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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Probably this is only something the victim truly understands, though others can empathise.
I had an email the other day from a young man who has been raped as a young boy. I have, as well as I am able, tried to stand in his shoes and walk with him.
I do not yet know his state of mind over the rape, but he would not have mentioned it had it not been important for him to do so.
Most of us here have the fortune not to have received abuse. Even so we might have some useful thoughts for him. I am sure he reads the board.
My own concerns are to demonstrate to him that, whoever raped him, he was not able to alter the circumstances leading to the assault, nor the assault itself, but that he can control his reaction to the assault.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I have been talking to him some more. The thing that troubles him is that the act was not isolated, and, despite being an unwilling participant, he enjoyed it. There was the closeness of being held and his body, normally and naturally, reacted with pleasure.
It was not an adult who molested him. Both were minors, and he was very young. The damage is intellectual, and was never physical damage.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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One does learn to like it.....
Indeed to actually looke forward to it.....
Thats not to say it is right..... but it is something.....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Despite never having been in that position I can empathise with it, especially if it is a "kindness" because of the physical closeness that was not otherwise available.
He is both "through it" and also assuredly not through it. It happened a number of years ago and the healing process never really started because of his family situation - not a bad family, nor an abusive family, a loving family with its mind on other things - and I think he may "blame" being homosexual on the abuse in some manner
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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What this person did did not make you gay. That was always there. What he did was cause it to come to the surface sooner, possibly befor it was meant to. What he did was wrong because Im certain he used things to minipulate the situation. You are not to blame, never feel like you are. Is he still around? The reason I ask is that one of the ways to close things is to confront him with how you are feeling. Let him know that what he did has caused you problems. Dont go to him in hate. Let hin know he hurt you , not physically , but emotionally.
If you stand for Freedom, but you wont stand for war, then you dont stand for anything worth fighting for.
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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I don't believe that the cause of being gay can be known. Maybe this person's experience being raped did influence them and "make them gay".
For me, I grew up in a single parent family, I didn't have a lot of male influence in my life. Maybe that "made me gay", maybe not. I don't think I can ever know, I don't think it matters either. My mother used to read to me a lot as a child, too- maybe that made me more intelligent, maybe I was "just born" intelligent. I don't think I can ever know, I don't think it matters either.
Being gay is not wrong, it is not abnormal, it is just another manifestation of humanity. Some people are smart, some not so much. Some people like sports, some not so much. Some people like women, some not so much.
Even if being gay IS the result of your negative experience (which I am not making a judgement on), it doesn't mean being gay is negative. I grew up in quite poor scummy suburbs (a negative), but from that I learned to understand and empathise with people from low income backgrounds (a positive).
All I'm trying to say is that, who cares that you are gay? Who cares what made you gay? It's not a big deal, as much as people might try to make it one. It's just another facet of humanity.
And I don't know the details, but I believe rape is always a mental thing. Sometimes males don't even recognise when they assault someone, "I had already started, then was told to stop, but I couldn't". I think there are degrees of rape and some are easier to let go than others. Sometimes if you continue to think of yourself as a victim and as powerless that can perpetuate you feeling like a victim and powerless. But that is just what I've felt and thought. I don't know the subject well enough to really be qualified to say much. It would probably be hard to be secure in sex after being a victim of rape- it's emotionally damaging as much as you can try to intellectualise it. Be strong, though, you can be in power of your own life. No-one can take anything from you, as much as you or they may think they can. Everything you have, is your own to give.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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I know the cause for being gay.....
It actually is quite simlpe.....
The cause is a boy likes sex..... gay boys like it with boys.....
As for abnormalities..... those are observational assessments and are relative to the source of research as to the one doing the assessment.....
In other words..... one mans pickle is another mans poison....
Rape? A mental thing???
I don't think so..... What was mental about being strapped to a bed and repetedly banged senseless?
As for feeling powerless..... Not likely.....
Feeling secure with sex..... Well that is more a matter of just setting ones mind to do a job well and do it right..... Security comes with experience..... lots and lots of experience.....
Lots......
Lots and lots.....
Lots more too.....
and then.... when you think you have enough experience.....
Practice some more.....
After all..... like the old addage goes.... "how do I get to Carnegie Hall"
Practice, practice, practice......
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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The "Rape is a mental thing" is odd. There is a dfference in the state of mind of the rapist I suppose, but a strapper down of victims is a very different beast from a "It was too late to stop" rapist.
Rape is power, not really sex
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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Yes, I thought what I was saying might come out wrong.
As you say, Marc, being strapped down, beaten and physically bruised is very much more than a mental thing.
But I guess there are degrees of rape. Yet at the same time "rape is rape".
I can only analyse it, from what I have read, from what I have heard from victims.
From the sounds of things your experience is much different to the boy listed in the original post. Timmy said there was no physical harm, only mental. It doesn't mean it is any less rape. I don't know the details, but to me, a rape with no physical harm seems to imply that it is more a mental thing. The feelings involved are the same- helplessness, powerlessness.
I wonder how much the perpetrator knew, though.
I just wonder- as an aside, that I should maybe start a new post on- can it be rape, if the perpetrator believes there is consent because the victim for whatever reason cannot express otherwise?
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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