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Yes, here I am again, back at the beginning.
Back to my roots...
Like the first such thread I made, reading is strictly optional. In fact, I don't think you should read this at all. If you consider yourself my friend, do me a favor and don't look at this because I scare even myself. And don't post any reples either.
So once again, all hope abandon, ye who so foolishly choose to enter here.
I am deluding myself.
I think things change for me, but nothing ever does, not REALLY.
Not for me. Other people can change, I know that. But that is not how my life was intended. I'm supposed to wither away alone, crushed under an ever-growing mountain of self-pity.
I trashed my clock-radio just now. I tore the electric cord from the wall socket and used it to swing the clock at the floor, it turned into plastic shrapnel and some bits of twisted metal and circuit-board. Then I sat on my bed and cried pitiously for a little while before deciding that the noises I made annoyed me, and that I didn't like it when my nose clogged up. However, the clock-radio wasn't enough. I have a hammer sitting right next to me. I want to grab it and systematically reduce everything in my apartement to junk with it while screaming incoherently at the top of my lungs.
Not exactly sure why I don't do it. I REALLY REALLY want to!
It's a good hammer. Heavy, sturdy. It's not mine. It belongs to the ex-friend I had to say goodbye to because he didn't give enough of a rat's arse in fifteen months to tell me he moved entirely out of the country. I have a nice cable-cutter here too that is also his. Can't do much damage with that one though.
It feels like I'm cracking up from the inside. Like the stitches that keeps me together are getting torn asunder by a pressure that's been building for some twenty-three years or possibly more.
I really don't feel well at all right now.
Was supposed to go up north just over the day to visit my adoptive father and get some things fixed. It would have been a terrible bother, a 400km round-trip just for a few errands is no fun at all. But that's off now. My London trip's off too. Can't think of it right now, can't plan it, can't do anything. It just adds a moment of stress to my life which I cannot handle. And my passport's out of date too. Not sure I need it or not, but I use that as another poor excuse.
What the fuck would I have done there anyway? I haven't got the faintest idea. Anything I can think of would just have been a variation of what I do here at home, which is basically nothing, with the exception I'd be in a bigger city with even more people in it that I don't know.
It's all hopeless. I see nothing to brighten up my life, only missed opportunities, missed chances, missed moments. Lost seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years and decades. Thirty years of NOTHING that matters the slightest in the end! I have ZERO to show up as an accomplishment. I cannot feel truly fulfilled about anything I've done. The small victories I've managed pale so badly in relation to the enormous, gigantic failures I've suffered through. It's a terrible feeling, it makes me feel totally worthless.
I've said it before I don't take rejection well. I've been rejected four times recently, not directly, but by being ignored. How the hell am I supposed to find a person to love, I can't even get people to send me a fucking email for chrissakes! I get so angry when I think about it! I try to be pleasant and charming and the conversation is going really well I think, and in the end nobody cares about me!!!
The only company I got is a black befuddled fly trapped between two panes of glass in one of my windows. Poor fuck's wasting away in there, just like me. It's just that my prison is slightly larger, it's just as barren and un-nourishing however.
It's as bad as me now as it's ever been. Worse, I think.
I see NO hope, I hate everything, and I just want it all to end.
I hate my old classmates, I hate my "parents", I hate my friends, I hate my life, I hate myself, and I just want it all to end.
Emotions:
I am breaking apart, there is no stopping it.
I have been dying for years, even if I have not known it.
I cannot take this much longer, this never-ending nightmare.
I wish my life would have been different, then I'd have a chance.
I do not know how how all this will end, I have long since lost all hope.
I keep wishing for salvation, knowing there is no relief for me anywhere in this world.
I feel myself growing ever more brittle, ever more fragile: the slightest shock will break me apart.
I am breaking apart. There is no stopping it.
-Lenny,
Feb. 17, 7.03 P.M.
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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tom
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Toe is in the water |
Location: Derby, UK
Registered: March 2002
Messages: 47
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Most of what you're describing in what I feel every day, with a few more things to boot.
But get this: I CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO MY FRIENDS, AND YOU RANK FAIRLY HIGHLY AMONG THEM. Don't you DARE think that we, here, do not care about you. You are getting depressed because you think nobody cares. You're so convinced there's something wrong with you that you're losing touch of what people do like about you, and that's a real tragedy.
Every damn day at school I go out into the world, and because I can't let people know the real me because of the twisted boarding school ethos I feel like I'm lying to everybody I meet! Even if I just smile! And every time I say something or try to help in some way I just get kicked in the teeth. And to top it off, the one person who I do want to be with more than anyone else cannot know about it at any cost!
You're looking for love, right? Maybe you're looking in the wrong places. Love isn't something you buy with your groceries at the supermarket, it's something that happens. It's not a matter of actively going out and finding it becuase if you do that, likelyhood is you're doing it wrong.
Find something you believe in. Set yourself a goal, like a promotion, or enough money to treat yourself. The only way I can stop myself from reaching out to the guy I love is to keep myself busy with other things.
I don't mean to have a go at you, but I found that I was getting very down over James because I wasn't willing to do anything about it and make a move, and I was thinking about it all the more because I was watching how he reacted, hoping for a reaction so much I forgot to add a catalyst. My point is, maybe you have the same mentality as me.
And I don't think you hate everything as much as you put out, either. If you hated your friends so much, you wouldn't be here, posting your thoughts for us to reply to.
Tom
Nothin' to see here, officer.
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but whatever it is, don't do it again. You have changed, and for the better. Rather than sitting and holding that hammer in your hand, go out and take a run, shifting that hammer from hand to hand. If necessary, run until you are exhausted. Then take a very hot shower, wrap yourself in a warm robe, and sit down with a cup of your favorite hot beverage and think about all the friends you have made since you started coming here.
Hugs, Charlie
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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Lenny,
It seams that you have done something very drastic. Anger is a very nasty mood--especially when you are alone. However, we all need to vent sometimes. I guess for you it is on your clock radio. The crying is very good though. I have cried many times recently and each time it made me feel so much better.
It is very sad for me to say this, but love can only come after you are happy with yourself. You are not there yet. It seams like you were doing so well until now. However, I think you are at a low point now and things can only get better. I am not sure what the insurance in your country is like, but would it be possible for you to see a therapist. I think that you could really benefit from someone like that.
For now, morning will soon arrive in your part of the world. It will be Friday, so go out. Try and spend as much time as possible out of your appartment. Go read a book in the library, go for a long walk in a park, go to a concert in the city, get out of your appartment. I believe spending so much time there alone is much of your problem.
Remember, we are there for you.
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Honestly, although it was hard because you have to open it to post a reply. You know we care about you and will (mostly) be happy to read whatever you post. I do hope you were just venting and needed to purge some thoughts - which is good!
* H U G * Thanks, I needed that, even if you didn't.
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mihangel
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Likes it here |
Location: UK
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 192
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... one at the very least. You said "I have ZERO to show up as an accomplishment." But as I've told you in private and will now repeat in public, you've got your writing, and it's marvellous stuff. It makes people laugh, and cry, and think. That's no mean achievement. And as you're being modest about that to the point of invisibility, I'm less ready to believe you've accomplished nothing else.
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Where's the indifference emoticon when you need it? Sigh! 
So I wasn't going to post anything for a day and I still did. And now I do it again. But this is IT for today. (Just fifteen minutes left of today (in this timezone anyway) so theoretically I could just hang around a bit and wait 'til tomorrow, but I won't stay up late. Feel tired.)
Spent much of the day out of the apartement today. Went to the swimming arena with my new body. Wasn't going to go there until I felt I was "finished", but I didn't want to sit at home all day either. Spent a couple hours there, swam just a little (first time in six or seven years), technique is still there for the most part, but my awful cotton shorts totally bogs me down and creates horrific drag. I managed just a few hundred meters.
Didn't see many hot guys at all unfortunately.
Went home at five-ish so I wouldn't miss my daily walk. Filled my backpack with two-litre coke bottles for extra weight and set out. Backpack chafed a bit, but I managed just fine of course.
Evening, I had decided to actually go out and party. I know a bar which has a gay night every friday, I was going to go there for the first time ever. I dress up by putting on a pair of really tight pair of washed-out blue jeans (they hearken back to the early nineties I think, and they actually fit me now even though it was just barely; waist and belly isn't quite trim yet). Anyway, they made my legs and ass look truly fab I must say (and when these jeans fits me like a glove, I know for sure I'm "done"). And my newest shirt too, and I was going to put up my hair in a ponytail but it was too much of a bother so I just let it be as it was and combed it out instead. Had some cologne I was going to try too (free sample I got at the gym) but I forgot.
So, what do I get for all this fuss? A big fat nuttin'! The bar was closed to the public this evening! Aargh!
So I end up at a café instead where I drink a barely warm cup of expensive hot chocolate and chomp down an overpriced turkey, onion, tomato, lettuce, barbecue sauce bagel. Alone of course.
Isn't it ironic?
Well, at least it didn't RAIN... And I got some more walking done too. But it was still a fairly crappy evening. Oh well, there are more fridays, and I'm going to ask around where one can meet other guys too, and I will get the chance to slim down some more this way too. Sigh, there is an old saying in my country that goes something like, "there's no evil that doesn't bring at least some good along with it". I'd like to smack the unknown person who coined it since it actually manages to fit reality in a bizarre kind of way, but he's long dead now.
Tomorrow's gym day. I'll probably start lifting weights then.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Sounds like you tried, didn't really lose anything, and are willing to try again - sounds good to me.
Sorry about my reply above - the title was supposed to be something like "I didn't read it - really" but I wrote it at about 3 AM after only a few restless hours of sleep and couldn't operate the computer. Same for my other posts and e-mails - pretty crappy. I won't attempt that again soon!
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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Went to 3 gay bars, two of which were CLOSED.
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Sorry, this is probably off the original topic, but I never read it! Sorry to junk up your thread, Lenny, but I'm curious as hell. I can see meeting your old net buddies, that sounds fun and "innocent", but why go to gay bars?
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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Interesting question. but the answer is mundane!
I went to the first with Justin Case, who remmebered it of old and wanted to show me. And after an hours drive we found it twenty minutes away, and closed.
I almost went to the second, the gay club in Marc and kevy's city, but it was shut. We were going to have a night out!
The thirs was Roscoe's in Chicago's Boystown with Comicality. Open and delightful and not what I'd anticipated at all, and nor had he. A first for each of us that night
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You're filling up my anger and venting thread with trivialities!
Quite frankly, I find it disrespectful!
I quite clearly remember saying I'd prefer no replies at all, and you still go ahead and post this bullshit?
Yes I'm angry, GOD-DAMMIT!
I've just been forced to suffer through a half-hour with my drunken 42-year-old semi-neighbor (whom I've helped on a couple occations with his computer) who's getting evicted because he's apparantly been causing too much noise. In some part due to fights with his 11-year-old son who suffers from some kind of hyperactivity syndrome, and in some part probably due to the company he keeps because of his alcohol problem (but this is just a guess on my part). How fun, on a scale from 1-10, do you think it is for ME to hear this guy explain in a drunken rambling manner, what a great guy he thinks I am, how his mother got raped and murdered when he was 21, hear what a great guy I am, him showing off all the scars he got (one being from a self-inflicted knife-stabbing "when I was crazy"), him telling me what a great guy I am followed by a small detour mentioning his drug abuse etc etc etc.
I had to agree to visiting him for dinner that he's going to cook for me, just to please the guy and hopefully get rid of him. And I don't even like him, but he thinks I'm a great guy so I felt compelled to agree. I also had to loan him a PCI graphics card too that he could play with just because he was bored and he was hoping it would be better than the ones he got. I told him that wasn't really the case, but he was drunk and would not be convinced otherwise. Hope he doesn't break it, it's my emergency GFX card.
I feel a little sorry for him, his life seems to have been difficult, but I feel more sorry for his son (who is a pretty boy with short brown hair), who most likely isn't getting the love and attention he needs and deserves. Always when I see the two together either at home or outside, he's short with the kid. I very much fear the boy will turn out much like his father, but what can I do?
So now I sit here and worry about that too on top of everything else I got to worry about... Fuck!
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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quietly, gently and positively. Or is that "negatively"?
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I agreed in good faith, even though it was under duress so to speak. And he sees me as a friend, I can't back out for that reason alone.
The guy's not a bad person. He's just not MY friend, he's just a guy in my eyes. So I'll go, and hope he knows how to cook.
Only possible excuse I could use with a clean conscience would be if he was drunk when I show up for dinner, but I don't think that'll happen.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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Go with a good heart and be HIS friend even if he isn't yours.
I mean, really, that you have the right to say "no" quietly and politely to anyone you choose
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I just found this site and here is my 2 cents worth. We need to remember the story about being able to enter a stream.
"Can you go into the same stream twice?" The answer is NO! the reason is this. The water is always moveing by and the water is always changeing so it is never the same stream, also you change, every cell in your body is renewed every seven(+/-) years but at different times for each type/cell so, you are not the same and therefore you can not go into the stream again. What does this MEAN?\
That all things change and while we may not like or even hate this time or this place or even yourself at this time, we also change and the place WILL change !The ONLY thing that does not change is that things change, we just have to wait long enough to meet the change, we must reconize that we will change! We must never do anything that would stop the chance we have to change, and meet the change in the would around us.
For what it's worth. Gene
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It's probably a good thing to keep a positive outlook like you do in your post. It's not always possible, because even if one's cells might be replaced in seven year's time (apart from the nervous system I guess), memories and feelings still remain. But in some situations, positive thinking can have an effect I suppose.
So the gesture is appreciated. And, it is always nice to see a new face, hope you keep contributing to the board!
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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The dark place that is me (3) 
You have got us all very worried 
You've at least one thing to be proud of ... 
Re: Hahaha, this is so funny... (Not!) 
Nnnnhhhrrrgg!!! 
Re: The dark place that is me (3) 
