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Deej, your childhood situation sounds a bit like mine was. I was an only child, with a very loving but probably overprotective mother. There was certainly no strip poker with the boys in the woods behind my house. I was brought up not to touch and I didn't.
When I was 14 my mother killed herself. She had been the centre of my life, and I had no idea how to grieve or to cope with the loss.
I became a boarder at the school I attended and everyone commented how well I was doing and how my schoolwork had hardly suffered. But underneath I was using all kinds of coping strategies.
It seemed like I was being made to grow up very quickly. But I just wanted everything to go back to being the way it was. I longed to be a child with a loving mother.
The thing I associated most with growing up was my impending sexualisation which I viewed like a time bomb ticking inside me. I wanted nothing to do with it. The idea that some hormone in my body was suddenly going to make girls irrisistably attractive to me scared the hell out of me.
I slept in a dormitory of 16 boys and the conversation after lights out left little to the imagination. I was probably the only boy who didn't masturbate.
I wasn't even entirely sure how to do it. In fact it wasn't until I was 18 that I discovered a new way of rubbing against the bedclothes and brought myself to ejaculation for the first time. After that I gradually tried new techniques and finally lost my inhibitions about touching myself.
I masturbated regularly, but seldom fantasised about other people. To this day I do not know whether I am gay or straight.
Soon after I turned 40, I met a woman who, after I had confided my innocence to her, made it her mission to induct me into the ways of sex. It was the first time I had even seen a naked woman's body. Slowly and gently over a period of several weeks, she taught me how to touch and carress until one romantic evening we finally made love.
The relationship did not last. She grew weary of playing "teacher" and complained, justifiably, that I lacked passion. Three years on from that relationship, despite the loss of my virginity, I still perceive myself as the innocent child. I am seeing a psycho-sexual counsellor who is encouraging me to self-sexualise. One of the exercises is to try to introduce fantasies into masturbation sessions.
He has also told me that the association of childhood with innocence is pretty flawed. Most children learn to pleasure themselves from a very young age - it has even been observed in unborn babies inside the womb.
Innocence is over-rated. Most of my life I have been lonely, but too frightened to seek a partner because I feared I wouldn't be able to cope with the sex thing.
Now I am hoping that my sexuality is not absent, but just repressed.
To all those who experience sexual attraction - gay or straight - spare a thought for those who don't.
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Thank you, Nick. I found your post very interesting. Your experience does seem much closer to mine than everyone else's. I hope that you do manage to find a lasting relationship some day. And, for that matter, so do I. 
Perhaps masturbation is just something that there is a knack to. I hope there is, because I haven't found it yet. As I see it at the moment, sex is simply an expression of mutual love between a couple and nothing about physical pleasure -- because I've never experienced that pleasure myself. But of course, as most people see it (especially when young) it is quite the opposite.
The interesting thing is that my lack of desire for sex is quite separate from my sense of physical attraction. Without having any sense or desire for sex I do sometimes come across people (boys, and very occasionally girls) I find very physically attractive.
For a long time I really disliked using any sort of label about my sexuality. There is a widespread public perception that being "gay" indicates a certain type of sexual preference rather than just a liking for boys, and I actually feel slightly embarrassed that people might think I want to have sex with men!
That said, I do think that the only real way ahead is to try and experience some sort of relationship. It's all very well to subscribe to some sort of Platonic ideal, but it doesn't work very well on a practical level. Hopefully I'll be able to find someone who is intelligent and sensitive and able to help with that.
It's nice to hear from you, Nick. I hope everything's going well?
David
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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A bit of advice..... All kidding aside.....
The true expression of "gayness" has very little to do with actual sex. Sex is fun and stimulating and all that and in time you will discover it's pleasures.
Being "gay" though means the ability to love another male in all those other ways. Ways as simple as just being together, showing mutual respect toward one and other, weathering the bad times and rejoicing in the good.
It is easy to see that you are a passionate person and care deeply about the things that are truely important in life. Try to be less hard on yourself and don't let little things wear you down.
You can be all that you dream to be and have all you are willing to reach for.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13798
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Deeej wrote:
> Perhaps masturbation is just something that there is a knack to. I hope there is, because I haven't found it yet. As I see it at the moment, sex is simply an expression of mutual love between a couple and nothing about physical pleasure -- because I've never experienced that pleasure myself. But of course, as most people see it (especially when young) it is quite the opposite.
In general it is a technique that one must learn. And some people find it easier than others. As an example I am among the rather unhappy group of men that are unable to achieve orgasm while penetrating their partner. It is a technique no-one has been able to tell me how to learn. I can masturbate to orgasm (or I coudld before surgery) with ease. Today it requires supreme concentration.
A major positive technique is to encircle the testicles and penis base with the spare hand to concentrate sensate focus on the groin. At the same time one works as gently as possoble, without frantic haste, to an indefinable point where the start of the orgasm sensation switches on. From here on one does not stop or change rhythm except insofar as the body's natural feedback loop instructes the hands.
Note that orgasm may be awesome or total anticlimax. Either is natural, and it fluctuates.
For those who may be taking SSRI medication the side effects are the removal of orgasm. No poiunt in punding away when the outcime is impossible. They also remove desire and libido.
>
> The interesting thing is that my lack of desire for sex is quite separate from my sense of physical attraction. Without having any sense or desire for sex I do sometimes come across people (boys, and very occasionally girls) I find very physically attractive.
You are allowed to fantasise, though. Snuggle and cuddle fantasies are perfectly valid.
>
> For a long time I really disliked using any sort of label about my sexuality. There is a widespread public perception that being "gay" indicates a certain type of sexual preference rather than just a liking for boys, and I actually feel slightly embarrassed that people might think I want to have sex with men!
One thing form my own experience, here. I adore boys. Thsi comes from being gay "suddenly" at 13 when the boy I adored, though nine months older than I, had not entered puberty (externally at least) and nor had I. And his pubert was delayed perhaops a year past my own. So I was in love with an immature body form and a kid - "little boy". While reasonable at the time - we were the smae age - it woudl be unacceptable today for me to desire a realtionship with a 13 year old immature boy. Nothing can prevent me from finding them delightful to look at, nor even in my private places to think sexual thoughts about them. It is inevitable that I will do this, for I am the same human beung now that I was then.
What I have been careful to do is to raise my sights not only to lawful age ranges but to socially acceptable age ranges. It takes willpower and positive thought to do this, but it is possible, and I advise it strongly not only to you but to all like me who somehow got stuck or fixated at around puberty.
>
> That said, I do think that the only real way ahead is to try and experience some sort of relationship. It's all very well to subscribe to some sort of Platonic ideal, but it doesn't work very well on a practical level. Hopefully I'll be able to find someone who is intelligent and sensitive and able to help with that.
What you need first is a good and sensitive male friend, one who may well be gay, and one who is at ease with hiomself and oyu and will be the man you need.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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