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Its been a while since the last time i was here. I used to frequent this site about a year ago when i had more time to do these things. Here i am, back again, i guess looking for some answers. I know reading the wonderful stories on this site had helped me a lot. However, this time i want to try the forum.
Just a few things to clarify. First of all, please excuse my English as it is my second language. Second, i'm 19 years old so experience is something i lack of. Finally, i'm just looking for suggestions, ideas, anything that might help me find the answers i'm looking for.
A little background story.... I been dating a guy for the last 7 months, which might not be a long time for some of you. We have become rather close, or at least, i would like to think so. We talk all the time, hang out when we can, and of course, we have our disagreements from time to time.
Problem... over the past few months a lot of things have changed. he has made a lot of future plans for 'US'. He has become obssesed with me to the point that he is afraid of losing me and will do anything to keep me around. Honestly, it scares me. All of the sudden i lost control of the situation. I like him, i wish to work out things with him. But sometimes i'm not sure i want to continue. He is a very nice person; i'm afraid to break his heart.A Few days ago, he confessed i was the only person that intimidated him, which for me, sounds strange. I guess since i tend to hold my feelings in and when i explode, i do it with full force and bad things happen.
I know there is something wrong here.............
anybody can do some psychoanalysis?????
Miguel
p.s probobly didn't do a good job explaining myself. i'm trying to figure things out myself. If anybody has a question, i'll be happy to answer. I know talking about this will help.
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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When we love deeply we do become scared of losing people. Perhaps we start to smother them, then.
What frightens you about his love for you? Can you write it down?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy wrote:
> What frightens you about his love for you? Can you write it down?
that i might not be able to return it with such intensity. i'm young, my life is just starting. currently, i work full time, i also go to school full time; time is very limited for me. the rest of the time i try to devot it to him. friends are literally non-existant. i honestly don't know how much i'll be able to sacrify in order to keep our relationship alive. i'm also scare for him because his whole life is starting to revolve around me. i love the fact he thinks of me, makes me feel wanted, makes feel secure that i have someone to fall back on. However, at the same time, i don't want him to limit his dreams and miss opportunities that probably won't come back again. i told him i would follow him as far as i can go. but i can only go soo far. now, this is where i'm struggling. i don't know the balance between trying to complete my dreams and whether i should sacrify certain things in order to stay with him.
i appreciate everything he has done for me. almost seems like he is too good to be true. i'm afraid i'll screw it up in one way or another. i don't want to be the bad guy in the story.
but please, don't get me wrong. i do have feelings for him. he is amazing and we have had some unforgettable moments. never felt like it up to this point in my life. i don't want to let him go that easy because i know if we are able to figure things out, eventually our lives will combine to form one. in fact, i like him soo much, i don't want to break his heart because of my stupidity. i just want the best for him and sometimes i feel i'm on the way.
starting to make sense??? i hope so.
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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Well I can say from the viewpoint of looking back on my life and seeing my regrets that I do know what you are saying. We all will have some kind of regret about making this decision or that one, but it is not something we should dwell on too much. None of us is perfect so we cannot know what will happen if we do this or do that. I think you have to go with what your heart is telling you to do.
If both of you will sacrifice to be with each other, then this will work out but you both need to talk about those dreams you have. And, (a place where I sometimes seem to fall down a bit) you have to listen to what the other guy is saying too. But communication is the key to it all. Be sure he knows you like him a lot and that you believe he likes you too. Tell him that it would really make you hurt a lot to know you have done anything to hurt him; and at that point I would expect you to hear about the same thing from him.
You both have to give each other some time alone; you will find that to be true no matter straight or gay. I know many happily married couples and they dont always do EVERYTHING together. Guys go out bowling without their wives and wives go out to be with their freinds too. Someone already pointed out how easy it is to smother the other person with loving them.
The key is to talk to each other about it and hopefully noone misunderstands that it is not an attempt to part company. A good hug can mend a lot of hurt feelings if there are any.
Ken
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BTW, if that avatar is your actual picture, I can see why he doesnt want to lose you. Just oggling by a dirty old man........................lol
Ken
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Hi Miguel, welcome back.
I think that there are others here who are much better qualified to relate to your situation than I am.
One piece of wisdom that I have acquired during my life is that love demands and inspires the ability to be prepared to 'let go' if the situation requires it. By 'let go' I mean that one should not expect one's demands and needs always to be fulfilled, because the other may not be able to meet that demand.
One other thing that may help: it is better to keep a close friend for life and to lose a lover if that is the choice.
I am sure that others here will disagree with me, and that's OK.
Bueno suerte,
J F R
The paradox has often been noted that the United States, founded in secularism, is now the most religiose country in Christendom, while England, with an established church headed by its constitutional monarch, is among the least. (Richard Dawkins, 2006)
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Let me see if I can help you look at this so thatit is not frightening:
> that i might not be able to return it with such intensity.
You do not need to. he loves you for what you are, not what you feel you should be.
> i'm young, my life is just starting. currently, i work full time, i also go to school full time; time is very limited for me. the rest of the time i try to devot it to him. friends are literally non-existant. i honestly don't know how much i'll be able to sacrify in order to keep our relationship alive.
Does he want you to sacrifice any of this? If I put myself in hi sposition, if I am in love with you it is all of you I love. that is the yong man who is busy, has a hectic schedule and ambitions. Nothing would make me try to make you change. You are a whole person, not a "cardboard cutout cute kid". Whole people have lives.
> i'm also scare for him because his whole life is starting to revolve around me. i love the fact he thinks of me, makes me feel wanted, makes feel secure that i have someone to fall back on. However, at the same time, i don't want him to limit his dreams and miss opportunities that probably won't come back again.
And what if you are his dream? Would you deny him that, since you feel for him, too? Much of this is his decision, and trying to decide for him is unfair to him and unfair to you.
> i told him i would follow him as far as i can go. but i can only go soo far. now, this is where i'm struggling. i don't know the balance between trying to complete my dreams and whether i should sacrify certain things in order to stay with him.
Your dreams are important. Accomplish them. If you are important to him then he will also walk your road with you. If he is part of your dream you will show him how to walk with you and also accomplish his dreams
>
> i appreciate everything he has done for me. almost seems like he is too good to be true. i'm afraid i'll screw it up in one way or another. i don't want to be the bad guy in the story.
If you screw up and he loves you then he will forgive you and understand.
> but please, don't get me wrong. i do have feelings for him. he is amazing and we have had some unforgettable moments. never felt like it up to this point in my life. i don't want to let him go that easy because i know if we are able to figure things out, eventually our lives will combine to form one. in fact, i like him soo much, i don't want to break his heart because of my stupidity. i just want the best for him and sometimes i feel i'm on the way.
If you are in the way, he will be the judge of that. That is his decision, not yours.
>
> starting to make sense??? i hope so.
Perfect sense. I wonder if my answers also make some sense for you. I hope so. They may not be "right", but they should simply let you see it differently.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Edman
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Getting started |
Location: USA
Registered: January 2007
Messages: 8
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What JFR says is true (see some people actually agree with you). However there is something else to look at. Some people need to be in control (sometimes refered to as a control freak), they control everything therefor they control you. Not only will they smother you but you will feel like a prisoner. Be careful, if this is happeneing get out of the situation.
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Hi Miguel,
I don't know you, so I thought I ought to say hello.
I don't know that I can be a huge amount of help here, as I've not been in your position; in fact, I've never been in a relationship. The following is simply what I would assume (in my naivety?  ) to be the best course of action and it's not based on past experience.
I don't think it's in any way abnormal not to want to feel committed to a long-term relationship at the age of 19. In fact, to meet someone in your teenage years and to spend the rest of your life together with that person would be unusual.
My suggestion is that you should be as open as you can possibly be: in other words, you should sit down and discuss your worries together. If your boyfriend truly loves you then he will be prepared to make concessions; if not, then his love for you is a bit selfish (though understandable). In either case, it is much better to have your concerns 'out in the open', for if they are not, it is likely that they will start to force you apart anyway. If you have not addressed them before they do, then I would have thought that that is likely to break his heart a great deal more than being entirely honest with each other at all times.
Good luck, and best wishes. I do hope that you find a solution.
David
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Welcome back, Miguel!
You are obviously a very considerate person, and you don't want to hurt the boy you're dating. Your uncertainty may be just that - you want to do the right thing - and you're not sure whether that's what you're doing just now.
I agree with Deeej. The two of you should talk.
You don't tell how old your friend is. Age doesn't necessarily matter, but it may, especially if you feel that he is the dominant part of your relationship, and that there is now a situation which has left you cornered. The first thing I find slightly worrying is that he seems to be making a lot of future plans for the two of you without involving you in the process. Secondly, you are not sure if you want to continue, which is understandable if you have a feeling that you are no longer in control of your own life.
You say that your boyfriend is a very nice person, and I'm sure he is. That's probably why you fell for him. But some people are so eager to please their friends that they forget that their friends are human beings, who need to have a say. Maybe you haven't told him this, since you don't easily expose your own feelings, but he needs to know. If he likes you, and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, he is going to listen carefully to what you have to say.
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well thank you to all of you that answered. it does help a lot to hear different opinions.
i'll try to address some keep points all of you mentioned.
first of all, he is 18 and i'm 19. only a few months apart. He is just finishing high school and has plans to attend college in the same city. i moved out from house and i'm pretty much on my own. i have a full time job just to survive and pay for my bills. while i don't exactly have my 'own' place; i rent a room from a girl i work with. so i have taken some big steps already. There are many things i worry about other than just him.
Our communication has deteriorated a lot over the past few months or so. We used to talk a lot. we still talk often but now is full of misunderstandings. eventually either one of us gets fustrated and it goes down hill from there. i told him a lot of personal things which appearantely scared him. he is afraid anytime i might get tired of him and i will leave him. his fear is also fuel by a problem we had a while ago , in which, i completely lost it and said a lot of hurtful things. he's afraid it might happen again.
last night we had a conversation. he confessed to me i was the only person that intimidated him. he feels i'm the one that controls him and he follows me around. as a result he ends up doing what he feels will make feel good or not angry. it bothers me a lot when he thinks that way because i want just the opposite. i want him to be himself with me. i want him to trust me. i don't want the drama.
This is what i say for now. Time is againts me as i'm at work and i have to go back.
Any other input will help.
Also i would like to mention that due to lack of friends, a lot of times, i feel lonely. I wish i had a mentor, someone older to guide me in the right path.
P.S That is not me in the avatar. I'm hispanic i look very different. I have not logged in to this account in a long time, i don't even remember why i put it there on the first place.
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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Hey Miguel, I understand about the picture and figured it was probably not the real you, but I can dream can't I? Anyway I am sure you must be attractive to your b/f or he would not be around. I imagine you find him attractive also so that is sort of the usual.
When I read your last post I think that maybe you do see that it is the most important thing for the two of you to talk about how you feel and make sure that neither of you are trying to control the other person. If you talk about this more I am sure it will resolve itself. Like Deeej says, "you should be as open as you can possibly be: in other words, you should sit down and discuss your worries together." That is my advice also and Deeej also pointed out that you guys are both young and have your whole lives ahead of you so it is hard to see you commit to each other for a "lifetime". Of course those relationships have occured so dont rule it out.
I would like also to give some advice based on my years on the planet, which at least give me some leave to make it. I think that many people are looking for the 'perfect' relationship; one where there are no problems and it is all happy all the time. In normal life, be it gay or straight, that just never seems to happen. Ask any couple you know (straight in this case) who you know have been so happily married for years and years and they will tell you it is just not all it is percieved to be. There are always some areas of disagreement or just some problems that occur in life that cannot be avoided. Maybe there is disease or a death of a child. Loss of a job or an accident. Life is not going to be perfect as we are not perfect, so it will be as happy as you make it in your mind. Treasure what you can have and dont be so worried about what is just out of reach. Believe in each other to be trying to be the perfect person in your dreams and it will work out somehow.
Ken
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> it bothers me a lot when he thinks that way because i want just the opposite. i want him to be himself with me. i want him to trust me. i don't want the drama.
A healthy relationship is based on two people who can be themselves, who trust each other and are not scared or worried about what the other may do tomorrow. I, too, would have been worried if the man I was dating suddenly told me that I intimidated him, or that he felt controlled by me.
Your friend obviously wants to be close to you, and is making plans for a future together with you. At the same time he is afraid that you may get tired of him. Is his fear unfounded, or are you in fact getting tired of him? What do you actually mean by saying "I want him to be himself". Does that imply that you don't appreciate his attempts to make you feel good? What do you do to make him feel good?
If you were to tell him the bare truth, would you then say, "I'm not sure I want to continue." ?
I believe these questions are essential ones, and if you don't know the answers, you should find them pretty fast, for his sake, and for yours.
I have a feeling that you are a very kind person, and that doing something that hurts your friend is the last thing you would want to do. However, there is something that tells me that while you wish to work things out with him, you may not want to go on being his lover. But you don't want to break his heart, because breaking someone's heart is never easy.
I admit that the ideas I've got into my head may be totally wrong, and that you do want to continue, and so does he. But it's apparent that you two need to work on your relationship, to get rid of doubt, uncertainties and misunderstandings, but that's also a lifelong task.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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It sounds to me as though you need a long, quiet (emphasis on quiet) conversation about why you love each other, and what you need from each other. The hard thing is to do this without emotion, but you have to try.
If, at the end, you decide that it is not going anywhere, that is as good an outcome as a stronger bond between you both.
The main thing is to talk about how you feel. Not "this is going wrong", more "When this happens this is what it makes me feel". Feelings are not right or wrong, they are how you feel.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Well thank you for all the responses. I appreciate them
Sailor... your questions are questions i have asked myself many times. The answer i always come up with is that i want to continue. It is something i'm sure of because he is a great person and losing him would be a great loss.
Before i came to this messageboard i told him i wanted some answers because i wanted to be sure my feelings were not unusual. Deep down inside i felt sad i was having those thoughts even though i knew how he felt for me. I felt unable to get my point across without some help. I didn't want him to get the wrong idea and continue freaking out that one day i might just end it. That is why i came here.
So what i did. I printed out all the replies i got here, along with what i had written, and showed it to him. We both read it together and talked about things. Which is what all you suggested in the first place. Having different points of views helped to see things clearly. Thank you all.
I would never want to let him go that easy. i just want things to be ok. we have a long way to go and i know this is just the beginning. I don't want to be experiencing these deep feelings when i know there is a lot more to know. I just want to take it one step at a time and enjoy the ride.
Not to brag but he is gorgeous. Totally HOT!!!! I'm not just saying it because i'm with him and i like him. Even my mom thinks he is HOT. She always said i knew how to pick them . When we go out i know guys look at him and i'm so proud i have him. I don't know what he sees in me but dispite everything he choses to be with me. Above all, he is a beautiful person on the inside and i love him for that. Good looks also don't hurt at all.
One last thing to say... i'm staying with him. period.
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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I am glad to hear you two guys sat down and talked. I am sorry to say I didnt think of doing what you did, but I think it was a great idea. I am sure it gave you both a way of talking about your relationship and it sounds like it probably made it a lot stronger.
Keep us all up to date on how it is going and I wish you both well. If you ever get the desire to visit Minnesota (come in the summer please) I would be happy to show you around. Of course summer also includes those little pesky mosquitos, but also those cute boys are in shorts then too.
Hugs to you both!!
Ken
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What you two have done is wonderful!
Yes, this is just the beginning, and all who have spent years together with another person know through experience that a good relationship doesn't come for free. I wish the best of luck to both of you!
Do keep telling everyone how great he is, and don't forget to let him know, too, every now and then!
Cheers!
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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That's the benefit of a place like this. None of us is right, necessarily, but the things we say can be agreed with and disagreed with. Taking that further to print this out and talk together is an awesome idea. It let the conversation be based on other people, and depersoanlised it entirely. If anyone was to be the bad guy, we were. Good call
There is a small favour, if you will. There is a young man positing here who seems in despair. His life is in a mess sincel he started to tell his friends that he is gay. Please look in on that thread and share what you are able to of your life with him. Right now he needs a concrete example of hope.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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