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In many levels, actually. Feels like nothing's working...
Not much happening here, and my ISP seems to be having 'issues' right now. About 70% of the sites I try to reach time out instead. That includes my hotmail account so I can't check it for the seventh time today to make sure the inbox is still empty... Sigh.
Told Tim the other day I chatted a bit with a guy on a gay chat a couple days ago. Lives in the same town as me, he seemed nice. I gave him my email address, coz he had to work and didn't have the time. He sent me a mail with two pix of himself, I wrote a reply and included two of me. Nothing since.
Dammit, I JUST HATE THAT! At least he could have said 'thanks but no thanks', but just plain nothing?!? That's just so fucking rude, esp since he did seem like a nice guy. What kind of person takes the time to send you pictures, but not reply back? ...It just gets to me an awful lot, can't help it.
Okay, maybe I should give him the benefit of a doubt, but it's been over two days now. NEVER GET MY HOPES UP! NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVEREVER NEVEREVER NEVEREVER NEVER NEVER NEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVER EVER!
It all just ends in disappointment. Oh fuck it...
Ah, there I did manage to get to my inbox. Yup, still empty of course. Why do I bother? I should just go to bed and sleep instead. At least that makes time pass. ...But of course my lingering cough decided to give me a break this past night, so I couldn't do it without feeling bad for it, I really did sleep rather well actually.
Maybe go out for a walk instead, but that also feels pointless. Why is it just about all I do turn out like shit anyway? Can't I be allowed to feel the least bit good about myself?
Exposing myself to the risk of success, am I? More like exposing me to the risk of getting kicked in my balls. Repeatedly.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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Hi Lenny,
You need to take risks in life to get ahead. Your problem is that you have trouble dealing with negative results. Understandable, given your situation I might add. We all have ups and downs. I know it seams that you are having too many downs and not enough ups, but you have to keep trying. The ups do eventually start coming.
As your for internet contact, I would give him until tomorrow and then send him another email. Ask him what he thought of your picture. If does not fancy you, you may as well know for sure. We can't all except the world to be turned on by our looks. There are a few drop-dead-gorgeous guys, but the most of us are just average.
If you would rather keep him as a friend, then don't mention the picture. Start another subject in your email, like "did you hear about this .... ?".
I am not love doctor, but I would not give up yet.
Cheers,
Darren
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tom
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Toe is in the water |
Location: Derby, UK
Registered: March 2002
Messages: 47
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Calm it matey! Give him time to reply- not everybody checks their emails all the time- he may not have been expecting a reply so quickly. Give him some time. When we chatted the other say you said he took things slowly. He still is doing.
Go and get yourself some ice cream. Don't do what I do and keep refreshing your inbox or glancing at your phone to see if you have a message.
T
Nothin' to see here, officer.
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What's there to say that I haven't already said? I hate repeating myself, it makes me sound like I'm whining.
Still feeling bored, still feeling incredibly lonely. Don't know what to do to fix it. I sit here right now, listening to music. Current tune's named "Everloving" (Hi Tom!  ), ironically enough. I'm going to the gym again today, it's the only thing I'm looking forward to right now.
Hope to hit the eight-zero mark soon. Real soon. I'll be able to go back to the swimming arena then without feeling like a beached whale. Maybe I'll buy myself a new pair of nice and tight speedos then. Black ones. Always had blue before, not too keen on blue anymore.
And I need to re-login too, seems the board sets the password cookie to auto-expire every two weeks or so. Oh well, at least that's not too difficult a task!
And I should get my ID card ASAP, and a new passport. Old one expired last year (!)... Was hoping my father would stop by after arriving back from New Zeeland (he supposedly landed yesterday at ten-ish in the evening, but he didn't call me and say he had. I was expecting/hoping he would, he usually tries to keep in touch). If he went straight home yesterday he won't be able to help me like I sort of had planned. I also wanted to tell him about my name-changing plans, but I guess all of that is on hold right now. It's soon twelve now, and if he stayed over at an acquaintance's place outside town where I live, he's likely on the way back up north now. He isn't the type to sleep in.
His mobile's turned off too, so I can't reach him, and nobody's anwering at my parents place either. At least I can be certain nothing bad has happened to him, because if that was the case, my "mother" would call me in an instant lamenting the fact. She isn't happy in her marriage to my "father", but she's depending on him to take care of her, financially and otherwise too to some extent. Her worries are of purely selfish reasons, that's my firm belief.
Wednesday, I'm having dinner with my doctor friend and wife. I'll probably tell them too about my name-changing then. Not sure when I'll actually DO it though (I've hit a financial snag AGAIN). I worry a little, because my friend has a habit of wise-cracking (he doesn't mean any harm by it, but I'm terribly sensitive) and I'll have to strongly caution him beforehand to NOT say anything that could even remotely be interpreted as a joke about the subject. Not sure if I'll say anything about my sexual orientation or not. Maybe I will, after probing the waters a bit first.
Still no email from the guy. Knew it would have been too good to be true...
Yes, everything's a mess right now, thanks for asking.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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tom
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Toe is in the water |
Location: Derby, UK
Registered: March 2002
Messages: 47
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You'll be OK. You might be sensitive, but you're a survivor.
Nothin' to see here, officer.
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You people.
I have to trust someone...
I started this after all, writing about myself, taking some steps forwards, the occational hop backwards. In many ways feel like I've been standing still since then, in some, I have moved ahead a little I think. Not much, not enough.
But I don't think I can get much farther by hiding quite so much. I had a friend take some photos of me, unfortunately the film was nuked with gamma-rays by the charming people at the airport security checkpoint when my friend came back from his trip to Budapest, which made the photos a little bit overexposed.
Anyway, in case any of you are interested in what I look like, send me an email and I'll mail a pic back to you (about 80 kilobytes). Reciprocation not mandatory of course, but appreciated...
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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No Message Body
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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You mean the "Who I can trust"? Yes, read it. I think I understand, and I too trust the folks I know here, of course there are probably unknown lurkers.
I'd be honored if you'd send me your pic - it would help me relate to you a bit, I suppose, and feel like I'd know you a bit better, but I didn't ask since I don't feel I can reciprocate, and I'm really sorry for that. My wife would truly not understand and I don't feel like I can come out of the closet at all until my boys are a bit older. So, my Irregulars photos are the best I feel like I can do right now.
Your READ ABOVE sounded like a call to action, but I don't understand the requested action - hence (or is it thus?) my subject line.
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I just didn't want anyone to miss it by mistake, that's all.
And like I said, reciprocation is NOT neccessary at all. Just because I feel like sharing doesn't mean you (or anyone else) have to.
So no worries there, friend...!
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Things are all screwy right now. 
Who I can trust. (Not a question!) 
No, the truth is maybe TOO simple. 
