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Ever have one of those days where everything goes great. It's all peaches and candy. And then, out of no where, something bad happens that completely makes you wonder whats your doing here?
lol. I"m just thinkig this as I type it, so pay not mind to it. lol. I'm always thinking about soemthing, one way or the other. I guess being made fun of and somewhat anti-social/'emo' made me this way. lol. I find it easier to talk to people on MSN. Or on some Messaging chat club type thing... On a computer... yes, thats how dull my life has become. lol. I'm completely anti-social and i hardly talk to my friends unless they ask me something. I dont jump right into conversations, tho I can see myself doing it in my head and chatting away, I just dont. And I guess I'm strange like that.
Whats wierd is like. I want to meet someone. And I know that, and I'd completely love to. But im like scared shitless and intimidated by others. And as much as I'd love for a guy to hug me and put his arms around me, if that ever happened id be like 'wtf, get off me.' im so wierd. cause i want to be close to someone. physically close, you know, cuddling, stuff like that. sexually, no. i jsut cant be with someone sexually...
but see, theres the thing... i'd love to be sexually close to someone... just not in their pants.. cuase lets not go there. and i say i dont want to, but i really do.. and its wierd... 'says the guy who watches gay porn whenever he can.' lol. not to mention my little shouta obsession.. whatever that is...
its a 'habit that im trying to break.' and if i was trying to break it, how come i always end up going back to it... cuase you're a jerk... your not a jerk... you're just different..
a lot of people are different.
i guess, but you're unique..
and what in the world makes me unique?
you like someone. or you see someone you're attracted to... naturally you cant go right up to them and say 'hi,' then you dream of the person, constantly staring at them at lunch time...
thats how its supposed to go tho, maybe... some one you see, you like, and you know it, but of course you dont say anything to them, cuase your shy..
yes, you are shy Josh.
I know... anyway... its just so stupid... and i think im stupid... cause i have these wierd conversations in my head. i dont say this sort of stuff. and i cant. its too hard to say, so i write it down on my LJ. its easier for me to do that.
when in actuality, when you were going to the gay meetings with other people you actually walked up to a person (boy) and asked him 'are you gay?' and he said 'im bisexual'
SHOCK!
lol. yes, i know. im wierd like that... i say i dont like being close to people or what not, but thats not true... okay, it is true, on some days. others its not... im wierd like that...
yep, you are... we're totally having a Sora/Roxas brotherly love moment here..
only one problem... you all are in my head.
yes, yes we are.
*sigh*
anyway people. please forgive my... wierd.. behaviour. talk to you all later.
~Josh~
21.
Love who you want to.
~Josh~
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Sorry to inform you Josh, but you are not the only one like that. There are many of us out here. I have so many arguments with myself in my own head that I often get a headache from listening to it. When I was in H.S. we did not have the term 'emo', but I guess that's what woulda described me. I remember wanting sex so bad but being frightened to death about having it. I did finally conquer the fear and then took it to the opposite extreme, kinda like making up for lost time. Damn, did that ever traumatize me. I guess I'm trying to say that there is no easy solution other than to take baby steps and eventually find or make a connection with some one. Don't think of yourself as weird tho. This post could have been made by almost any one of us here at one time or another.
I am really hoping you find some one with whom you can share plenty of good times with. There is some other scared boy out there right now looking for you. You just have to meet. I know that's the hard part but life just aint easy. It just makes me feel sad that you are feeling this way, that's all. You are a special guy, Josh. It will happen. I can almost promise you that.
I just wish you joy and happiness and I hope you find it soon.
your friend always, aqua 
There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. Washington Irving
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Thanks Aqua.^^ You're sweet. You get more cookies^^ *bakes you more*^^
*huggles*^_^
~Josh~
21.
Love who you want to.
~Josh~
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