine uncertainty as to whether it's appropriate for me to try to find out if W. is still having sex with 13/14-yr-olds in this way, and if so, what action if any I should take. (W.'s leisure interests were such that he is likely to have continued contact with adolescent boys).
I woudl say this is best left alone. I dont; say this lightly. I say it because you need to retain your own sense of wellbeing. Always rememebr that the Scout movement is founded on peole who love boys. Not that many have the deep sorrows that court cases and attanedant publicity cause.
>
> In short, I don't feel bad about having had sex with someone I cared about. I feel bloody awful about feeling I was manipulated into caring about someone, and therefore having sex with them, and suspecting that I'm neither the first nor the last person they've made feel like this.
there is nothing I can say here that will enable you to do the thing you need to. You know the owrds you need to use about it. It is simply that you are not yet ready to use them.
>
>
> I hope you don't mind me going on like this - once I'd started this mail it all just somehow came tumbling out. I'd really welcome any thoughts you might have.
>
Keep talking.
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I know many people will have strong feelings about this.
May I please remind you about the age of consent in those days: It was 21. Both boys below that age were technically committing a crime. The same crime. Homosecual sex. While the age difference nowadays would categorise this as a person above the age of consent abusing a minor below the age of consent, in those days this did not apply.
When you reply with strong or with gentle feelings, please remember that you are replying to th eyounger boy, and the one who today feels damaged by the experiences he welcomed when a young teenager. Wlak a mil ein his moccassins before an ungentle reply, please
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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A very good point, timmy. While I tend to think of W. as an adult (ie, could drive, buy alcohol, get married etc), in this very important respect we were both definitely under-age.
Male-male sex had at the time only been legal at all in the UK for about eighteen months, and definitely restricted to over-21's, in private (defined as behind locked doors, not in hotels etc, only two people present).
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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In the UK sex between consenting adults (ie those over the age of 21) became lawful in December 1967. This was specificallly restricted to a provate place which meant a truly private place. It defined the legal aspects of the sexual act as being between two people. Thus two men kissing in a room where one other person was present were acting unlawfully.
It could be argued that two men making love in a home where a third persn was present in a different room were acting unlawfully.
These notes on age of consent, and the reminder that adulthood was then 21 are simply important in ensuring that we all understand the very different legalities then. The various legal oddities are part of the reason so many of us of that generation became even more perplexed about what we should do with our lives than either prior generations or future ones.
There was a hue and cry about homosexuality similar to the US Southern Baptist fervour today.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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The more I mull this over the more I think your friend is just like I was. Now I say this from a position of precisely no knowledge of him and only knowledge of myself.
He was a young man who was and almost certainly is attracted to that rather wonderful bloom that puberty brings to both genders. Like me his attraction was limited to boys. Elsewhere I have discussed how this is not perversion, and that human beings are pre-programmed to find this age group attractive in order, when heterosexual, to breed. Please can we discuss that issue in a different thread and leave this one clear for NW?
He found that most glorious of things: A teenage boy at that stage of puberty who was attracted to him. The facts you present of the holiday show that he acted with huge restraint and only offered sex at the very last minute. I suspect that was in part his fear in case you were not receptive, and in part some aspect of his caring for oyu. I want to say something but I can't put my finger on it exactly.
That you wanted sex as well was amazing for him. Again who cares if you were the first or the five hundredth. You and he liked each other as friends. And you liked each other ion the flesh too.
The thing is, you appear to me to be the more mature of the two of you. Wanting to do real things as well as make love is a mark of maturity. He lacked that maturity. In part this points me to his possible emotional state. I have that feeling that he had already locked himself into the "Boys are gorgeous, I am only attracted to boys, it is a phase, I am not a queer, and if I only fancy boys I will not be a queer" stae that I locked myself into.
One of the reasons I have in my mind forthis as well is his unseemly haste to have sex the day you asked him to be a friend again. Time was passing. As time passes teenage boys develop manly characterstics physically. Did he want to have a boy, only, never a man?
My view here is a loud "yes". I feel he was not mature enough to cope with your physical development in addition to your greater intellectual maturity, and that he needed you as a 13 year old, not as an embryo man. His fantasies were all devoid of hair, for example, devoid of stubble. And he loved the fun parts of younger boys - humour, physical closeness that ebbs with age and so forth.
None of these things about him were your doing. Neither were you a "convenient receptacle for his lusts". I will bet you that every boy he has made love to (and I do choose those words carefully), whatever age he has been when the act took place, he has loved deeply. You did nothing "to" him to make him this way. He simply did nothing to try to break free of the wonderful pseudo-world of loving young teenage boys.
None of this lessens the burden that the modern fixation with what it terms paedophilia has placed on your shoulders. Note, too, that I have nowhere said that the way he treated you was in any way right. But I have also not said it was wrong.
One can generalise. One can say "at his age a sexual relationship with a boy five years his junior was wrong, and that generalisation is wholly correct as a generalisation. But you loved him, and you both accepted him and needed him as he was. The difference to me is that you were in a relationship and he was in a fixation. The symotoms were similar, but the ailment was very different.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I have ben scratching my head here and chatting it over with a good friend who helps people who are in a quandry. I have some questions to ask which may help in the resolution. Please don't look for simplistic items in the answers, but answer simply.
one: Which of you initiated the original friendship? I am asking for a "first reaction" here. The answer is going to be "me" or "he" or "both of us".
two: Did you find him attractive from the start? If not, what caused him to become attractive in your eyes?
three: Was sex always on your personal agenda? If not when did it arrive on your agenda?
four: How did he describe how he viewed the relationship to you?
five: You said "sulking". I imagine that summer he had left school so you parted very soon? Or did you see him often after the rift? And what was his attitude to you like?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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one: immediate first response is that it 'feels' like me. However, on ten seconds reflection, it was clearly him.
two: attractive? I had zero friends - of course anyone who took *any* interest in me was attractive as a person. Physically? Not really (ever): curious (he was very hairy, uncut - all the things I'm not) is probably closer to the mark.
three: the possibility of sex was at the back of my mind after the first few time we met. As something to go into together, not as something to get my rocks off (remember, I wasn't far enough into puberty to be able to reach orgasm during most of the 'friendship' stage): really, as something I thought we'd probably explore together once I was physically capable and we were both feeling ready for. [[You're probably right in your previous post when you said that he was kidding himself that if he only liked boys he wasn't really queer: certainly, on the one occasion towards the end of our time together I expressed an interest in investigating anal sex, he reacted with total horror!]]
four: he used the word 'love' a few times over an 18-month period - in retrospect, I think generally when he wanted something (like me to cut school to spend time with him)[sorry - that sounds bitchy, but I think it's true]. Otherwise, he said I was 'special'. I'm not sure that I put any labels on the relationship - he was just him, and my 'slightly unconventional' relationship was something unique in my experience to that point. Generally, we didn't talk about the relationship, just did things together.
five: I used the word 'sulking' because, even at the time, his attitude reminded me of a toddler who throws a tantrum when told he can only have two sweets rather than the whole bag! He'd left school by the time we split up - he was living and attending a college about a mile from school (he still lives there, according to latest electoral roll!) - I lived a dozen miles away in the depths of the country, with last bus home at 1745h. So, after that dreadful afternoon, I didn't meet him again, and didn't happen to run in to him until the episode five or six years later. I felt that his attempts to hassle me into sex, (including attempted blackmail by suggesting he spoke to my mother, saying that if I loved him I'd keep on having sex with him, ...), and physically harrassing approaches (I had to stop sitting next to him as he kept unzipping my trousers and sticking his hand in, and wherever I moved to he'd come and sit next to me and repeat the process) on the last afternoon called for an apology. I would have met him in a safe public place to start re-building the relationship, but he was only interested in private 1-2-1 meeting. After a couple of phone calls like this, I stopped talking to him. Then he wrote to my mother, which I intercepted - for me, that was an ultimate act of betrayal and no reconciliation was possible thereafter: had I seen him, I would undoubtedly have crossed the street to avoid him.
Oh dear, I feel that I didn't answer that last one 'simply'. Indicative of the stress over this that's been building up over the past three-and-a-half decades, I guess.
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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I have a much different opinion of this situation than timmy.
You are the victim of sexual abuse. It may not have been violent, though you did say that he came close to raping you in the end. You may have enjoyed it. But it was abuse nonetheless. He molested you and took advantage of your feelings, your inexperience, your curiosity, and your youth. No matter how willing a participant you were, this was not your fault. You were selected because you were vulnerable.
He may have had feelings for you as timmy suggests, but it isn't likely that he loved you. That is evident in his desperation as you broke things off and in his attempt to rape you and in the letter. The trips and activities were part of the grooming process. He needed you to trust and even love him so that he could manipulate you into having sex. Once you began having sex, the other activities stopped because sex was all that interested him. His anger and irrational vehavior when you called it off was not because he loved you, but because he was losing his victim and would have to start over again with someone else. Victims aren't usuallly easy to replace.
Stop blaming yourself. Even if you wanted sex, this is not your fault that this happened. Sexual predators learn how to select the most vulnerable amoung us. You had lost your father. You were in the throws of puberty. You were gay. This made you a prime target. It is perfectly normal for a 13 year old boy to be interested in sex and to want it to happen. The best sexual predators can even make it seem as though it was your idea.
The laws of the time may have had both of you under the age of consent, but as you pointed out, he was also an adult in many other legal circumstances. Becasue of the vast differences in your ages and his level of maturity compared to your own, I don't buy that this was not abuse or that he was not a predator. I certainly do not agree with timmy that he has loved his victims deeply. Love plays very little role in his actions. Even several years later he was still grooming 13/14 year olds.
You mention that he made you feel like a kleenex becasue you were replaceable. But simply becasue he treated you as such does not make it so. Remeber, he is the one who has the sickness, not you. Sex itself is not dirty. It can be cheap, it can be beautiful. It is what you make of it. Your feelings for him and for what you did together are genuine. It sounds to me as though you believed in what you were doing at the time. Don't let what actually happened change your view of sex in general. Simply because it wasn't for him what it was for you doesn't make your feelings any less valid. Be thankful that you got out of it when you did. But also be thankful that it was gentle and kind while it lasted. Use it as an experience to grow from, not one to shrink away from.
As for what to do with your knowlege of him and that he may still be molesting boys, that is up to you. Victims need to get on with their lives. sometimes that means putting it all behind you and just moving forward. Sometimes that means confronting their abuser. Legally, you can't really do the latter as it sounds as though too much time has passed and that it may not have been illegal at the time. But if you do feel the need to stop him, then tipping off the authorities might be a place to start. either way, do what is best for you.
Think good thoughts,
e
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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This truly helps. The questions only sounded naive. They had the purpose of letting you choose to strip away the romance, if you chose. I have now varied my initial reaction and am in line with e's appraisal. As time passes we may vary that appraisal several times. I think that's ok.
Now I know he barely used the word "love" I can see that you were swept off your feet by someone less than savoury.
The great thing is that you are now able to be angry with him. And he deserves the anger. He might even deserve to know that you are angry. That comes later.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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As you'll see my views have altered based on NW's latest information. He has been treated shabbily for sure, and been in a realtionshiop that was not posotive. He does not want to use words like "abused" because that gives him "victim status" and allows W to have power over him still. So, if we describe it as an undesirable realtionship I think we meet his needs well
Let's catalyse him in his own decisions, and make sure he feels safe to make the decisions he will make, though. We cannot make decisions for him. And we also must be happy if he does not accept our advice
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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thanks timmy and e.
I'm now a *lot* clearer that it's legitimate for me to feel angry about all this - I generally try not to get angry over personal issues (although 'social justice / diversity' issues are another matter entirely), as I find it totally non-constructive. In this case I'm not gonna fight it any longer. Yes, I'm bloody angry about the way I was treated.
You both seem fairly clear that I have no reason to feel unclean or 'used like a kleenex' over this. Keep telling me! I don't really understand why I do feel like this, and I'm going to have to try and unpick this area a bit further. I'm sure it ties in with feeling guilty. I have always tried to be responsible for the consequences of my own actions (from well before that age), which is why I'm very uneasy about the 'victim' thing. There may also be some element that a person I adored and hero-worshipped and whose judgement I absolutely trusted signalling that he was not interested in my company only my body - and me at some level buying in to this implied judgement. Perhaps there's also a point that W. was so worried about other people finding out that we were having sex that he was extremely furtive about it all. Left to my own devices, I tended to say that I'd been round to his place to listen to music - he tended to make up a tissue of lies about what he'd done that implied we hadn;t been together, leaving me to have to cobble together some pathetic excuse as to what I'd been doing ...
As regards confrontation, exposure, etc. If I had solid evidence that W. was still having similar relationships with 13/14 yr olds, I'd report it straight away. I feel I'd have to - if there's even a moderate chance it would help stop one kid going through what I did (and am), and it's not as though I owe W. any favours (another realisation the messages on the forum have helped me achieve). However, the only way I'm going to know this is if I deliberately find out in one way or another - this would feel awfully like deliberate revenge, which is something I don't do.
As it happens, our school is having an important anniversary year this year, and there are half a dozen events lined up from April to July, to which all ex-pupils have been invited. I'm considering going along to them, and keeping my eyes open in case W. turns up (with or without a crowd of adoring 13-yr-olds). A number of school acquaintances from my year, with whom I am still in touch, will be attending these - there's no way I'd even think about it without some kind of support or backup.
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Th epart about being in the eceiving end of unwelcome attentions is that people tend to feel guilt. It should be those who force their attentions on others who feel it. However they feel they have done nothing wrong.
This is the reason why I apologised to the boy I obsessed over. In case anything I had done had made him uncomfy. I know I did that poorly, but I did it. Not a hope of an apology from W.
However, the sex per se was consensual. Well until the last event at least. And he has not ruined your life nor damaged your body. So, while you were used you were not harmed. Except intellectually, and that harm you have held inside you for a long time. Time to be rid of that I think.
There is an argument that says "show your therapist this thread". Print it out and take it next time.
And do, for once, get angry. You are allowed anger. As lomng as it is constructive.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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I agree with e........
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I need to remind you all of this:
"I'm currently going through something similar dealing with having been the recipient of inappropriate sexual attention (well, I refuse to be the "victim of child abuse") in my early teens: I'm now pushing 50 and have been stressing about this and its continuing impact on me for the past year or so."
Please stay within NW's chosen framework
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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First I will state that there is nothing wrong with admitting that you were a victim. Each of us has been victimized at some point in our lives. For some it was far worse, for others not nearly as bad (I'm not just talking about sexual abuse, but life in general). It is what happens after you've admitting to being a victim that matters. Many people fall into the role of 'playing the victim' which is quite unhealthy and often sets a pattern that encourages others to victimize them again. Others retreat or shut themselves off from 'normal' situations in an attempt to protect themselves and then fail to experience 'life.' Both are 'victims'. The first group sets themselves up for others to victiimize them, the second victimizes themselves. The positive thing to do is to examine what happened and why, then take steps to prevent it from happening again thus removing yourself from the victim's role and enabling yourself to live a more 'normal' life. Seeing yourself as having been a victim may actually help with being able to recover from being a victim.
As for the anger, this is also perfectly normal and natural. It is what you DO with those feelings that matters. Many people begin to believe that they are somehow to blame and then feel guilty. This often leads to depression (I once saw depression defined as 'anger turned inwards'). Others 'lash out' either at the abuser or just at the world in general. This often results in the person becoming an abuser themselves. Some (and you may fall into this category) repress that anger so they don't feel it at all. Eventuall, this results in angry explosions over seemingly minor incidents because the anger simply builds up. 'Revenge' is never a good excuse for behavior and is generally unproductive. When I spoke of 'confronting' your abuser I meant taking the power out of his hands and putting it back in yours. Often, exposing the abuser for what he is helps in this regard. But it is not necessary. If it feels like revenge, it probably is.
The high school function sounds like a great way to take back at least part of what you've lost. Go, enjoy it, see your friends, have fun. Don't allow him (or the mere thought of him) to ruin it for you. Don't give him that power.
From your posts it sounds as though you are well along the road to recovery. It doesn't sound like it has been (or will be) easy. But it does sound as though you are making progress.
Think good thoughts,
e
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Thanks, everyone, for replies in this thread, and past threads which I've read (and - always - special thanks to timmy for the chats). It's been really useful in helping me over a very rocky hump in the path.
I saw my therapist today, and told him that I now feel that my experiences with W. were abuse, pure and simple, with many of the classic signs (groooming, transfer of guilt, that kind of stuff). And that I could no longer make any excuses for W's behaviour.
His reply was pretty much "thank god you've realised that at last - it's about time!"
After we'd chatted this through for a bit he asked me how I now felt about W. I really wish I'd had the nerve to use the classic lines from Alice's Restuarant by Arlo Guthrie:
"so I walked up to him and said
'Shrink,
I wanna kill. I mean ... kill. ... Kill! KILL!!
I wanna see blood, and gore, and guts
and veins in m' teeth ...'"
I didn't, of course, but I came as close to saying it as any well-brought-up
englishman is ever likely to!
It felt really good to let off 35 years of pain and anger - I'm sure there's more to follow, but I think that got the worst of it out of my system.
Still a lot of stuff to work through, especially about whether I should fret about W possibly / probably still abusing other boys, and whether I should do anything about that. Not as revenge (my revenge impulses seem to be distressingly physical - and therefore, of course, I won't act on them!), but as a duty I may owe myself and other boys at risk.
However, I DO feel positively liberated - almost lightheaded - and while I'm
probably not quite ready to start dating again yet, at least the time when I will be no longer seems terribly distant.
Thanks again: the various perspectives from other gay guys has been invaluable.
(BTW, this doesn't mean I'm going to stop hanging round the forum - just means I appreciated the support at a time of acute need!)
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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the thing to be careful of now is the natural reaction of allowing yourself to feel guilty for your current joy.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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