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... that i could find kevin. i remember this time last year (actually it was more like last december; not this past but the one before) we talked a lot and we talked about writing together and we talked about becoming roommates and i'd secretly think about it and know that shi'd adore him. and i remember when it was a horrid winter night and it was the day i'd quit smoking; it was the third day of finals before break and i'd been three days without sleep, and he called just before the exam was going to start. i took the phone in the back room and was happy to hear him even if for a moment.
i remember panicking about something; externship or something and called him in tears from my car in the school parking lot and he put me straight. i remember thinking he might've been mean but looking back he was saying what needed to be said.
i hate that i was put on thorazine, and put on it for so long. i hate what it turnt me into and how horrible i was, to him and others. i don't know what happened, i don't remember what happened i just know i lost him somehow, and i regret it because even though i know i sometimes cling too hard to things and people when they are found and are actually kind hearted and not out to Get Me... i really do think that he could've become a best friend. well on his way, and then i had to ruin it. i don't even know if he thought of me as much as i did him, or if i was just a semi-neat internet person to talk to... i know that i regret everything i said or did; the things i remember and even the things that i don't. i wish i could go back and fix things.
i wish i didn't have this fixation of mine, either. becuase i know what it looks like, given my track record. over half the people i've fallen in love with or have just become very, very good friends with, they have all been gay. it's not like i "target" that, it just happens, it's what i relate to, and is all i feel safe around. i knew that if one day we decided to become roomies so we could've gotten out of our respective financial holes, i'd be safe. i wouldn't have to worry about someone sneaking in my room to do this or getting drunk and deciding to try and do that; i wouldn't have to worry about these things concerning me or shiloh. i thought maybe i could even sometimes have the occasional luxury of curling up and falling asleep, maybe his arm as a pillow.. and know that there'd be no strings attached. i know that in answer to that friendship and safety, i'd have done anything i could to help him, with whatever he needed.
but i'm unstable and i don't mean to be. i think i've come far since then, but i'm sad because i think it's too late. of course it is, i've tried several times to reach out and look for him but i think i'm barely a memory now. when i'm supposed to take things and people seriously and to heart and commit them to soul and memory, i don't do it good enough and i hurt them. when it's a situation that probably isn't serious or isn't what i think it is... i take it too seriously. maybe i thought too much of all this or was too intense or came off the wrong way and seemed psycho-stalker and scared him away?
kevin. if you're out there and .. i don't know. if you're out there will you please find me? even if it's to tell me to go away or to just forget that winter and those phone talks ever happened, that it's old news and even if we're 'faint accquaintances' we'll never be friends liek that again... still contact me? i'd rather know bad things or confirm worries than not know. truth, even if painful, is better than silence. please? i'm sorry, for all of it i'm sorry. i'd give so many things to erase my immaturity and mentality of then, if it meant ru49r
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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people tend to come and go. Interests change, direction, objectives and goals flow back and forth like the tides.
The gay community tends to be a bit more cavilier about drifting away.
I guess thats why most gay relationships tend to run about as deep as spilled beer on a bar top, and last about as long as it takes to wipe it up. Most friendships tend not to last long enough for the beer to hit the bar.
I'm sorry you drifted apart. Perhaps it's for the best.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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this is true, but... i still wish i could know, one way or another. being left in the dark to wonder and speculate is the worst feeling in the world. i'm the sort of person who'd rather know than not know, even if knowing isn't going to result in feeling good. bad news is better than none. better than silence.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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I understand your point here.
Maybe Kevin will see this thread and answer.... I don't know.
He buzzed in about september and when none but the obvious respondants replied he vanished.
Perhaps he was upset that not more people posted.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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... K. C. is in a really "strange" place right now ... still struggling; but, altogether managing to get his feet firmly replanted back on the ground.
Although I've not physically spoken with him in some time, I do know, from recent contact he's had with Brian, that he is well, although continuing to live in uncertain circumstances and doing his very best to overcome various burdens he's been saddled with.
I know for a cert that you, at one time, would have had his e-Mail address; but, should you have misplaced it, or otherwise, feel free to contact either Brian or myself and we'll again provide it for you.
In the mean time, it's so good to see you here once more, and I sincerely hope all is well with you and your daughter.
Warren C. E. Austin
The Gay Deceiver
Toronto, Canada
"... comme recherché qu'un délice callipygian"
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i think therein lies the answer i'm looking for.
i did email him not too long ago, if the email is the same one i had before.
i got nothing back.
so i guess that silence speaks more than any words could, and i should probably just leave him alone.
thanks for giving me an answer. i am going to email you something in a second.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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... I simply adore your "Avatar". Does it represent a portion of a larger set-piece, or is that all there is? Kindly share with us some of its' background please.
Only one other has equalled it, and he who has employed it knows who he is, and the significance of the image, as I especially had asked him about it's origin, requesting of him his permission to reprint it for use as a "background" to one of several web-pages I was authoring early last year.
Warren C. Austin
"... comme recherché qu'un délice callipygian"
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... I would draw no concusions from that ... in any way , shape or form.
He is having difficulties, and is often without connectivity ... with both Brain and I having to survive, like you, longe periods of apparent silence.
Keep the faith Girl, you will hear from him. Trust me on that, please.
Warren C. E. Austin
"... comme recherché qu'un délice callipygian"
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You would think by now that I would have learned to either proof-read my *posts* or use the built-in spell-checker which comes with the web-browser I've used to author these messages.
These should have read:
... I would draw no conclusions from that ...
with both Brian and I having to
Warren C. E. Austin
"... comme recherché qu'un délice callipygian"
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thanks.. it's from halloween. i dressed as a "hogwarts" student, from harry potter. ravenclaw house, specifically. i actually hadn't planned on taking pictures, but my brother loaned me his cateract contact lenses. over light color eyes they look lame, but over darker eyes (mine are hazel) they came out looking wolfy-gray. i got excited about having neat eyes and took pictures.
i have this picture in normal size, and the same shot in black and white, and then another pose. if you want, i'll mail them. i'd post them here but since then i've come to re-hate myself and so i want no public pictures of me until i'm, like, breakably and boyishly small again. shouldn't be long. lent is always a good reason to starve. ::-)
as for the rest, well.. my abscense of hearing from kevin has been since i was on thorazine and whatnot.. so, far longer than you and especially brian. so i'm not trying to draw conclusions, but it just appears logical. i said awful things, i wouldn't talk to me either, but.. i don't know. i really didn't mean what i said and i don't remember fully what it was, just that it was so awful that our friendship totally disappeared. so i mean, you know. it makes sense.
i don't know, i emailed you. because there's more of it that doesn't quite belong here.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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