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pimple
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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Greetings
I'm not sure I can write this, anger can surprise you when you think you are well past it.
I got a call today that my father has had a stroke. Not unexpected considering his age, triple digits is something I wouldn't wish.... that isn't the intention of my post. It looks like it will close the book on him, and I am surprised at how angry I still am with him.
He has never, and now will never, apologize for the terrible parent that he was. Fifty years ago we touched on it briefly in a heated discussion, and his only comment was that '...it wasn't in him, and I should let it go, and get over it...' Believe me; I've tried! But I have worn the consequences of something he was able to dismiss in a single line for my entire life, in every aspect of my life. There is no resolution now, and there can never be, and my blood pressure is up twenty points thinking about how little it mattered to him and how much to me.
Perhaps there was an up side, I heaped all the affection, concern and attention that I could on every kid that came through the door for as long as they were here, and there have been a number, but having not been loved, I've never been sure I loved.
It looks like I will be in Arizona for Easter - pretending...
So, how is it with your fathers (and sons)?
Simon
Joy Peace and Tranquility
Joyceility
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Dear Simon,
I understand your anger and frustration. It is a terrible thing to live one's life feeling that one has been deprived of paternal love and affection. And you may well be right that our own behaviour patterns are influenced - for good and for bad - by what our parents did or did not give us. I cannot tell you to love your father; I cannot tell you even to mourn your father. But I can suggest this: feel sorry for him, feel compassion. Consider what he has been foolish enough to deny himself all these years. Your loss was also his loss, and it makes little difference that he brought his loss upon himself. How terrible it must be to estrange yourself from your own son for fifty years! I, a complete stranger, can pity him. Simon, try and pity him too.
Hugs.
The paradox has often been noted that the United States, founded in secularism, is now the most religiose country in Christendom, while England, with an established church headed by its constitutional monarch, is among the least. (Richard Dawkins, 2006)
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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My father died in 1982, before I was able to come to terms with me enough to tackle him. All through my life he had expressed his distate for queers, nancy boys, "Die warmen Bruder" (he was Viennese), poofs etc. He was incessantly worried I was going to be homosexual. He threw out things I liked because they made me look "like a nancy boy" and denied it. He beat me, and also professed love for me.
He wrecked my education while believing he was doing his best by using his wallet, not his brain.
I was never able to tell him either. I have no idea how he would have reacted, but I am also certain he and my mother would have institutionalised me to be cured of homosexuality.
I have yelled at him now, after his death. I expect I may be able to forgive him one day, but not yet. With love he spoilt my early years, and no-one taught me how to live for myself.
I suspect that may mirror some of what you are feeling.
I think, hope, I have done better with my son. He says I have, at least.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Hm...
Why do you have to go?
Being in a state of cognitive dissonance (with your mind tugging both ways) is unpleasant. Think, then act, then move on. Amor fati, some say. As for your anger - it is yours, for good or ill. If he had asked you forgivness, would you have given it, and meant it? And if you would, what prevents you now? If you would not, what good would it have done you? (Not meant as criticism at all)
Me, I have both parents still alive and well, up north. They are... well, likeable in small amounts, shall we say. For me. My mother is still in denial that I am gay, altho I am working on it. My stepfather doesn't really care about it, in the good way. So yeah... they "exist", but not much more. If they didn't, I would not notice it much, I think.
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pimple
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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Greetings to a new voice!
(As a post script to my post; he bought the farm today at lunch time.)
Well, as I said, an anger that surprised me. I thought I was well past caring in any way, shape or form. It seems I'd deluded myself into thinking so. Unrequited hope for parental love apparently is not diminished by age or reason.
Forgiveness can not be given for an apology unreceived. I did not say that I had never loved him, I must have once it is hard to remember, but I'm angry- so I must have.
As to why I'm going: family. A sister, cousins, and others. Lots of living people who matter to me, and to whom I matter. Funerals are always for the living.
Regards-
Simon
Joy Peace and Tranquility
Joyceility
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Oh, not that new a voice, merely a silent one.
Hm, interesting point about forgivness. I agree with you, but it is and should be possible to find peace with an issue, to no longer be angry, even if no apology has been received. What we call that (if not forgivness) is less interesting, I think.
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Dear Simon,
I know the feeling - an anger that takes hold of you, hovering over your head like a dark cloud, destroying every situation when there is talk about parents and family.
If you haven't already done so, I think you should talk to someone about your anger and the reasons behind it, since it is obviously chewing you up. Did you ever talk with your sister about this?
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Hi Simon, what did your father do to you? I had a sorta cold, mean dad too but I've been blessed in that he realized it & changed (after we'd grown up). HE ACTUALLY HUGGED ME & TOLD ME THAT HE LOVED ME, THAT HE WAS SORRY FOR ALL THE WRONG THAT HE HAD DONE, AND THAT HE WASN'T LIKE THAT ANYMORE. I could hardly believe it when he first hugged me! i didn't know what to say. Now he says I love you almost every time we talk. I think your dad sorta felt this way, but certainly never did it. I wish he had! it takes a big man to do that though!
>>He has never, and now will never, apologize for the terrible parent that he was. Fifty years ago we touched on it briefly in a heated discussion, and his only comment was that '...it wasn't in him, and I should let it go, and get over it...' Believe me; I've tried! But I have worn the consequences of something he was able to dismiss in a single line for my entire life, in every aspect of my life. There is no resolution now, and there can never be, and my blood pressure is up twenty points thinking about how little it mattered to him and how much to me.
Dear friend, I'm sorry such troubles have befallen you due to no fault of your own.. Life can be a bitch! & we're the offspring thereof!.. man I'd like to hug you & sit with you for hours just to let you get this off your chest. I've had a lot of crap come my way..underserved crap I mean.. but there's no limit to the crap that can be generated by mankind it seems!
>>Perhaps there was an up side, I heaped all the affection, concern and attention that I could on every kid that came through the door for as long as they were here, and there have been a number, but having not been loved, I've never been sure I loved.
Sounds like you've been real nice to all the young 'uns that came to your house.. so ..it's a good thing to put a stop the generations of crap that our parents used to hand down, each one to the next.. I'm so glad to hear that your own kids aint got a prob with you..I'll prob never have the pleasure of having children now, after a bitchy spoiled woman took away my chances.. well I had some part in it too.
I'm glad that you can say you've done it right, the best that you could do! I try to show love to all I can..I try to make the world a better place..I know the hurt , depression & anxiety a person can feel from bad parentage as you've also experienced.. Thanks for doing it right for so many others..there's no more that we can do for the future of this world than to love the young 'uns coming up today..
With great love, TeddyBear!
Life's a trip * Friends help you through * Adventure on life!
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Simon, I never had a father (well I did thru biology), I never met him, dont know anything about him. He wasnt there when I was born. When I got old enought, I saw other kids with their dads, and I would get angry. I really started to hate him cause he wasnt there to help me. The best thing I ever did for myself (not for him or anyone else), just for me inside, was to forgive him. It didnt seem to mater what he thought or how he felt. What did mater is how I felt. It doenst mater if he knows hes been forgiven, what does mater is that in my heart he has been.
I believe in Karma....what you give is what you get returned........
Affirmation........Savage Garden
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pimple
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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Thanks Brian-
I'm gonna let this go now, I've vented and it truly is over with, all but the planting.
But allow me to say that in a way, you were lucky. You only had one hurt - granted a great one, but only one. Not eighteen years of them, until I left home, (and then another fifty years whenever our paths crossed) some great, some small, some noticed by only me and others that everyone was aware of, and I felt worse because they knew.
I am glad that you forgave him, and I TRULY thought I was past all caring, and am amazed at the anger I held close without realizing it. If your sperm donor (Brian I'm sorry for you - everyone needs a father's love, and I hope you've found a substitute) ever makes an appearance in your life, and you find that your emotions and feelings don't exactly match your thoughts - remember me and perhaps your experience will be easier.
Kind regards
Simon
Joy Peace and Tranquility
Joyceility
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Oh dear Rutlust!
How true those words! A present mean dad can inflict worse punishment on their sons than a simply absent one, in my humble estimation..i agree.
And i thank all you who help those of us (knowingly or unknowingly) thru the mental crap & baggage that still sticks to us lo these many years & miles away...
God knows, simon, I'm praying for you & glad you'll cover this mess over & forget about it again soon!! pains like that are to ugly to uncover sometimes when no more healing or lessons can be drawn therefrom!!
Like they say, "It's all good!!" You know what i mean.. Teddy
Life's a trip * Friends help you through * Adventure on life!
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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There are stages in letting go. It may all go, of course it may, but be prepared for it to visit sometimes, recognise it for what it is, and keep moving forwards.
The dead and the absent are dead. And absent. They need not affect us because we can choose not to let them. But the choice is not always easy to implement
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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