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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13798
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For many years, both before and after I married, I tried very hard to convince myself that I was actually heterosexual. I considered Pavlov and reasoned that masturbating over pictures of attractive naked women would ensure that I associated sexual pleasure with the naked female form. This is wholly logical and sensible, and had some effect.
It meant that I was able to function sexually with girls, and able to learn how to be a very good lover. I'm not boasting. Being a good lover is a breeze. Any fool can do it if they think.
Before the internet my naked imagery was restricted to magazines like Penthouse. Playboy was always a waste of effort. Playgirl was amusing, but the naked hunkery usually had a staple in his todger. I am not into piercings!
As the internet arrived in my life I was able to see naked pictures of both genders. I was able to check what my dick was interested in. I still check periodically.
This may be too much information!
My favourite pictures are of penetration of a lithe body by another lithe body. If the face is absent I can picture cute faces in my head anyway. So I seek out slim girls and slim guys, with that sheen of youth that twenty somethings still have.
The reactions to each are noticeably different:- Male penetrating female gets a twitch of interest. Sex itself is interesting, and thus I am interested. But I do not find female genitalia appealing, and it remains as a twitch. I can't visualise myself in the position at all, yet I have been there many times
- Male penetrating male and I get very interested indeed. I can visualise myself in either role.
I was wondering whether anyone else had experiences related to this they might want to share.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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the presence of women has never been a turn on for me sexually... i know they wre needed... but just not by me...
I have had many many many many many many many many experiences male-male veriety you mentioned and as for sharing..... well of course my dear... just wade right in... the water's fine and the more the merrier.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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I never tried to make myself straight, or jerked off over straight porn. But when straight porn was being shown round the school, I admit it got me turned on - but at 13/14, most things did!
Nowadays, pictures of naked women do nothing for me - neither excitement not disgust. If straight porn had an attractive guy in it, well, possibly.
I think I feel about sex with women much the same as I feel about sex with guys I don't physically fancy - that is to say, I can do it, have done it, and (for me) it's about giving pleasure and cementing a relationship rather than about sex or lust.
Sex with a guy I'm in love with is also about that, of course, but there's a whole further level. For me - as essentially a very self-controlled person - it has a lot to do with a complete abandonment of self.
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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Our experiences are remarkably similar. Yours has a happier ending I think. And your invitation to share them has struck a deep cord. I've never shared this much personal knowledge about myself so publicly, but I think it's about time.
There is quiet a bit of self that goes into the writing of a story - obviously; you write about what you know about. A constant theme or thread in my writing is at least one person struggling very hard with sexual identity.
Like Timmy, from puberty on I would attempt to visualize women when I masturbated - trying, hopefully, to alter what I saw as an inexorable slide into perversity. God, I wanted to be straight so badly! I dated and had sexual relations with a number of women but the sexual part would only work if I were fantasizing at the time - and not about them of course.
The result was that I had few close relationships, outside of friendship, with anyone - male or female. I never married because the idea of having to perform sexually seemed far more of a chore than a pleasure - a constant reminder of who, or what, I really was.
When I finally stepped from the closet and closed the door for the last time, I was in my late forties. But by then I had built up so many anxieties and fears that I made no attempts to pursue a relationship - running from them actually.
So, using the stubborn denial of my sexuality as a spade, I had dug a hole over the years with sides so steep as to seem unassailable. Today I spend my time urging others, by my writing, to overcome their fears and anxieties, before they are acid etched in stone, and to reach for the stars. So few stars are visible from the bottom of a hole.
I'm not whining about the way things have turned out. I have lots of interests and friends to pursue them with. I have also gained a world of knowledge and experiences, good and bad, to share with others. And after all, isn't sharing what it's all about?
Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
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I still say you can pretty much apply the Bell Curve to the subject of human sexuality. So if ya have str8 on the far left and gay on the right I think I could place myself about mid way down the right side, where as NW and Marc seem to be almost at the end of the curve on the right side.
LOL I have had sex with girls but as with Timmy the only ones I could get it up for had boyish bodies, thin hips and almost no breast to speak of, and then it wasn’t so much I was turned on enough I was just horny enough.
I guess I was lucky as far as porn goes, the earliest stuff I saw were naturist mags, and I can tell you for sure it was the guys dangly bits that got the most response.
One other thing, sure good sexual performance is easy, yeah you can be good at it, but I think depth of feeling is really what makes it great. My last lover and I were both in our forties and I can tell you the signs of our age was showing, but ya know, it wasn’t our lithe (though we were both fairly thin and in shape) young bodies that made the sex fantastic, it was the depth with which we could relate and communicate both mentally and physically.
People will tell you where they've gone
They'll tell you where to go
But till you get there yourself you never really know
Where some have found their paradise
Other's just come to harm
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13798
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if you are waiting for someone's permission to climb out of the hole, I give you mine. And I pass you a ladder.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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.............................................................................
.................................:-*
Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Sharing is part of what it is about.....
it is so easy to sit comfortably at the bottom of that hole... believe me i know..... but when someone reaches down and lends you a hand up take it...
stories are all well and good..... but they are only words on a paper or a screen...
True writing can offer a release but unless any writer is willing to allow him/her self to grow with the words they write then the pages just build into a different kind of wall.... or hole as the case may be.
they are no substitutes for a life....
[Updated on: Tue, 26 June 2007 20:37]
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13798
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was that you, climbing up the ladder?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Ladder? Hell, I thought it was a rope ... har, har, har!
Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13798
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but, seriously, the ladder is in place, it's long enough, and is easy to climb.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Looking back at my sexual encounters with girls and women I realised some years ago that I never really enjoyed them and that they happened because that was what was expected.
Hugs
Nigel
I dream of boys with big bulges in their trousers,
Never of girls with big bulges in their blouses.
…and look forward to meeting you in Cóito.
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Oh dear. In my case, pictures of penetration (male or female) are a total turn-off. As are explicit photographs of genitalia (male or female) or breasts (female).
The best it gets as far as I'm concerned are those of a good-looking face (and there I don't necessarily mean classical beauty -- but I do mean a pleasant smile) and an athletic body (male or occasionally female). Definitely artistic photographs rather than pornography. Anything more explicit and ... well, it just doesn't work for me.
This doesn't mean I'm turned off by the idea of participating in sex, only that I find watching it boring. I can't pretend I'm part of it if I'm not. One might say I must be lacking in imagination, but in that case I would retort that I don't need an imagination to find artistic photographs of good-looking young men (or the rare woman) sexy.
Odd, eh?
David
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In all actuality it is not. When the plaster sets in the mold until it is hard, the figure that emerges is pretty much set for its existence. I've tried to remold myself, with as much success as the copies of Penthouse had on my libido. This is not some new revelation for me but something I have been trying to change for a great many years. I've just grown weary with the effort and am willing to be happy with the wonderful friendships I have and commonalities of interests. My life is not barren by any means. And as I constantly meet new people I haven't give up on the idea that one of them may actually be for me.
I didn't post what I did seeking some sort of redemption or pity but as a nudge for other, younger people to not fall prey to self incrimination. Of course I recognize that this is a different generation and the social pressures that kept me closet bound have eased greatly - but I know there are those that are still fearful. And there are those who have had a horrendous past. Marc is one who has the youth and courage to fight his demons and emerge as a whole person. So, as you admonished me Marc, don't let the hole become a place of comfort. I'll still keep trying if you will.
Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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When I used to think I was straight, if I asked I could name a number of girls at school that I found hot/ pretty.
When I masturbated, it was a different story. I would always fantasise about other guys. I distinctly remember swimming in grade 7-8, I would look forward to changing afterwards for the chance I'd get to see how the other boys were developing. I used to want to jack off with other guys, I had one friend in particular; he was quite short, so I nicknamed him "pin-dick" and when he said his dick wasn't small, I'd retort "prove it". Looking back on it, I had little hope of success, but it was worth a try! I always found guys sexy, although before I realised I was gay, it was purely sexual- I didn't even pay attention to faces or bodies!
When I got online, at age 15, my first search was something along the lines of "teenage boys naked", rather than "hardcore lesbian porn". It didn't turn up much- I soon learnt that I had to use the keyword "gay" if I wanted any hope of finding the type of porn I wanted.
Male solo porn probably appeals to me the most. I like penises- I like seeing penises and in penetrative sex often the view of the penis is obscured. Male-male penetrative porn is definitely something I can enjoy, though!
I've looked at female porn, even recently, just out of curiosity. Something about it not only doesn't appeal, but half the time I feel physically sick. I don't know if it's the nuts and bolts of it- the appearancel; or if it's just the way "straight" porn is shot- often far more degradingly than gay porn. Straight porn often only has the male enjoying themselves- Gay porn usually has both parties enjoying it!
I'm definitely at the more "gay" end of the sexuality scale. I still don't rule out the possibility of being attracted to females- and sometimes I feel a physical chemistry towards certain females. But female genetalia is something that really puts me off. I could probably deal with it if I had to, if I fell in love. But I like penis. That's what it comes down to.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13798
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I should mention that my masturbation "internal fantasies" were initially non existent - I gloried in the mechanical sensations - until they suddenly involved boys. And only boys.
I tried very hard to picture girls, but boys always arrived at the operative moment.
It was only looking at magazines that allowed me to imagine girls.
Later, when married and attempting procreation (for real!) we were not fertile. I had to go to the hospital to produce into a pot. They provided helpful magazines, one of which had a distant shot of a naked, flaccid man. Odd how I recall that shot above all others despite naked femaleness being in the foreground.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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