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Here are some questions I found that were really and truly fielded by staff in some of Britain's Tourist Information Centres. From these maybe we can learn how much (or how little) the average non-Brit knows about Old Blighty.
Are there any lakes in the Lake District?
Is Wales closed during the winter?
In what month is the May Day demonstration?
What is the entry fee for Brighton?
Can I get to Jersey any other way apart from sea or air travel?
Why on earth did they build Windsor Castle on the flight path of Heathrow?
What Tube line runs to Edinburgh?
Is Edinburgh in Glasgow?
What time of night does the Loch Ness monster surface and who feeds it?
Perhaps, as our resident Scot Cossie can answer the last question. And since he lives not too far, maybe Timmy can answer the question about Windsor Castle.
J F R
The paradox has often been noted that the United States, founded in secularism, is now the most religiose country in Christendom, while England, with an established church headed by its constitutional monarch, is among the least. (Richard Dawkins, 2006)
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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It was either build it there, or near Gatwick 
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Aussie
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Really getting into it |
Registered: August 2006
Messages: 475
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Those same dumbo's came to Oz for the 2000 Sydney Olympics
Sydney 2000 Info Line
Here are some of the classic questions being asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and some answers that may be appropriate.
* I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true and if so, can you send me pictures of the available ones? [Italy]
(Sure, there's only 8 million of them.)
* I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I turn blue? [Germany]
(More likely brown, considering the effluent...)
* Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? [UK]
(Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower...)
* Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? [USA]
(Depends on how much beer you've consumed...)
* I plan to take some day trips during the Olympics. Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? [Germany]
(Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.)
* I want to walk from Perth to Sydney for the Olympics - can I follow the railroad tracks? [Sweden]
(Sure, it's only seven thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a year and a half ago to get there in time for the Games...)
* Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? [Sweden]
(And accomplish what?)
* It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. [Italy]
(I'm not touching this one...)
* My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let her in? [South Africa]
(Why? We do have toilet paper here...)
* Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? [UK]
(No, and we use shells for money too.)
* Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? [Portugal]
(???)
* Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? [UK]
(Depends if you get an ugly one or not...)
* Can I bring cutlery into Australia? [UK]
(Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...)
* Do you have perfume in Australia? [France]
(No. Everybody stinks.)
* Do tents exist in Australia? [Germany]
(Yes, but only in sporting goods stores, peoples' garages, and most national parks...)
* Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? [France]
(Yes. At Christmas.)
* Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? [Germany]
(Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.)
* Are there killer bees in Australia? [Germany]
(Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.)
* Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? [USA]
(What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?)
* Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? [Germany]
(A blonde?)
* Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. [USA]
(Rattlesnakes? There is only serum for the Funnel Web and Red-Back Spiders. You will need to contend with White-Tail Spiders, Brown, Tiger and Red-Belly Black snakes, sharks, Red Kangaroos, Blue-ringed Octopuses and the 3am pub closing time/taxi change-over.)
* Which direction is North in Australia? [USA]
(Face North and you should be about right.)
* Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? [USA]
(Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.)
* I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. [USA]
(Another blonde?)
* I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? [USA]
(From Liz Taylor, perhaps?)
* Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? [Italy]
(Yes. Outdoors.)
* I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? [USA]
* Will I be able to speak English most places I go? [USA]
(Yes, except in America.)
Aussie
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The way I heard it, it was an American tourist who asked a tour guide, as a 747 roared overhead on its descent into London Heathrow, "Why did they build Eton so close to the airport?"
(Eton, of course, is one of the best-known, but not, of course, the best, British private schools, established in 1440. It's also right next to Windsor, so perhaps the same tourist hopped across the river and asked again, not having been given a straight answer the first time.)
This anecdote is slightly more amusing for a Wykehamist, because of course Eton is only a rather new institution and therefore it is perhaps forgiveable that a foreigner was mixed up...
David
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i think just about anyone working in customer service jobs have stories like these to tell
my two personal favourites, from working in Coca Colas National Call Centre are the people asking us about Pepsi and Nescafe and Cadbury's, and people saying they've lost money in a vending machine, but can't give us any more precise information about where the machine is, other than, the London Underground, somewhere....
Never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.
Odi et amo: quare id faciam, fortasse requiris.
Nescio, set fieri sentio et excrucior
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>* Can I bring cutlery into Australia? [UK]
>(Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...)
... I wouldn't call that a silly question any more -- these days if you take cutlery on board a flight the plane's likely to be diverted and you'll be clapped in irons as a terrorist.
David
[Updated on: Tue, 02 January 2007 19:37] |
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Aussie
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Really getting into it |
Registered: August 2006
Messages: 475
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But it was the year 2000 before the terrorist thing was in full swing. Anyway we do use fingers for pizza and fish and chips....the staple diet.
Aussie ;-D
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Well, evidently that British person had remarkable powers of preemption. Truly a man (or woman) before his (or her) time...
>Anyway we do use fingers for pizza and fish and chips....the staple diet.
Has the curry house not made it to Oz yet? Curry has supplanted fish and chips as the British person's junk food of choice. Eat that with your fingers at your peril -- you'd never get it off (or the food, either). Oh, and the same goes for Chinese as well -- though the stuff we get here consists mainly of orange goo in mandatory aluminium and cardboard boxes, and presumably bears very little resemblance to anything that ever came out of China...
David
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Aussie
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Really getting into it |
Registered: August 2006
Messages: 475
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Hi deeej
No curry is harder to find here than in UK, mores the pity. It's my favourite food. Wouldn't like to export a few shops would you? Preferably only the clean ones, some are a bit of a worry. Easier to get crocodile pies here. We are still into fish and chips, but mainly shark in Victoria.
They won't have a bar of it in NSW though. Don't think they like eating their surfies (well not after they have been processed through a shark)
Aussie  )
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cossie
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On fire! |
Location: Exiled in North East Engl...
Registered: July 2003
Messages: 1699
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... after all, we Scots pretty much have a monopoly in the fields of intelligence and academic brilliance!
Now, where was I? Oh yes, the Loch Ness Monster. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint a potential tourist, but I'm afraid that the Loch Ness Monster never feeds at night. She operates only during the tourist season (Easter to 31 October) between 6.00.a.m. and 10.00.p.m., with a shift-change at 2.00.p.m. The Monster herself does not actually feed at all, but the guys who sit inside and operate her get meal vouchers from the Scottish Tourist Board. I am afraid that I do not have any information about where or when these vouchers are used.
Do you have any other questions about our wonderful country? I realise from your manifest ignorance that you are probably Welsh; please be assured that despite our Celtic connections we Scots are absolutely nothing like you. If you visit Scotland, there is a serious possibility thay you might enjoy yourself; you may therefore feel that it would be less of a health risk to spend your holiday in Aberystwyth, where you will find life-forms stranger than anything Loch Ness has to offer.
Yours, etc
Robert Bruce MacCossie
Chief Executive
Royal Scottish Society for the Abolition of Wales.
For a' that an' a' that,
It's comin' yet for a' that,
That man tae man, the worrld o'er
Shall brithers be, for a' that.
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i like that society....
Odi et amo: quare id faciam, fortasse requiris.
Nescio, set fieri sentio et excrucior
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