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This question deserves its own thread (see below).
Most of you know my recent background of serving as a mentor to 11-14 yo boys through a local middle school. It is a strictly voluntary role although I sometimes receive an honorarium from various groups to assist in the more costly activities I share with my mentees. But a question I often get asked is why do I do this. Subject myself to the sometimes cruel and unforgiving atmosphere of at-risk teens. My stock answer is because I receive so much joy from making a difference.
Recently someone asked if all the children I work with turn out for the better. Should I lie and say yes? No, I cannot in all honesty say, every child who's life I have touched is a success story. Alas, I must admit to some very, very disappointing failures. So why do I continue?
I have found that I derive pleasure and satisfaction (albeit small) from even abject failures (lose a kid to the TYC - Texas Youth Corrections) because I tried. To me, not trying would be a stain on my soul.
My experience is but one small sliver of the concept of caring. Please share your thoughts and/or experiences on this question.
Hugs,
Charlie
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Caring is not at all a small sliver..... it is a huge piece of the pie.
Without volunteerism so many youth would fall victom to the wolves.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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pimple
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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Or is care always an active verb?
I don't think of myself as caring, and I am crusty enough that casual observers wouldn't see it, but I do care, often times more deeply than I acknowledge. When I make commitments to people, I keep them. I have made a few over the years that have paid real (and unexpected) dividends when I needed care.
Attempting to leave it better than I found it is a core value. I haven't a clue if that is taught, or transmitted only via osmosis.
Regards
Simon
Joy Peace and Tranquility
Joyceility
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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We should care because it does soemthing for two groups of people: Thiose who are cared for and those who care
Mother Theresa did not do good things out of pure altruism. There was something in it for her, even if it was the chance to see one person live for one more day and to know "some of that was down to me". She cared. Not about herslef, but about others. But active caring she also helped herself. And who is to criticise hr for that.
We should care if, by caring, we can make a difference to something or someone that affects lives for the better.
Passive caring is a contradiction in terms. The only posisble definition is to await care and "be cared for". The passive voice versus the active voice. Passove care is to be a person cared for by others, whetehr it is of one;s own volition or not.
Simon's illustration is active caring, but with the engine set to "idle". That is not a criticism. Caring actively "at idle" achieves things. He knows, for he has seen this achieve things. Simply turnung the engine on, as he and so many peole do, is a major step. Mother Theresa simply had a turbo and ran at full revs.
We should care because we can achieve substantially more than we can without caring. And we get the by-products ourselves. A new friend, some good luck that woudld otherwise have passed us by, a feeling of "job well done". And it is ok to care in the full knowledge that by caring something good will happen to you in return, even to make it a formal bargain.
But we should not care to the extent that it destroys us, for we cannto then contribute further, unless you are that perosn saving the life of a child by risking your own and you are normally capable of surviving the happening.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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My best friends Grandma told us one time that if you lose the ability to care, to be charitable, to not care about the condition of others, that is a blashimy aginst the spirit of man and God.
I believe in Karma....what you give is what you get returned........
Affirmation........Savage Garden
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pimple
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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Having ruminated on my first reply, I am inclined to refine my comments and return something closer to the question Charlie asked.
My care is so low key as to be unnoticed except as atmosphere. I have no idea what the numbers are now, but in the seventies there were a lot of street kids in my corner of the world. There still maybe, but I am no longer active in the arts world, and do not have a gallery any more. In those days numbers of kids would 'look' at the art and photography when it was bitter cold out. We were pressured to kick them out because it was bad for business, but we didn't. A few kids joined us for lunches when they had none, some talked some didn't. Some crashed on the couch for days, some crashed and burned. A few became friends, one caused me to get a license to foster. Some here would think it criminal to put a child in my care, but it was clearly better than the alternative.
Every thing (up to the fostering) I would call passive caring. It required nothing of me but an accepting attitude. Something I keep well hidden.
Regards
Simon
Joy Peace and Tranquility
Joyceility
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cossie
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On fire! |
Location: Exiled in North East Engl...
Registered: July 2003
Messages: 1699
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Maybe I'm a bit simplistic, but I agree with Timmy's basic thesis - we care because we feel good about caring.
I discovered that I had the ability to organise when I was in my middle teens, and a year or two of experience taught me the advantages of pulling strings without appearing to do so. Put another way, I got far more satisfaction from organising a successful event than I did from making it known that I was the organiser.
I can't help it - I'm a caring junkie! I've organised just about every kind of social, dramatic or academic event known to man. My criterion of success is that the participants go away happy and satisfied. I confess that success gives me a real buzz, and makes me want to do it all again, but I still prefer to stay in the background.
I've been a Scout Leader and a senior officer in various adult organisations, but I still get a warm feeling when I allow another motorist priority and get a wave of acknowledgement in return.
My grandmother used to say - with tedious frequency! - 'There, but for the Grace of God, go I'. Trite, but true. My present situation owes as much to luck as it owes to ability. But if I can help somebody - anybody - I will, though I cannot deny that I do so in the knowledge that I will feel good about it.
I should perhaps exclude my 'adoption' of Brian as a grandson. I did that because I have never before felt so strongly that someone else was a kindred spirit!
For a' that an' a' that,
It's comin' yet for a' that,
That man tae man, the worrld o'er
Shall brithers be, for a' that.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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The verb has active and passive voices. But the meaning shifts.
The active voice means that the subject cares about or for the object.
The passive voice means that the subject is cared for or about by the object.
"I care for you" Active
"I am cared for by you" Passive
How lucky we do not havve the Greek "middle" voice, which I have never understood.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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She sounds like a wise woman.
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pimple
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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No Message Body
Joy Peace and Tranquility
Joyceility
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Well, I'd been avoiding posting to this thread 'cos I was a little concerned about touching on some of the areas that other people find sensitive. But I agree that it's an interesting question, so here goes (and please feel free to disagree *politely*) ...
We *can* care because we as social animals have evolved in a context where there are survival benefits to doing so (a stronger group is more able to support us) ... although there are also situations in which competition has survival benefits and we're not short of competitive instincts either! The evolved mechanism for perpetuating caring behaviour is for us to feel good when we care for other members of the group.
The big challenge - now that we no longer live in small-group situations - is to broaden the size of the group we identify with as much as possible, and so experience the rewards of caring for those who may be very different from ourselves. The days of "my group (country, religion, political party ... ) right or wrong" must be over if we are to survive as a species!
Many religions positively promote this sharing in a larger group ... although where the balance tips over into self-denial or self-abnegation I think they've missed at least half the point of it: I completely agree with timmy's point that "we should not care to the extent that it destroys us,". I'd go further, in that I think it is very difficult to care consistently about others over a long term unless we feel that in turn we are are cared about (not necessarily by the same people, of course) - and I think it is pretty important to care about ourselves as well.
And - as well as the amount we feel able to give to others for the above reasons - there may be practical restrictions. I think my own experience is not untypical: as a schoolboy and as a student I was cash-poor but time-rich, and did a fair ammount of voluntary work. During my working life (working 60-100 hours a week) I was very time-poor, so was rather more likely to given cash suport than time or energy to "causes", and restricted my personal in-kind support to those immediately surrounding me. Now I am no longer working, I feel the need to be more actively involved again in actually "doing" things for others (which will of course also "do" things for me - make me feel good about myself, get me out of the house, etc.).
But - above all - if we really care, we must be really honest, and try not to attach strings to the time, effort, or whatever that we give. The feel-good should be its own reward: to impose additional strings on someone we see as being in need is unfair (however difficult it undoubtedly is to root this out of ourselves) - to say "I'll feed you if you convert to my religion", "I'll only give you money if you vote the way I want you to", or "I'll support you if you have a small family achieved through abstinence but not if its achieved through contraception" is not caring, it's bribery, and is in my view both immoral and liable to provoke a long-term backlash.
I do know that this level of disinterest is impossible to achieve in practice ... but I feel I / we (humans) have to try!
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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pimple
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 375
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Greetings-
A couple of questions if you will.
Is it possible to care (not financially or institutionally) without developing an emotional connection with whom you care about?
If yes, does that then preclude caring about large groups (the masses)?
Is that connection necessary for the 'feel good' aspect?
Does caring always presuppose a change in the condition, circumstances or status of those for whom you care?
Regards
Simon
Joy Peace and Tranquility
Joyceility
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Of course.
I care a great deal about a great many people. Those who just pass through my life were not people I made an emotional connection with even though I cared about what hapened with them
I see caring and emotional connection as two intersecting sets, not as two sides of the same pancake
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Sorry it has taken so long for me to get back to my own thread but I have been extremely busy the last few days and have not been online.
Most of the responses I have seen to this thread deal more with what I would call compassion rather than caring. Am I off the mark on this? Isn't compassion more a general feeling of doing good while caring is more active? Most all of us feel compassion toward our fellow man, but is it caring? I cite the example of contributing money to our favorite charity (compassion) vs volunteering in a soup kitchen or delivering meals to the elderly (caring).
Fire at will. ;-D
Hugs, Charlie
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I think on target and wide of the mark.
Caring means, to me, caring enough to do something. I don't mind if that is limited to cash or is active.
I am not a soup kitchen person, nor a cash person. But what I can do I do. I do not, for example, take an active part in formal youth work. I am not the schoolmaster I a;ways anted to be. In each of those cases there is too much "Diabetic in a sweet shop" material.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I would call to your attention a little motto or small poem I heard a long time ago and still abide by as I am able to do so:
I expect to pass through this world but once.
Any good thing, therefore, that I can do or any kindness I can show to any fellow human being.....
Let me do it now.
Let me not defer it, nor neglect it......
for I shall not pass this way again. Stephen Grellet
I am now retired and looking forward to a time when I may not be able to physically do much. I will always try to find a way to show I care until I can no longer draw a breath; I think we owe this to our fellow human beings.
When we no longer can show compassion for others, we are diminished by it. It takes little to listen and it is always possible that a person who will listen is what will help someone the most. Here in America I think that "time" has become a precious commodity for most people and now I have some to give and I do try to do that.
Ken
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An interesting question - - Why would/should we care? 
