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Hmm...
Just came out to my mother. The conversation went something like this:
Me: I was having a conversation with Dad the other day and I asked him if he would be all right if I had a relationship with a boy rather than a girl. And I wanted to check whether that is all right with you.
Mother: Do you have anyone in mind?
Me: No, hypothetically speaking.
Mother: It doesn't mean a lot to me either way. But if it comes down to a choice then you'd be better off with a girl.
Me: It's not usually a case of making a choice.
Mother: Well, it doesn't mean a lot to me either way. It's not something that any mother would wish on her child. Will you please throw away these used tea-bags from beside the kettle? I don't know why every time I come into the kitchen I have to clear up after you.
At which point the conversation changed tack and we talked reasonably amicably about something else.
I don't know whether (several of these may apply)
i. I just caught her at a bad time, when she was feeling a bit irritable
(this seems likely to me)
ii. She had already discussed it with my father
iii. She is genuinely apathetic (as she implied)
iv. She is not happy about it, but didn't want to upset me
Afterwards things continued as normal - I didn't really get the impression that my mother is upset. (Though I'm not very good at judging these things.)
I'm not quite sure now whether I should...
i. Leave it for a few months/years until I actually have a boyfriend or girlfriend (never having had one)
ii. Bring it up again today when she is in a better mood
iii. Bring it up in a week or so
iv. Talk to my father (who was supportive) about it
Does anyone have any advice?
Best wishes
Deeeeeeeeeeeeej
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Good for you!
I had a somewhat similar experience when I came out to my own mother ... about 25 years ago. It felt a bit dismissive. But it turned out that she just needed some time to digest what I'd said, and think about the implications. I do now - and have for a number of years - have a very good relationship with her where I can quite openly discuss how devastated I felt when my last relationship was over, reassure her that I understand HIV / safe-sex issues, and that kind of thing.
So I think the idea of waiting a week or so and (gently) raising it again (if she doesn't) is a good one - she may well have questions that she's not sure how to raise with you, or even just need to be reassured that you are still the same person!
And my own feeling is that - if that's how it works out - it's better to sort out any issues about being gay in the abstract, before the actual personality of a real live boyfriend confuses the issue.
best of luck.
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Assume two things. (1) That she means precisoley what she says, ans (2) that she is now processing this information
She is right. Were it to be a choice, choose girls! Since it is not, then no, it os not aomething a parent woudl wish for a child, but you have that orientation and her good wishes.
Wasn't it wonderfuly anit-climactic?
Did you throw the tea bags away? And why don't you use loose tea?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Ah yes. Advice.
Do both of "Talk to Dad" and "Re-raise the topic in a week with her".
It is important to you to be approved of. So create the opportunity for them each to approve of you.
"Mum, Dad, I know you're OK with my being gay. I'm not quite sure about telling (brother) though. I also feel a little odd. One day I want to intriduce soemone special to you, when I find him. I'm kind of scared of that......" and tail off and see what happens.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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 Congratulations on having such cool parents and so value them – perhaps by putting your teabags in the bin (LOL).
If my mother was anything to go by, yours probably already knew you were gay by maternal instinct and you will have to wait some weeks to find out what she really thinks.
Now you have to think through how or whether you are going to tell your friends. Just be discreet which I think you will have the ability to be, judging by your parents.
Hugs
Nigel
I dream of boys with big bulges in their trousers,
Never of girls with big bulges in their blouses.
…and look forward to meeting you in Cóito.
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Thanks, Nigel.
Actually, as far as my friends go, I made the decision ages and ages ago (probably four years ago) that if anyone actually asked me what my sexuality was, I would tell them.
The problem is, no-one has actually asked me...
I suppose I will try and make it public knowledge. It would be so much easier if being gay was just a "matter-of-fact" thing and something you could just ask people. Perhaps it is, and I just haven't had the courage yet. My friends, luckily, are a liberal lot.
Deej
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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The thing is, people do not ask. They assume. And we don't make our life easier for ourselves
We hide ourselevs whenever we imply that we also find "the tits on THAT" appealing by nodding instead of saying that they are not wholly appealing. Or when peole talk about a pretty girl and we agree that she is sexually alluring.
And heterosexuals "come out" all the time with just such phrases.
I'm having fun with a neighbour at present, asking wbout his favouriet sexy male film stars! One day he may even twig! Especially since I have also lent him a gay porn video!
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Just tried some loose Earl Grey I found in the cupboard. And it does taste better than bagged Earl Grey. Though I couldn't find a tea-strainer anywhere and had to strain it through a sieve...
Who are these people who drink Earl Grey black with a hint of lemon? The box doesn't even mention having it with milk, yet I have never met anyone who doesn't.
Let's all resurrect old threads to try and obscure Timmy's peculiar post about scrota!
David
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Re: just came out to my mother 
