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well, lets just get this over, i havent posted in months. Ive been declared missing and found and hoped for and loved.
Guys, me and my father are having trouble, and frankly, i can only build a wall. I DONT KNOW HOW TO SAY SOMETHING. He is really pissed about my smoking, but i dont care. what i hate is that he asks me why i am such a bad son, and what he did wrong. Now, he wants me to write a letter with everything i have and need. he thinks that for the food and house i get to live in i need to pay something in return. hes getting worse and he critisizes anyone he doesnt even know, im going slightly depressed. I dont get angry and just stay quite and that upsets him. Maybe someone could give advice. its hard to broach the subject with anyone here at home. I think his problem with anyone from black people to gay people comes from his house, but hes silent about that too. Hes really old fashioned and advizes me to use violence with any problem i have, and i wont, and he gets mad cos i dont follow his "example"
please help. say anything someone.
catch me cos im falling
A truth told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent
-William Blake
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don't fall into the same cycle... don't ever use violence. which i'm sure you know, but i had to say.
this letter.. i don't know. i really don't. on one hand he had to know what he might possibly be in for, in asking you to do this. perhaps it's the window that you need, to say what you want to say? cycles don't break themselves, they have to be broken. silent homes like this are not healthy ones, and you're finding out why, first hand.
i'm not sure what else to say... he might get mad that you don't follow your example but see, he followed his father's, and it realy hasn't gotten him anywhere, has it? and he might possibly be losing a wonderful son, because when you're able to be out of there, i'd imagine you'd run and never look back. and then he has lost out and you have won.
stay strong.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Where does your mother come into this mess?
Kids owe their parents nothing. The parent chose to have kids. being paid for having you is a very strange thing. When you are earning money, sure a contirbution to board and lodging, but you are a schoolboy. SAchoolboys have the right to be schoolboys and not pay their way.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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"what i hate is that he asks me why i am such a bad son, and what he did wrong. "
Doen't sound to me as though you're a bad son. Sounds like your father can't really accept that you're growing up into an independent person - why should what YOU are be down to what HE did? You're making your own decisions (about smoking, and everything else, and anything he may or may not do or have done will be a fairly minor input, I expect).
The list or letter idea is interesting. It's a pretty common technique used by lots of counsellors etc - is there any chance that your father has recognised there's enough of a problem for *him* to have asked someone for help in dealing with it? It would be encouraging if that were the case.
Not knowing your circumstances (although I've looked back and read your previous posts), I don't have any feeling on whether the letter / list is something you'd want to do. If you want to do it, you could always ask you father to do likewise, and compare.
Also, if you do *do* it (it's your call, one way or the other), don't get too hung on small details - try to look for general principles. So, under things you need (but don't seem to have), you might think about putting "freedom to make your own mistakes and learn from them", "feeling your parents on-the-whole trust your judgement" and that kind of stuff (those examples taken from what I needed at fifteen - your needs may be different). Probably wise to put something good under 'have', as well (emotional thing as well as material thing) - even if at the moment it sounds you'd have to think quite hard to come up with something! If you wanna run through a draft list here on the forum, or by e-mail, or in real-life with someone you trust, it might be helpful. Again, your call, one way or the other.
Finally - others have mentioned in previous posts - have a "plan B" at the back of your mind, in case things at home go further downhilll and you feel you can't stay. Your older friend, a local refuge, ... whatever. But it would be good for you to have a safety-net in place.
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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I have to agree with what everyone has said....
But!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Smoking is a bad habit that will in time distroy your health.
It is an imposition on those around you that choose not to partake.
And on a more practicle note, No guy likes the taste of nicotene (especially when it is accomopanied with a romantic explosion).... YUKKO
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Interesting point and well made.
Dewald, why do you smoke? If it's to rebel against a rather odd father it would be worth reconsidering. It's a case of your deciding, not his winning
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Dewald, take comfort in the fact that you're a normal teenager. I still have similar trouble with my father and he's 83!
However, I must support Marc on the smoking thing.
Hug
N
I dream of boys with big bulges in their trousers,
Never of girls with big bulges in their blouses.
…and look forward to meeting you in Cóito.
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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It's hard, isn't it....trying to be the boy he wants and yet, wanting to be the man that's growing in your heart.
You know you don't have to smoke; that's just a way of saying 'sod off". That's not even the issue. You were his little boy, doing just what he wanted, dancing to his rhythm. It's all changing and he doesn't now how to control you anymore.
I know what you mean about the more he asks, the quieter you get. You know it drives him crazy, but there are no answers to his questions. It's his house and you're playing by his rules.
He wants you to write down what you have and what you need? Maybe you could....maybe you could just say "I have a warm house, good food and parents who care about me. I need you to see me as a boy who is changing. I won't be like you or mom. I won't be like anyone else. I'll be me. I settle differences by using my mind, not my fists. That's me. You laid out a path for me and I'm standing at a crossroad now. I'm working it out. I could use your help, but I can do it on my own." If you love him, it would be a good thing to say, but he's making that part difficult.
As for the bigotry, that does come from how he was raised, believe me, I know. It's so hard to listen to your family say things you don't believe, but you can't change people. It only breaks your heart to try. You can't follow his example, no matter how hard you might try, so you think of the day when you will set examples of your own and promise yourself that those examples will be loving and kind.
Hugs, Dewald ~ Just smile and be yourself ~ He just sees you growing up and it frightens him because he doesn't see himself in you.
smith
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i know i get more money than he makes, but its my inheritence money, and i have to pay them. I have a place to go if necesary. But well c, right now we arent speaking at all
A truth told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent
-William Blake
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The only point i want to disagree on is smoking, and only on a minor point at that: even when i was a nonsmoker, i found the taste of cigarettes in a guy's mouth dead sexy. I understand the allure of smoking, being a smoker. It gives you a feeling of increased concentration, and there's nothing better than a cig after a great meal or some great sex.
having said that, i also have to say that it is a horrible habit that will inevitably lead to heartattack, stroke and lung disease, and will shorten your life significantly in the long run. It makes your clothes reek and your fingers and teeth yellow.
As to your father, i am astonished by how much like my own father he sounds. My father, too, believed that i 'owed' him for being his child and for his having fulfilled his obligations to me as such. He too was bigoted, and believed that violence was a perfectly acceptable solution to many problems--like sons who didn't toe the line. So, when i turned 18, i rabbited out of there as fast as i could, and except for a few VERY short visits, never set foot in his house again. at this point, i never speak to him at all, and don't expect that i shall ever have any desire to as long as i live. If your father doesn't care about that, then fine. Mine has come to regret what he tried to do with me over the years, and still sends birthday cards and calls on the holidays, and i very roundly ignore all his overtures and move on with my life. Family, i have found, is like a hand of poker: just because you're dealt those cards doesn't mean you have to keep 'em. if a family member is sufficently toxic, it is your prerogative to shuffle them off, and create your own family with the people that you want to have around you.
in the meantime, by all means have a 'plan b', just in case. keep your head down, be inconspicuous, and if he gets physically abusive, don't hesitate to talk to someone who can help.
cheers!
aj
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Is this your birth father or a step father?
Not that it makes any difference to an inheritance. Frankly an inheritance shoudl be used by you for your own good. But if this means improvimg the family finances it also appears to me to mean that you gain an interest, a legal interest, in the property where you live. This means that, like any perosn living in a home contributing to the home you become a part owner.
In addition your inheritance may be ring fenced to prevent abuse by yout parents. If it is in a trust then the trustees are legally responsible to prevent the wasting of the resoources on what should normally be provided by parents.
Only you can judge if what is being asked of you is reasonable. It may be a great idea that you chip in to help the entire family live easily. But we do not have children to insist that they pay for our lifestyle.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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the only time you should have your head down is if you're either reading, or praying.
i'll let you guys take that how you'd like.
rodney
"more tongue and groove than a hardwood floor"
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TygerBoiSammy
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 57
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Dewald,
I use your proper name here because so few know you as I do, or by the name I gave you, water-brother. We've talked about your problem many times, and both of us are just too lost in the adult worlds to understand how people like your father think. Every piece of advice I've seen here has the sound of both honesty and concern to it. Something that they say has got to impact your situation in some way. Perhaps in taking the steps that they show your father taking you might see things a little closer to his side. Not sayin it'll be a bolt from the Blu that suddenly makes it all make sense, but it might just let you see what his eyes are missing by looking thru his eyes once or twice.
Then again, it might just sadden you beyond belief as well. Despite his old school ways, or mayb bcause of them he tries to keep that Prussian distance between you and himself. Like, he expects you to pattern yourself on his image. Like.... mayb he feels that he's let you down because u arn't more like him.
Just a thought. HUGS
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Well..I did a lot of reading and a lot of praying. LOL
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
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