|
|
cossie
|
 |
On fire! |
Location: Exiled in North East Engl...
Registered: July 2003
Messages: 1699
|
|
|
I am posting this as a new thread because it is very important to me. Very important indeed.
First, let me clear up the ‘Sam’ issue. David, I knew who you were (though admittedly I didn’t know what your middle initial ‘L’ stood for!), but I referred to you as ‘Sam’ for one reason and one reason alone – I had neither right nor reason to infringe your anonymity. Nevertheless, I am glad that you have chosen to identify yourself. Why ‘Sam’? Well, starting with your own name I first thought of Jonathan, but that seemed a bit of a mouthful. I rejected Solomon and Saul as both are archaic nowadays – you’ll note that despite my agnosticism I was working through Biblical associations! The next name to come to mind was Samuel, and in its diminutive form it seemed to fit the bill, so ‘Sam’ you became. There’s an explanation for everything, even if it turns out to be as boring as this one!
Moving on to the disappearance of Brian, I think it would be fair to say that you and I – albeit in different ways – made far the greatest emotional investment in him, and obviously both of us were pretty badly hurt by recent events. I was sufficiently depressed to be unable to post for a couple of weeks, but that couple of weeks provided an opportunity for some introspective thinking.
I came to the view that over the eighteen months or so of our acquaintance Brian had brought me a great deal of happiness and fulfilment; I ought to weigh that in the balance against the later hurt. When I did so, I had to accept that the scale-pan loaded with happiness and fulfilment was much the heavier. Brian contributed a lot to my life, and I know from the e-mails I have received that lots of others feel the same way. I then tried to analyse the attraction. Clearly it wasn’t sexual; I haven’t made any secret of my age (now 63) and – even aside from my monogamistic commitment – I find the concept of a sexual relationship with someone almost fifty years my junior to be – frankly – repulsive. No doubt that feeling was mutual! I was entirely content, and indeed gratified, to be regarded as a cyber-grandfather. I concluded that I was drawn to Brian because of the personality which shone through his posts. It didn’t then need rocket science to work out that, even if Brian was not who he appeared to be, the personality belonged to whoever he really was. It necessarily followed that I liked the real ‘Brian’.
After eighteen months of acquaintanceship, including lots of e-mails in addition to our on-board exchanges, I could not, and can not, accept that ‘Brian’ ever had the intention of hurting anyone. People's actions are usually rooted in reason, however bizarre their reasoning may be. No doubt there are posters who assume a false identity with the clear intention of seeking gratification from being manipulative; I cannot reconcile that notion with the personality that was ‘Brian’. Obviously, I have given the matter a great deal of thought, and I don’t think that it’s too hard to envisage circumstances in which an alternative personality is assumed for what are, in effect, therapeutic reasons. I CAN reconcile that possibility with the Brian I knew, and that is what I choose to believe because, on the available evidence, it seems to me to be the most likely explanation.
To those who choose to profess a ponderous morality, I cannot disagree that it is almost always wrong to lie. Clearly Brian DID lie, but I don’t think it was ever his intention to be hurtful. In the early stages, he made much of his intention to move to the UK, but this topic was later deflected to the back-burner; with the benefit of hindsight, this rather looks as if he realised the inevitable and potentially hurtful problems ahead. I see him as someone who needed what we provided – and he gave us all a great deal in return.
Dishonesty is but one of many human failings, and it is measurable by degrees. Other failings include rudeness, self-interest, complacency and a whole raft of other character defects which other posters – NOT excluding myself – have displayed. ‘Judge not, that ye be not judged’ seems to be a relevant text. I also call to mind ‘Let him who is without sin cast the first stone’ – but, be warned; unlike NW, I am not a pacifist, and I may well choose to deliver a high-velocity return to the thrower!
I think that ‘Brian’ has gone forever, at least in that persona. In very many ways, I wish that were not so, but things have gone too far. He knows we know he isn’t really Brian, we know that he knows that we know that he isn’t really Brian, he knows that we know that he knows that we know ….. well, you get the picture; it could never be the same again.
But I miss you, Brian! I miss you very much!
And I am sure that I am by no means alone in feeling that way.
For a' that an' a' that,
It's comin' yet for a' that,
That man tae man, the worrld o'er
Shall brithers be, for a' that.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
 |
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
|
|
|
When people leave like this they also stay and read. This virtual place has been a virtual home and a part of their lives. So I am pretty sure that Brian has been reading. If a penance is required it has been served. He has read the different messages to him and about him.
Some he will have seen with pleasure. Others will have probably made him weep. Perhaps that's ok, perhaps he needs to see that people, gay and straight, have the same prejudices, are just people. But perhaps he was also hoping for an honourable way out and that the people here, people who all seemed to be so capable of compassion andunderstanding, would accept him as someone who needed to dress up some of his life in different clothes.
Some of us have, some have not.
There is a huge distinction between hurt, too, and harm. Brian did no harm. Regrettably his actions hurt two people, perhaps a couple more. But that hurt is no greater than the end of any relationship, at least in real terms. No harm was done because no malice was present, at least as far as I can tell.
We have known other Brians, we will meet new Brians. As long as no harm is done they are welcome here
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Timmy said,
>But perhaps he was also hoping for an honourable way out and that the people here, people who all seemed to be so capable of compassion andunderstanding, would accept him as someone who needed to dress up some of his life in different clothes.
The hardest thing, I think, is vanishing without warning. Everything that 'Brian' has said or done in recent weeks has had to be relayed through third parties. You use the word 'perhaps', but it's very difficult to understand the motives of a person who apparently does not, and never did, exist.
I personally would very much like to talk to the person behind Brian or even just the persona of Brian once more. I am fairly convinced that he must be someone worthy of compassion and understanding, but I don't know that. If I appear argumentative in any way -- or, worse, without compassion or understanding -- it's simply because I'm totally unsure of my footing and clutching at straws. The 'radio silence' is worse than the revelation itself.
David
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Deeej wrote:
I personally would very much like to talk to the person behind Brian or even just the persona of Brian once more... The 'radio silence' is worse than the revelation itself.
David, I would imagine that Brian's email is still active. Use it. Write to him. Say what you want to say. Give him a chance to respond.
J F R
The paradox has often been noted that the United States, founded in secularism, is now the most religiose country in Christendom, while England, with an established church headed by its constitutional monarch, is among the least. (Richard Dawkins, 2006)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
|
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
|
|
|
Allow him his silence. If this were Wikipedia I would point you at the mantra http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/WP:AGF
I would very much like to talk to Brian again, too. I hope that, one day, he will feel comfortable enough to say what was in his mind. But he, too, needs to heal. Alwasy remember we are all here for a deep seated reason, and because of an inner need.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
jack
|
 |
Likes it here |
Location: England
Registered: September 2006
Messages: 304
|
|
|
The reason this all kicked off re Brian was because his humour and whit were missed.
Whatever Brian’s real name is is not important as cossie said his personality came through.
Life is tough the person came to this web site because he enjoyed the people, if some people get hurt through personalities it is not intention able.
I do think that Life is to enjoy a lot of people whether gay or not do get hurt in life ,
But the healing process is started once we step back put it in a box and move on,
All be it slowly.
Brian, I wish you all the best for the future.
life is to enjoy.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Thanks, Cossie, your post sums it up for me, too. I loved Brian, I loved his friendship and personality, and being his second grandfather - second to you.
For most of my life I did my best to hide who I was, so it's easy for me to understand and forgive someone who, for some reason or another, found it too difficult to appear on stage without a protective mask between himself and us.
Brian, I miss you too!
|
|
|
|
|
Goto Forum:
|
] 
A Place of Safety
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
