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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I am beginning to be able to think about restarting. I refuse to feel guilty, though I do feel a duty to restart soon. But I have been neglecting a great deal while my mother is hospitalised, visiting almost daily on an 80 mile heavy traffic round trip, and it's been rather draining. On Friday she will have been there for 6 weeks, and there is no sign of her release.
They let her catch Clostridium Difficile - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clostridium_Difficile - while in hospital and, at 88, rising 89, she is in poor shape to fight it, and is very ill.
So forgive me if the story updates are not happening. They should be really easy to do, easier than writing this message, for example, but some tasks seem unperformable when under stress whereas others, like free writing, are somehow easier.
I know others have offered to help. It's a simple task, but not a trivial one. And, being a perfectionist I would check everything anyway.
[Updated on: Tue, 26 June 2007 21:09]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Timmy
I should think most people would understand perfectly well what you must be going through at this time and realise that life events must sometimes take priority.
You and your mother are in our thoughts.
Mike.g
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Tim.... you take all the time you need.......
this is just a website and your mom is real life....
huggs tight.......
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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That says it for me too buddy. We love you.
Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
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Timmy, family must always come first. Even if your mother recovers sufficiently to leave hospital at an age of 89 it stands to reason that you will not have her for many years. My mother died unexpectedly at the age of 70 after three weeks in hospital. It is then that you realise how much you miss them. My best wishes for your mother's recovery.
Hugs
Nigel
I dream of boys with big bulges in their trousers,
Never of girls with big bulges in their blouses.
…and look forward to meeting you in Cóito.
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daffey44
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Getting started |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2004
Messages: 23
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As I indicated in a private message, I was far more concerned that the absence of updates indicated your possible illness or injury than I was about my periodic fix of good fiction.
An ill parent -- especially an aged parent -- might be even worse than personal illness. First of all, there is someone ill whose ability to fight illness and "spring back" is impaired by age. Then there is the stress on you from seeing a rock of your existence eroding.
My mother just turned 97. While her body is quite sound for someone even younger, her mind is in another universe. Thus, I'm well aware of your feelings. Fortunately for me, my mother is in an excellent care facility. I don't have the stress of dealing with her illnesses, rages, or dementia. I only feel stress when I visit her and try to hold a conversation with her.
I wish you well in dealing with your mother's illness. Now that I know what is happening, I will remain patient regarding your Web site.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I have just come back from the hospital. I will be somewhat preoccupied for the next few days, and more than a little busy.
When I walked in to her room she was ostensibly asleep on her bed. Cheerfully I said "hello". She didn't greet me. She said, instead, very clearly and entirely lucidly "I want to die. I've had enough and I want to die."
She has refused all food and drink and any attempt at resuscitation. She is in total command of her faculties. I have witnessed her wishes with the attending doctor and tomorrow we are making arrangements for her to die at home.
I trust you will understand if I am not answering emails over the next period. Paradoxicially I will be here for light relief.
I would ask for simple prayers for Connie, currently in Epsom General Hospital, that her end is peaceful, painless, and as swift as she wishes. She and I have not always got on well, but she is a good woman. If there is a heaven she deserves to be there.
After her death we plan a simple funeral where we can grieve, and an excellent party, at her house, to celebrate her life, with fun and laughter.
I do now feel precisely as if I am watching a slow suicide, though she is dying anyway. I have many odd and conflicting emotions, but, and this is important, she and I have said all we need to say to each other.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Jedediah
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Likes it here |
Location: Made in NZ
Registered: March 2006
Messages: 170
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Sorry timmy. I think i know how you're feeling, that's exactly how my grandmother died. She was 97, old and tired. She decided that she wanted to die and refused any food or drink. The doctor said that they could've kept her alive, with drips and stuff, but there was no point - she'd had enough.
It was a peaceful passing, hope it's the same for your mum. Thinking of you & yours.
E Te Atua tukuna mai ki au te Mauri tauki te tango i nga mea
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My mother died in 2001. I'm hoping that what I may write will be helpful; if not please ignore it and accept my apologies.
She had lived alone since my father died in 1989 and had always asked never to be put in a nursing home.
She fell downstairs in 1997 and hit her head and was found nest day by her daily help in a pool of blood.
After nearly a month in hospital she went to a convalescent home. She had lost most of her memory and I had the feeling that she was pretending at least some of the time when she said she remembered people who came to see her. She lived near Hastings and I lived in Bristol. I could not keep up visits every weekend at four hours drive each way so I brought her to Bristol and - yes - put her in a nursing home.
She had forgotten her wish. She accepted it and I visited her almost every day for the four years before she died. During this time she gradually lost more and more of her marbles. She no longer remembered my father or her grandchildren or great grandchildren. Shown a picture of my father and herself gardening at the house where they lived since 1972 she said "Who is that man? Where is that place? I've never seen it.'
So, when she died, to my surprise it was no loss. She had so long ceased to be the person I knew that she was already gone.
Luckily my heterosexual brother had predeceased her. I had never got on with him and had he lived there would have been endless arguments about what to do. I don't know if I could have borne it.
As it was I had to sell the house and dispose of the contents (mostly given away to her relations) and handle the estate. It was a lot of work since my brother lived in France and his family were in France Austria and England and his children were to have his inheritance shared between them.
One consolation you may have was denied to me as I am a devout atheist and can't bear priests or churches.
I do hope you get through without incapacitating distress.
Love
Anthony Camacho
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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My father died a long drawn out death form Parkinson's disease. So I know precisely where you are coming from. My mother was able bodied until they gave her a barium enema that never cleared out, and necessitated exploratory surgery, which led to their giving her a superbug.
Poor love, no wonder she's exhausted and wants it to be over. It's just that, this is not the way anyone should die.
I'd like to have the consolation of religion. She does not have it. I offered her a chaplain and she refused. Her decision all the way through.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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She is angry that it will take several days. I have no idea what to talk to her about when I visit her, now.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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huwar
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Getting started |
Registered: May 2004
Messages: 13
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My heart is with you. My mum, aged 93, was lucky in that she was on life support following surgery and fully raional. With family and medical staff present she declared that she wanted the plug pulled. I only had to look at the surgeon and say "you heard what she said" and the order was given.
I hope you may find as easy an exit.
As for the site - don't worry. I think of that summer reading we have to look forward to when when you have spare time.
hugs hugh
don't ask the way to peace; peace is the way
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Dear Timmy,
You have my deepest sympathy and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your mother. I also hope that when she's gone, the good memories of her, those of fun and laughter, are the ones which will stay with you.
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I hope that your mother's final hours will be a time of healing for her and for you, and that, in this time of grieving and remembering, you will also know the comfort that comes from being surrounded by those who love you.
Hugs from someone who has silently drawn great sustenance from your good works,
peter
"Yisgaddal v'yiskaddash sh'mei rabba b'alma di v'ra chirusei..."
[Updated on: Mon, 02 July 2007 07:41]
"Tu non altro che il canto avrai del figlio, o materna mia terra..."
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Today she has decided to live.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Tim,
My Mom felt the same way. She was 95 and tired and just wanted to go. She was in pain and so was a blessing for her to go. It's been 5 years now but because we were so close, I still miss her very much. What to say to her? Just tell her you love her and how thankful you are for all she's done for you. She will appreciate knowing you realize her love. You both are in my prayers. Bless you, Tim.
Tad Durham
Belfast, Maine U S A
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daffey44
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Getting started |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2004
Messages: 23
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The time may come when YOU are asked to make a decision about your mother's care.
23 years ago, my grandmother broke her hip. After surgery to repair the hip, Grandma had an embolism. Since she was unconscious, the doctor asked my Aunt Edith (Grandma's oldest child) for permission to operate to remove the clot. Edith declined to decide, referring the issue to my mother (Grandma's middle child).
Mom asked the doctor what would happen if no surgery was performed. The doctor said that Grandma would die. Mom told the doctor that Grandma was already 95, in much pain, and not happy at living so long. Therefore, Mom said that there would be no surgery for the embolism. About three days later, Grandma died. Mom then felt a great deal of guilt from refusing the surgery.
I asked my mother: "If that had been you in the hospital and the doctor asked me for permission to operate, what would you have wanted me to tell the doctor?"
Mom strongly replied: "I would have wanted you to let me die!"
I told Mom: "Then, you made the right decision for Grandma."
Thus, I suggest to you, make a loving decision for your mother in the same manner that you want a loved one to make for you. Whether the decision is to prolong life or to end it, it will be the right decision; and you should not feel guilty about it (although you will indeed feel some guilt).
By the way, with my Mom now two years older than Grandma was when she died, I don't have to make any decision. Mom already made it by executing a durable power of attorney for health care before dementia overtook her. In that document, Mom declared that she definitely does not want her life prolonged by artificial means. I have executed a similar document, as have my wife and daughter; my wishy-washy son (now 40) has not yet made up his mind.
Remember the tragedy of Terri Schiavo, who was only 26 when her brain died but who lingered in a vegetative state for 15 years, dividing not only her family but an entire nation over whether to keep her alive or allow her to die. You are never too young to talk to your loved ones about your end-of-life wishes. And you're never too young to put your wishes in a legally enforceable document.
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You know I'm not religious timmy, so I can't pray for your family, but I am a human being so I offer you my emotional support instead. I hope your mother finds comfort and peace.
I can't really begin to understand what you're going through right now, my adoptive father went through the same thing when his mother died many years ago now. She'd always been a thin, but strong woman, always on the move, always talking, doing things. Going out on walks, or to pick fruit, berries or mushrooms, cooking up great meals like when she entertained guests with her doctor husband at her upper-class dinners in the 1940s.
Towards the end of her life she'd developed a bleeding ulcer, they tried to operate, but she was just too old and weak to heal, so she too chose to refuse food and drink. In the end, there was just my father there to keep her company as she laid there delirious and dying on the hospital bed; his brother and two sisters never made it there in time. She lived to be 88 years old.
I know this affected him deeply. He's never been the kind of person to talk about emotions, but this I know even without needing to hear him talk about it. Once, a while after the funeral, I heard him cry out for her in his sleep, when I've never heard him make a sound before (other than snoring anyway).
Both of my parents are now getting rather old them as well, around 70 both of them. Even though my relationship with them have been rather complicated at times I can't help but dread the day they too lie there. I don't know what I'd do. Would I be able to be there with them until the end?
Therefore, I can only hope you find within you the strength to deal with your situation, and offer my thoughts and wishes to you and your mother.
I hope that will be enough. Take care, my friend.
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Hi Lenny........
I have missed hearing about your walks........
Nice to see you are still about.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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