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I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
It's not who you know, it's whom you know.
There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.
Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.
Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.
I had amnesia once - maybe twice.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Gun Control: Use both hands.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Man cannot live by bread alone, unless he's locked in a cage and that's all you feed him.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case.
Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.
I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
Death to all fanatics!
Smokers are just like everybody else. Just not as long.
Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.
When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.
I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing
Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.
I'd like to leave this world like I came into it; screaming, naked and covered in someone else's blood.
I couldn't care less about apathy.
I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
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cossie
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On fire! |
Location: Exiled in North East Engl...
Registered: July 2003
Messages: 1699
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... 'Change is inevitable except from vending machines.'
That's Twentyfirst Century life summarised in just seven words!
Thanks for the laughs, Nick!
For a' that an' a' that,
It's comin' yet for a' that,
That man tae man, the worrld o'er
Shall brithers be, for a' that.
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