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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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is it really safe here. i mean to ask things
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Brian, what do you mean by "safe"?
The paradox has often been noted that the United States, founded in secularism, is now the most religiose country in Christendom, while England, with an established church headed by its constitutional monarch, is among the least. (Richard Dawkins, 2006)
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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It is as safe as you choose to make it.
For example I would suggest you do not reveal details in piblic that will identify precisely who you are, because the forum is public.
If you are unfamiliar with the internet you may not realise that everything you do leaves a "trace" and can, with forensic activity, trace back to you if anyone in law enforcement is interested.
If you have simple questions, for example on sexuality, bodily functions, love etc, those are safe to ask.
You will discover that people have opinions that may differ from yours and will express them to you. You may appreciate this or may not.
In terms of safety I try very hard to "police" this in accordance with the guidelines at the top. So I do not allow posts that flame people, for example, to remain.
I think the answer is that it is safer than talking to your neares and dearest because, even if people are judgemental, they cannot do it in person. Nor can anything you reveal be hurled in your face every day.
It is more like a "common room" of frineds than the living rooom in your home.
Does that help you?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Thanks
Does it ever get better, cause right now being gay really really sucks.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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It is, for me at least, like a rollercoaster ride. It has huge awful parts, and it has parts that are "just normal life", and parts that I acively enjoy, like seeing a half naked donny osmond on tv last night and realising that he is a far better man than he was a boy.
It is, in part, how you hold it. It is not my life that changes with the roller coaster, it is my attitude to my life. When I am happy then being gay is wholly unimportant. When I am busy then being gay is unimportant. It is when I am sad that I get incredibly lonely and being gay seems to matter.
But this is not about my gayness. Being gay does not rule me. It is a part of me only. It is what I want to do with my body and my emotions, not my life.
OK maybe that doesn't help. But it might just be a start.
It is not essential but it might be useful to know more about your age group and your situation. No-one needs to know who you are or where you live, just generalities will do fine.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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nobu
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Getting started |
Location: somewhere between north a...
Registered: June 2005
Messages: 16
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I won't try to know your situation at this point, i'll just share some of my experiences of the low points.
I think for most, realisation of being gay starts of being so crappy because there isn't anyone to immediately identify with; a person can feel so alone simply by not being able to share their problems to the people it matters to the most, and the thing holding them back is fear.
As time went on and I told more trust worthy people about my sexuality, the more it became easier to talk about, and now i can say i'm gay without hesitation......except to my parents and their friends who i consnder to be family.
I eventually realised that being gay wasn't making me unhappy, it was just the loneliness. knowing people with similar tastes and who are the same ages helps immensely.
whatever is making you unhappy about being gay, soon you will realise that your sexuality isn't the root. (that doesn't sound postive, but i think its supposed to be ^_^ ).
i don't really know you, or the others here, but... *huggles*
...eight priests!!! It looked impressive!
We Wrote Letters Every Day by The Fiery Furnaces
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Well, Brian,
Part of the "suckiness" of being gay usually can be attributed to loneliness, and it is that feeling (of isolation) that is the most unfortunate and (usually) the most unnecessary of all when it comes to such a topic.
More than likely, there are several people who are willing to help you in your community, whatever/wherever that might be, but they may not flock to you; you just might have to act first. I know I had to do the same in my freshman year. It's easy to get lost in the crowd and trapped by the - sometimes appealing - concept that you are "alone" in being gay.
There was an LGBTQ center right next to my dorm, and I knew it. I passed it every day. But it took me weeks to work up the courage to actually enter it and poke around.
Remember, the mere effort of opening a door will also open to you whole rooms. That may be what you have to do in this case.
Hope that helps,
-Matthew
viðrar vel til loftárása
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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wow, I wasnt expecting even one answer. Thanks.
I know you said not to give out to much information. I couldnt stand it if my mom found out im gay. she would freak.
my age range is 13 to 16, I live in the southern part of the USA in an area thats considered the bible belt, well the buckle of the belt. Ive seen guys in school that have been found out and what happens to them. it scares me.
I know the lonely thing. Ive tried to talk to some guys on line in chat rooms, but they act like your poison. I tried the teen chat rooms, sorry, Im not that stupid. all they talk about is hip hop and whoes cool.
I cant trust any of my family, at least I dont think. they are pretty red neck. I mean I catch heck cause im not into sports.
I dont feel like going on now, later. Going to bed.
Thanks again
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Sorry, looks like my answer showed up after Tims reply.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Being a young teen is rotten hard because the very people you need to ask things of are somehow just not there for you. Equally people online are scared of speaking to minors because they fear being accused of grooming a minor for sex, which is an offence. I understand, from that perspective, why your chat room experiences have been difficult.
I will not guarantee that people who contact you from here will all have pure motives. You must make your own judgements about each of us and break contact at once with any you feel are "odd" in some way without even bothering to explain why.
OK, that's got that out of the way.
I have an inkling of the bible belt and family values there. I know it is a difficult place to live and I understand your concern about talking to the very people whose job in life is to help you. I had those concerns myself and I stayed closeted well into my alleged adulthood.
I am going to suggest you read a particular story to start with: http://iomfats.org/storyshelf/hosted/grasshopper/rain/rain01.html and see if it speaks to you about patience. You need it for the moment.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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The story was written for a lad, matty, in a similar siutation to oyu. He is in Utah and LDS, and thus in a difficult spot as well.
Please remember two things:
First your orientation will vary over time. While it is likely that you will always be attracted to guys you may also be or become attracted to girls. That attraction to girls may be sufficient for you not to need the "guy part"
Second you absolutely did not choose to be attracted to guys, nor did anyone cause this to happen with any overt act. It may be in your genetic makeup. It may be the way you were raised. No-one is totally sure. But the thing is you did not choose this path, it selected you. The road is easier than it was even five years ago, but it is not the easiest road to walk. The longer you can keep your family around you the better because you need their love.
You cannot "be cured" because you are one of the many types of normal that there are in the world. If you are gay you are part of a large minority of normal people. http://www.truluck.com will be a useful resource if you have challenges of faith.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Thanks everybody, especially Timmy. I know about avoiding people. When I was 12 my mom had a boyfriend. He liked to tickle me and wrestle me while waitting for my mom. Then he started touching me where he shouldnt, and trying to pull my pants down. I told my mom. I got slapped and grounded for making up lies. I got real good at avoiding him.
I read the story. Grasshopper must be pretty smart. I guess being gay is pretty much the same for everybody, seems like that anyway. I guess I got a hundred questions, but cant ask them all at once.
I know I should be patient. I would like to have a best friend. someone to talk about the day with, to tell them when Im unhappy or sad or having a great day. I dont want a best friend when Im 30, I want someone now. Even an internet friend.
Well I gotta go. Christmas and all.
Thanks again, I know you are trying to help, and you are, just talking helps.
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I'd say life in general is much the same for everyone, seen from a certain angle. Same troubles, same wants.
Oh, and you said before I got to: Patience is a virtue, but life does not wait, and passively waiting and hoping is a dangerous sport. (This as a counterweight to Timmy's post, which has much wisdom in it)
I am a little out of words ATM, but ask your questions. Seek information, think, live. Oh, and merry christmas!
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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No school today, which is great. I like school, its having to go that I dont like.
Guess Im being rude and forgetting myself. Marry Christmas everybody.
Why is everybody here different from the guys in the chat rooms? All I ever got from them was GET OUT OF HERE, or YOU DONT BELONG IN HERE. Stuff like that.
Oh! how do you let someone know your interested, or seeing if they are, without getting your brain splattered all over the place?
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Hi Brian
You're right. Grasshopper is a pretty switched on guy. He's not exactly centuries older than you either, In fact I believe he has a better understanding of the trials and tribulations of teen feelings than most.
No, it's not always easy being gay or whatever you finaly decide your sexuallity may be. Just remember it's up to YOU who you decide to share your thoughts and feelings with, no one else, so you're not obliged to tell anyone, and certainly not sooner than you want.
Safe is as safe as you make it. Do not entrust personal information too quickly, like Timmy suggests. You can ask questions here anytime, and you'll get answers. But if someone is trying to get too close to you from here, treat it with caution. People are not always as they seem as we've recently had cause to find out. I'm pleased to see that you are not too gullible.
Have a Happy Christmas if you can, whoever your god may be if any. In any event I wish you well.
Mike.g
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I'm sure some of us here are precisely the same as people in chat rooms. We are bound to have a predator or two, and we are bound to have people who will not talk to minors. But in general we do not have a bunch of people here who are "just out for sex".
I think that may be because the messagebaord is built around a site that encourages romance. Not that it discourages sex, you understand, but the message is that gay people deserve and are allowed romance and love, too.
If you were not in the bible belt and nervous of familial and peer reaction I would say "You go up to him and let him know you fancy him." Marc will tell you, if he comes back and posts, that 90% of boys want sex and that he could seduce any boy, gay or straight, when he was in school in the less permissive 1960s. Neither of those things are helpful, because you are in awkward circumstances.
I think I want to separate friendship and romance here.
I was at school with two notable boys: John was the boy I adored and would have died for. I wanted his approval, friendship, love and phsyical contact. I wanted him so badly sexually I forgot to be his friend. He is not my friend today and was not then, not really.
Peter is a boy who was a wonderful firm friend. He is a friend today some 40 years after I saw him last. I truly loved Peter but was wholly uninterested in him sexually. The distance of years has let the love cease, but I am more than fond of him.
It is well to cultivate friends above all else. We need friends and they need us. If we are truly lucky one of thiose friends may be like we are, may also be adorable, and may return that friendship as somewhat more than friendship.
I am truly sorry for your mother's boyfriend's actions. He is not a gay man. He is a man who interferes with small boys. There is a great difference, as I am sure you know. A 12 year old child of either gender woudl have been just fine. You were handy, perhaps he even chased her to attempt to seduce you. I am sorry she did not believe you. This may be an old wound but talking it out and seeing it for what it is may be useful for you. Just be clear: You did everything in your power to prevent his advances and you are not a victim.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Chatrooms tend to mirror the real world. I think that is enough to explain the behaviour in there...  This place is more sheltered.
I agree with Timmy on romance vs friendship. Sometimes they can blur, sometimes quite painfully if it isn't mutual, but that too isn't a gay thing, it's a general thing.
As for the question posed: Is it ever easy, in general? But as for "without getting your brain smashed" - well, if you don't trust that not happening, I am not all too sure if you should. But general stuff is a)look, b)listen, c)think and process your findings.
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Sometimes i can be a bit numb in the brain. I just thought, Timmy, are you Iomfats??? If you are, thanks, the sights terrific. I been thinking about what everybody is saying. Im kinda sorting it all out. I know there are bad people out there, and there are some good guys to. A guy in a chat room gave me this web address and said it should help. Thanks for having it here.
I kinda know the difference between sex and friendship. Ive never been in love yet, or dont think I have. I have definately been in lust tho. I think I would rather have a friend first, He realy doesnt have to be gay, just someone who I can talk to and not have to cover up things.
I think it would be great to be in love. There is a guy i like a whole lot, b ut I dont dare say anything to him. The crowd he runs around with is not the ones Im with.
The thing with my mom isnt really a wound, its just cause she didnt believe me, I dont trust her knowing anything. I dont feel like I can go to her. The rest of the family sucks, sort of disfunctional.
Anyway, I think Im glad I came here, all of you so far have been terrific.
Please explain the registration thing. Do you have to fill out all the info or just what you want?
Thanks
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nobu
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Getting started |
Location: somewhere between north a...
Registered: June 2005
Messages: 16
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Love is important, but it'll come when you are ready but least expect it. I personally got the first bit, but don't trust myself with the second to temporarily stop looking ^_^. i'm 21, and tho never been in love, have been heavily infatuated with people.
Friendship helps (think i'm starting to sound like a broken record), they will help you through the tough times, the ones that stick around and are actually good for you. Best friends don't even have to be guys. Some gay guys get on better with girls. my "fag hag" (for lack of a better term) is my best friend's girlfriend, and at this point in my life, i talk more to her than to him (it changes as my male period comes and goes roflmao kidding!)
hope ya feel better, and merry Christmas to everyone *huggles*
P.S i'm cooking the turkey for the family tomoro....oh the responsiblity!!!
...eight priests!!! It looked impressive!
We Wrote Letters Every Day by The Fiery Furnaces
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Thanks nobu,
I realy dont have a best friend, not one i can tell certain things to, and nobody knows about my preference. I would be realy hurt or dead. I cant trust my mom, so thats out. If you knew my family you would understand. the best intelligence for them is DUH FOOTBALL. I have no shortage of girls to hang out with, they alwayus wind up wanting more than just to be friends. Which is strange cause they usually go for the jocks. Im too skinny to play football, too short to play basketball, I am just not the sports type. I guess things havent bothered me till this year, and not sure why now. Guess Ill work it out eventually, maybe with some help from the people here.
Thanks and marry Christmas
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I heard that you are from the "Bible Belt", which means that you are in the southern US.
I am an old geezer who has been around the block several times, and would be able to 'talk' to you as an older friend. My family has no clue as to my gay feelings, so there is some trepidation in admitting that to someone else who might read this who lives in North Alabama.
If you would like to talk about your mother and her boyfriend, and what he wants from you, give me a reply.
I have been where you are, and have gotten past the bad vibes of someone who wants to hurt - when what you need is understanding and a friend.
In the meantime - hold on to your self-esteem - there are many people who want to help you get past anything that hurts you either mentally, physically or sexually.
Yours Aye!
John
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I actually can't remember about the registration! Fill out as little as you want and see if it lets you register!
I understand about not being able to trust your mother. It seems a valid conclusion.
From her perspective you were "a silly jealous little boy making up stories about the man she was chasing in order to get rid of him". That has sometimes been the case, but the lover also has abused the kids.
You know he was a groper and potentially a nasty abuser. Has he gone?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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As you've probably worked out, sports are unimportant, though physical fitness is. Girls are odd things. The seem to gravitate to gay guys and inconsiderate jocks! Here they love Rugby players (broadly equivalent to armour plated football types)
I'm guessing here, but maybe all your firneds grew and you kind of didn't. Me too. I was the skinny kid who could not run to save his life. I found sports I enjoyed and got very fit. I did sailing and kayaking. Not that it attracted any boys, but it was fun.
Do not equate sports with heterosexuality, though. Plenty of jocks are gay.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Well, if you keep stuff bottled up inside, it will start to bother you, sooner or later. At least in my expirience. I don't think being gay is your main problem, being different from the crowd is. Of course, being gay adds to it, but being different in general isn't easy, if you find no friends and are alone. I was that way... and I sought my escape in books and on the net. But it does give you an advantage... knowing loneliness, knowing the value of friendship. The ordinary people seldom accomplish much... or so I like to think, anyway.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Brian, what he says makes sense, albeit from the little we know about you.
We are all different from all other people, of course, but we all, all humanity, try to fit in. Same trainers, same sk8board, same cars, same everything, because we feel we need to be accepted. And we DO need to be accepted, but absolutely not as another sheep.
Peter, my good friend, never fitted in, yet he was liked by many. he was a maverick, slightly weird. One day he brought a baby crow to school and it perched in his shoulder and crapped down his back a lot. We adored him for his honest differences.
John, the boy I salivated over, was a fitter in. And actually no-one much liked him. He was Norman No Friends. He was a sports god, life and sould of the party, but a loner in a way.
Sexuality gets in the way of friendship.
How to be a friend is easy, oddly. The recipe is easy to follow:- Choose the perosn you want to be friends with
- Talk to them about them
- Find out what interests them and be interested in their interest in it
- Do not fake an interest in the topic istelf, but be interested in them
- Never expect a thing from them
- Do not be a puppy dog
- choose someone else at the same time and start again at number 1
- repeat as often as it takes until you have a circle of friends
Rememebr it is never "Will you play with me?" like all little kids ask. It is "May I play with you?" "I would like to join in with you in whatever you are doing, if you will allow it".
Don't confine yourself to school. Think scouts, youth group, non team sport (a racquet sport maybe? Hiking?), choir, church group if church is your thing, theater group etc. Become relied on by people to be the one person who never lets them down.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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> Rememebr it is never "Will you play with me?" like all little kids ask. It is "May I play with you?" "I would like to join in with you in whatever you are doing, if you will allow it".
>
Timmy, thank you. I never realised this before... but it makes every sense.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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It is a very subtle thing. the "will you play with me" implies that YOU are important, and to them you are not.
"May I play with you" says "you are imporatnt and I will, for the present moment, hold you as my superior."
Thus you are allowed to join in rather than need to woo someone to join in with you. After you join in then the way it goes is up to all those "playing" because youare now "part of it"
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Thanks, takes a while to take in all the stuff here. If any of the jocks here are gay, nobody will ever know it. I kinda, well a lot small for my age. I like to swim and I like tennis, neither are played as a sport here.
I sure appriciate everything, Its not so bad knowing there are people to talk to.
Marry Christmas everybody and especially you Timmy
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Thanks John, it is ok to call you John?
Everybody here has been nice. That boyfriend is gone. Mom got ride of him a couple of years ago. Now its someone else and I keep my distance from him. He dont like me and I dont like him.
I hope you dont expose yourself to someone where you live that will cause you trouble. You live kinda close. Im surrounded by a lot of southern Baptist.
I hope we can become friends and I want to be friends with the others here. It realy helps not to be so alone.
Thanks
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jamacdaniel
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Getting started |
Registered: December 2005
Messages: 2
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Brian, you are never alone, now that you have asked for help. You have taken an important step in becoming free from the bigotry that surrounds us all. Each person who responded to your call for help is your new friend. I am your friend who is, as you said, closest to you in distance. Each and every one of the people, I'd like to call them 'men' (since they have responded to you as men), have cared enought to write their encouragement, and wish you well in overcoming your misfortunes.
Yes, you may call me 'John" since that is my name.
I want to caution you about the 'someone else' who has entered your life. I do not know who else in your family you can seek help from - aunts, uncles, grandparents - but if there is no one in your immediate family, then you MUST be very cautious in your dealings with your mother's current boyfriend. Do not give him a chance to attack you because he will attack you if you provoke him.
I am here 24/7 for you, and just a moment away (via email). If you need help, ask for it, and it shall be given.
Today is the birthday of Christ, who came in love to show us love. May His Peace be with you this day, and every day.
Yours Aye!
John
Yours Aye!
John
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Hey John, thanks for being so nice. Yeh the boyfriend she has now is a pain. I think he stinks ewwwwwwwwwwww. I usually go to my bedroom and lock the door till hes gone. Dont even know why my mom likes him. anyways, today is a special day and I should just leave things alone for a bit.
Hope you are having the best Christmas ever
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Trying out this registration thingy. ;-D
I believe in Karma....what you give is what you get returned........
Affirmation........Savage Garden
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