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AdamAnt
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 74
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My parents have been divorced sicne I was 3 years old, but my dad always comes over too visit, nearly everyday. When he is at my house, he is always using the computer, checking his email, and lots of other stuff online.
It gets me worried, that he may stumble across some of my personal stuff.
Anyway, I got home from school this afternoon and went online to check my email. He comes in my room, and tells me to get off the computer so he can check his email.
I told him to wait 5 minutes until i finish. and then he turns around and asks me to show him the sites I have minimised. I was packing shit, I had Ghouldrool and IOMFATS minimised...so i just flashed them at him, and told him they were chat rooms and forums...he gave me a weird look and just blunty said
"hurry up and finish downloading your 12 year old porno, i am in a hurry" and walked out.
I WAS SHITTING BRICKS when he said this....I freaked out.
I have clothed boy pics tucked away deep in the computer, and i am thinking he may have found them....SHIT.
HELP!!
AdamAnt
adam_ant_85@hotmail.com
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...But there's no easy solutions here I think. Either you are overreacting, or you're not. You can confront the issue, or try to dodge.
After you've cooled down a bit, remember that wonderful yellow note you got a while back. I find it very hard to believe those feelings described in there would change just overnight, clothed boy pictures or not.
Not sure which is the best way to tackle the issue, after all, I'm not you. I'd personally probably try to avoid dodging however, things tend to fester if left unchecked.
Maybe you should ask your dad what he meant, and talk about it in a reasoned manner. You two seem to have a good relationship. Maybe he haven't busted you at all, and was just making a bad joke. Probing gently for how much he really knows is probably your safest bet.
I and all the others are always here for you however should you need it, on the board and via email. And I'm sure someone else can offer better advice than me, so just wait around a bit before doing anything and pool different opinions.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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I'm really sorry that there haven't been more helpful responses to yout post about this, Adam! We should be paying more attention when one of our younger members of the community needs advice and help.
I like Lenny's advice about trying to find a way to gently find out what he's thinking and what he saw. I agree that you can probably use your good relationship with him to do that.
The other big issue I can see for a guy your age is PRIVACY. What's your dad using your pc like that for, anyhow? At your age, don't you have the right to put password protections onto your computer and simply tell him that you'd rather he made other arangements to meet his computung needs?
It's a lot like barging into your room without asking and maybe you're changing your clothes...or entering the bathroom when you're using it, without knocking.
It's YOUR private property dude, even if he bought it for you. You should have the right to say who and when somebody else can use it. A computer is a very private thing. You don't go sniffing around on his hard drive when you visit him, I bet. IT should be the same thing with yours!
Quite rightly so, in my opinion.
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Good advice from Lenny and David. In the end, you'll have to decide what you want to share with your dad and what his reaction might be. Here's some random thoughts, to use or discard as you see fit:
- I was pretty much "busted" by my wife in the same way last July, but I think I sortof WANTED to be "caught" - I wasn't being careful and our relationship was pretty distant. I'd never really considered myself gay until I had to admit it to her. After some very tough conversations, it' really brought us together and explained some issues in our relationship. Not that she entirely understands or trusts me - she's still a bit in denial and she freaks a little once in awhile. But, the total honesty has really helped. I HOPE that is relevant for your situation.
- I've said it before in various places, but as a parent I love my kids unconditionally. If they were axe murderers I'd still love them. Of course I'd try to "fix it" since that is wrong, so your dad may also try to "fix" you if he can't accept your feelings. Worst case, you may have to "put up with" him trying to "fix it" until you can move out or until he comes to fully accept all aspects of your you.
- It might be worth talking about sharing the computer and a need for privacy in general terms. Everyone has some private e-mails and most people visit some controversial web site at one time or another and would like to keep that private.
- You should figure out how to clear out your history, cache, cookies, and Recent Files if you don't already know. Even though I'm out to my wife and mostly have my own PC, I do most of this so I can share my PC without worrying someone may stumble across something. Use Windows Explorer to search for file names of sites, like "IOMFATS" etc to see the obvious directories to clear (of cookies, mostly) in addition to Tools - Internet Options - (etc) to delete history from IE. Superdrewby's site has some tips on PC privacy as well. Also, search for .JPG and .GIF on the entire hard drive and sort that by size to see what cached or hidden pictures are still around.
If you have a "library", you could rename the files to something like .DLL as long as you don't forget or get them mixed in the wrong directory. Avoid conspicuous file names like "Cute nude 12 yo" - well duh!
- You may want to reconsider your website, although if Dad has found it, it might be too late. Make sure you don't have links to it anywhere. It pretty much spells out the intimate details of your heart. You do keep your own pic and any personal info other than your e-mail addy off of it, which is a good thing from a personal protection aspect, but you knew that.
- Your life and your privacy is your own, accountable only to God and your own conscience, but of course your Dad's job is to keep you safe and healthy. Only if he's really worried about a "worst case scenario" where you might get arrested or get AIDS or somesuch, you might consider enough truthful detail to keep him from worrying: You aren't promiscuous, you don't seduce underage boys, you aren't having intercourse, you know what I mean. I think, though, if he were really worried about more than surfing, he would've reacted more strongly. He may just be jerking your chain a little while letting you know he doesn't really approve.
- Remember that sexual orientation/fantasies/lust/whatever can change over time, so don't be too quick to label yourself or accept labels from others. Of course you can't deny yourself what you feel right now, but I think you already accept yourself pretty well, which is good.
Of course we're all here to do what we can - my time zone is way off, unfortunately, but many of the others here aren't. Also, Ashley in Oz is probably a good "peer" to talk if you can't find help from us here, and it sounds like his dad is someone special also. I don't know them well, but his pop MAY be someone for your pop to talk to - just a thought.
Hugs and prayers to you, Adam. You'll survive and become a better person afterward!
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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Adam, I have been thinking hard. I didn't want to give you bad advice.
I think this is the opportunity you need now. You need to talk to oyur father and tel him ho wmuch his note meant. And consider telling hm you are worried about yourself. And ask him for his love and support in helping you to learn how to overcome the desires you have said to me that you do not want.
We spoke of counselling to talk through the issues you face. You have the chance for this now, if you are brave enough to talk it through.
Yes, there are privacy issues. But your father also loves you.
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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Hi Adam, I am new and you don't really know me. I only know you from your web site and what you have written in the last week or so. Thus, you can take my advice with a grain of salt.
Given you Dad's recent letter and his comment, this may be an attempt for him to reach out. If Australians are anything like Canadians, we really like to beat around the bush when talking about anything personal. Everything is between the lines. What I am trying to say is maybe your dad is trying to tell you that you can always talk to him, but he is having trouble saying those words. Only you can be the best judge of that as we have never met him.
Sometimes we need a kick in the butt to move our lives forward. I know that I need that myself to do anything. I also know that I told my wife 9 days ago that I was gay. It was not easy, and it was the shock of her life, but now I can say it was the best thing I ever did. Even better, she understands!
If you do take this opportunity to tell your father, and only you can know when you are ready, I would only tell him that you are "have feelings for other guys", and leave "what types of guys you like" for another time. Maybe you may never be ready to tell your dad, and as Tim suggested, you may wish to talk to someone in a more therapeutic roll. A parent is not always the best for this.
Regardless, I admire you for your openess to yourself and others regarding your sexuality and who you are attracted to--especially at your age. I was a very confused teenager that was not even 1% as far as you. You are doing well.
My take on privacy, is your parents have a right to look on your computer (as they maybe worried about you) and you have a right to hide what you are doing. Hence, take Trevors advice about deleting your history, etc...
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AdamAnt
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 74
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well, It is nice to know that you all care enough to reply =), it means a lot.
Regarding the privacy issue, every time I finish on the computer I delete the history, Cookies and the temporary internet files. Is there anything i am forgetting to do ?
Me and my dad are close, but not as close as me and my mum. He is an islamic, so that makes it harder =(. he is not a crazy one, just moderate.
I dont consider myself to be Gay, I am still attracted to girls my own age, but most of my attraction goes to boys =/.
SHIT....my dad is here, i will finish this later..ok
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AdamAnt
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 74
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Ok ,I am back...after last time, i couldnt risk staying on the computer.
anyway.....
well, my sexuality....i would describe it as
Straight Boy Lover...a bit of a contradiction i know.
I could put a password on the computer, but my sister would complain. The computer is used by the whole family, but it is in my room, because I use it the most.
so obviously it will be hard for me to tell my dad to stop using it.
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...and set up different accounts for each family member.
No privacy problems for you then, you can keep your stuff passworded. If you format the harddrive to NTFS, nobody can snoop at your files by popping a DOS boot disk in the floppy drive either.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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brian
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 60
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straight Boylover, I mean. there are enough of those in the Drool. Peopel who like boys and women. But don't like men or girls. There are also BLs who like all males. and then there are soem who only like boys til the age of 15 or so. and there are some who find all kinds of people attractive....dunno..sorta complicated maybe. But there lots of BLs who are married and have a YF. Like Jim/Sean from the Drool, y'know 
love
brian
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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...at this point.
I don't think your Dad would make a joke that would hit so close to home. Gage his general reaction. Look at his body language. You know him and you will soon be able to tell if something is truely amiss.
He wouldn't have had to go too far to see everything you have been looking at if he knows how to read your browsers "history" file.
If you indeed think he has stumbled on to something then talk to him, and the sooner the better.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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AdamAnt
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 74
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ok, well I do have Windows XP...thats what I got.
but, on my last computer, i set up 2 accounts on it. One for me and one for the family. but the family could still access the same files as me ? WTF ?
anyway, i went to a party tonight ? and i was there for an hour, and then got my dad to pick me up. When i got in the car, he asked me why i wanted to leave. I just said without thinking.
"It is boring, and there are to many chicks"
I could have slapped myself in the head....
he turns to me and sais
"Why don;t you like the chicks ?...you should go back in there and socialise with them"
OMG, is this an indication that he thinks i am gay or something...FUCK
i dunno...bloody hell
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You may have to fiddle with the rights management system to block your stuff from other users. I don't have XP myself unfortunately so I can't guide you through the process, but it shouldn't be impossible to do I would think.
As for what you said in the car, and he said to you...
Can you really be that certain what he thinks of your sexual orientation? It was just a spurious comment from you, hardly much to base any major conclusions on.
Anyway, beating around the bush probably isn't going to help you in the long run, you'll have to deal with this somehow since you keep worrying about it. And I still think you should find support in your father's declaration of his love to you.
Dealing with it will most likely involve talking to him about it in one way or another.
Would you prefer to stay "closeted" to your mother if you could decide yourself?
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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Nobody (not even your dad) can't change who you are or what sex/age you are attracted to. If you look at it from that point of view, there is nothing wrong with what you said. Maybe it was even for the better--I don't know.
I, personally, wished I was more open about my sexuality when I was your age. Although, the times were different in the mid-80's.
Regarding your father's religion, this really depends on two things:
a) How devout is he? (I have known some muslims to even drink)
b) What does the Islamic faith think about homosexuality
I am sure that someone in the message board can comment on b. For me to do so without knowing would only be predjudice.
Unfortunately, your father's statement "why don't you go back and solialise with them" indicates to me that your sexual orientation can be "changed" by chasing chicks. Maybe he is not the best person to talk to about it. However, that does not mean he may not approach you on the subject in the next few days. Thus, YOU NEED TO BE PREPARED ON HOW TO RESPOND. Do you lie? Do you open up? I am not sure what is best for you, but I know for me that telling my wife lifted a 10 tonne weight off my shoulders.
Regarding security, privacy on home systems works only if you are using a file system that also prevents other users from accessing your files. In addition, you must be the only holder of the administrator privileges AND you must never let anybody use your user. Sooner or later things will get screwed up and your parents will be very suspicious of what you are doing--trying to hide behind another user and all. I suggest rather to just delete your internet files, history, cockies, etc.. You should also WinZip any private files on your harddisk using a password. A nice long one with letters and numbers. I used to do this myself before I told my wife.
You are doing well though, and remember that anything that does happen was probably meant to!
Cheers,
Darren
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AdamAnt
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 74
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My dad isnt a full on muslim. He drinks at bars a lot, and smokes casually...so that tells you a bit about him.
I don;t know the view of homosexuality by Islamics, but I dont think my dad thinks very highly of them. He is always saying stuff like "Look at those fudge packers" when he sees gay people.
I think i will zip all my files, so he can't read them.........
thanx guys....i will post again tommorow, i am too tired to type now...it is 1:30 am....YAWN
nite nite
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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This won't solve all your problems, but I really don't think others need to know all the details or specifics or read your e-mail, postings.
So, (not sure about XP, but this is what works on 95, anyway) try Start Button - Documents. Anything there? You clear that by right-clicking the taskbar, Properties, Start Menu Programs, Clear.
If you use web-based e-mail, the history/cookies/cache thing should be good. If you use real Outlook, you can password protect your .PST file. Not sure about Outlook Express.
Also, each peice of software remembers Most Recently Used files, so if you view graphics with something other than IE, such as MS Photo Editor, that software may have a list. It's probably stored in the registry and hard to delete, but let us know if you can't find a workaround for that, like opening enough innocent files to purge the yummy ones from the list.
But, like I said, try using Windows Explorer (or Start - Find - Files) and look for web site names. I've found a lot of cookies and temp files where I didn't expect them and where IE's clearing did not clear them.
From a purely practical perspective on your sexuality, which of course may change over time, it's probably a good thing that you like girls as well. Younger boys just aren't very practical, especially as you get older. I can't help fantasize myself, but that's all it can be.
If you need to, you can honestly explain your comment in the car with "They were giddy, gossipy girls" or somesuch (whatever it was that turned you off.)
Contrary to some others' advice, I guess I wouldn't rush into any discussions until you are ready. But, it will never be easy and may be easier sooner than later, especially if hints are being dropped and you have an especially receptive audience (e.g. yellow note.) Approach it with an attitude of humility and humbleness, not belligerance or rebellion (sorry, I just don't know your personality!)
If the BL part is just fantasy and you're sure you're never bringing a BF home to meet the folks, well, it may not be worth talking about. I had to talk to my wife about it since it was affecting our relationship and I wanted to be totally honest, but until there's some possibility I might DO something "gay", I can't see a reason to tell MY parents my fantasies, for example. But then if anything ever happened to my wife, God forbid, my next partner would probably be a guy because I am gay as well as the BL fantasy thing.
Anyway, take care - good to see you're getting advice from a lot of different perspectives!
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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You can hide your files, cover your tracks, install encryption, but you cannot remove what is in your heart.
You have said to me that counselling and a good face to face therapist to talk this through with would be your ideal solution. I know I am not there, per se, and cannto see the nuances of expression on your father's face. Even so I think it would be wise to consider a true man to man chat. With someone else that you trust if you need to.
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It's very difficult to determine what's possible for a teenager living dependently at home can do. All the posts about the good news about coming out have been encouraging, but most have been from adults who aren't dependent on their spouses financially or legally.
Even for Adam to ask his family to go to go to a good therapist that knows about sexuality and orientation issues will be a real challenge for Adam. Parents tend to want to know why their son wants to go talk about that! Plus, can they afford it? Practicalities always intrude!
Teens don't have the options and choices that adults do...nor the independence to walk away if things go pear-shaped. We Geezers have to remember that good advice to an adult isn't always wise for a teen.
I worked for a year in a social servuces organization in NYC that gave free counselling and other services to gay, bi, and lesbian youth. Is there one of those near you, Adam? I know you don't identify particularly as gay, but they might have good cheap or free shrinks there that you can start with without parental problems.
Adam, in the car with your Dad, you wouldn't have been lying to say that you're attracted to girls, but weren't in the mood, or that you're shy, or that these particular girls didn't do it for you. It might have been good to get his advice on how to get to know the girls you like. It's a part of you that you say you want to develop, so go for it with him. He may be able to help.
Yes, there are gay Muslim groups, and they have websites and information, altho they have a hard time, just as gay Christians and Jews have a hard time. Do you want me to find them for you and post them, or do you want to try Google search yourself for them?
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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AdamAnt
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 74
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Well,
Tim, I will probably go and see a shrink when I turn 18 which is just over 12 months.
David, You are right...as I was talking to tim before about this. If I were to go and see a Shrink that specialises in Sexuality, then my parents would get very suspicious.
This is why I am going to wait until I am 18 so I can do it myself without them knowing.
I am actually not Islamic myself. My dad is Muslim and My mum is christian...lol...good mix.......
I dont really have a religion, but I do believe in god, so I don;t know if the muslim gay groups would be useful ? what do you think ?
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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As you know, all I am doing is feeding back to you your own thoughts. And again it is up to you to decide what you do and how you do it. I know at first hand the difficulties you face with parents.
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I think I am busted 
Re: I think I am busted 
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Re: I think I am busted 
Thanx guys 
