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Hi All,
Could any of you give me advice on the best way to casually drop into the conversation that I am gay without making it obvious that I am deliberately trying to let them know I am gay?
I have a lot of old friends from school and it would probably be helpful in some cases if I could let them know I am gay without causing them to question my motives for letting them know. Saying "by the way, I'm gay" sounds pretty gratuitous; with many friends I have practically never raised the subject of sexuality with them, and some of them have seemed uncomfortable with talking about it in the past. (That's not to say I think they are homophobic -- I am sure they are not, as most of the people at my school were intelligent and open-minded. I should imagine they'd react the same way if I said, "oh, by the way, I'm looking for a girlfriend" -- it just wouldn't be terribly relevant to my friendship with them.)
I'd be really grateful for any pointers.
Many thanks,
Deej
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I think that I do it by just being a little bit more detailed than I would have been before I was so fully out.
saying "a former boyfriend used to say that I was a sad case" rather than "some of my friends think i'm a sad case", or saying "I'm thinking of doing some voluntary work for a gay mans counselling group ..." rather than just "I'm thinking of doing some voluntary work ..", sort of thing.
Really, the kind of thing that I'd now just do anyway. Hopefully it's non-scary, and is treating them as though you assume they've always known anyway (and often at some level they may have, of course). But treating being gay in such an offhand fashion means that they may not actually clock it, and you don't get (usually) get any feedback to show if they've taken it in. I don't know if that's something you would find important (I don't).
But I think it's excellent that you want to let old friends know, but not not make a big deal of it: I quite agree that it's usually just not relevant to many old friendships.
best of luck!
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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Thanks, NW.
The thing is, I don't really want to be thought of as "gay", but I still want people to know I am gay. I feel if I make it too obvious then people will start expecting me to behave in a certain way. And I've never had a boyfriend (or girlfriend), so I can't really bring that up.
The slightly awkward thing is that I would like to let a couple of people I don't know terribly well (but I would count as friends) that not only am I gay, but that I find them attractive... which is difficult, because it might put a strain on the friendship if they are not, or even if they are, gay.
Is there any way of asking someone else if they are gay without making it too obvious that one is asking, too? Things like "do you have a girlfriend" probably wouldn't work as -- well, either it's not relevant or I know jolly well that they don't have one.
Hmmm.
Deeej
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13801
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The other way is simply to be obvious. "I have something that has been burning a hole in me since I found out myself. I don't know why I never said anything at school since our school was such a safe place to come out. It's not as a big a deal as I'm making it, but I have this need to tell people now."
Notice that I have not said "Hi, Percy, I'm gay!". Percy can assume. Percy can ask.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13801
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And when percy asks "What are you wittering on about?" the answer is "Oh, I thought I said. I'm gay."
Then you can talk about the facts that you were always afraid people would expect you to wear pink angora sweaters and tight pvc trousers, so you were scared.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Deej (also David) wrote:
> >
> Is there any way of asking someone else if they are gay without making it too obvious that one is asking, too?
>
If there is, I haven't discovered it!
BUT, you can create an atmosphere where people feel comfortable telling you that they're gay, because they know that you are supportive of gay people. This can be tough. And certainly will lead to more aquaintances gussing that you are not exclusively heterosexual. Things like, being strongly supportive of gay partnership laws, dismissive of the intolerance shown by the Anglican Communion to the church that ordains gay bishops, picking up on disimissive comments about "fags" by saying that you don't see anything wrong with it and thank god we're all different ... there's something in the paper nearly every day, and these issues do crop up in conversation fairly frequently (at least, they do among my friends).
Many gay guys apparently develop 'gaydar' - a relaible intuition about other gay men. I never have, more's the pity. But you can tell a lot about whether somone's attracted to you by thinking about their body language (open gestures and posture, eye contact, tendency to sit in the same postures ...), even if you have to work it out intellectually like I do.
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13801
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The act of comimg out creates the atmosphere for people to talk to you.
The "Did you hear that Deej is Gay?" word of mouth will let those who want to tell you be able to tel you.
Gaydar is something I suspect comeds with our own openness. We send off "gay frinedly vibes" and they are returned. It is well named, for Radar does that, kind of! Remember, any fool can have gaydar in a gay bar!
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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