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When two people make a commitment with each other to be boyfriend/boyfriend, or any other combo. Does that commitment make them exclusive with one another, or are they free to play around all they want. This has actually come up recently with someone I know.
I believe in Karma....what you give is what you get returned........
Affirmation........Savage Garden
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Everyone you ask has a different answer. The real answer is that commitment is what it means to the pair who have committed to each other.
Monogamy while committed is usual
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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There are times when a commitment made once feels imposisble, though. Those times are when one does not appear to honour the commitment made to the other. This often manifests itself as not "sex outside the partnership", but lack of sex within the partnership.
While sex is not the be all and end all of a committed partnership is is also important. When it remains inportant to one partner but seems wholly unimportant to the other, what then? The partnership os not over, but parts of it are. What then?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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cossie
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On fire! |
Location: Exiled in North East Engl...
Registered: July 2003
Messages: 1699
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As Timmy says, everyone has his (or her!) own idea, so I can only say what it means to me.
Most people - both male and female - have relationships with several partners before settling down with a life companion; some, of course, never settle down! Some of these relationships are very brief and may not involve sex at all, some last longer but remain pretty casual, some become deeper and reach the point where commitment becomes important, and with luck you finally find the relationship you hope to maintain for the rest of your life.
In the first two kinds of relationship commitment is not really part of the deal. In the fourth kind, there has to be a very strong sense of commitment if the relationship is to survive, and that would involve honesty between the partners, with each respecting the feelings of the other. That doesn't mean that there can be no sex outside the realationship, but it should only happen if both partners are entirely comfortable with it, and it will generally involve both partners acting together with a third or (insert the ordinal number of your choice!) party.
The normal boyfriend/boyfriend (or b/g, or g/g) relationship is a close encounter (groan!) of the third kind mentioned above. You haven't reached the point of considering lifetime commitment, but you do want the relationship to continue; on the other hand you may well feel an occasional attraction to someone else. It would be unrealistic to expect an absolute commitment in these circumstances, but if the relationship is a true friendship as well as a sexual relationship I'd say that mutual honesty would be essential.
Of course, all of this assumes that both partners feel the same about each other; the hard part is that this often does't happen in real life. Alan is pretty well besotted by Billy, whilst Billy just likes having sex with Alan. Chris wants to spend his life with Donnie, but Donnie - though he really likes Chris - isn't ready to tie himself down. You can go through the rest of the alphabet of boys' names without my help!
There are more questions than answers! My personal view is that lies are damaging to any relationship - even the first kind. Partners should talk to each other, and be honest about their feelings. A good relationship should be able to survive the occasional surrender to temptation, but when Yorick messes around in the full knowledge that what he is doing would really hurt Zachary (OK, the name thing gets harder at the end of the alphapet!), then - realistically - that relationship isn't going to survive, and the sooner Zack finds out and gives Yorick the boot, the better! As regards sex outside of a relationship of the third kind, I suppose it's possible for both partners to be happy about this, but in the nature of things it would be unusual. Peter is in a relationship with Quentin (I always try to mind my P's and Q's) and Quentin strongly argues for the freedom to have sex with others. If Peter is genuinely happy with this, fine - but if he has hopes of the relationship developing further, he should realise that there is a high probability that Quentin will continue to play the field in the future; now might be a good time to look elsewhere.
Does this make sense?
For a' that an' a' that,
It's comin' yet for a' that,
That man tae man, the worrld o'er
Shall brithers be, for a' that.
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