|
|
|
|
It's been a tumultous few days for me, first period after the board was gone, I missed it terribly. I then came over that, and kind of idled on neutral gear. That ended with the most amazing thing I've experienced in years (I've told a few of you in private), and since then I've been wishing and wanting for more. Yes, it involved a guy, a person I've had my eyes on for a while now. He's quite attractive in a way, at least to me, and it was just a brief and rather shallow encounter if one was to think objectively about it. Despite that, it was quite magnificient. But it also means I lust for more! Much more, and it gets worse and worse for every day that passes! I had a glorious moment and now it is only a glorious memory which is slowly reverting to a bitter memory...
I fear that one moment is all I will ever get out of it, I have no real reason to believe it, but it is a CONSTANT fear that eats away at me. Dammit! I knew this would happen! Why didn't I seize that opportunity properly when I had it? I'm SO STUPID! Now all I do is worry, worry worry, and it's really bothering me! I've been wanting to tell about this for days now, but now that I have the chance I feel I'm only stirring up all that angst again, so I'd better stop now.
Tomorrow is another day, and another chance. Perhaps tomorrow... That is the only hope I cling to. Disappointment is deeper for every day I do not see him. Christ, by now I almost wish it HADN'T happened at all! It's so typical of fate to tantalize me like this and then snatch my object of desire away from me again, I hate that!
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
By now, I DO wish it hadn't happened at all.
Haven't seen him since it happened. Why oh why didn't I grab on to him when I had the chance? Why did I let go??? I KNEW this was the only chance I'd have! I KNEW IT!!! And I chickened out!
DAMMIT, I hate myself for that, I'm so stupid.
Yes yes, I can't say for certain I'll never see him again, but I still know it. He won't come back. I know it, because this is how it's supposed to be for me.
I fell into my own trap, just like that fucking coyote (you know what I mean, Tim...) and now I can't sleep again, I'm too stirred up, I'm too frustrated.
So what if it didn't lead anywhere? I could find someone else, right? I'm thin now (almost), I look decent (almost). I could find another, right?
But what if I don't want to? What if I want HIM? Maybe I felt something for that guy without knowing it. Having touched him, and then not seeing him again, it's total AGONY. It's a knife twisted in a wound! I suffer WORSE now than before, it's awful.
I knew this would happen. Fuck!
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
trevor
|
 |
Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
|
|
|
Lenny, to a great extent I think our worlds are what we make them to be. I know it's easy to fall back into a hole you've started climbing out of, but you did have a special moment that made you happy for a time, at least.
Why wouldn't you see him again if you've "had your eye on him for awhile"? If he's too embarrased to possibly see you again, "scared away", he probably wasn't "Mr. Right" anyway.
I think the important thing is you made the effort, you weren't rejected, you had a small success.
Well, I hope you can see the positive side to the experience, although I know that doesn't help with your current loneliness. All I can offer is next time try to communicate more immediately after, maybe go somewhere to talk or have a bite or drink before he can reflect and second-guess his own actions.
Take care, my friend. You know we're thinking of you and wishing you the best.
|
|
|
|
|
Goto Forum:
|
] 
A Place of Safety
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
Ups and downs... 
What kind of world IS this??? 
