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Here's the thing thats bugging me.
Well, its not just one thing. I suppose its many.
It's like I think of something, and I can see it in my head. Bad things mind you, sometimes perverted things. Things I find disgusting. Things I shouldnt think about, but end up thinking about anyway...
FOR INSTANCE!
*drumroll please.... lol.*
It's like you see this totally hawt guy down the street from you, as your say, walking to the mall one day. And its natural that you'd think that. I mean, no one controls what you think except you. But then, as you think of him more, you start to imagine him.
And when it gets to that part, thats when I start freaking out. And I get angry over it. It bugs me, and irritates me. And it makes me angry, and I want it to get out of my head, but its like its laughing at me, and wont leave.
If I'm making any sense at all here, feel free to do whatever...
AND THEN!
Theres this thing I do almost every single day, where I get horny... I HATE the word horny. Dont ask me why, but I do, and it gets me really angry when someone says it. Anyway. I get horny and I go on the comp, internet, and go to websites I know and jack off to gay vids...
It's irritating.. and it makes me angry. I dont WANT to, but I do at the same time. It's like, somehow refreshing I suppse... Tho its sickening. And thinking about it makes me mad.
And then theres also a kiddy-porn thing... well not really kiddy-porn, but like shotakon.
DO NOT! ask me to explain it. you can find out what it means on dictionary.com.
And there are a bunch of words that irritate me.
SUCH AS!
Sex
Dick
Cock
Fuck (i say the word, but im talking about sex here.)
Anything related to sex really makes me sick. I've decided never to get into a relationship. It's what I want. And the thought of having sex with someone grosses me out.
The very thought of seeing anyone naked sickens me and I hate it. But its like whenever I watch fay vids, I know they're naked and it sickens me, but i imagine myself doing it with someone, and like its sort of a rush kinda thing.... a very sick rush that i get...
anyway... yah.
I just wanted to say that, and yah...
*hugs everyone.*
~Josh~
21.
Love who you want to.
~Josh~
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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You are one of the many shades of normal. Not sure if it helps to know that or not.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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lol.
Thanks Timmy. that was almost poetic.^^
~Josh~
21.
Love who you want to.
~Josh~
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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truth often is poetic 
May I suggest something to you, please? I hope so.
It is "Give yourself permission to consider enjoying sexual feelings"
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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I think I get it..... you hate sex..... you hate anything sexual....... you hate dirty words....
But.....
and this is a BIG BUT!!!!
You like hating all these things while looking at porn on the internet.....
But there is one thing you didn't reveal....
When you are busy hating all these things while looking at your internet porn....... are you hating sex with your right hand or your left hand....... Or on the off chance are you ambidexterous?
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Aussie
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Really getting into it |
Registered: August 2006
Messages: 475
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Hi Josh
What Timmy says about giving yourself permission is very true, the things that go through your mind are normal so tell yourself it is ok. That little guy inside who is laughing at you is called your 'inner critic'. You need to learn how to control him or he will control you and just keep laughing at you and doing his best to make your life miserable. I suggest for starters you do a google on "mastering the inner critic " and see if you can find any sites that appeal to you.
If you need more specific help feel free to drop me an email
Aussie
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If I interpereted your post incorrectly, please disregard my post. I also apologize that this isn't quite written to where I am happy with but I think it will be sufficient to get my point across and I feel I should just post it lest I spend more time editing and ultimately not posting it (which happens often).
From reading your post, it seems as though the overall theme is that sex, particularly gay sex, is dirty. Not only that, but anything that could even be construed as being sexual is dirty (naked people). Unless you feel this way specifically for reliqious reasons (in which case I'm not sure what to say), then I think that this is an unhealthy attitude to hold.
I'm going to guess that your issue might not be with gay sex, but with being gay. Perhaps you have been raised in an environment (high probability of this and thus I feel I can take this guess) that feels that homosexuals are dirty. I think that this is the issue that you are struggling against perhaps. It feels like this is the underlying overall theme of your post.
That being said, it is similar to an attitude that I myself held for a period of time. The underlying reason for my attitude was that I was not entirely comfortable with being a homosexual because all my life I was told that it was dirty. Thus, it was logical to feel disgusted by my homosexual thoughts because they where a sign that I was a homosexual and thus dirty.
As long as your thoughts are completely consensual then I think you will be less disgusted by your thoughts as you become more comfortable with being gay and allowing yourself to think thoughts that can be classified as gay. If your thoughts revolve around acts that are not consensual or otherwise involve violence, then you might consider therapy as there might be another underlying cause (I should stress that there is NOTHING wrong with therapy. There seems to be a stigma on mental health that is completely unjustified.).
Again, if I made assumptions that turned out to be incorrect then please disregard my reply. I hope that this helps and if you would like to chat, hit me up sometime.
david
Also, I would agree with all of the replys that have been posted thus far.
Also, I believe the feeling that my post hits upon is mirrored in your poem, Out of Darkness, Into Light (which I just enjoyed reading. nicely done).
It's always the old to lead us to the war
It's always the young to fall
Now look at all we've won with the sabre and the gun
Tell me is it worth it all
~Phil Ochs "I Aint Marching Anymore"
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