|
|
|
|
I was just thinking about some times we spent together. One thing made me laugh even though it feels like I hit wall at 40mph. we where sitting on the sofa watching TV and I fell a sleep. The next thing I knew there was a big ball of fur sitting on my lap. With dog breath in my face. He said I look cold. He thought that would be a good way to warm me up.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
What was the big ball of fur? A dog?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
golden retriever
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
 |
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
|
|
|
Tell us more.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
where do i start.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
ProfZodiac
|
 |
Likes it here |
Location: United States
Registered: August 2006
Messages: 115
|
|
|
The beginning is usually a very good place to start.
Forgive me for quoting Winnie-the-Pooh, and worse, for quoting the Disneyfied bastarded version of Milne's great works. But it fits.
I'll reiterate that I am almost always online, and you can feel free to IM me if you think talking to someone who knows where you're coming from might help.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
|
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
|
|
|
Or in the middle. But tell us. And let it stand as part of your apology, for it will serve that way very well indeed.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I am writing out before i post it so it will be one post.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Ok I lied.
Heres part of it.
We first meet in 5th grade first day of the year. I was assigned the seat next him. I don’t remember what he was trying to do but I knew from experience when I broke my arm (the left one the same one I have problems with now it’s just unlucky I guess.) That I hated the felling I got when someone did some thing for me without me asking for there help. I just sat there and look at him. He finally asks for help and I did help him. I will never forget what he said to me. “Thanks for not making feel disabled by just helping me. You made me feel like a normal person.” I told him I knew how feels for some one to do some thing you don’t want them to do. And about how I had broke my arm two years earlier. He than said “Hi my name is Allen.” I responded “I’m Jason, But you can call me Jay.” Back then we where in the same class all day. After about a week Allen ask if I would like to come over to his house after school. I said yes. And that was the begin of it all.
I guess I could describe him a little. Dirty Blond hair, deep blue eyes, glasses, pale god he need a tan back then. But we work on that later on. Round face no body fat that I ever saw. And I saw a lot. Not all but enough. Mostly when I helped Allen change his shirt. His personally. Well most call me shy, but he made me seam outgoing. He had a good sense of humor. The sweetest guy I knew.
I guess that’s good for now I starting not to be able to breath from crying.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
We first meet in 5th grade first day of the year. I was assigned the seat next him. I don’t remember what he was trying to do but I knew from experience when I broke my arm (the left one the same one I have problems with now it’s just unlucky I guess.) That I hated the felling I got when someone did some thing for me without me asking for there help. I just sat there and look at him. He finally asks for help and I did help him. I will never forget what he said to me. “Thanks for not making feel disabled by just helping me. You made me feel like a normal person.” I told him I knew how feels for some one to do some thing you don’t want them to do. And about how I had broke my arm two years earlier. He than said “Hi my name is Allen.” I responded “I’m Jason, But you can call me Jay.” Back then we where in the same class all day. After about a week Allen ask if I would like to come over to his house after school. I said yes. And that was the begin of it all.
I guess I could describe him a little. Dirty Blond hair, deep blue eyes, glasses, pale god he need a tan back then. But we work on that later on. Round face no body fat that I ever saw. And I saw a lot. Not all but enough. Mostly when I helped Allen change his shirt. His personally. Well most call me shy, but he made me seam outgoing. He had a good sense of humor. The sweetest guy I knew.
I guess that’s good for now I starting not to be able to breath from crying.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
cossie
|
 |
On fire! |
Location: Exiled in North East Engl...
Registered: July 2003
Messages: 1699
|
|
|
... I've read all of the posts on this thread and your original thread, and I agree with all the suggestions that your other friends have made.
I haven't joined in, because I am rarely on line except at around this time, but there IS one thing I'd like to add to what has already been said.
I think that it's pretty clear that you are suffering from clinical depression; it's by no means an unusual reaction to the emotional turmoil that you have been going through. It does follow that you should seek medical advice, and all that has been said about the obligation of confidentiality is true. Timmy's suggestion that - if you approach your family doctor - you should start by emphasising that you do not want your family to become involved seems a good idea. On the other hand, as Deeej suggests, you may be able to access medical support through your college.
It may be that talking to someone is enough to 'turn you round', but if medication is suggested, don't refuse it out of hand. There are lots of horror stories about anti-depressant drugs, but modern drugs such as Venlafaxine can make a lot of difference, even on a low dosage, and there is virtually no chance of addiction or of withdrawal problems when the treatment is completed. Of course, you'd probably want to hide the medication from your family, but you've obviously got enough intelligence for that! And, incidentally, I speak as someone who needs sufficient daily medication to keep the pharmaceutical industry in profit - but as a result I'm not merely sane but - so I'm told - perceptive and eloquent.
But the real reason I make this post is much more positive. I've known a lot of depressives - and many of them were in their late teens or early twenties. I've learned from experience to draw a distinction between those whose depression is wholly introverted - everything is someone else's fault - and those whose depression is based on self-reproach. You are very definitely in the latter category. That demonstrates that you have real concern for others. Maybe you feel that you should have acted differently in the past, but none of us are perfect. We all have human weaknesses, but I'd bet my last dollar that if, in the future, a close friend was seriously ill in hospital, you'd be there to support him. It's simply a matter of learning from your experiences. You have within you a deep sense of empathy with and sympathy for others who are suffering. You have the potential to make a positive difference to other people's lives. Most people are too selfish to do that. Don't - ever - let yourself forget that. You CAN make a difference; don't let a bout of self-pity make you feel otherwise.
For a' that an' a' that,
It's comin' yet for a' that,
That man tae man, the worrld o'er
Shall brithers be, for a' that.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
First of all a big hug.
I have not, until now, tried to give you any advice. This is because I truly believe that all the advice that you have been given by others is excellent advice and I really hope that you will take it to heart - especially what you have been told by Timmy, Marc, Deeej and Cossie. Until now I did not think that I had anything useful to add or contribute that would ease your burden - and you are carrying around in your head a very heavy burden.
In your most recent posts to the message board, however, you said a couple of things that gave me reason to think that maybe there was some help that I should offer.
You say that you are shy; and you say that you could not bring yourself to visit Allen when he was dying in hospital. I think the two things are connected. I, too, am very shy. I, too, find it very difficult to bring myself to visit people in hospital and I try to get out of it (with all sorts of weird and unconvincing excuses) whenever I can. For the same reason I really hate being in crowds, especially celebrations (like a wedding) and large family gatherings. For professional reasons I have had to force myself to overcome that acute shyness, but sometimes it still leaves completely inept socially.
In many respects I know my own worth - intellect, creativity, auctoritas etc. But as far as my assessment of myself as a person goes I have very low self-esteem. I think that that is what makes me so shy, so diffident: I can never imagine that people see anything in me (even when I know that people often look up to me almost in awe).
I was never been able to go up to a guy to whom I was attracted and try to become friends, because I was so afraid of rejection; and because I have an enormous ego rejection would be devastating.
I think that you are rather like me. You couldn't bring yourself to visit Allen when he so wanted you to because he was in a hospital: I so understand that. You could not bring yourself to tell Brandon that you would like to be friends: I so understand that.
But, Jason, you have your whole life ahead of you, and it can be a life full of contentment and even singular achievement if you can just force yourself to take a simple step. (And this is not in place of the wonderful advice that the others have given you, but in addition to it.)
This is something that you described:
He than said “Hi, my name is Allen.” I responded, “I’m Jason, but you can call me Jay.” ... After about a week Allen asked if I would like to come over to his house after school. I said yes. And that was the beginning of it all.
Listen to what Allen did - and now do the same! Call Brandon. Say, "Brandon, this is Jason. Can I come over and see you after work, please?" Or something like that. Don't put it off, Jay, because if you do you will never do it. Do it now! Now, Jay!
You have no way of knowing what Brandon's response will be: it may be positive and it may be negative. Allen had no way of knowing what your response would be: he just asked you to be his friend in the most simple way. I think that you told us that episode because it is still vivid in your mind. It's almost as if Allen is saying to you: "Don't be an idiot. Pick up the phone and call Brandon. Please do it." Because, Jay, if you don't conquer your diffidence and dare to initiate the exchange with Brandon you will never forgive yourself the opportunity lost.
I am so sorry that I have couched my advice with such personal revelations about myself. It was not to overwhelm you but to encourage you. I am forty-five years older than you, so I know what I am talking about (I think). When I was 18 I fell hopelessly in love with a young man. However, he was as straight as they come. But we have been firm friends for years - for forty-six years to be exact. Every day I thank God for his friendship.
Jay, do yourself a favour: call Brandon. Now!
A huge bear hug, a slap on the shoulder and a push towards the telephone.
JFR
The paradox has often been noted that the United States, founded in secularism, is now the most religiose country in Christendom, while England, with an established church headed by its constitutional monarch, is among the least. (Richard Dawkins, 2006)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
|
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
|
|
|
I echo this. I am also painfully shy, though you would never know it to meet me. I was too afraid to take my chances. I took none of them, and I have always been in pain because of it.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Skipping to 6th grade. Its funny thinking back to how protective I was of him. We became close friends fast. His family was not all too happy at how close we where becoming. They later told me that they feared that I was not a real friend but some one be friend him out of petty. And stop coming over after a short while. they have seen it happen before. And he was crushed when it happened. I can’t help but feel that is just what I did, not the be friend out of petty but stopped being his friend. And I did. But back to him. It is around this time that started are walks and just talking about every thing and nothing. To think back he really be the person that I would openly talk about me feeling with. Not many people know me the real me. Not the shell that ware to keep people at bay. He once told me that I was a completely different person when no one really around. And he is right. I found that out last night at work. I came to the conclusion that it would help me get my mind of the sadness. Not really but if you saw me you never be able to tell. You would think I was one oh the happiest people in the world. I going to call in sick today thow, Once again. But one good thing did come out of it. I got a job offer from a customer. To help at his engineering firm. By the way I am going back and forth between an Electrical and computer engineering dual degree, or Information systems degree. With a master in biz. Allen want a Information systems degree.
Sorry will write more this after noon have to go to class.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I did not mention this other day. Cause I felt a little nuts. But I went for a walk and just talked in my head to him I just wish he was there to ans back. I went back to a walk we had once when I really down. It was just after my grandmother had died. he asked on simple thing of me. He said no mater how sad I get that I would never do any stupid. And I told I promise. But I almost broke that promise the other day but now my reason for life is not to beak that second promise. But never again.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
|
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
|
|
|
Just keep that promise never to harm yourself, please
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
At the risk of hijacking the thread I read JFR's post with interest as so much of it could apply to me.
I wonder how many of us on this MB it describes. On the one hand we can be so imbued with our self-image that we don't see the true image as seen by others; on the other we can create for ourselves a cyber-image which is very different from the real thing. I know I do that because it's a way of dealing with things that have gone wrong in the past such as decisions, lifestyle, and in some ways I can be truer to myself because of the anonymity the internet gives.
Hugs
Nigel
PS I've had two phone calls while writing this and lost my train of thought. I hope it makes sense.
I dream of boys with big bulges in their trousers,
Never of girls with big bulges in their blouses.
…and look forward to meeting you in Cóito.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
|
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
|
|
|
No Message Body
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I realy did mean to write that after noon but could not bring my self too.
But I am taking some of the advice I Looked up Night before last night on the web to see if I could find Him. and I did in the obituary of the towns news paper. I cryed for while, but then came to the conclution that I need to go. I leave in three weeks I hope. Don't know if I can realy go throw with it thow. But I am trying.
But I think I am Ok now Good nor bad but OK.
May be I will write more about him later but not now.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
cossie
|
|
On fire! |
Location: Exiled in North East Engl...
Registered: July 2003
Messages: 1699
|
|
|
... but if you CAN go through with a visit I think it will probably help you a lot. You are in our thoughts.
For a' that an' a' that,
It's comin' yet for a' that,
That man tae man, the worrld o'er
Shall brithers be, for a' that.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
|
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
|
|
|
When you go you will cry. Crying hot tears of grief is a manly thing to do. real men cry well, though not, I think, easily.
So you will go. And you will start to make the peace with him that you need to make.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
Goto Forum:
|
] 
A Place of Safety
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
