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I don’t know haw much more I win the fight. And I don’t think I want lose the fight. But it is so hard to keep fighting. Help me I am so scared.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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perhaps you had better tell us what scares you
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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me
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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Of what I did. And what I might do. I am starting to lose the fight.
Took at least half the bottle of my meds tonight after I relized what I had just did. Iwent to the bathroom to throw up.
I am such a failer. Can not do any right. i am just a screw up
Why did she grab me. why did she not let me end up as raod kill. then i would not have had to suffer.
I just want this to end. the pain,saddness,emtyness. that is me. no one would even care if I am no more.
I hate this life, I hate me
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I'm glad you threw up. I'd have missed you.
I'm not sure you know this, but I have a son, now 21, and I could not bear it of he killed himself. I could not bear it of he were unhappy. He has been stressed over job related stuff recently and I suffered with him.
Let's look at why, please. Why did you take the meds?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Jason, the first thing is to pour that medicine down the lavatory. That will be a positive decision, the first to taking control of yourself.
Keep reading this MB. We care and we're not going to let you slip away.
Stop thinking of yourself all the time. There are other people in the world.
We all love you, so you're not unloved or alone. I know all this sounds harsh, but you need a radical rethink. Think that one day you are going to make a boy very happy, perhaps even save his life by doing so.
If you're thinking of me, just remember that I am giving you one big cyber-hug.
No apologies, but hugs
Nigel
I dream of boys with big bulges in their trousers,
Never of girls with big bulges in their blouses.
…and look forward to meeting you in Cóito.
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that just it i could not save him. and tore me up and that why walked infront of that bus.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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How never told him how i felt. i did not even get to say good bye. last time i talked to him was an e-mail. he told about his day and a new game he got. then nothing for two week. I thought i did some thing to him to make him mad.
sorry cant go too hard.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I am getting a little lost. I know you are upset right now. PLease breathe a long breath OUT, then 10 normal breaths, then another long OUT breath and 10 normal breaths, and repeat the double cycle 5 times. This will cleanse your lungs and allow you to start to relax.
Now tell me precisley what took place with "I could not save him". And remember we can not save others unless they wish to be saved badly enough to ensure that we have the chance to help them.
Any time you feel at breaking point, do the breathing. It is designed to restore the balance of blood gases. Breating IN takes care of itself, so I only want you to think of the outbreath.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I started shaking bad had to stop so it may take a wale to write all this out. Then I got e-mail from his mom. That stated he had hospitalized that it was his hart it was becoming weak. (He had a disease where his muscles would basically detriate as he aged.) And that he was hooked basically to every machine know to man to keep him alive. But it was not enough. And past away a few weeks later.
Sorry got stop again
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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just breathe out and tell us in your own good time. WHat was his name?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Never got say good bye to him. Have not even seen where he lays now. And hate my self every day for not at least going to his funeral. I just could not accept that he was gone.
We have been best of friends, since 5th grade. We spent almost all are time together. It was not until 6th grade that I realized that I was falling in love with him. I could talk to him about any thing, we would often go for walks and just talk. We would wind up not coming back until dark. I felt safe when I was with him. I felt I could do any thing with him, and do nothing wrong, or screw any thing up in his eyes. He gave a reason for living. I know he had some of the same feeling for me. He never told me, but I knew him well enough to know. I just did not want to accept that I was gay, and to tell him would make me gay. At the end of my 8th grade year I was told we where moving. It nearly killed me, but we made plans to talk every day. And we did every day after school on the phone or throw e-mail.
After he died is when my life stared to go to shit. I started to push my friend a way, and I lost a lot of them. It was not soon after. My only real reason for living was gone that everything start to over take me I could no longer deal with my parents, school, or any thing else for that matter. My Friend Amber came over one day and ask if I want to for a walk to clear my head. I said yes. We had to cross the street to get where we going. And that’s when I saw the bus, and walked out in front of it. She stopped me before the bus hit me. I whish she had not pulled me back.
Friday night I was going throw some old photos when I came across Allan and me in a photo. I had forgot him how could I have done some thing like that. I forgot him like he never existed. Well I did not total forget him but I have not really thought of in a long while. His death, and me not telling him how I felt has always eaten me up side all this time. And been a major stress for me subconsciously. But I can’t believe I forgot about him. How could I do some thing like that. And hate my self with a passion for forgetting him.
Scenes his death I have had nothing really worth living for.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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what makes things better is no one in my family has even noticed that i have no come out of room in almost 3 days
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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There are some simple things that can be done to solve many of these things.
First go to where he is. Talk to him, out loud, though he does know already. tell him how you felt safe with him, and how you miss him. And tell him why you never went to his funeral. Tell him you love him. Note the tense. The present tense. And tell him how you have nearly tried to kill yourself out of guilt and shame. And let him forgive you.
Second write a simople note to his family telling them that you know they expected you at the funeral, and how you would have gone but could not accept that he was dead. And simply apologise for not being there. A short note.
You never forgot him, you simply filed the pain behind a closed door before it was ready to be filed there. So thirdly tell us all about him.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I expect they have. But right now you need sleep, and then to act in the morning on positive things to break down the wall of grief you've surrounded yourself with.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Jason,
I cannot say I know you very well, but I know you a bit, having talked to you a few times on this board -- and I know that you do not want to kill yourself. If you did, you would not be posting here. Though it might not be as tangible as something said directly to your face, I am very worried about you and I know that many of the regulars here are as well.
The problem with depression is that if you give up, you will be missing out on everything that could go right for you in your life -- finishing college and getting out into the "real world", where you can be yourself and no longer have to worry about what your family thinks, and, most of all, finding yourself a partner, someone you can love and who will care about you.
I know it is absolutely awful now, but please don't give up. Listen to Timmy's advice. People's friends die all the time. It is terrible when it happens, but you can't blame yourself. It is not a sin to move on in one's life. But it does not sound like you have forgotten your friend at all -- otherwise you would not be so wracked by grief now! Transfer, for a moment, the grief that you feel now to those people you know -- if you could not save him, how must everyone else feel for not being able to save you? And that includes your friends, your family, all of us.
I do think you need to talk to someone in real life about this. Not family, necessarily, but someone who will be sympathetic and helpful. Someone who can give advice directly to your situation; of course, none of us know who you are or where you live, so we can only speak in generalities. There is no need to bring your sexuality into it if you do not want to. There seem to be many, many equally important things that are worrying you at the moment.
I am so worried about you. The greatest of hugs --
David
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but who.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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i dont think he could ever forgive for the one thing he asked me do. i could not even go see him while he was in the hospital. thats all he ever want me to do for him. and i failed. he gave up fighting cause of me. if only could hve went he still would be here today.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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I don't even know where he is.
I can’t bring my self to talk to his family after I abandoned him like that.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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to think about getting some professional help.....
Here you will find friends that understand but no one here is anywhere professional in psychological or psychiatric problems.....
You need someone to talk to and in the real world to boot.....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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I'm afraid I can't answer that, Jason. I don't know enough about you.
If there's no-one in your immediate circle of friends and family, is there someone in a position of responsibility you could talk to? Perhaps even someone you don't know, but who is sympathetic to people in a difficult position? Even an anonymous local-area telephone helpline?
Universities/colleges usually have conselling or at least supportive departments dedicated to things like depression. You're not alone. You don't have to take it, but they may be able to give specific advice pertaining to your situation. I would also be very surprised if they were not legally bound to confidentiality.
David
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I wholly agree with you. I want to make the point that this could be anyone from a competent grief counsellor to a professional who deals with psychological problems from a medical perspective.
The way to find out whom you need to see, in private, in confidence, and in your own time, is to talk to your family doctor.
Be clear. You are not nuts. You simply need some support right now. here is great, but add a professional to the peopole supporting you too
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I think Marc is right. Professional help does not necessarily mean going to a psychotherapist or a psychiatrist, but it does probably mean finding someone who has been trained in dealing with these sorts of situations.
See my reply to your "but who" post -- is there anyone at your college who may be able to help?
David
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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No. You had your own fears. This was just the one thing you could not do for him and that hurts.
It takes a great deal of courage to walk through the door of a hospital and visit a friend who is dying. It takes more than most of us have. But simply talk to him, in the open air, on a fine evening. Sit under a tree and talk and tell himn why you could not come. And ask him to forgive you.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I have a hug to offer you. They will forgive you even if they speak harsh words.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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i cant talk to my family doc. she lives one street over. and is good friend with my perants. thats the last thing i need is them to know
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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i'll try to find out
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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My family doctor was a family friend, too, andi was frineds with his sons and sailed with them. He kept friendship in one compartment and patients in another. The two never crossed over, there was no leakage.
To ensure confidentiality, especially since you are an adult, you can go and say "I need to have a consultation in complete comfidence. I absolutely do not want my family to know what we ill talk about."
A doctor cannot afford to gossip.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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You know how much we support you by the fact that we care enough to try to help you do the positive things to get you through this.
None of us wants ever to lose another friend by not acting when one is suicidal, or is discussing it.
[Updated on: Mon, 11 September 2006 15:01]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Good. A counselling service at college might well be an excellent place to start, as they would have experience of students and no direct contact with your parents.
Though -- as Timmy said, a decent family doctor will preserve confidentiality at all times, regardless of whether he or she is also a family friend. It might be different if you were under 18 (though in most cases, it would not be). But as you are an adult, it would be very unprofessional and possibly against the law for her to discuss anything you said with your parents without your consent.
My doctor was also my godfather. He never mentioned some of things I talked to him about to anyone, except where I specifically gave him permission. Doctors are much more aware of privacy laws than the general population, because they have to be.
David
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Jason,
All of our hearts and minds are with you. Lean on us. I have a grandson named Jason. He is a teenager and I hope I will be aware if he has problems.
Gary
Navyone
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Jason, I would miss you. My life would be diminished by the light of one star. I wish I could sit with you one night and talk and show you the scars that come from a feeling of utter worthlessness. Your not a failure, you succeeded in not going all the way. Your not weak, because it took courage and streighth to throw up and face yourself.
I believe in Karma....what you give is what you get returned........
Affirmation........Savage Garden
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Will
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Getting started |
Registered: September 2006
Messages: 8
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Hey Jason,
You were one of the first to help me. I haven't been here for a few days or I would have posted to you sooner. But maybe a few days ago I wouldn't have been able to. You see Jason, a few days can make a big difference. I have something to tell you that I did cause you guys gave me the strength to find a way to help myself. I found Mike's friends last name in the Year Book, then I found his ph. number,well his parents number. His name is Dave. I thought it would be better to talk tohim then try to talk to Mike's family.His parents told me he moved to college, but it's not too far. They took my number and gave it to him with a message from me. I thought he would never call me. I was wrong, he called Sunday night. he is a very cool guy. I felt so stupid, I had it all planned what I would say but I was so nervous. I asked if I could have his email and I would write. That was a lot easier. He called me right back and asked me to send a pic cause he didn't know me by name. We talked for a long time. He said the hardest part was Mike didn't trust him to be able to confide in him. He felt he let Mike down by not somehow letting him know he was there for him when he knew Mike was depressed about something.
He told me Mike once asked him if he knew who I was. That really shook me up, but made me feel good too. He comes home on weekends sometimes he promised to come this weekend so we can meet.
You see Jason how a few days can make a big difference. Give yourself some time and remember there is nothing wrong with how you are feeling right now. We go through bad times, and it really hurts and we get scared. i hate all those feelings too Jason. You told me you're my friend, that meant something to me. I want to tell you the same, you're my friend. We both have lost people we loved and hurt cause of it. Lets give each other a reason to live, to someday love again, cause we will. It doesn't seem like it now, but we will. Lets do one thing positive ,k. I'm going to tell my parents I'm sorry for the mean stuff I've said to them. Maybe you can call Amber. One step begins a journey, or something like that I read once.
I have lunch now, when you read this please post so I know you're ok. I will be back on tonight. Maybe we can email or chat too.
We can't help each other if we're not here. Please Jason, I need you
Your Friend
Will
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A journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step.
I believe in Karma....what you give is what you get returned........
Affirmation........Savage Garden
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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That is worth my best ever hug. Will, you are awesome.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Thanks, I'm happy I helped you. But as far as ok I'm not. I can't forgive my self for forgetting Allen.
I was reading throw some of my post and realized how little grasp of time I have.
The bus thing happened the summer be for my junior year. Allen died just be for school end that year.
And as for amber I was not mean to her and she has no idea I saw the bus and walk in front of it.
None of my friend knew about Allen.
I tend to keep my feeling bottled up inside.
If you ever need talk I here, for a long time I hope.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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Will
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Getting started |
Registered: September 2006
Messages: 8
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Hi Jason,
Thanks for posting. You know you didn't forget Allen. You have done nothing wrong and you know Allen would tell you the same. As time passes you won't always be thinking of Allen, that doesn't mean you forgot him. It just means you are moving on and that is a good thing. Right now yo uthink you are betraying Allen if he isn't always in your thoughts. But you know that we can't keep those we lose always with us in our thoughts.
We would never be able to heal otherwise. I hurt still too, but not living our life is not what Mike or Allen would want us to do. It's ok if you go days without thinking about Allen. His memory will be with you forever. He will always be a part of you. You had your reasons why you couldn't see him in the hospital. Now you hurt cause you think you hurt Allen. He loves you, he understands. If you don't think he does then you aren't giving your friend the credit he deserves. He loves you, you did nothing to change that. Don't allow your guilt to cloud the beautiful time you had together. Dave told me that everything happens for a reason. I been thinking about that a lot. All the stuff that is happening in yours and my life has brought us here to this forum to help each other. What brings 2 people to the same place. Just think of all the things that have to happen for 2 people to be at the same place in this huge world. We are here now so lets be friends and email and chat.
I sent you an email, I hope you write back.
Will
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Will
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Getting started |
Registered: September 2006
Messages: 8
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Thanks Timmy, you said before that you hoped I will be able to do for someone what you and the others did for me. I hope Jason will be ok. It still hurts, but helping Jason helps the healing I think. Is that why you said to not just come for advice but to help someone. You're a very smart guy. Dave was Mike's friend I wrote about in the poem Silent Love. I am feeling positive sinec we talked and I am really looking forward to meeting Dave on Saturday.
I got lucky the day I posted here.
Will
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Will
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Getting started |
Registered: September 2006
Messages: 8
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Forgot to include this short poem I wrote.
Stop and listen to your inner self
Many messages come into your head
Most of us cannot receive them
Too weighed down in our phyiscal realm
To hear what spiritual friends have to say
Most are messages telling of their love
Many are warnings to steer us away
From destructive paths we have chosen
Will
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I believe simply in paying it forward. I believed it before the rather sad movie, and I believe it now. I have always worked on the principle of "thank me by helping one other soul. If you help them, ask them the same. If you really want to thank me, help another, and then another."
Jason is responsible for his own actions and life. With friendship like yours he has a reason to remember to stay alive and safe. Should he walk under the next bus then his friends will be angry at him. And he realises that.
I think it will be a good meeting on saturday. Be prepared to cry hot tears of grief and be unafraid to cry them in front of Dave. It takes a real man to cry in public whatever the rednecks say.
I'm proud of you for so many reasons.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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