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yaklow
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Getting started |
Registered: April 2007
Messages: 2
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I tried to send this to the contact address for iomfats but my mail was returned. I realise this is a breach of nettiquette but I hope you can forgive me.
====my message========
Dear its_onlyme,
I am sorry to bother you but I don't really know who else to ask. I'll come right out with it: I'm attaching the first pages of a story that I have felt almost physically compelled to write and I want to know if you think I should continue and if I should continue, should I try to get it posted somewhere. I chose you to write to because iomfats.org hosts a number of stories that I admire and that are in some sense of a similar genre. I will of course write this story anyway: I have no choice because Spud and Bug just won't leave me alone - I hear their voices every minute of the day. I don't like to bother you but I think you're probably the best person to ask whether I should "put this out there". It's the first draft more or less so please be a little kind.
Regards,
J
PS: I understand that you have no obligation to reply to this and will never think less of you whatever response you make.
Setting Spud Free
Bug walked through the sun dappled woods a few yards behind his brother, swiping at the under growth with the birch switch he'd cut earlier. Patrick Sullivan wasn't daydreaming. He was thinking uncharacteristically hard about what he wanted to say. His trust in Spud was close to absolute - he had never been afraid to tell him anything. But what he had to say today was different, at least a part of it was. It was that part, that difficult part, that was testing him now. He was anxious lest Spud think less of him if he told him what was going on in his head and worse, in a way, that Spud would pity him. Bug knew that he'd have to speak in the end, but he wanted to be as clear as he could in his own head first.
Michael "Spud" Sullivan (he'd gone by O'Sullivan at school for a short while, and for an even shorter while O'Suilleabhain, as he tried out his Irish heritage as an identity) was enjoying the walk, the sunshine, the birdsong, and even somewhat oddly the scratching of the undergrowth against his legs. The summer had passed slowly so far but now with just two weeks left before he went back to school, he was determined to make every day count and that meant above all spending time with Bug. At fifteen, Spud was two years older than his brother: a difference big enough to make him his protector and the chief in all their escapades but small enough to allow them to play as best of friends. Spud knew enough from friends at school to recognise that he was lucky to have the family he did; to be able to be friends with his brother and his parents rather than living with constant conflict. Bug was his best friend and Spud looked forward to next year when the pair would be spending the school year together as well as the holidays. He knew Bug wanted to talk to him today. He knew his brother well enough to know it must be something serious but obviously not so bad a thing that Bug couldn't take his time working it out. Spud was happy to wait until his little brother confided in him.
Bug meanwhile had come to his decision. He quickened his pace just enough to come up on his brother's shoulder before he spoke.
"Spud," the boy started. "Can I ask you some stuff?"
Michael smiled quickly before he turned to his brother. Bug wasn't over sensitive or touchy, but Spud didn't want him to feel he was being mocked at all.
"Ask away, Bug. I'm all ears." Michael put his arm across his brothers shoulders and walked slowly on, letting Bug speak his mind.
"Spud, did you know you were gay when you were my age?" Bug's question didn't surprise his brother - if your younger brother has something on his mind, sex or sexuality is a definite possibility.
"I didn't know I was gay, Bug, but I knew that there was something different, especially about how I felt about boys,” Michael responded. The two carried on their languid walk through the green and gold, shadowed woodland. Bug took his time and then went on.
"Well, I think I know. I mean I know I'm just 13, but I'm pretty sure I'm gay, Spud." Michael checked his self-control. He didn't want his little brother to sense any hesitation or doubt from him at this point.
"Well, that's fine Bug. You don't have to decide now, but you know your own feelings. You can ask me anything, you know. There have to be some advantages to having a gay big brother!” The two boys looked at each other directly for the first time since they'd started this conversation then and burst out laughing.
"Yes," Bug gave back at him. "There's got to be some compensation for having a big brother at all."
The brothers walked on and Spud listened to Bug sighing and huffing, his gaze on the forest floor as they continued their way.
"What is it Bug?" Michael eventually asked the younger boy. "If you've got more to ask about then, just ask away old man."
"Spud, how do you know if you love someone? And if you do love them and you know they're gay, should you tell them?" Bug faced his brother with an intensity that told Michael that this was a serious matter. Not just thirteen year old serious - Bug was thirteen, but Michael, and anyone else who knew the boy well, knew that Bug had depths beyond his years and that it was best to listen to him when he opened up.
"I'm not sure Bug; not sure in either case. You can try thinking of people you know you love and seeing if you can recognise the feeling perhaps? Might that work?" Michael asked his brother.
"Not sure," Bug replied. "No, I am sure. As it happens, I'm pretty sure I do love someone. I just don't know if I should tell them." Michael looked at his brother for a moment wondering where bug had met another boy that he knew to be gay. Bug had just finished his last year of prep scool. It's hardly a secret that boys in single sex boarding schools occasionally become involved in sexual activity, but that's quite a different matter than a boy in a prep-school coming out as gay. Spud thought for a moment before answering carefully.
"Is he a friend Bug? If he is then I'd think quite carefully. If he's a friend telling him might make him feel awkward if he doesn't feel the same way." He could see Bug considering his words and he held on to his brother's shoulder as they wandered slowy.
"But, Spud, if he's really a friend and I really love him then it would make things awkward if I kept it from him too. And, if he's really a friend, don't I owe it to him and to me to be honest?"
"You do ask the hard questions Bug," Michael replied. "I can't really say, Bug. I see both sides. But the deciding factor for me really is this: If I loved someone and they were gay, and not with someone or whatever, I mean if I loved someone and there was the slightest chance that they could love me, then I think I'd have to take the risk or I'd live never knowing if we could have fallen in love."
The boys' walk was taking them slowly home but Bug knew they needn't hurry.
"Can we sit for a bit, Spud? I think I need to get this all out." Michael looked around and saw a fallen log not far off. He pulled his little brother gently over to it and the pair of boys sat down side by side.
"OK, Bug. You can tell me whatever it is OK? I promise I'll listen and you needn't worry. I love you Bug, you know that."
Michael waited but Patrick didn't find his voice. Instead of words, after a pause Michael heard a heart rending sob from his brother. He turned quickly and wrapped his arms around his brother.
"Tell me Bug! What is it old man? It can't be that bad, Bug!"
"It is though!" The younger boy sobbed. "It's you Spud. I'm in love with you!"
"Oh Bug." Michael held his brother to his chest. "Patrick, I love you too, I do. But we'll have to talk this one out. Don't worry Pat. It's going to be OK. We'll sort it out." Michael sat rocking his brother gently while the boy sobbed uncontrollably into his chest. He focused on what he had to say to his brother. Most important he knew was to make Bug understand that he loved him, unconditionally. He waited for Patrick to settle a bit before he offered him a handkerchief and started carefully to try and explain himself to his brother.
"Bug, I love you more than anything. Whatever else you think about me, don't ever doubt that. But you're my brother. That love Bug, the love you have for a brother - well it's no less important or precious than the love you might have for a boyfriend. It's not less Bug but it is different." Michael paused to compose his thoughts. Patrick was cuddled against him his head pressed to his big brother's chest.
"Bug, the love I have for you as a brother it's like this: I love you no matter what. Nothing you do will ever make me stop loving you. I could get angry with you. I could be disappointed in you. I could be frightened of you. I could look at you one day and think 'Lord, he's ugly!', but no matter what, I can't stop loving you. Boyfriend love, well, if you're lucky that can be forever but it's not guaranteed Bug, not like brother love. Does that make sense?"
Bug snuffled against his brother's chest for a moment and then looked up at him.
"It makes sense, Spud, but I don't know if it changes how I feel,” he told his older brother.
"I'm sorry Bug, I'm doing my best. We'll work this out. Bug, we're family and what I'm trying to explain is that I have to be there for you - and you for me - no matter what else happens in life. I'm the one you can turn to Bug no matter what happens and I'll never turn you away."
"I got that Spud. I understand. But, I love you so much it hurts."
"We'll get past it Bug. I think you're just mixing it up: loving me and being gay. I mean, I love you too you know and I can understand getting confused by those feelings. Let's get back now. We'll sort this out before we go off to school."
The two boys set off again towards home. Half an hour later Spud lay on his bed thinking of what had passed between himself and his brother that afternoon. The Sullivans weren't by any means a religious family but Spud had learned growing up the secular equivalent of the old, Catholic examination of conscience. He went back over what he'd said to Bug and asked himself if he'd done the best he could at answering truthfully. He knew that he had kept some things back; not exactly omissions but rather failures to elaborate. It had seemed much more important to explain about the relationship he felt he needed with Bug than to try to explain that he was quite deliberate in not looking at his little brother in any other than a brotherly way. It wasn't even he acknowledged to himself that Bug was his brother, though of course that was part of it. On honest reflection he recognised that the stronger constraint he placed on himself was not looking at boys younger than himself. Spud knew that there was nothing perverse in him, but he nonetheless had decided that he wouldn't let his eyes (let alone his hands) linger on anyone significantly younger than himself and by his calculation, Bug was in that category. His brother was beautiful, he knew it, and although he hadn't said so, if Spud were honest with himself he could easily get as confused as Patrick about his feelings. But Spud rarely had trouble doing the right thing - or what he sincerely believed was the right thing. Today his priority had been to make Bug understand how loved he was and to concentrate his feelings on being a brother.
Bug, meanwhile, lay similarly in his own room looking over the afternoon's events. He blushed slightly remembering how he'd cried but he wasn't truly ashamed. He understood things enough to know that crying wasn't a bad thing when it was about something serious. His conversation with Spud had been emotionally draining but it had gone more or less as Bug had expected. He felt just a bit guilty. He hadn't lied to Spud nor really misled him but when the time had come he hadn't told Spud that he had known - more or less - what his older brother would say in response to his revelation. He had harboured some small hope that Spud would find another answer than Bug had come up with. But he hadn't. Spud had confirmed the conclusion that Bug had already come to himself: that it would be wrong to mix up his love for his brother as a family member and his other feelings of attraction to him. Bug allowed himself a sigh before he turned his head into his pillow and drifted off to sleep, suddenly exhausted by whole afternoon.
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Finish the story.......
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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And I have one question.....
Bug..... Spud?????????
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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yaklow
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Getting started |
Registered: April 2007
Messages: 2
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bug as in erm well like rugrat? munchkin? little bug of a brother?
spud: all the irish boys at school were spud, it's for potato
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Not sure why the email bounced. Never mind, we can solve that later.
Where the paragraphs are very dense, consider splitting them. Dark paragraphs, especially before we know the characters, are hard to read.
Look at the number of times names are used in live conversations, and do a little editing to reflect this in written ones. I think you use names more than usual, and this can be reduced with simple use of pronouns. While http://iomfats.org/storyshelf/guide/writing.html is not necessarily "correct" it has some indicators that people seem to find helpful.
I like what I've read so far. I'd like to see more before I say "yes, we'll host it," but I think it is well written and worth writing. I like the younger brother a lot already. I'm starting to get to know the elder.
I have no clue where the story is heading. From here it could go into the past or the future, or both, so it has huge potential
[Updated on: Sun, 22 April 2007 08:10]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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