|
|
|
|
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
The road to success is always under construction.
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Work is fine if it doesn't take up too much of your time.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Born free; Taxed to death.
Everyone has a photographic memory; some people just don't have film.
Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
Smile - it makes people wonder what you're up to.
I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
The hardest part of skating is the ice.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; the guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
The trouble with being punctual is that there's no one there to appreciate it.
If the constitution allows us free speech, why are there phone bills?
If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure.
Beat the 5 o'clock rush: leave work at noon!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Someday is not a day of the week.
When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
The paradox has often been noted that the United States, founded in secularism, is now the most religiose country in Christendom, while England, with an established church headed by its constitutional monarch, is among the least. (Richard Dawkins, 2006)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
jack
|
 |
Likes it here |
Location: England
Registered: September 2006
Messages: 304
|
|
|
emmmmm great.
life is to enjoy.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
CHURCH BULLETINS
Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight is "Searching for Jesus".
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir with sing, "Break Forth Into Joy".
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be cycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn signing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associatiate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campagin slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
(From my e-mails)
I dream of boys with big bulges in their trousers,
Never of girls with big bulges in their blouses.
…and look forward to meeting you in Cóito.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Nigel, thanks. Some of these are very old, but they still have the power to make me laugh out loud until tears come into my eyes. And that is very healthy.
The paradox has often been noted that the United States, founded in secularism, is now the most religiose country in Christendom, while England, with an established church headed by its constitutional monarch, is among the least. (Richard Dawkins, 2006)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I'm not usually in the habit of recommending books randomly, especially those that are long out of print, but I have a copy of Private Eye's Bumper Book of Boobs and I heartily recommend it to anyone. It is full of real press clippings from the sixties and seventies. It's hysterically funny.
You can buy it second hand on Amazon. At just a couple of pounds including delivery, it's really worth it.
http://tinyurl.com/gnawu
and
http://tinyurl.com/pdzbc
(different editions)
David
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
It's funnier than just a list of funny sentences, as you have verification that these are real. Some are evidently puns from sub-editors, but some are the most inadvertent howlers. There is even a clipping from The Wykehamist, my school's magazine -- though I can't actually see anything funny about it. I'd appreciate it if someone could explain it to me!
David
|
|
|
|
|
Goto Forum:
|
] 
A Place of Safety
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
Re: Some of these are quite droll 
