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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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So I am replicating it here:
> Timmy,
> I know I'm very nieve in the belief of the goodness and kindness of people, generally. I don't like lying and hate to deceive. I live alone and am lonely. I want and need friends that I can be honest and real with and still be friends. I've gone on sites and been honest and not pretend I'm someone other than I say I am. But because I'm a senior and was honest, I was never even acknowledged. Just because I'm older and don't have the body or tone of a 25 year old, I'm out of the loop. I don't want to lie or make up a disguise just to get attention. I just want to be honest and have people care enough as one human being to another to get to know me - the real me with no games. But our community seems to be locked into looks, sexuality not the person. Maybe, just maybe, if people got to know someone and what they are really like (not perfect, make honest mistakes because of not understanding or not experienced), that they are really loving, kind, caring people, they just might find someone they could really care about. Beauty doesn't last but character, honesty, kindness and caring does last. And I will be the first one to admit that when I was in that late teen - young person era, I too was at fault for doing that same thing with someone older. Now I am that older person and now I know how they felt. It's too late for me but you young guys: think of the quality of a person. If it is truly wrapped in beauty and sexiness all the better. But if it is not in the top twenty or so but is absolutely honest, kind, caring and loving, don't let that get away from you because that will last after the beauty is gone. And when you're honest and real and up front with others, you don't have to remember what you said the last time to cover your real self up. You've heard the saying, "payback is a bitch". Well I'll tell you that older and lonely is a real hell. Bless you all.
> Tad
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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And What I dont get one! -_-
LOL
I agree 
Jay
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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And those who are not can visualise it.
If I generalise a little, part of the answer is that we put ourselevs in compartments and then believe that they are the real boundaries of our lives. That compartment has the paradoxical title of your Comfort Zone.
This comnfort zone has everything in it that is familiar. Your comfy chair, your old slippers, your cat, your happy times. Everything that is good is there.
It also has the bills, the rent, the mortgage, the fears and frustrations, the poor self image. Not much comfort there.
If we accept that the lousy parts of life will alwasy be present, what we need to do is to make them smaller by comparison to the good parts. We do that by increasingthe size of the compartment, the comfort zone, to embrace a load more stuff.
I'm not going to pretend that the new stuff will always be good. We pick up some more crap along the way. But we tend to pick up more good than bad, and we do it because we are actively seekikng and selecting the good.
People have made fortunes "selling" this simple concept, and it does work.
In your own case not all of the loneliness is lack of a partner. Some is pure lack of companionship. I say that without knowing you more than a little, and I say it with confidence because we are all similar, though not the same. You can be lonely with a partner, too, you know.
I'd suggest active doing of stuff. Talk to Marc about how he is involved in his local PFLAG organisation, for example. Consider doing something to support a hospice (ok, that's a hobby horse of mine; I try to support my local hospice and also a more distant chidren's hospice). Join your local amateur dramatics group - if you can't act the alwasy need scenery painters!
And smile a lot whether you are in the mood or not. "Tad's alwasy smiling" means people talk to you.
Now this does not solve our need to be hugged, snuggled, and made to feel loved. What it does is to increase the overall feeling of wellbeing and allow us to meet the people where we may find a like minded soul who cares not a fig about our body but loves our mind. WHat it does is increase the probability that we meet someone.
It is simple, but the first step feels hard sometimes. Until we take it, that is.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Tim,
You are absolutely right. Thank you for your kindness and support. Bless you.
Tad
Tad Durham
Belfast, Maine U S A
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I have several friends who are much older than me, and I would never try to avoid a friendship purely on that basis. Most of the people on this board are what I'd term (without any implied prejudice) middle-aged, but that has not prevented me from corresponding with and meeting some of them, and arranging further meetings with others in the future.
As for love -- well, I would like to find someone of my age with whom I can grow old. And there is the basic and immutable fact that (with a very few exceptions) I don't find people more than a few years older than me attractive. I don't have enough experience of relationships to know how important physical attraction is in a relationship, and I'm told it grows when one loves a person, but it does mean that it would make it very hard for me to consider a relationship with someone older without very strong alternative reasons. It's like a gay man falling in love with a woman. It's possible but not the ideal situation, and urging gay men not to deny the possibility doesn't make it much more likely that they will enter a straight relationship.
Friendship is of course another thing entirely, and anyone who avoids friendship purely on the basis of looks must be very shallow.
David
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I'm looking for other suggestions here, folks. Some will cost money, other things will be free of next to free. I'm not looking for a list of hobbies, I'm looking for doorways into companionship.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I wish I could suggest some, but with the exception of the standard ones (dating sites, gay events and meet-ups) I have very little idea myself. Sorry.
David
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David,
I do understand your reasoning and with all my heart I hope and pray you will find that person to love and grow old with. It is more important for a successful and happy life than you may realize now but will become more and more evident as you grow older. Bless you.
Tad
Tad Durham
Belfast, Maine U S A
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Believe it or not, Tad, I know exactly how you feel, because to have reached 22 without ever having had a relationship -- even a one-night stand -- is unusual these days. I feel anxious and insecure in case it is something about me that prevents it. (I've been assured it's not true, but that doesn't prevent the feeling.) I've no doubt that this feeling will be even worse in twenty years, if I still haven't found the right person (and I hope I will have done).
To someone who is decades older than me, it might sound absurd, but I feel "old" myself by still being at university at 22, because most of my university year is a year or even two years younger than me. (I'm certainly extremely "old" compared to the people who applied to university a few months ago, who are fresh-faced youngsters of 17.) I still haven't got to the stage that a year seems an insignificant amount of time. To make a general point, there's not a lot of point in envying youth for the sake of youth, if at that age one did not know what to do with oneself. I sometimes look back on my schooldays and think "What if?", but, actually, I was just too damn insecure to come out, so it probably wouldn't have played very differently in any circumstances.
It just goes to show that there is no such thing as an "ideal" situation. I'm young but I think I'm already over the hill. Sometimes I come to the preposterous conclusion that I'd like to re-run my entire life again from the age of 15, when everything started going wrong, but with the benefit of hindsight. (No comments saying "Don't be silly, you're not old," please, everyone, as I know that perfectly well!)
David
[Updated on: Wed, 21 February 2007 17:18] |
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Sighs, I mean it is more than companionship isn’t it. We all need someone to love and be loved by.
As Timmy has said so many times before David “It is 100% for all of us,” hugs to both you and Tad. I wish we could all find what we need.
People will tell you where they've gone
They'll tell you where to go
But till you get there yourself you never really know
Where some have found their paradise
Other's just come to harm
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Being older is an advantage. Most start to young and let their hormones rule what they do. At least you will have the benifit of reason.
If you stand for Freedom, but you wont stand for war, then you dont stand for anything worth fighting for.
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David,
Someone is going to see through to your true self inside and see the kindness and caring kind of person you are. Looking back when I was your age and in an even more a repressive society than now, the younger people are not thinking of monogony or a life partner. At that time and still is to some degree, raging hormones rules. If only they could see what they are really seeking: someone to love them and be loved by them, to really care about them, and be truthful and trustworthy. Then to enjoy their partner through old age. I do wish I could be your age again and know and understand what I know now in this more enlightened time. But that's never going to be. You are a very nice person and someone is going to see the beautiful qualities you possess. It will happen, David, when you least expect it. When it does, grab on and hold on. Bless you.
Tad
Tad Durham
Belfast, Maine U S A
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I'm not "only" thinking of places to be happily gay, but places to be happily social, too
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Arich,
You said you wished we could all find what we need. So do I. I would love to be happy with companionship in a relationship and also pleased to others for them to be happy in their lives and loves.
Tad
Tad Durham
Belfast, Maine U S A
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Thank you, Roger. Now if I could only find someone else to feel the same way and still be interested.  )
Tad
Tad Durham
Belfast, Maine U S A
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Guenth50
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Getting started |
Location: Germany
Registered: February 2007
Messages: 6
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Hi Tad,
Am I wrong if I take your message for a "Will someone listen?"
So the answer should sound familiar to you: "I will".
We adore the same stories, this should be a good start.
Guenth
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Guenth50
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Getting started |
Location: Germany
Registered: February 2007
Messages: 6
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Hi Timmy,
it's not as simple as that.
When I was making up my mind to search for a friend my age I was shocked about what I found out: Every older guy wants to have someone younger.
I can't blame them, I was the same before.
I presume here, Tad speaks about this fact and is not lamenting about not being able to trick a teenager into his bed.
It's not related to my personality, whenever I am in the mood to have sex I will score, but if I suggest a relationship I will be rejected.
When I was younger maybe I could have had relationships but I wasn't looking for them (I am still in the closet.). Now that sex isn't simply enough anymore and I am ready for someone, nobody "will listen".
You are true about good things and bad things, so there is no need to be sad, just to be thankful for the good things you have had.
cu
Guenth
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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well, as we grow iolder our need for companionship increases. I am really looking forst and foremost at companionship. "Benefits" may or may not come too
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Guenth,
No you are not wrong. And your research bears out what I was trying to say. The benefits of a relationship are wonderful but as we get older, they are not the primary concern. The benefits are an expression of our feelings when we are blessed to have the primary: companionship. Both of your postings on this matter are absolutely right on. Thank you, my friend, for listening and hearing what I was trying to say. Bless you.
Tad Durham
Belfast, Maine
tad034@gwi.net
Tad Durham
Belfast, Maine U S A
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Guenth50
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Getting started |
Location: Germany
Registered: February 2007
Messages: 6
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Well, here I am.
And a "Bless you" is all I get?
I don't think you will get from the hook this easy.
Wait another ten hours (Sorry, but I have to do my job.) and then I will talk to you in private. I reckon (a word I learned from iomfats' stories ) there is more in this then we both might know.
wtyt (write to you tonight)
Guenth
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Hi Tad, I am 78 and have been in the closet all my life except for a very very few friends. I lived alone most of my life, because I wanted to and enjoyed my freedom. I was never in any way a slave of my hormones and probably am a gay asexusal. I loved to look at beautiful males, but really had no sexual desires.
I would have loved to have hugged a few gay men I met, but not wanting to start something I couldn't finish I never tried. I met a man three years younger than I about 40 years ago when we were both taking sailing lessons. His gaydar was working and I of course had to tell him that I would very much like him as a friend but that was as far as I could go. We became and stayed friends until he moved east. He was the only gay person I was close to.
I had my family and just a few close straight friends. I never felt lonely or felt the need to join any social clubs. Now that I am 78, I am the last of my family and my friends have died also. I made the mistake of making friends with older people.
In California we have a lot of Senior Centers and I started taking Life Writing classes, joined an Art Group, tried a line dancing group and met many loving people my own age who remember the 1930's and enjoy talking about the experiences we had. I couldn't do that with a cute young wippersnapper. I have underwear older than some of the cuties.
I heard that my old sailing friend fell on hard times and was without a home so I asked him to share my 2 bedroom apartment. My single life ended, but I learned not to mind. I enjoy his company, but we are a little too stiff to sail so we have fun reading, cooking and checking out the studmuffins at the beach when we go kite flying. I've met a lot of interesting people kite flying too. I love talking to people, and try to be friendly, but am careful not to come accross as looking for friends because that puts too much pressure on them. If they like being around me, nature will take it's course. Good luck Tad. Loving friends are all over the place if you look and don't require they sleep with you.
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Guenth50
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Getting started |
Location: Germany
Registered: February 2007
Messages: 6
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Hi Jim,
awsome, a gay asexual, I always thought someone like this has to exist, but I actually never met one.
Sure, an asexual shouldn't have sexual problems, but that's what we talking about here, right Tad?
No matter how you define sexuality, a deep look into someones eyes, seeing into his soul, knowing all his deepest secrets is something highly sexual.
You can't do this with a straight friend.
Next thing, we speak about love here, that "mach 2 feeling" from "Chris & Nigel", what you suggest sounds like Marc earlier: best is no relationship, so nothing to end, and surely nobody will be hurt.
If this all worked for you, fine, but not so suitable for most of us, right?
An asexual hug from:
Gunth
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Jim,
Require sleeping friends. NO! Sleeping with someone may be a benefit of a relationship to express love and caring, but without companionship, there is neither one. Yes I admit to being a romantic and an affectionate person with a need to give affection and receive it. By that I mean physical touching/hugging/kissing etc. just meeting emotional needs. But that doesn't mean a sexual requirement. Idealist? Possibly. As many time as I've been hurt/disappointed/failed, I still believe it might be possible somewhere out there, although after two years of being without work and totally alone, the hope is dying on one side while the lonliness is increasing on the other side. All those activities you mentioned sound interesting. But without transportation and finances, the options are almost non existing. And while these two room/small kitchen/bathroom are not uncomfortable (I call it my velvet prison), it's more like a warehouse waiting room of old people waiting for their number to be called. There are four or five bitchy/nosey/trouble making old ladies who keep things stirred up and only four old men in different stages of health problems. The most exciting activity during the day is the mail arrival. The rest is the three times a week morning coffee get together which when we first came here and for about a year and a half was really family like but now has turned into a gossiping get together with back stabbing and old ladies: whose going to the doctors and what for?; who is sick? or causing trouble etc. I quit going quite awhile ago. Don't need that kind of B/S. We are all here because we are on social security/limited income/medicare & medicaid and in debt (only a few are in debt and I am one of them because of bad judgement with credit cards - 2). I do have a small room mate: a calico cat whose name is Calico. She sleeps most of the day and cries for her breakfast early and would like to get her supper earlier that four P M, if she could and leaves part of both feedings to be throne down the toiler. I am on the computer most of the day because that's where I find the good stories (see Story Shelf examples: Charlie: Finding Tim; Grasshopper: Just Hit Send). Since I can only afford very basic cable, there is very little on TV after Good Morning America (the judge shows are people airing their problems agains other people). So finding and keeping the few friends I have been able to find and trying to build on those friendships for good email conversations and reading good stories of love/family/friendship/caring/kindness/and acceptance has become my limited life. I'm 72 (younger than you and hoping not to have to get too much older) and hate being alone. But realism is slowly setting in to make me know it's too late now to expect anything a lot better, except hoping to find good email friends. You are blessed with not minding being alone and with a great social life. Thank you for your posting. I wish you a good day and a great week.
Tad Durham
Belfast, Maine
Tad Durham
Belfast, Maine U S A
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Guenth, (comment to Jim)
Right on, Guenth. Still hunger for wanting and being wanted. Of course I don't get the priveledge of looking in anyone's eyes for quite awhile so don't get that jolt of electricity.
We had an apartment manager here who was just a blessing. He and his lover (maint. man) shared the manager's apartment. But after three heart attacks, had to retire (Mark [maint. man] doesn't live here any more (lives with David in their own little house in a town near here, but still works here). So there is no longer any openly gay or accepting people here now. Just us old people. )
Have a great day.
Tad Durham
Tad Durham
Belfast, Maine U S A
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Tad, this may come as a shock, but you are only 72. When I am 72 I expect to be still in the prime of life. It isn't THAT far away from me.
I would like you to read your answers again. Not the advice, but your answers.
I see you have posted that you have limited means and no transport. I was not going to mention that until you did in public.
But
There are still people who will give you a lift somewhere. There are still things that have zero $ cost.
Re-read your answers and see how each has a note of "that can't be done because..." about it. Who taught you that was right? Who said "This is impossible"?
Time to prove that teacher wrong, Tad. You have a small mountain to climb. Someone put a whole mountain of lack of self belief in your way. Time to climb over it.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Timmy,
I am always surprised by the care and concern and acceptance of me you have show me from the very beginning. I am surprised because I have mostly been the recipent of the negative: family, people of authority in school, etc.
I have vivid early memories resulting from fear of my emotionally dad that translated in the lack of my self confidence. This was fostered by remarks by my grandfather and uncle: "don't ask Tad to do it, he will only f---- it up. Self proclaimed prophesy? My dad used to tell me many times: "if you and I were in a crowd of a thousand people and someone threw a rock, you and I would be the ones to get hit", (prior to a spanking): "sometimes I think your brains are in the seat of your pants and it's my job to put them back where they belong, "this hurts me more than it does you". Time over time, the tape was made and runs constantly in my sub conscious. Just tired of fighting the "tape" year after year and failing. I realize I'm maybeing being more honest (even though I promised I would always be so to you all)than I should/need to be. But I've just felt a level of acceptance of trust and trust here that I haven't experienced for many years. I literally love and care about you people and am so grateful for the kindness and support I have received here. Arrested emotional growth? Many years ago when I had a breakdown a psychologist told me that was the result from a molestation experiod lasting three years starting at age seven thru ten then my cousin took over for another six months. Why did I allow it to go on for so long? I don't know. But back then, there weren't the options that exists today. And sex wasn't allowed to be mentioned or discussed in our house by anyone, including my mother. So all that was buried deep in my mind for many years.
I'm not excusing where I'm at, only explaining what I know or was told. I despretly wanted a dad - son relationship with my dad. Never happened. Sorry Timmy. Got in deeper in this than I intended. Hope I didn't offend you. "Only 72"? Where I come from and the apartment house I live in under the circumstances surrounding the tenants, thats getting old. Thank you, Timmy for your kindness and support and even more important, your friendship.
Tad
Tad Durham
Belfast, Maine U S A
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Tad
You are not the only one to suffer at the hands of your relatives. It takes forever to get over it, usually you never do.
If you stand for Freedom, but you wont stand for war, then you dont stand for anything worth fighting for.
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Roger,
Thank you for your understanding. Yes, it's a wound that neve heals nor the one from the guy across the street either.
Tad
Tad Durham
Belfast, Maine U S A
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I think you are right in some cases, but not in others.
The common thread seems to be the ability to accept that you had no power, were not at all to blame, even if your body enjoyed it, and could not extract yourself from the abusive situation.
The people who have ben able to accept that have been able to put the abuse in the compartment where it belongs, to process it emotionally, and to learn to minimise the effects it has had.
It sounds simple. I know it is not easy to put into practice. Friends help. Friends who will listen even to the most horrible details, often many times over. And this is as good a place either to be public or to choose a friend or more and do it in private.
Does it go away? No. It can't. But it can move from centre stage to somewhere offstage in the scenery store, where it can be found again, but only if you want it.
The best way to prevent one's self from getting through it (note I do not say "over it") is to remain angry, or to rekindle the anger. That anger has to ease, and it has to be a real decision to allow it to ease. There is nothing that anger today can do about an abuser yesterday except hurt the one who is angry.
And that sounds trite, I fear. Yet is is the experience of many. It's outside my personal experience, but many people have reported it to me.
[Updated on: Tue, 27 February 2007 07:36]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Now re-read your many answers and compare them with the one I'm replying to.
There is a difference starting to show.
Failure is no longer inevitable. Being pelted with rocks is no longer inevitable. There is a subtle shift in your wording, possibly because oyu have now been able, for the first time, to talk to us about what was a huge taboo in your childhood.
Is the air strange in Maine? My mother is finally getting old. She's 88, and a few bits have stopped working. She'll probably reach 107 or more. In her seventies she was still decorating her house.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Timmy,
It's such a relief to be able to step out of the shadows of the past and to feel so comfortable here in this place of kindness, friendship, and support of these beautiful people who really do listen and care. I really appreciate your kindness and reaching out with friendship. Thank you seems so inadequate to the way I really feel. But I honestly want and need your friendship and those of my fellow posters here. Thank you so much for the acceptance you all have shown.
Tad
Tad Durham
Belfast, Maine U S A
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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There is only one way to thank me, and to thank the rest of us. It has two stages.
Stage 1, continue, as you are doing, to dismantle the walls of your prison, brick by brick, until you can step through the gap in the wall
Stage 2, help others, as you have started, and know that helping is a wonderful and selfish act because it makes you feel good.
Do these both together, at a pace that suits you, and never look back.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Timmy,
I am trying to do just that. And as for helping others, my expeerience has helped me to be compassionate and sincerely care about what others are going through. I am always willing to be there for anyone who needs someone to listen and am open and ready to be a friend, if they want one.
Thank you, Timmy.
Tad
Tad Durham
Belfast, Maine U S A
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