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This is a heads up to those that I haven't been able to contact so far. About noon local time, after making the above post, Sam tried to perform a japanese ritual called seppuku. Literally translated, it means "belly cutting." In short, our Tyger was prepared to kill himself.
He is unharmed. He was prevented from injuring himself. And for safety reasons I have restricted his access to sharp toys. I am convinced that his heart was not into actually committing suicide. Several events have happened all at once recently. Without making any secrets public, Sam has had a very rough series of weeks. Apparently, it all reached a breaking point for him.
He's doing well at the moment. I am very concerned about him. But he is no longer acting as if he is suicidal. A lot of the situations that predicated his decision to take his own life have come into the open for me, and we are working on possible solutions now. A few things will take him a long time to get through, naturally. Other situations have at least been addressed and partially dealt with. Some other things, well, are having a devistating effect on him.
Personally, to see him about to do that was not so much a wake up call, as it was an ultimate shock to my system. This awesome child left in my care, who for me is as close as a brother or a son, this fighter, this champion, who fights so hard for life and health that so many of us take for granted, to see him with a blade wrapped in paper at his exposed belly shook me to my core. He takes so much pain into himself, so much that he takes away from his friends and loved ones. It all built up so much in him and collapsed all at once. To see him so willing to give up the life he battles for every day saddened me in ways too profound to describe.
He is, in my humble opinion, the strongest person I've met in his entire generation, if not the strongest ever. My Little Brother has always been about love and life and hope. He has always been a light in any room, a smile to any stranger, and a hand to those that need a hand up. I try to help him through these difficult times, but I can't be there for him always. I only hope that the same hope and love and life he so willingly gives to others is a source of comfort for him, and that others give him some aid and comfort as well.
He's made his mistakes, as we all do. But he is atoning for them. He still has some very difficult memories to deal with, but he's facing them now. I cannot protect him from these things, but he is learning to handle them on his own, which is as it should be.
I feel confident that he will not attempt to take his own life again. He's a tuff guy, but he's fairly well grounded emotionally. I can honestly say that if I were in the grip of the demons he's been plagued with lately, I might be tempted by the sweet release of a final end as well. Fortunately for all of us, Tyger has decided that his own life is still worth fighting for. I still worry for him, especially with what he is dealing with, medically as well as the emotions that have so been more a burden than a joy to him of late. My guess is that he is turning things around.
Fight on little Tyger. Your Water Brothers are rooting for you.
It's not the wolf you see you should fear, but all the ones he howls with. Don't be afraid of the song, but don't piss off the choir.
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