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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I have wondered about this very recently. I was genuinely homophobic. Actually that is a stupid word. It means "Fear of the same thing" not fear of homosexuals. I was homosexual-phobic.
I was afraid of homosexual men.
As a teenager I was afraid of being propositioned by anyone. Well anyone except those I wanted to proposition myself. They were universally only marginally older than me to about 4 years younger. But those I did not lust after were completely unacceptable. The idea was revolting and I was vehemently not interested.
As a young adult the very thought of homosexuality repulsed me. This was not a sexual thing. Gay sex was neither to be desired nor feared. I think it was "queers", "poofs", "Nancy boys" and the horrible way my father used the words that made me view it with disgust.
This is, now, quite hard to reconcile with the fact that I am quite simply "queer", or "One of them"!
As a student I was propostioned on a station platform. Oddly it was my mother who reminded me of this. I was appalled, disgusted and afraid.
At the ripe old age of 28 I shared a room like so many of us did who worked as computer salesmen with a male and very gay colleague at a trade show in the hotel by the business centre. Room sharing was company policy. He was actually not bad looking. I was afraid of him. I did not fear that he was after my body, nor that he wanted to seduce me in any way at all. I was simply afraid of "him", or of homosexuality, perhaps.
It strikes me that I have been afraid of homosexuality all my life until 1998 when I first made contact with outher homosexual men online and started to be able to get free of the odd terrors that my life up to that poiont had been built around.
I know what it feels like, I think, to be so afraid of homosexuality that I would consider lashing out physically at a homosexual man. The whole subject creeped me out so thoroughly I was ready for "fight or flight" when "near one".
And all through this period I was deeply, appallingly obsessed with my love and total sexual desire for John primarily and desife for prettty muchy any really cute young man I saw. And I knew precisley what sexual acts I wanted to perform and fantasised about them. Trust me, this was full on gay fantasy!
I am half posting this to see what you all think, and the other half is posting it to let others with the same terror of homosexuality while being homosexual feel less alone. Yup, there is another angst ridden guy out there too!
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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You arent afrade of homosexuals, you are afrade of yourself, of what you actually are.
Self actuaction to your true orientation only serves to amplify these feelings which you so vehemenitly repressed theough abhorant reactions to others of like kind.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I agree. I have always been afraid of myself. And I am told that I have changed as I learnt to start accepting myself.
I am no longer afraid of homosexuality. I am still afraid of myself, but not so much. I am most comfy in the presence of happy women and homosexual men.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Afraid of gays.. Im terrified of my moms boy friends. One of them thinks I would be really cute in a dress. Thats scarry.
I have heard that guys that were really really homophobic are actually afraid of what they see in themselves.
There was a study done. They took well known really homophobic guys.. put sensors on there crotch and showed them gay porno movies. Every one of them got an errection. And these guys were violently homophobic. hummmm makes you wonder
I believe in Karma....what you give is what you get returned........
Affirmation........Savage Garden
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Brian1407a wrote:
> Afraid of gays.. Im terrified of my moms boy friends. One of them thinks I would be really cute in a dress. Thats scarry.
It is more than scary. Even if he is teasing it rather makes you wonder what is going on in his mind
>
> I have heard that guys that were really really homophobic are actually afraid of what they see in themselves.
I imagine that was the cause of it for me. There were veryu odd things ion separate compartments for me. One was a fear of homosexual men and the other was a wholly separate lomnging for a true and committed homosexual relationship
>
> There was a study done. They took well known really homophobic guys.. put sensors on there crotch and showed them gay porno movies. Every one of them got an errection. And these guys were violently homophobic. hummmm makes you wonder
That study shows simply that the human male responds to seeing other human males naked and aroused in a sexual arena. If you think of your first time naked in front of other guys it was an odd and perhaps erotic experience. An erection is like a yawn. One gets them so do all.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Timmy,
At school, I wasn't so much terrified of gay people, but I was terrified of being "gay"; I don't think I had enough strength of character to realise (a) that there was nothing really wrong with it, and (b) that if I had ever let myself come out, even a little, I would probably have been respected for it. The gay people I came across (almost to my surprise) were perfectly ordinary and intelligent, though unfortunately a few also used their sexuality as an attention-seeking device; and the last thing I wanted to do was for that to be thought of as a motive for "coming out".
I suspect I came over at first (at 13 or 14) as being a bit homophobic - as in, frightened of "being gay"; it's not really surprising when one is trying to cover up one's own desires that one ends up pretending to think the opposite, but I'm certainly not proud of it. (Usually it was related to the act of gay sex. I do still have quite a lot of misgivings over sex; but, as we all know, that is entirely different from love -- I wish I had had a chance to differenciate them in my mind at a much earlier age, as it would have made me a great deal happier.) Before I left (at 18) I came out to a few people (though it was such a low key affair, dropped into the middle of relevant conversations, that they may well not even remember it now) -- though maybe I ought to have tried harder (I remember posting here fairly recently after I came out to an old friend, who had thought I was homophobic because of my silly comments in the early days).
Something I have been wondering these last few days -- I wonder if anyone can share some insight?
Has anyone ever done a study into whether an all-boys school makes a larger number of people "gay" (and I know the word "makes" may cause a few people problems; what I mean here is perhaps "prompts a larger number of people to go on to adopt a gay lifestyle") than a mixed environment? Does it make people more open to the possibility of a gay relationship; or conversely, does it make people more paranoid and homophobic? Or is it all too dependent on society's perceptions (for example, witness Timmy's experiences versus mine -- the same country, people from similar backgrounds, the same type of schools, but separated by several decades).
I know there's a long-running tradition that English public schools are hotbeds of homosexuality (largely untrue, of course, but in some ways it holds) -- but it's also the case that when people leave school, the "slate is wiped clean" and many people go on to live perfectly "normal" (and by "normal", I mean heterosexual - note the inverted commas) lives.
David
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Deeej
I read a lot, lol I saw a thing from BYU in Salt Lake that said the insidnece of Homosexuality in Mormons was 40% hugher than the nattonal average. Also that the boys they send out to pester people at supper time, are housed in pairs, they are not alowed contact with females. The incidence of Homosexuality, I believe they said, was 20%.
They also said that they thought the reason might be because the Mormons strickly forbid Homosexuality.
Not sure this is what you were talking about but an interesting study.
I believe in Karma....what you give is what you get returned........
Affirmation........Savage Garden
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I have heard it said (and this does not make it a fact) that prior to polygamy being made unacceptable (which was by the IRS, not the Mormon church) that homosexuality was not unacceptable for Mormon male youth.
This was said to be because there were insufficient girls.
It is said to have taked severl generations for the Mormons to come out firmly against homosexuality because of this.
I do not present this as truth. Rather I present it as an interesting interpretation of what other people think. Perhaps an LDS member here could do some research on the matter and let us know?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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cossie
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On fire! |
Location: Exiled in North East Engl...
Registered: July 2003
Messages: 1699
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Deeej, this is an interesting suggestion. I'm not going to quarrel with your use of the word 'make'; we all know what you mean. I've never heard of any formal study on the subject, but it's something I've thought about many times over the years.
I discovered my gay persona in my own rural backwater at around 11, having discovered my hetero personal somewhat earlier. I attended an all-male grammar school, and - having established my gay inclinations - I got involved with any group that offered potential, such as the school Scout group. I don't propose to provide my teenage life history, but unlike Tim I did have quite a number of sexual relationships, some purely sexual, others more romantic. I've stayed in touch - albeit on a pretty casual basis - with a fair number of past sexual partners, and have thus had a chance to see how their lives developed.
Based upon that experience, I would tentatively put forward this thesis:
An all-male environment - especially in situations which offer a degree of privacy from adult supervision - certainly does increase the incidence of homosexual activity among young males. This includes those who are basically heterosexual but just plain horny, though most members of this group will ultimately revert to a wholly heterosexual lifestyle. The group most profoundly affected by such experiences comprises those who have gay inclinations which might never have consciously emerged in a mixed-sex environment. Once triggered, those inclinations are rarely fully suppressed. A few of my former schoolmates seem to have realised that they were truly gay and have adjusted their lifestyle accordingly. A rather larger group - which, I suppose, includes myself - has chosen a more conventional lifestyle, but have remained - at the very least - gay friendly. In any event, it seems impossible to engage in a conversation without including affectionate references to mutual sexual experiences!
What I find most reassuring is the fact that not one of those with whom I have stayed in touch has suggested that he was in any way damaged by his experiences.
Any other views?
For a' that an' a' that,
It's comin' yet for a' that,
That man tae man, the worrld o'er
Shall brithers be, for a' that.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Probably the answer is that an all male environment leads to amorous behaviour and erotic behaviour between males precisley because there is no other outlet.
However, after the environment is left, the natural state of each player reasserts itself.
A confusing mask is those of us who appear to be totally heterosexual in our daily lives. A diffferemnt confusion is those who appeared to be totally homosexual at school, but are not now.
Who wore which mask when?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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I went to a co-ed grade school and blossomed right about the time of my 11th birthday. In that venue there was a fair amount of cat and mouse play. There was pleanty of fodder to gnaw on to say the lease.
When I entered high school I was outed not soon after the begining of the fall term and the havoc that ruled my life for the better part of an entire year held firmly.
Once that fiasco was resolved I was refused readmission into my hometown school and placed into an all boy (go figure) boarding school.
Because of the common knowledge of my being gay I was affordede a private room which was fine with me.
The public atmosphere in class and other areas of the school was entirely hostile toward my presence on any level. Abuse of the most subtle kind was heaped upon me at every turn from the student body as well as the administration.
In private however it was a different story, there was a never-ending line of willing participants in all sorts of playtime activities and I did my level headed best to accomodate.
The funny thing was that there was an ample supply of girls in the area. The open campus of the school was smack dab in the center of a mid-sized seaside town of about 15,000. There was always opportunity for them to find a date but there was also always someone coming a-knocking on my door.
I guess the old saying has some merit after all......
The mouse will run into whatever hole is at hand.......
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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I grew up afraid of many things. But why? 
