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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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We leave on saturday and return in a week
A short vacation in a beautiful nation.
My thoughts are with someone who is having a very hard day today, possibly the hardest of his life. He iwll not have time to read this, but my thoughts are with him.
Y'all play nice while I'm away!
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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We had a great break in a beautiful nation. They are proud of their country and it shows. A small nation of fewrwer than 2 million people, and all content with being Slovenian.
We took 418 photos. And I took this one to remind me of childhood. He was just a kid. Pleasing to behold, yes. Oddly tinted hair and a carefree expression. He isn't here to drool over. In so many ways quite the reverse. We had lunch by the lido where he and his sister were doing what brothers and sisters do. Being kids and squabbling a little. I watched them idly in between watching a small girl kneeling at the edge and having an immediate urge to prod her into the sea!
I watched and my eyes filled with tears a little for the boy I was, might have been. I wanted the blonded and pale orange dyed hair and to be a kid again, with no worries about girls or boys, without being gay or str8, just to be me. I wanted parents who would let me have silly hairstyles instead of parents I had to fight every millimetre of hair length. I wanted to be playing seemingly without a care in the world on a concrete lido with a sibling.
In short not knowing any of his circumstances I wanted to swap places with this unknown boy.
The longing took ages to fade.
He faces school, exams, probable national service in his army, and who knows what in his future. He has his own set of worries, hopes and fears. I actually have a comfortable life and am already loved.
The point I think I am making is for me. To learn to be content with the present and welcome the future, not to live in the past. Not to long for the past.
So I thank this unknown lad, and his hairstyle. I will learn the lesson if I can. I am trying to.
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Attachment: wishes.jpg
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Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Nobody's been talking while you were away.
Hugs
N
I dream of boys with big bulges in their trousers,
Never of girls with big bulges in their blouses.
…and look forward to meeting you in Cóito.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Oh they have really. Mainly about the Vermont mother's letter
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Much of what you say also applies to me. I must also try harder!!
Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts or measure words
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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The thing I think is the key is not to hanker after "might have beens". which is truly hard to stop doing, but to look at the glories of what is in our lives.
There is nothing wrong, inherently, in having fallen in love at 13, and nothing except the delicious pain of unrequited love is wrong with having wanted him for a small number of years. My error was in not facing myself. I chose to say my error was in not facing him, thus always having a little blame attach to him because he was untraceable for years (or so I also chose to believe)
I should and could have moved on when I was 18. I might have found love with a boy, or with a girl. Instead I closed that option off by being prickly and obsessing.
I did find love with a beautiful girl of 22 when I was 26. We have a fine 20 year old son. I am loved. I have a past, a present, and a future.
It has taken me too long to understand it in the front of my mind, though several here will tell you they have been drumming this into me for years. Odd that the catalyst was a cute lad in a foreign land that finally made me understand how to do this for me.
It will take getting used to. And I absolutely must do this with the same determination that I moved my obsession for John into a simple warm feeling for him and the ability to wish him well in whatever he does.
I'm imperfect. I am not even going to try for perfection. Instead I am going to remind myself to be me.
It doesn't mean I have to come out. It does mean I need to stop being angry all my life.
I have been angry since i was 13. It is a long habit to break, but those who know me well can see it always in my eyes. It is not good to be angry all the time.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Timmy,
You brought tears to my eyes with the picture and your thoughts about the young man. The reason? It seems that you and I are living in a paralell universe so to speak. Your story is so very much like mine. I have been watching young men over the last several months and having similar thoughts to yours. I thank you so much for having the courage to express those thoughts here. It has helped me realize once again that I am truly not alone. Seems I need to be reminded of that on occasion.
Thanks.
John
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I think so many of us do live in the past.
It is not easy to get into the present, the past was so comfortable, in a terrifying way.
I look at all I have done over my life and so much has been stupid and so much actually wise 
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Please email me? Not heard from you for ages
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Re: Am back and refreshed 
