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yes, it's me again. my leaving and returning is a lot like the boy who cried wolf: by now, i'm sure no one would dare believe that i am "better" unless they risk facing my horrid mood swings and whatever else. but i invite you to read if you want. having been faced with my own mortality over the years, you'd think i'd be humbled, howeer, it's been when i've faced the mortality of others that i finally broke down.
it takes one hell of a breakdown to finally realise that, yes, you need to be put back together again. and, yes, you need help in that.
i won't go into details, i'll only say that it had to deal with a 1-day-old baby whose autopsy was the hardest thing ever, but cleared all of our consciences and possibly our records, our names. it involves a co-worker who i fell for at work; who is married and i knew that, but i didn't stop him from doing what he did, for lack of self worth. it all led to a major breakdown at work. like all dramatic, like falling to my knees in the middle of the lab, sobbing, that i couldn't do this job anymore. it hurts too much. i'm not inhuman like the doctors and nurses seem to be.
i saw the on-hand psychologist, who recommended me to a free doctor who helps with things like post-trauma/death situations at the hospital, so that we can decompress after things like this. from there, a lot of realisations came to light -- and this doctor (who i still see every other week) referred me to another psychologist, who specialises in three things i never thought i'd find in one doctor:
women
eating disorders
gender identity isssues.
it's like fate said, 'alright, kid. here's your last chance.' and so i took it, and things have slowly been falling into place. i do not eat more (yet), but i eat better. i don't love myself (yet) but i'm able to meet my own eyes in the mirror. i had to do this exercise where i find something positive about myself, physically and internally, and a talent.
internally was that, despite it all, i am a wonderful mother. perhaps the best i know. i can say that and sound perhaps egotistical, and not wince at that.
my talent is that i am an excellent phlebotomist; i can get blood out of stone. i am also a wonderful violinist. these, too, i can say without cringing at myself and countering it with 1598 bad things about me.
physically i could only choose my eyes. they are the color of fireflies at night, mixed with maybe bourbon. they are orange-hazel. when i was 14 my best friend and huge crush (gay -- surprise) told me he could get drunk off them. i can't love the rest of me, yet.
someday.
currently i am in love with a girl who i've known for six years in the online world, from a writing/gaming community we have been a part of since we were lost, young teens. i will have the chance to meet her face to face in the upcoming spring, but we phone-talk all the time, talk online, have 34530498 pictures of each other and our animals, and her my daughter, and we have rings that match -- purest, sterling silver; joined hearts with my birthstone and hers. even if we don't last as lovers, i believe she is, somehow, a soulmate or soultwin. right now this works. she also has a boyfriend she will soon be living with, who loves that we love each other. but i don't know if it's real -- they say you have to love yourself before you can love another, or be loved by another, and i have yet to love myself. right now i'm only able to tolerate and sometimes accept myself.
i know i have come here and apologised, like, 454039853 times before. and i also know it meant nothing. i know that this time it might mean nothing, and came here posting expecting nothing. whenever i do, i get sad, hurt, feel ignored and left=out if 345098 people don't respond. but this time, i'm posting for myself. i'm posting because once upon a time, i felt safe and loved here. i made wonderful friends here. i looked up to our administrator like a father (which is silly since we never talked off the board because i've been timid to ever message or ask for an IM name), even when i've been upset at him, because my own father is such a lame excuse for one and timmy was always comforting that way. no-nonsense, but caring.
i had, at one time, several "friends" here and some i know i will never get back (ie: kevin, lenny, a few others) and i am just going to have to accept that and stop trying, no matter how many blank email screens i stare at, or cell #s that never get answered by a person. i have to move on. there is only actually 1 person from here i'm still in contact with, fleetingly. sometimes 2. and it might always be that way, and that's going to have to be fine with me, enough for me.
but i want people to know here, new arrivals and old, that i will always be here; IM names, email box, anything, if anyone ever needs. you dont ever have to take me up on it, you just have to know it. only actions can prove, not words -- no matter how elaborately i string them, how sincere i mix and match them, words will not cut it this time.
only action.
i hope people have taken the time to read this far; i know it's long and silly. i won't apologise for the past because i have so many times already, and because the past is just that -- past. it's time for me to move on.
- heathyr.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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