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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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This is not a new feeling.... It has been going on for quite some time....
How does one deal with being meerly tollerated?
Is there a limit of saturation when a person has had enough?
I think there has to be..... I sure feel my limit at any rate.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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we can be merely tolerated together.
at any rate i don't know how to deal with it, or if one can really "deal" with it. i know it's an awful feeling. sometimes i think i'd rather be hated than just tolerated. other days i think i'm lucky to be tolerated instead of out and out hated. either way i'm usually mostly ignored, so. i can't give the advice you're looking for--i at least just wanted to show you're not alone.
(sidenote: i keep trying to change my avatar and it keeps staying the same.)
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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Hey Marc,
I have been involved with being merely tolerated. It was by some people who I found were only interested in certain parts of my personality. I have learned that they exist everywhere and there is little you can do about them. I just ignore them and eventually they go away. Maybe that sounds too easy a solution but I find it works for me mostly?
I am sorry for you that you are being marginalised Marc. 
People have a habit of changing your direction through life
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Other than two people, I can not remember a time when I had a relationship that I could truly call friendship. There have been people in my past that allowed a closeness of sorts but that was and continues to be a fleeting experience. I seem to be somewhat of a diversion until I become obsolete.
I find myself waiting for a crumb of acknowledgment in every facet of my life.
It seems the only time anyone comes directly to me is when they want something from me.
If I were to ignore what is happening I find myself totally alone.
This is not something that has revealed itself recently... I have been aware of it since I was young... I have tried to live with it and make the best of things but even that has worn thin. So thin it's about to break through.......
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Real friends are pretty much a rarity for most people, I think. Certainly, the kind of friends that one can trust completely, unhestitatingly, and without reservation. You said "other than a couple of people ..." - I currently have two such people in my life, plus my brother. The most I've ever had is five, but two of them emmigrated to the US a while ago, and one is now dead. I think most people would be really pressed to name half a dozen "real friends" - that's cetainly the impression I've got from talking about it to quite a number of men of all ages and sexualities over the years.
So then there are 'mates', or 'close aquaintances' or whatever one wants to call them. People to go out in a group with, people that you know as friends in a particular context (work, gymn, club, hobby ... ), but who only share part of your life, and who would be to a large extent replaced by others if you move 500 miles away. I'm guessing that this is the group you're missing.
I had a really interesting conversation about this with a guy I met recently. He said that he felt unwanted because none of his mates ever called him - it was always him taking the initiative and he sometimes wondered if they were just putting up with him, and it was really getting to him and lowering his self-esteem. I told him that he shouldn't feel like that - my own self-esteem is so poor that I pretty much can't bring myself to call anyone (unless there's a specifc reason)in case they're doing something more important that talking to me, or are in a bad mood or otherwise make me feel rejected in some way. I thought that it was really great that he kept things going with his mates, and that was was important was that one of the parties did so - not to worry if it was always the same party: what counted was the quality of the interaction when talking or going out. I certainly value the mates who keep things going by pretty much always being the ones to call me, and I really hope that I show my appreciation of that. And I'm trying hard to change, and occasionally be the one that makes the phone call or sends the e-mail.
You said "It seems the only time anyone comes directly to me is when they want something from me." Is it possible that they do really like you but are (probably baselessly) afraid of rejection? From your posts here you seem to come across like a pretty sorted guy in many ways (though obviously you feel differently inside) - potential guys to hang out with may also come across as sorted but have major self-esteem problems that they keep hidden. You may feel that you're just being tolerated, but I'd hazard a guess that actually there are a number of people that like you but find it difficult to show it.
hope this helps a little.
NW
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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Real friends are a rarity. I have three...four, if you count my oldest sister. I feel enormously blessed and privileged to have even one person in my life who actually cares whether i live or die, or why i'm suffering when i am. Having four is like an embarassment of riches.
I am 'merely tolerated' by a great many people...some of them family members, actually. For a long time, it hurt to know that i was viewed like that by so many people. I finally realized that it didn't matter...the people who actually took time to get to know me liked me, and more importantly, I like me. So for those out there who couldn't be bothered with more than surface appearances or shallow traits: screw 'em.
Kindred souls are hard to come by, Marc. You have one in Kevy, and that makes you incredibly lucky. And, though we don't talk a lot, you also should know that you have my ongoing admiration, as a writer and as a person.
cheers!
aj
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
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Marc, some very sound advice has been given here. FWIW, I would only emphasize that you must cherish what you do have - and let all the rest go hang! You do not need the appreciation of people who do not know how to appreciate you.
The paradox has often been noted that the United States, founded in secularism, is now the most religiose country in Christendom, while England, with an established church headed by its constitutional monarch, is among the least. (Richard Dawkins, 2006)
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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How often have I berated you over this? Precisley how often?
The feleing is internal unless you cause it to be external. You perceive that people tolerate you, and, you old curmudgeon, you then act to make sure at times that they cannto tolerate you at all.
So you create the environment in which you become a matter for tolerance, and are then able to say with accuracy "I am only tolerated by people."
Except, to those who know you, you are a decent, kind, sweet, normal person who is worth befriending and worth having as a friend.
So I am not about to answer your question directly at all. Instead I am going to ask you to hold your view of the world differently and to avoid situations where you cause yourself to feel you are tolerated (NO, I do not mean withdraw fomr the world), and to open yourself to the danger of being liked by people.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Re: Wondering 
