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Jeez, I am such an idiot some times. Actually most of the time. Maybe my mom was right and I could use some help but it's no fair.
So get this, you all have probably heard of Steve, the guy I dated for what seems like ever. So I broke up with him and cuz I didn;t love him. NOw though, he says he thinks hes in love with one of my friends. Not so much a close friend, I don't really have close friends but still. It hurts so much to think of them getting together I cannot stand it.
I'm sure this is completely unreasnoble since I was the one who started the break up, and the one who said we had to stay broken up when he wanted to get back together. Then I am the one who yells and screams at him the other day becuase I am upset. I'm the one who told him to go Fuck the other person ang then die.
I'm the one who got chewed out by my mom.
While I stared at the cieling.
I'm the one who apologized for yelling today.
He's the one who said he forgave me.
I'm the one who always brings up the person he likes.
I'm the one who said they should date.
Now I feel like crap
sitting here rememebring everything I told him to do
and its just not fair. I don't want him back, I dont want to marry him, or live with him. Or be with him forever, I just don't want to give him up so easily. Especially not to my friend. Because then they'll be together, and I'll be the asshole who doesn't have any friends, and now cannot even say one person loves me. Becuase Steve won't be mine anymore. It's no fair.
Again, I am sitting here crying, thinking about how much this hurts. Because I want to keep what was never mine. And I wnat to be selfish, like a little kid, and not share my toys with anyone, even if it isn't a toy I like.
I don't want someone to tell me it will all be alright, or that it is my fault. Or even jsut about anything. I just want the pain to go away. Logically I know that it will because it always does. However at the same time I know a way to make it go away. And I wish I could just drink like all the other kids in my class to forget my problems and all the pain. But I cannot, and I know where to get drugs but I can't becuase I am a chicken. Then suicide seems so appealing, and yet not. Becuase I don't want to die.
At youth group once at church, they had two former drug addicts come talk to us once. Mostly the guys talked about their expieriences and coming clean and god. But one thing the guys said really sticks in my mind. He said it's not that we want to do drugs anymore, or that we want to drink, or that we want to smoke. All we want is to change the way we feel. Drugs are just the easiest way to change how a person feels.
Right now I would even take the empty blank feeling I know a way to get, over the gnawing pain chewing up my stomach and insides.
I'm sorry to cry to you all, but I didn't know who else to ramble to, because I don't want people here to tattle to my parents, or do anything like that.
And despite what I know you guys will say, this is my fault. It's my creation, my fault, and my doing entirely.
Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?
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I know how it feels. I'm not going to give you any advice, because you don't need any: you've already mentioned all the right things. But there is one thing that you need more than anything else at this moment. Sorry I can only give it to you virtually, but here is a giant bear
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ H U G }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
for Andy.
The paradox has often been noted that the United States, founded in secularism, is now the most religiose country in Christendom, while England, with an established church headed by its constitutional monarch, is among the least. (Richard Dawkins, 2006)
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Thanks homey, I appreciate it, I went to sleep lasy night, and I guess I'm not feeling better, but I am feeling more alive. My mom didn't yell at methis mornring about my Stats paper, and she is even considering letting me stay home. I may just go in late again today, I dunno haven't really decided yet. I know my dad will be pissy if I stay home, but whatever ya know.
Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?
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Andy, is it possible that although you did not want Steve as a boyfriend you do still want him as a friend? If that is the case - go and tell him that!
And again, {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}
The paradox has often been noted that the United States, founded in secularism, is now the most religiose country in Christendom, while England, with an established church headed by its constitutional monarch, is among the least. (Richard Dawkins, 2006)
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I did tell him that, but he seems like he canot be friends with me unless we are dating. I don't like that. sighs the other guy keeps bugging me and asking mewhats wrong and if im mad at him/ steve, god can't they all just leave me alone. Maybe I don't wnat to talk to them, is that so hard to understand.
Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?
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Andy i think you're learning the difference between loving someone, whether it be for romantic love or friendship or what ever and possessing someone.
Too often these days love is equated with possession. Love does not possess. Love is pure freedom, if you love someone no matter what kind of love, you would have great joy for them in their finding happiness.
I hope there comes a time soon when we can even learn to love ourselves and not beat ourselves over the head because we don't live up to some Madison Ave or whom evers concept of who and how we should be. Be true to your self because that is where you'l find happiness and comfort.
Rich
People will tell you where they've gone
They'll tell you where to go
But till you get there yourself you never really know
Where some have found their paradise
Other's just come to harm
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Isn;t it ironic, here he is sleeping on my floor for the weekend... In my room... Sighs
Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?
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Andy,
***hugs***
I really hope things get better soon. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to MSN or email me. I am thinking of you...
Deej
P.S. Good luck in your recital today.
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