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pimple
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Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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is to emulsify it! It's been a week, and already I can see that the oil and water of who I am are separating into the warring camps that have always been.
Is it really impossible to teach an old dog... Actually, I know the tricks, I just get bogged down in the practice, perhaps if there really were rewards.
Simon
Joy Peace and Tranquility
Joyceility
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Simon,
I am a bit confused....
Can you explain what you mean here please?
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Ditto.
If you need any advice, there are people here who have been in just about every situation under the sun. But that post is a bit cryptic, so I'm not sure anyone else will be able to advise on that alone.
Best regards,
David
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pimple
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Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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and I vowed to make changes, lots of changes. Some medical, some physical, but mostly mental.
I never have made New Year's resolutions, and the thought of giving anything up for lent (if I were Catholic) is another of those things that make me laugh that I mentioned in my post. (that got only one reply) We all know the odds on followthrough.
I'm a fairly normal guy, and I doubt that I, under normal circumstances, post questions on friendship & love as my intro to a board, but that is what is plaguing me since I gave up sleeping and eating.
My chances are 'good' but I'm not sure I care.
Evaporation is a state of mind
Disappearing an art sublime
Obfuscation is the state religion of my soul
Having lived a life in a 'no wake zone'
is a rooster-tail allowed?
Joy Peace and Tranquility
Joyceility
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I know this is a rather blunt question, but what do you have to live for?
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pimple
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Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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One of the things I vowed was never to mention it here - fell right down on that too.
Joy Peace and Tranquility
Joyceility
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pimple
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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I'm working on a list.
You got a grain of rice I might borrow?
Joy Peace and Tranquility
Joyceility
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Simon,
It's up to you how much you reveal here. Everyone has their own demons, and there's a high probability that at least some of the people here will have been in exactly the same position as you -- possibly they will be able to give advice. Virtually everyone here (and a very high percentage of the population) has suffered from depression or a related anxiety disorder at some point or another. I have.
Incidentally, there's nothing the matter with going to a doctor about anything; if you have, it shows that you are prepared to help yourself. I'm a bit worried if you're not eating or sleeping, though: those are sure-fire ways of making yourself worse.
Best wishes,
David
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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One of the things people use this place for is to say the things they can't say to a person, even a stranger.
Every person you share it with makes it a little easier to bear.
Just be sure of something:
We don't care who you are, what gender you are, what orientation, or what age you are. We don't care if you represent yourself as one person and are actually another. As long as you hurt no-one and are not unlawful in your sexual habits and in going about your life we support you totally.
I don't know if that gives you enough confidence to speak. I hope it helps a little
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Simon,
I really dont know you that well, but thats ok, cause I take you at face value till you screw over me. since were talking about Docs, I get to see a whole bunch every month at the clinic, and one of them, guess what, is a shrink. I tried to end things twice. Ive been told I love to hard. In my friendships and loves I throw my whole self into it. That may be stupid and it can sure get you hurt, and boy I get to cry a lot, but I have also made some really good friends, and even adopted me a really terrific Granddad. Guess what im saying is not to be afraid to love, to love a friend, or love someone deeper. Your gonna get hurt, but when you do hit on the right friend or the right lover, its gonna be magic. Makes everything else worth while. I wouldnt take a million dollars for all the guys in here, each one in their own way are special. I love every one of them.
I believe in Karma....what you give is what you get returned........
Affirmation........Savage Garden
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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There is nothing...... NOTHING..... you could say here that would put any of us off or shock us.
I have litteraly seen the worse this world has to offer.....
Nothing will shock me......
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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pimple
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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Greetings
First off, only the screen name is false. I needed to be brash to do what I want, and thought that 'Rutlust' was about as far as I could go. I'm hoping that if I can wear a different face here for a while, and practice it, with time it might make an appearance in the real world.
My natural stance is to hold everyone at arm's length, and I have the reach of Goliath! So, your assignment, should you choose to accept, is to help me get some normal arms, and then some 'arm reduction' surgery. (My insurance provider would have a bitch with the coding for that one.)
My plan was to work on the problem without mentioning the immediate cause or underlying realities. Therapy; and I am pushing hard! I NEVER write and rarely talk like this.
As far as sex goes - nice of you to offer, but I gave that up before sleeping or eating.
Simon
Joy Peace and Tranquility
Joyceility
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I know Im a bit young for you, but ill be your friend and help everyway I can. Your gonna find that its pretty easy to love the guys in this group. If you can find someone in real life, that you can love, the sex thingy will follow on its own. You never love someone for the sex. the romance and the caring and just being with each other is the best part of love. Yu might even make a cyber bud and fall in love, it actually does happen, and that may help you too. Anyway, Im here, and I listen pretty good and wont ever judge you. Opps, better grab a sandwidh in the luch room while i can.;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D
I believe in Karma....what you give is what you get returned........
Affirmation........Savage Garden
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pimple
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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Hey Whip!
Thanks for the words. And the thoughts behind them.
First off, our paths will never cross, so there is NO likelihood that I will mess you over. If you've read my post, you know that I am much more comfortable asking then telling (always the interviewer - safest job around), and you control what you tell. So again no chance for a hose job.
Love and I have communicated more directly than by rumor alone, although I will admit that this time February's bleak twilight seems to have lasted from late November to not quite May. Loving is not the issue, but being loved may be. Circumstances beyond anyone's control have brought me to an empty landscape. Have you ever gotten lost when you KNOW that you have made all the proper turns? It happens & I'm there.
I assume you're here because you are a reader, and I gonna hazard to guess that you write some as well. Do kids still read Heinlein's "Stranger in a Strange Land" and "Time Enough for Love"?
Enough!
Thanks now get back to work
Simon
Joy Peace and Tranquility
Joyceility
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I will also make you the offer that if you ever need someone to talk to I am available and one of the few things that I am good at in life is listening. I also must say that I think I tend to hold people at arms distance (or further really) as well so I can relate to you on that point. Heck, I moved across the country to try and reinvent myself so I totally know where you are coming from on that one.
Good Luck,
David
It's always the old to lead us to the war
It's always the young to fall
Now look at all we've won with the sabre and the gun
Tell me is it worth it all
~Phil Ochs "I Aint Marching Anymore"
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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True enough....
I know about keeping people from getting too close..... I also know it is very hard to get to the point where you (and I) can let people come close.
Maybe we can work on this together.... Many hands and light work and all that, you know......
As for love..... Well not one of us ever counts out the possibility of falling in love..... But that is not the primary issue....
As for what Brian said about finding an online friend and eventually falling in love.... Well I can attest to the fact that it realy does happen.... I met Kevin (my partner, my love, my life, my best friend, my reason to keep on keeping on) online and after a period of courtship (yeah it's a corny way to say it) we have never been apart from the first day since we met in real life.
Brian........ What kind of sammich.....? I haven't had lunch yet.....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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pimple
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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No Message Body
Joy Peace and Tranquility
Joyceility
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pimple
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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or was he beating your butt (and brain) back into line on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday?
S
Joy Peace and Tranquility
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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It was school food. You really dont want to know.;-D
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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I try very hard to keep my mood swings apart from him.
It's not fair to him and he yells realy loud if I am not fair to him.....
Not a pretty thing when carrying a migraine.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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I liked school food.........
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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ok......Chicken Salad (ahhhhh I think)
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I'm not going to give you shorter arms. You are the only person who can do that. I am going to give you a shock, though. I wamt you to read it with care, this shock, and to understand it properly, because I am not pushing you away.
First let me tell you clearly that I care passionately about everyone who comes here who is in need. Everyone, with no exceptions. I care enough to do whatever is in my simple power to help each in some way.
The shock, if it is one, is that I do not care enough to do it for you. I care only about what they, what you, can do for yourself. I only care when you care enough. Until then I watch and I wait. I wait with kindness, but I wait. Anyone who feels I have helped them here will tell you that about me, I think.
I'm looking forward to your "arms reduction", and to your finding one or more of us worth befriending. Like pairs of shoes, not every pair in the store will fit. Try enough on and one will fit. I'm looking forward to your finding the right pair of shoes
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Simon,
Excuse me for making this post, as some of its purpose is selfish: you've piqued my curiosity. I'd like to help -- and yet the more I look at your situation (what I know of it, from what you've posted) the more confused I get.
I've read the parent post again -- several times -- and every time it gets a bit more cryptic to me. Presumably everything in that post you typed for a reason -- is there something beyond the words that you have considered discussing, but decided against, yet are still hinting at? Or am I simply being presumptuous or projecting my own thoughts onto your words?
>I needed to be brash to do what I want, and thought that 'Rutlust' was about as far as I could go.
Well, I know what "rut" means (in fact, there are several meanings, and I'm not quite which of them applies in this case); and I know what "lust" means; but that is one of the things that has confused me: it doesn't seem relevant to the persona you have presented so far.
>My plan was to work on the problem without mentioning the immediate cause or underlying realities. Therapy; and I am pushing hard! I NEVER write and rarely talk like this.
It is easier to talk to people online when you can measure your responses carefully; and, of course, you are anonymous. I myself would never have become a part of this community if it did not principally exist online; I would have been too frightened of being judged (as irritating, or uninteresting) on first appearances. But in fact the people round here are very non-judgemental. I'm not sure if the person I become online is really likeable or not, but it is infinitely more forthright than I ever am in person, except with my closest friends; and even with them, in real life, I stumble and um and er a lot.
Please feel free to ignore this post if it seems incomprehensible or rude to you.
Best regards,
David
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pimple
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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Well Boss, No shock at all, but isn't the kicker that if/when I care enough about it, then my need for here/all of you will have diminished? I don't expect anyone to offer to 'fix me' but myself. I can't figure out what it will take (yet), and I wouldn't recognize a 'fixed me' as being me. I am hoping that this avenue allows me to explore in a way that does no one harm.
I know that I have come on sort of strong, OK, really strong I've pushed myself into a lot of what may be publicly displayed but private dialog, it will tone down when I'm mobile again. I have attempted to be truthful, thoughtful, kind - and funny in my interactions. This is the best me that I can bring to the table at the moment. It has been a struggle, it would be so much easier give in to the constant sadness, bitterness and pity. Whether caring and concern and acquaintanceship can be added to the mix will remain to be seen, but if keep bringing the best to the table it might become easier for me to believe in. I suspect that the environment is too one dimensional for me to make friends. I really need to be able to look into your eyes and hear the timber of your voice. There are reasons why I never explored this before but my efforts are sincere.
Joy Peace and Tranquility
Joyceility
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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it is a journey. Walk here as long as you need. And stay beyond your need to help others
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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pimple
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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Hey Deeej-
I think that you have probably read most of what I've said over the last 3 days, you've commented on a lot. Close your eyes and tell me who I appear to be. Don't focus on this thread.
Words for me are a real approach/avoidance thing. I hide a lot about myself by saying it. The bones are: I am old, sick, alone, and surprised. Surprised by each and every item on the list. So while they see what they can do with the body, I am going to see what I can do with the mind/personality.
Simon Rutlust is a character I dreamed up in high school/college. He was me when I was doing reckless (but not stupid) things, living life, taking big bites. There were other characters: the student, the employee, the dad, the boss. Some not far removed from me, and some a real stretch, But Simon was my favorite me, and he got put away early. I've decided I want him back.
Simon
Joy Peace and Tranquility
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>Simon Rutlust is a character I dreamed up in high school/college. He was me when I was doing reckless (but not stupid) things, living life, taking big bites. There were other characters: the student, the employee, the dad, the boss. Some not far removed from me, and some a real stretch, But Simon was my favorite me, and he got put away early. I've decided I want him back.
That is interesting. When I first heard the name (and the username -- "pimple") I assumed you were quite young. Now I'm aware you're not, but I still don't have a strong conception of your everyday life. Other people let things like that bleed into their posts more than you do (I know you said you have already addressed topics you didn't mean to, but you have nevertheless been pretty general). It's quite unusual round here to take your approach, even in the supposed "anonymity" of the internet.
I don't need to know anything about you that you don't want me to know. But it does help me to discover that Simon Rutlust is you playing a part created when you were younger; it acts as a sort of firewall, and as long as I know it's there I can stop inadvertently trying to break through it. As long as you decide to keep it that way, I'm happy just to answer each of your posts on its own terms.
David
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pimple
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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You didn't answer this one. Simon is not a firewall. No made up emotion, up front and on the table when I would likely pass. Do you understand?
Didn't expect the pimple to 'show' when I was signing up. I live in a geo-dome home out in the flat lands. I prefer pimple to the host of names that people have tried to hang on it.
SR
Joy Peace and Tranquility
Joyceility
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pimple
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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Deej-
I reread your post, This isn't about the internet, or hiding from you (all). Perhaps if I can learn to be Simon when I'm here than I can suck him into me and internalize the traits that I think are better than my normal approach to life. Am I making any sense? Or am I just proving that I'm really weird?
S
Joy Peace and Tranquility
Joyceility
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pimple
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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Lets talk computers for a second, Simon is just an interface, data/content is unchanged.
Joy Peace and Tranquility
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>Simon is not a firewall. No made up emotion, up front and on the table when I would likely pass. Do you understand?
I use the word "firewall" in computing terms. An internet firewall does not make anything up. It does not present anything false to the world, except in very specific circumstances (to extend the analogy, such as the slight fiction -- the nickname 'Simon' -- you use to preserve your anonymity). It simply moderates what goes between you and the outside world, and can prevent or allow certain things to pass, either in or out. Sometimes this can present a front that is not usually open to the world, since there are different firewalls in place for real life social contact.
Everyone has a firewall. Some people replace the firewall with a facade, but I don't think you are doing that at all. However, you have specifically told us that a firewall exists, so we can allow for it.
Unless I have completely got the wrong end of the stick, that is my perception of the way you are using this board. And I don't think anyone objects to it.
David
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pimple
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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We have a chef here who is on TV nightly, forgotten his name. His trademark is that he 'likes to kick it up another notch' by adding spice, usually red pepper and garlic, to everything.
Simon is me kicked up a couple of nothces
Simon
(This time for sure Rocky!)
Joy Peace and Tranquility
Joyceility
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pimple
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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David
I'd really like to know - I'm just starting that trip myself.
Simon
Joy Peace and Tranquility
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>Lets talk computers for a second, Simon is just an interface, data/content is unchanged.
An interface usually adapts the data into a form that can be presented to other devices, or to people. It's also often selective. Even if it doesn't change the data itself.
Hmm -- these analogies are sometimes useful. Sometimes not. I don't know about this one. Let's not get too philosophical!
David
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pimple
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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I'm black and white TV
Simon is color
Joy Peace and Tranquility
Joyceility
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>I reread your post, This isn't about the internet, or hiding from you (all). Perhaps if I can learn to be Simon when I'm here than I can suck him into me and internalize the traits that I think are better than my normal approach to life. Am I making any sense?
You do make sense. I think the best thing, really, at this stage is to take things as they come. If you keep posting, and interacting with everyone else on the board, then your's and Simon's character will become clearer to the rest of us. I'm sure you can make some friends here.
You've already posted what must be a record number of posts -- 108 in three days!
>Or am I just proving that I'm really weird?
We're all really weird. I'm a very peculiar person. At least, compared to everyone else I am. But I may think that simply because I am the only person to which I have unfettered access without having to cross a firewall or interface.
David
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cossie
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On fire! |
Location: Exiled in North East Engl...
Registered: July 2003
Messages: 1699
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... I didn't like the 'notching up' because it had garlic in it and that's just too, too French. We dyed-in-the-wool Brits avoid such fripperies and stick with parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme, mint, salt and pepper.
Actually, though, I'm tempted to keep shaking you; I think there could well be a world market for Emulsified Rutlust. Viagra and Cialis watch out!
For a' that an' a' that,
It's comin' yet for a' that,
That man tae man, the worrld o'er
Shall brithers be, for a' that.
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Bravo Simon! Follows is my take on why you're here:
1) You're here to explore the homosexual side of you if nothing else.
(I am here by surfing in. Wasn't looking & didn't need it. But now here I'd like to stay if I could help others. And in the process will benefit myself. I feel so strongly for any one who needs help.)
2) You are highly intelligent, experienced & tired of where your life has come to right now.
3) You are dealing with two strongly conflicting emotions (presumably homo & heterosexuality) the attendant mental conflicts within your own mind. & the physical lusts. you aren't alone.
4) You also feel that there is a better way of living/thinking/acting. I've yet to figure out what exactly, tho i get the idea it has to do with connecting with feelings more & loving. Am I close??
You (and I also) have also been spending much time on the computer & with this forum. Eating & sleeping suffer. We need a rested clearer head. fortunately you are retired so you can devote more time to it...
You are not "really wierd"! i like you alot, and timmy & marc, &tc, just not enough time to correspond with everyone here...
you've been quite thoughtful & nice, beginning with two of the most important subjects on earth. I hope the old you doesn't sneak up with the piano wire!..I laughed so hard 'cause I know what you mean!!
Of course, it's fairly evident that it will be your discision to leave or stay. You don't really have two personalities, just conflicting or divergent ideas, it seems.
At the rate you're going it'll take years to get this worked out though. Months for us to begin to understand perhaps. Hey, but go for it! We've all the time that we have left! Fire away.
5) Actually i perceive that it may be thru the communicating that your therapy Is being affected (not effected, right? I need an english tutor!).
So much for my take on you. i like you & hope you attain greater peace & comfort at your present station in life.
6) Have you been diagnose with a terminal disease? (other than the terminal condition we all share: LIFE)? Your reference to "medical/physical/mental" seems to fit with serious disease requiring changing habits or lifestyles.. Such as heart disease or similar seriousness.
Come out with it! Spit it out, my friend! you capable gent, you! Don't sell yourself short! You can do much more! That mind is more wise & creative than it ever was! Zeal & spirit continue to grow & develop! One of the sharpest friends I've ever had was 97 years old. his wife was one year younger. he was an doctor of organic chemistry. a teacher by trade.
I await you reply...
Teddy
PS How many capris did you have? i counted 20 I owned, not all ran. From my 1st car in 1980 to a couple years ago when i sold them off.
* Fan clubs etc are stronger in US now than in past! & we only had them from '70 to '77! Still most popular in England. Google to find lots of clubs. I even planned to start one here.
* If I'd had more money, I'd have transitioned into BMWs or something. Those Crapis just didn't hold up.
* i still think about the one I never finished, a '77 S model with imported 2.8 injection engine. It is beautiful & would've drove very well. Maybe the present owner will get it going. Good memories of a fun machine.
* I'd love an austin healy 300-6 or 3000. or at least TR6. Anything with a motor on it is fun! i use to work on those cars for a living; Jaguar, porche, lotus, jensen healy, triumph, mg, mini, fiat, alfa romeo, & on up the food chain to rolls royce & ferrari. I'd like a BMW bike.
Life's a trip * Friends help you through * Adventure on life!
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pimple
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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Edin-where?
Joy Peace and Tranquility
Joyceility
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