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These are clippings from church newsletters and Sunday bulletins. I've been collecting these for years.
_________________
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be
speaking tonight at The Calvary Memorial Church in
Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way
from Africa.
_______________
Don't forget the National PRAYER & FASTING Conference.
"The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer
conference includes meals."
___________________
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday
at 8 PM in the school recreation hall. Come out and
watch us kill Christ the King.
___________________
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way
Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
___________________
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance
to get rid of those things not worth keeping around
the house. Don't forget your husbands."
____________________
Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the
Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends
are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
____________________
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
canceled due to a conflict.
___________________
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight will be: "Searching for Jesus"
_____________________
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
______________________
Barbara Jones remains in the hospital and needs blood
donors for more transfusions. She is also having
trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's
sermons.
_______________________
The Rector will preach his farewell message after
which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
______________________
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
"hell" to someone who doesn't care much about
you, and hopefully they will respond.
_______________________
Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.
_______________________
Irving Benson and Jessica Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that
began in their school days.
___________________
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the
church hall. Music will follow.
_____________________
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will
be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir
practice.
______________________
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the
addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
_______________________
The senior choir invites any member of the
congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.
_______________________
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other
items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to
cripple children.
______________________
For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.
________________________
Please place your donation in the envelope along with
the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
________________________
Attend this meeting and you will hear an excellent
speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
_________________________
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment, and gracious hostility.
________________________
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.--prayer and
medication to follow.
________________________
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of
every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday
afternoon.
_________________________
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in
the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and
come prepared to sin.
_______________________
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10
AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship
Hall after the B.S. is done.
___________________
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles for
the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
______________________
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 8
PM, Please use the back door.
_______________________
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
"Hamlet" in the Church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The
Congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
_____________________
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door
at the side entrance.
_____________________
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week
for testes.
_____________________
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new
tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My
Pledge - Now Up Yours."
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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mihangel
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Likes it here |
Location: UK
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 192
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From service sheets, if they're permissible:
---------------------------------------------------
Hymn (all standing): Stand up, stand up for Jesus
Sermon: What are we standing for?
---------------------------------------------------
Hymn: Guide me, O thou great redeemer
Sermon: Are we going the right way?
---------------------------------------------------
(Hymn) Forty days and forty nights
Thou wast farting in the wild ...
---------------------------------------------------
Hymn: Come, ye faithful, raise the anthem,
Cleave the skies with shouts of praise
Followed by prayers for the deaf.
---------------------------------------------------
Solo by Mrs Bartholomew (no applause, please)
Psalm 47: O clap your hands together, all ye people
---------------------------------------------------
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I saw something the other day:
Sitting in a church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Not a blooper and yet funny.
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I've been to several churces (even been baptised/had my confirmation in one), still not a christian. 
Anyway, more fun stuff here: http://kickme.to/tezmitch
Clickie the pictures link... Some of the stuff is (more than) a bit rude/crude so viewer discretion advised I guess, but still many good laughs there.
Someone's being awfully mean to poor smith though! Scroll down to the bottom of the pics page and you'll understand what I mean.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Michael Simon
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 92
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Churches can be funny... 
Re: Churches can be funny... 
I can attest to the truthfulness of those words. 
Thanx David, I did not laugh that much in weeks!!!! 
