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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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He's acknowledged to himself that he's gay. To me that is pretty brave. He's accepted that, in all probabaility, he will spend his life with a male partner. And with luck he will. He's sweet, charming, far too self effacing, bright, good company, shy and good looking.
He's at university.
How would our more experienced members advise him to present himself when seeking a partner, and how would you advise him to look for one?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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It is hard to say, but I would definitely advise that he avoid using the internet to find a partner, not because internet relationships are impossible, but because they can be terribly hard at times. And the younger you are, the harder they are. Being in University I'm sure he does not have the financial indepedence that a person needs to really make a long-distance internet initiated relationship work. The internet can be a useful tool for meeting friends, though, and occasionally you can get lucky and find people locally. But ultimately I'd advise looking into local clubs for gay young adults like at the University. Depending on what he wants in a relationship night clubs may or may not be appropriate. Being single myself it is hard for me to really give advice without it sounding odd but they were my ideas. Ultimately, though, from my experience, you can never find a partner when you are looking for them, most of my relationships and especially my better ones (this includes a lot of friendships, too) have been initiated when I least expected it and when I wasn't looking.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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I'm not sure that I qualify as one of the more 'experienced' members as I was out of touch with other gay men & the gay scene for over 20 years - but I *have* been re-establishing my roots in this area for the past 6 months ...
The gay scene, pubs, clubs, discos & bars is very orientated towards casual sex - even though many if not most of the guys on the scene are actually looking for something long-term. I gather from my younger friends that Uni events are often similar. I definitely don't think this is a good place for the shy or self-effacing (or me).
Getting to know a few gay men as friends is pretty important - as a support group, to get used to being around other gay men, and because many partnerships in both gay and staight worlds start off as meetings through friends of friends. So I think this is probably the best place to start. I can recommend events organised by members of Out ( http://www.outintheuk.com ) as being friendly and non-cruisy - ranging from coffee evenings to bookreadings to theatre visits and stuff. Or join a gay-based activity group if there is one suitable locally - London area groups are listed on http://www.gawhydontyou.com . These groups do have the advantage that at least you know you can start a conversation on the subject of the activity, if nothing else!
Or the route I initially took ... where shyness is related to a lack of self-esteem (it isn't always). A weekend workshop aimed specifically at gay men looking to improve their self-esteem. I found this a good place to start, as I was sure that I wouldn't be the only person there to be shy and lacking in confidence in being in the group. I had a good time, got a bit more self-confident, but most importantly made two really good friends (who were able to act as 'older brothers' in current gay matters, even though they're 15 years younger than me!), plus a couple of fairly close aquiantances. I can give details to anyone interested (free workshops, London UK postal addresses only - though I rather hope such things exist in other large cities).
As to how your friend should "present himself when seeking a partner"? he sounds like a lovely guy, and I'd really recommend that he just is himself - complete with shyness, doubts, self-effacement and all. If he's looking for friendships that may turn into a relationship and eventually a life-partnership, honesty on both sides is a really good place to start ... and emotional honesty is a characteristic that many people find extremely attractive!
I wish your friend all the best in meeting the gorgeous guy he so clearly deserves!
NW
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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as a gay student, while i'd agree with saben to avoid the internet for long distance relationships, it can be a good place to find gay people in the local area.
http://www.faceparty.co.uk is a site a lot of people, both straight and gay use to meet friends near and far. http://www.hi5.com is also one of my favourites, and gaydar, though considerably more err dodgy than the other 2, has its good points when it comes to meeting people.
but if you're looking for lasting relationships, i'm not saure a gaybar is the best place to go. you can find sex their, be it one night stands, or as the term goes "f*** buddies" and you have a good time there with mates, but i wouldn't say you can really meet someone there and end up in a relatyionship with them, espwecially as you only tend to see people there when they are drunk.
if his uni has an LGBT society of some kind, i'd be more inclined to recommend that as a place to start looking. in my experiance, the hardest thing about seeking a relationship when you're gay is actually meeting someone. when you're out in the unions bars most of the people you see are likely to be straight, and if he's a shy person, kissing in the middle of a uni nightclub might not be his cup of tea (i know its not mine). an LGBT society would give him an introduction iunto the gay community of both the university and the local area, and it would do so in a way where the emphasis is more on socialising and not just on sex and parties...
if the person is in the UK/or going to a UK university, almost all uni's have an LGBT society these days as part of the NUS's larger LGB liberation campaign. i might add all these groups are also connected at regional and national levels, so you get a chance to meet people within the larger NUS gay community as well.
as to presnt himself... i'm not quite sure what you mean by that.. i'm guessing your not asking us about how to dress so... ummm just be yourself is the best i can say really. if you try and be someone you're not, you'll find yourself endlessly trying to fit yourself into a mold that isn't you, and it doesn't work - believe me i know.
nor does he need to try and make himself all "kool" or "hip" to make himself fit in , or seem like the rest of the crowd. i for one find it very easy to see when people are trying to hard, or boaasting about stuff to make it seem like they're one of the crowd. its easier to just be the person you describe him to be.
there are plenty of other people who fit that description... shy self effacing etc would probably describe me as well (just leave out the good looking part lol) and so long as you share charactersitvs and likes/dislikes with a person you stand a fairly good chance of getting on with them.
hope that helps somewhat...
i can also give you a few links to uni gay pages... a lot of the uni groups have forums on waygay... sometimes its easier to introduce yourself online first rather than just turn up... and at keele, the society committee does one to one meet and greets, so you're not turning up to the whole society without knowing anyone... the queer youth alliance also has strong links with the LGBT groups at uni, as thats the largest source of their membership.
http://www.nusonline.co.uk/campaigns/lgb/
http://www.queeryouth.org.uk/
http://www.keelelgbt.co.uk
http://waygay.org.uk/f/index.php?showforum=430
i'm sure your uni's union website will contain links to the uni's lgbt society or contact details for them
Odi et amo: quare id faciam, fortasse requiris.
Nescio, set fieri sentio et excrucior
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I'd say present yourself as a human being and act as if you were in you're habitat... L0L.
Time is lifes currency, spend it well.
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I have a brave and shy friend 
