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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Here's some letters to newspapers that didn’t get printed. . .
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John
'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge, He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds
It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a belt. Paul Mulraney, Belfast
On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to Reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '*unt'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family? Noel, Leeds
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing Board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this? Alun Daniel
I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both. Alan Thakray
Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
Alan J., London
Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits Climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars. T Barnham, London
COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on that muslim cleric, Abu Hamsa. Les Barnsley
HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's footbal match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it Just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Mike Woods, e-mail
With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces Soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, Email
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters.
I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond
I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, But isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? Dave Owen, Edinburgh
I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death.
But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths. Tripod
I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad Is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. Thomas J.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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To elaborate, I was wondering where these sort of jokes originate. They are obviously all tongue in cheek and undoubtedly witty, but were they
- gleaned by someone from lots of different newspapers and/or web sites? (sounds unlikely considering you start off by saying that they weren't printed by newspapers)
- entirely made up by a single person or group of people?
- did they actually occur to lots of independent "real people"? In that case, who compiled their ideas, and how did they get access to them?
- or were they adapted by someone from a set of pre-existing jokes?
I know, I know. I'm being pedantic. But I would honestly be interested to know where these collections originate. Did you receive it in a chain letter?
David
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I got it from a mate in Hull. No idea of the source.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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QUOTE: ""The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail"" UNQUOTE
Timmy, that really isn't a funny subject.
So why did I nearly wet myself?
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Gallows humour is very "self preserving"
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Minge????????????????????
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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