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since i'm logged in. i almost thought i wasn't, i couldn't remember my original user ID.
here is what's been happening in my world, over the past few months.
i got a job at a hospital, i might've updated when that occured, in october. after full-time training i was only relief -- one, maybe 2 days a week and if i was lucky, sometimes more. as of last week i finally got a full time slot. this means a dollar raise, benefits to be set up soon, a retirement fund, and three days a week of 12 hour shifts -- it happens that they will always be back to back. in may, i will be three days on, one off, three on. that's six 12 hour shifts all but back to back. on the flipside, i'll get a week off in between. can't ask for much more. i should be living on my own again (my own being me and bugg of course) by summertime, once some debts are paid.
got a little deeper into playing the role of a boy. or, moreather, being myself. regularly i had been aggressive skating at a park that is about a mile and a half from my house. i introduced myself as "leander;" i bound my chest, wore a beanie, wore too-big clothes, and no one said much about it one way or another. for one thing, they wouldn't take a female skater in her mid 20's seriously there if i went as nature built me. for another, i wanted to see if it would work. but to do so i was essentially lying so i got what was coming to me.
at the beginning of january, just past the new year, i was skating and pulled a backside 540 off a decline of seven steps. landed, but 2-footed the landing, and in the process of trying to keep from falling, my hat fell off. out comes the hair that is very obviously a girl style, and suddenly the group of three who i'd been "pal'ing" around completely flipped out. i mean who wouldn't, they'd been lied to for several months. i'm sure i'd have done the same. by 'doing the same' i mean that i got the shit kicked out of me, hardcore. i was smacked across the head with one guy's skateboard, while i was going down the second guy punched me in the face, and when i was down the third and first guy proceeded to stomp me. i suffered a concussion and two cracked ribs.
but hey. on the plus side (the very plus side), during the interim of feeling sorry for myself and being laid up because any sort of physical activity that would cause lots of breathing would hurt my chest/ribs a lot, i am no longer underweight. in fact, i'm well overweight. i'm truly a fat cow, and i have pictures from going to skate-aid (a benefit opened by US ice dancing champions tanith belbin and ben agosto) to prove it. any sort of exercising, even STRETCHING made my lung/ribs burn like hell, and i hate being laid up and inactive and so i decided to see how much ice cream and other shit i could eat. turns out it was a lot. at one point it was funny, i rebelled and decided to try to skate some laps in my garage and by turn number four the pain was burning so bad i had to go back in... and get yelled at and put on a steroid so the inflammation would go down. steroids, of course, tend to make appetites rage and skin get bloaty.
i have 2 more series of x-rays to go to make sure the healing went down. i went off the steroid treatment last week. before skate-aid i managed to starve off 10 pounds but it wasn't enough to have me not look like a bloated cow-elephant among beautiful, rose-stem limbed figure skaters. my most favorite of all i got three pictures with and i look awful in all of them. i am able to at least do pilates, albeit carefully (i cannot do the stretches in full yet, at least not until the x-ray verdict is complete), and despite doctor warnings i've been skating laps. i don't know if i'll ever go back to the park. all those who witnessed this go down were like, completely floored -- but more by the fact that three ADULTS would act that way, and less by the fact i was a girl. so i might still be welcome, i don't know.
those three were arraigned and sentenced, by the way. they were found guilty of aggrevated assault and battery (1 count for each of them) and then a group charge of hazing. hazing! how strange. they were given three years, however, they will be eligible for parole in 13 months. being that this was a first offense for all of them, i am sure they'll be out by then, if not sooner. they fully admitted to what they did, not that they could deny it. it took two officers and one EMT to pull them off me. how TV movie.
my mother gets married in june and by then i should be living on my own, free again, like i was before i got sick and moved back here. i cannot wait for that. it's the light at the end of an endless tunnel that might not be so endless after all. i'm still single, i think i always will be. i am tired of genders and the fact that no matter what we wish and think and speculate about, will always matter. there is no such thing as a lovely, kind, versatile gay male who would be my live-in significant other, who'd curl up with me to sleep every night, who i'd let have boyfriend(s) if he needed to, you know, satiate himself, in return for just keeping me safe. i think i might train myself to just be an asexual creature. it'd be so much easier and hurt so much less.
i hope everyone here is well. if anyone still speaks with kevin please tell him hello, and that i miss him, and that i hope he's well. please tell lenny that i miss him and am sorry i'm never online. i was never avoiding it's just things got busy, and i hardly have any sort of messenger programs up anymore. tell smith hi, and to shem and andy, much love.
gone as the day is fading,
heathyr / leander.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I have no words. Andy said you had been set upon. But........ That is incredible.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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*hugs you* I miss you so much... I Hope you get better real fast, and that you continue to skate. I know how much fun it is to do 
Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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Like Timmy I'm not entirely sure what to say. There's so much there to respond to and I think I'd do a better job of it if it was via MSN or another chat thingie of some sort. Congratulations on being moved to full-time, though. Even though the lack of time sucks, financially it's what you need.
As for you passing as a guy until those fuckers assaulted you, well... I've got a lot of jumbled thoughts regarding it. It's a pity it ended up the way it did, though.
But I loves ya and I hope we can talk some more in detail later! *hugs*
-Shem
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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there's really not a whole lot to say. i lied to people. i paid for that lie. now i don't really have a place to skate when i was just getting back into it again. this is my fault, not theirs. it doesn't condone what they did but people see red when they've been had.
thanks. i'll be around. my MSN hasn't been working well again, so i'll find you somewhere.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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I'm really glad to see you, but horrified at what happened.
Not at you, just trying to find your place in the world, but at the cretins who hurt you like that. I'm so sorry. I hope you know, in your heart, that there is never justification for hurting another person like that. I was thinking about what my reaction would have been and all I could come up with would be a rather loud, "Huh?" and wonder how I missed it.
It sounds like you're getting things back together, what with the job and the 'happy' weight. I hope you get back to skating soon. Maybe, one day, the park will just be too great to avoid. You could prolly skate with wings and a flower pot on your head and people would just carry on.
{{{{hugs}}}}
smith
ps.....still jonesin' for Gale ???
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thanks, smith.
not everyone there is like these three, i'm sure.. but they were like, what. ringleaders? everyone looked up to them. or, maybe they were scared not to. i'm pretty sure that if i think about it logically i would know that they aren't all like these three were. but it'll be awhile before i go back, i think.
technically, i have to wait 2 more weeks anyway. 
there is no happy weight, is there? this is actually an awful weight, it's too high. self pity-parties where you drown in ice cream will do that though. it'll go away again.
and oh! i AM in fact still jonsing for gale, but there is a certain 2-time US champion figure skater who i also jones for, and who i got to meet and hang out with last weekend (along with other skaters as well; i'm such a genre crosser, haha. aggressive and ice. who'd have thought?) he rivals gale for that top spot. i have yet to see ANY of season 4 QAF, but i've preordered the set. maybe watching him again will help him edge out over my lovely ice-gazelle of a boy.
here, let me give you (and others!) a taste of this fine creature. i really want to post my pictures from skate-aid but i came out so terrible in them. instead i'll just add one of he and another skater i took. enjoy! and, for the record, he's gay. at least, he's VERY, very secretive about who it is he's seeing, and most figure skaters, if they are dating someone, will say so. i know there's a percentage of skaters who are married just to have a "career cover" because one skater came out in the mid 90's and then suddenly his career never recovered. johnny's very young and has a bright future, so i'm only assuming he's keeping it quiet for that sake. one of his 4 necklaces is from the 'someone special,' as is a ring he wears. not that any of this is important, but! ok so NOW enjoy:
he has absolutely perfect posture. i thought this was just a podium thing but after meeting him, he really DOES have constant perfect posture.
yum. 's all i can say.
this is from world's last year. i just like this sassy 'whatever' expression is all, haha.
lastly, this is a picture i took of him and katie orscher (US pair skater champion). we'd asked them to do something silly and so this was what they did when i asked them to turn it 'this way.' he's holding my flowers, hee hee.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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