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I hate myself
For what I did to you
I did not mean to selfish
I just cold not pass up
God I hate myself
How else could I get to you
But there was a glitch
I really screwed up
Will you hate me, as I hate myself
Please don’t be mad I love you
I did not want it to end this way
What have I done to mess up
May be I should be dead, or kill myself
May be that I can stop thinking of you
What have I ever done to deserve this
Maybe my time is up
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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You know, you have to set this right. Have to. Not kill yourself or be dead, but set this right.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I sat for an hour last night looking at med bottles. It has med that is for my chest. I have not told you all this story, because I was embarrassed of my own stupid. But that dose not matter now. Last week end when I was on that family trip it was for my cousins wedding. Well at the reception I had a little too much too drink and challenged my brother to race in the parking lot. Long story short when I turned my head to see where he was I ran in to a truck. Not with a car but ran full speed in to it. I have two browsed ribs for that mistake. So that’s where I got the pills for one pain killer and other to help me breath a little less hard. On the second med you don’t take it at night, because you can stop breathing in your sleep. I almost took them. I went back and forth in my head was life worth living. A conversation all too familiar. But how do I make up for some thing I did, while being selfish.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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Jason,
I don't know you well enough to be able to judge your state of mind, but please, please appreciate that this was not something you did. You were not being selfish by wondering where he was -- you were in fact being the opposite of selfish. It was something Brandon did -- and Brandon does not have the full facts. Him not coming in to work was not a snub to you; it may well not have occurred to him that not coming in would cause any reaction to others except a mild annoyance that he was not there. If you have not told him the depth of your feeling then how could he know? And we've established already that that is not possible in your situation.
People move from job to job from time to time; a job is a job, a company is a company, and does not command the same level of loyalty or respect as one's friends.
Please don't do anything stupid. I do not know if you can salvage anything from this -- if you can, that is great! -- but, if not, these things happen. While they hurt enormously at the time, that hurt will fade. There is nothing terminal -- someone dying would be terminal, and that would be a thousand times worse.
I don't know quite what else to say. I am thinking of you.
Hugs,
David
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Jason, I know all about the back and forth on the suicide issue. I was not only back and forth, I tried it, twice. I can tell you from experience, it isnt a good idea. Stop beating yourself up over this. It wasnt your fault. You didnt make him miss those days. He did that to himself. Because you were attracted to him did not make him your responsibility. He knew if he kept missin g days he would be fired. Maybe thats what he was going for, you dont know. Im being very patient and waitting. If someone wants me they will wait for me too. Im sure there will be many more guys to come along and there will be many dates and such till the right one comes along and you will BOTH click. You and me have a whole lifetime to find the one for us. Like somebody real smart said, "It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved." Jason there will be a million on the way to the right one. We learn from our errors.
I believe in Karma....what you give is what you get returned........
Affirmation........Savage Garden
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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First you absolutely do not take the tablets. Look at Will's post. Be Will for a moment.
Second you sort out whatever it was with Brandon and set it right.
Then you see what cards you have been dealt and you play that hand accordingly.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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As a person that operates a business I can tell you that not showing up for work is a resignation accepted....
There is no second chance.... There is no excuse good enough....
Brandon did this to himself.... All you did was make an inquiry....
As for the pills.... I can tell you from good experience that you need to get a grip on the situation.... No one is worth going to that extreeme....
Like you said before, get his telephone number and give him a call.... His being fired actually gives you an opening to begin a conversation with him....
"Hi, Brandon.... What the hell happened? Man those bastards are assholes fopr firing you.... you can take it from there.......
Oh and Brian..... A MILLION??????? you would need one of those take a number thingies like at the deli.... Oh Well... if that ever becomes a problem I know where to get astroglide by the gallon....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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He is not the only reason I sat for an hour and thought about taken the pills. that is just anouther layer of crap to add to my life. It nothing new I almost ended me a year ago. I hate myself most the time.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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Okay. You have not mentioned the other things (very much) thus far, though -- perhaps if you could explain them some of us could suggest a strategy for dealing with life in general. The advice everyone has given so far is inevitably only relevant within the known context.
The loss of one potential friend is not a great one, but I appreciate that it could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. It's vitally important to retain perspective.
Have you had a chance to talk to anyone about your depression in real life?
David
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Thinking is fine. I wonder who, here has notthought? Some of us have tried, others nearly tried, others just wondered what it would be like.
We're all the ones who made it. And that means we're the ones who will CONTINUE to make it.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I have thought about it also and still do from time to time. But I have found that as time passes most of the things I wanted to escape have changed. I also find that if I had ever carried out my thoughts I would have missed so many wonderful things, and I love wonderful; things.
Gary
Navyone
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You know, sometimes life takes a hand and stops you from doing something stupid. While I sat in the bath tub watching my life flow away, my cousin decided he needed to take a piss and stopped by the house. I didnt lock the front door. He walked in the bathroom and the only thing I remember is the look on his face. If he hadnt shown up, I would not have found this place and gotten to know all these wonderful people. Stick with us dude, talk about whats bothering you, sometimes it does good to get things out in the open and get some feed back. Most everybody here has been thru the same things and we survived. when iM down I come on here and post and email my buds next thing I feel a lot better. I even found this awsome good looking guy here that lives in England. Nothing is so bad it cant be worked out, or talked about, I seriously doubt that you could shock anyone here.
I believe in Karma....what you give is what you get returned........
Affirmation........Savage Garden
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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The thing, Jason, is that, talking to Brian now you would never know he'd been to that particular hell and back.
Brian, I have a simple queston for you: Even on a really bad day, are you glad to be alive?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Yes Timmy. On the worst day I can have, Im glad Im still here. Now that I have plans for the future and friends to be with me along the way, Im not scared anymore.
I believe in Karma....what you give is what you get returned........
Affirmation........Savage Garden
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ProfZodiac
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Likes it here |
Location: United States
Registered: August 2006
Messages: 115
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Okay, Jason. First thing I want you to do is to please take a deep breath. I know it sounds like a cliche, but it will help.
Second thing I want you to do is if you have even an inkling of reaching for those pills again to IM me. I am 20 years old, I may be a lot closer in age to you than a good fair number of the esteemed posters on this board. No offense to them, but if it helps you to talk to somebody who's only just older than you, feel absolutely free to do so. My Screen Name is published on this site, and I will be at my computer until midnight your time.
The third and final thing I want you to do is to distract yourself. Do your homework, stay on this website, watch TV. I don't care, just do not let yourself think about the situation.
Again, please, if you're in a rough spot, IM me and just say "it's Jason" so I know it's you.
Adam
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Where to start, I guess I start with family. There is the constant put downs about gays. Then there is the put downs on how I don’t do as good in school as I should. that I should have all A’s like my little sister. The latest thing is if I have a C in one class they will no longer pay for my collage. And there are other things they do. The add fear of if they find out who I am. The will kick me out. (Its not in my head I know with 100% that this is what will happen). Then there is school Have to be perfect for the family, home work studying. And normal stress that come with it. Then there is my arm. There is a good chance that I will not ever have full function. And if I have the surgery, which the doc says I real too young for that. Can cause all use of my arm to be lost if there is a complication. And cause of the arm I can never play a sport that I love really more than any thing else in the world.
Then there is the stress that comes with work. And then there is Brandon. There are a few others that I rather not bring up at the current time.
Working Out tend to help get my mind off things.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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I would no be here today if Amber did no grab my arm to stop me. A year ago, We where walking down the street to go get a coffee to cheer me up. We had to cross the street. I saw the bus speeding down the road with out even really thinking about I walk out to get right in front of the bus. When she grab me and pulled me back. A sec before the bus would have hit me. She asked what was wrong with me. I told her I forgot to look. But I want the bus to hit me so I cold have died. I not sure if I am grateful that she did that or not.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Take his advice. It's good advice. Choose him or whoever, but take his advice.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Hi Jason,
Well -- all these things are not, in themselves, terminal. There is nothing you mention there that has not been encountered by one of us at some stage (and in many cases, simultaneously).
Academic results aren't everything. Some people will tell you they are, especially if you are young. That's rubbish: unless you plan to enter a highly academic profession, what you do at college and school will likely have very little bearing on your eventual career. My own results were pretty rubbish at the point I left school: not a matter of conscious choice, but largely due to my extreme disorganisation and a mental disorder I had at the time. I then went to university for a short time, and found it almost intolerably awful. Instead, I worked for a couple of years in an internet company, which I enjoyed a great deal more. I went back to university a couple of years later -- on my own volition, I might add, though I appreciate I am lucky in that my parents are still supporting me -- and have still not found it fantastically wonderful. I do not think there is anything that is wonderful 100% of the time.
My situation does not map directly onto yours. But I assure you that over that period (from leaving school until about six months or a year ago) I was in a state of constant anxiety over my future. It never drove me to self-harm, but it did drive me to clinical depression. In retrospect, I am lucky to have come through it intact. If I had known at that point that I would make it through and out the other side I would have been a great deal happier. In your own case, rest assured, unless you give up at some stage along the way, you will come through it as well.
As for your homosexuality, I suppose the best thing to do is to keep quiet. It is not impossible to hide one's sexuality from other people -- there are at least half a dozen people here who managed until at least middle age. I managed it until I was at least 20 -- and that was, literally, out of fear that my friends would alienate me for it, that it would eventually come back to my parents. But if you're 19, then you are your own person and entitled to make your own choice.
Incidentally, you are 19, aren't you? I'm just a bit unsure how you could still be at school and yet not been to college yet. It may be a transatlantic thing -- something elementary I'm not getting.
Personally, I wish my left eye was not half-blind, but there's nothing I can do about it. Physical problems are (or should be) much less worrying than mental ones -- at least in that case you can talk to people about them without fear of them blaming you for them.
Have you considered talking to someone you know well about your depression? A therapist? A doctor? A family friend? A friendly family member? You do not need to bring up your homosexuality; if there are as many stressors as you say, it is hardly surprising that you're depressed. But, as I said, I do not see any of them as unsurmountable.
David
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Deeej wrote:
Incidentally, you are 19, aren't you? I'm just a bit unsure how you could still be at school and yet not been to college yet. It may be a transatlantic thing -- something elementary I'm not getting.
Yes I am 19 and when i say school I am talking about collage I guess I need to be more direct when talking. But on that if i don't do well in collage my parents willl do the same thing they did to my brother. They will kick me out of the house. stop paying for my car. No longer pay for me to go to collage.
and if that happens i would need at least two jobs to pay for it all.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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Hi Jason,
I see. Thank you.
These threats to throw you out -- are you sure that they have substance? At 19, would it not be possible for you to take out a loan and pay for your own education? After all, it's perfectly possible to go to college at a later stage without involving your parents at all if you want to.
Incindentally, I think the school thing is a transatlantic thing -- we don't call college or university school over here. School finishes at 18. Nor do we get regular grades, except as results for essays; and they are not generally revealed to parents (not by the university, anyway). I assume you are not living away from home? If not, if there is any possible way you could move out, even on an irregular basis, it might be very beneficial in that you would no longer have to toe the line quite so much.
David
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Deeej wrote:
> Hi Jason,
>...would it not be possible for you to take out a loan and pay for your own education?
Yes and no since I live with my parents. Their income counts and they make too much. For finical aide and I don't have the credit for the loan I need. Then there’s the car note insurance. Food, rent, utilities, gasoline, and medical bills for my meds.
And there treats hold real value they did it to my brother with one semester left to go.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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?
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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Think they might be related to my family?
I believe in Karma....what you give is what you get returned........
Affirmation........Savage Garden
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Well --
If everything they provide is worth having, and what they ask in return is that you get good grades -- then, there are two options: escape them completely and lose all that, which, presumably, you don't want to do; or knuckle down and do your best with the work. It depends how much more time you want to spend with your family, how much college matters to you, how reasonable you feel your family is being, and how reasonable they feel they are being. Perhaps they would be willing to compromise if you sat down and talked seriously about why you are doing it and where you hope to end up, making sure not to make any unreasonable demands or to demonstrate a defeatist attitude.
But I don't know your situation, nor your family.
I really have very little idea what you need to qualify for credit, but surely there must be people from poor families who successfully take out loans so they can pay their own way through university? In the UK just about anyone qualifies for government-run student loans, which are then repaid out of your income once you earn above a certain amount. Have you looked into that sort of thing, read up on the terms and conditions, talked to a bank?
David
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Yes i have for me to able to get a goverment loan I wold have to live by my self for over a year. it is done by house hold income. also I did not ask for 25,000 car a 12,000 would have done fine. but it my parents way of keeping me under there control. Like I said before they did the same thing to my brother. luck for him his car was just about paid off. (side note there is 7 years between us) And he had a friend hook him up with a good job in the feild oh his study and they paid for the rest of his school. sorry collage. The othere thing is I don't want to work. thats my parents doing also. I take 15 hours of school. pluse full time job. which by luck I full time but talked to my boss and got him to drop my hours from 40 to 30.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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No Message Body
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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I will say this i feel better after blowing up an old car yester day. and I do mean blowing it up. Its been a couple of weeks that I have not had time to hang with some of my friends.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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ProfZodiac
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Likes it here |
Location: United States
Registered: August 2006
Messages: 115
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The difference is that you're including FEC (Family's Expected Contribution) in what you're throwing in for your financial aid. If you're emancipated, don't live with them, aren't expecting them to contribute anything, you will get substantially more aid. It's just that you then have to do that - not live with them, expect nothing.
It's quite literally paying your own way through college.
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Not to be a wet mop. But, Parents insisting on certain achievements for there children (short of any type of abuse) are not unreasonable. If they provide the tuition, books, food, roof over your head, car insurance, clothes, medical, gasoline etc. etc.
My parents provided me all of the above with no demands for anything and sad to say I did the same with my children.
If anything C or better satisfies them that are not asking too much. If you achieve a C or better due to the threat of being thrown out into the snow. You have proved two things there stand works and that you can do it.
Gary
Navyone
And to ice the cake, I like my Tea with Lemon and Honey.
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No a B is not even really ok with them. But if I got a C that would be the End of the free ride. Cause of that I have drop more class then I really need to. I'm on my second year and need 10 more credits to be a sophomore.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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Hi Jason,
>The othere thing is I don't want to work.
If you cannot see any point in staying at college, then drop out and work full time. If you're already working full time, you should have more free time to plan your future. If you want to be in college (even if you don't actually enjoy it) then stick with it and do the best you can.
The problem is that it sounds like changing the status quo will cause a lot of upset in the short term. Neither staying (more work, more family conflict) nor quitting (serious family conflict) is an ideal solution. But nor is making no decision at all -- you say you are depressed, and there's no point in continuing like that either.
I was in exactly the same position a year and a half ago. In the end, I decided to stick with my degree. It was horrible at first, but things got easier and I am now two thirds of the way through.
David
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What I mean by that is I don’t want to work while I am in collage. I hardly have any time to do any thing but work and go to school come home and study. Then it starts all over again.
I am in class right now. Got 15 min left.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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Hmm.
Well -- it's up to you. You know the confines of your work, your college, your family.
Do your parents demand that you hold down a full-time job while being at university? If so, then they should not be surprised if you get an occasional C.
David
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Yes they do demand that I keep a full time job. But that would be an excuse if I could not work and keep high grades. They did, so I should also have to do it. Although I don’t think they had A’s and B’s thought out collage.
But there is a good side to this if I keep this job until this summer I will be come eligible for them to pay for 100% of my school. I would just have to pay for the books. Maybe then I will move out. I just need to find a roommate. And find out how I can pay for all my bills.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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I'm the first to admit I don't quite understand your situation. It sounds absurd to me for you to be at college and yet also have a full time job, not by choice. I am not surprised that you are stressed.
I think the important thing to remember is that, at 19, no-one can force you to do anything you don't want to. That doesn't necessarily help in the immediate short term, but it should certainly shape your longer-term decisions.
David
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I went to work early today and got his phone number and address. Now what should I do with them.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Two choices, really. Either eat them, or call him. "Hey, Brandon, thatwas a bummer, being fired. What happened?"
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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