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mihangel
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Likes it here |
Location: UK
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 192
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I've been away (yes, Cossie, you can guess where!) for a long weekend. And I took the opportunity to screw up my courage and tell Alison (my wife) all about my gay side. Bless her, she felt no shock, no disgust, no outrage. She wasn't even greatly surprised: she hadn't consciously suspected anything but, once she knew, she saw that it fitted her perception of me. She didn't forgive me, for she felt there was nothing that needed forgiveness. She just demonstrated understanding and love: love that's now even deeper on both sides than it was before. A truly wonderful woman.
So a burden has been lifted from my shoulders. May I simply say thank you to everyone who responded to my agonising in that thread about a month ago, on coming out to one's spouse. Your thoughts gave me strength to do what I've done, and I'll never forget it.
Hugs to all,
Mihangel
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Still, it will probably take some time for her to fully accept and get used to the idea, and possibly the "What are you going to do about it?" question.
Wishing the two of you the best!
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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Great! I'm glad it worked out so well. With all the success everyone is having with this I ought to go ahead and do it. I've been hinting around to my wife about it, but so far she hasn't really responded. There was a rather openly gay man at a party we went to a couple weeks ago. Afterwards I asked her about him and tried to get her into a discussion, but she kept changing the subject. A few nights ago we watched True Lies on tv and I asked her what she would do if she found out that I wasn't who she thought I was? She refused to answer the question. Maybe she knows or suspects and just doesn't want to ask the question. I don't know. But I'm going to keep trying to get a feel for it.
You can have a big ol' hug from me, Mihangel.
Think good thoughts,
e
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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The future may be as simple, or may have ups and downs. In either case it is based on honesty.
Isn't it odd how anticlimactic it can be?
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This is truly wonderful news... I am so happy that everything worked out okay.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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Sounds to me like your wife is probably more perceptive than you might have thought. Does she already know deep down but does not want to accept it? I am not very sure, but your road may not be as smooth as Mihangel's. However, maybe if she gets a chance to hear the whole story (how this has been troubling you not telling her) she might have a different opinion.
Good luck!
Darren
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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Your worst fear "will she still accept me?" has been answered. As Tim says, there may be some ups and downs, but at least you have this load off of your chest.
I found that an important second step for me, which occured 2 months after telling my wife, was discussing what turned me on sexually. This brought us to a point where we could be almost totally honest with each other thereby freeing the burned of holding that secret. I am now almost to the point where I can tell her which guys I like.
Anyway, I am so happy that she took it so well. Other issues will come up like "who do we tell?", but this first step is the one which needs to be successfully attained to make sure there is no breakup. I hope you are enjoying the moment. For me it gave me a high that I had not felt for years (if ever).
Cheers,
Darren
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Mihangel -
Just a HUGE {{{{{hug}}}}}
smith
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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Thanks, I'm going to keep trying, but taking it slowly and looking for some indication that she can accept it. I'll probably be dropping a few hints along the way.
Think good thoughts,
e
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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Pussyfooting around a subject causes worries. Either not speaking about it or speaking about it is the only real answer.
You cannot "prepare the ground" for a major revelation. It is not a thing you can lead up to. You either open the kimono totally, or keep it shut.
Very much like being a flasher, once you open the robe you lose control of the outcome. You decide what and when. They decide how to react.
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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and glad for me too...... Mihangel has told me how important your friendships are to him, in helping him to take courage for both our sakes. Friendship, wisdom, humour and strength - you are a great bunch!
I admire him for 1001 things anyway, but this tops the lot. Not only having the courage to state his own deep feelings but also to break through a lifetime role as 'straight'is 'awe-full'. I don't consider that Mihangel has been living a lie, but he has lived fully in the contradictions and conflicts of himself (and who doesn't to some degree?). So how could I even feel betrayed by that - I don't.
His revelations have not come heavy on to me, rather they have helped us both (I think) to shift guilts, feelings of incompetence in our relationship and to just let these burdens go. Being able to talk through these, and no doubt more will come, with absolute frankness and questions, has meant that there has been no accusation or blame. We have both carried responsibilities for keeping the lid on our lives and feelings about many things, even though we made a pact not to 26 years ago. I certainly love Mihangel for his strength and tolerance, especially at times when I have not felt worthy of it.
The strangeness of a long and familiar love is that it allowed me to live with inconsistencies, some pain and grey areas in our relationship. I knew that Mihangel was different and didn't satisfy my needs for closeness. I remember well his hinting that he had wondered about his being gay, but that in itself was not the cause of the distances that there have been between us at times.
I welcome this revelation and the exploration of our new love ahead,and I respect your friendships on the board. Thanks and hugs,
Alison
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I am overwhelmed by your message. I guess,
young and old alike, we can all learn about
ourselves and realize that the foundation
of all things is love. I'm so glad that you
two have found the closeness that you both
so richly deserve.
My love to you both...
{{hugs}}
smith
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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I think I know what you're getting at, but as far as "preparing the ground" goes, I'm trying more to prepare myself, not her. "Hinting" was probably the wrong word to use. It's more like finding a natural place in a conversation to bring up the subject, then gauge how the conversation is going and then (as you point out) either telling her or not. So far in the past few weeks, I've found a couple places where I could bring up the subject, but she has declined to discuss it. My response in those instances was to wait for the next opportunity. If I can't even get her into the converstion, then it's not the right time. I don't want to get into it if she's not in the mood to discuss it. If on some level she has an awareness, then she'll let me know when the time is right. I'd like to do it, but I don't need to hurry. One thing I've learned about my wife is that she's pretty good at letting me know when she's ready to talk about things. If she doesn't let me know, it's generally best not to bring it up, no matter what the subject is.
Your point is well taken, though. Once I get her into a serious conversation, I'll either have to tell her or not. Hinting won't really cut it. Thanks.
Think good thoughts,
e
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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I am so happy that you are able to accept this and that it is helping the two of you to become closer. Hearing from the wives has been very reassuring. I am hoping that mine will be as accepting when I tell her. And yes, it is becoming more a matter of when than if. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.
Think good thoughts,
e
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Michael Simon
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 92
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No Message Body
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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So few people realise that other halves are welcome here. My own wife will not visit
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