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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I hate the fact that I was, by circumstances, wholly unable to talk properly to any of the boys I was attracted to, and that society trained their potential bad rejection had I done so.
This has all come about in my head because I have, for the past eight weeks, travelled almost daily to the town I went to school in, and past the homes at the time of the three boys who were the absolute main ones I was attracted to. Everything these past weeks, and for a few weeks yet to come I fear, has been reminding me constantly of how much I created a world of my own where I lived in apparent contentment, secure in the fabricated "love" from those three boys.
As I think it through it was a ridiculous behaviour, even to start, but fantasy does that.
The reality is far harsher. While I am convinced that the first, John, had some sort of feelings of friendship, perhaps even homoerotic thoughts, towards me, I don't think he necessarily liked me. Yet I pretended he did, or could, or would. Those thoughts were enough to sustain me, and yet harm me at the same time. He is the reason this site exists, and yet I wish that it had no need to be here.
The second, Fraser, was a younger boy in my house (John was also in my house and a little older), striking in appearance, of great personality and fun to talk to. I liked Fraser as a person and I think he liked me, yet senior boys were not able to be friends with junior boys in those days. He was happy, carefree, outgoing, and just plain good company when I could contrive it. He was wholly heterosexual. I made up any possibility of his being the least bit interested in me.
The third, Paul, was a mystery. He was four years my junior, and I never knew him or anything much about him. He was in a different house, and we were not encouraged to mix between houses. He was stunning to look at, and he flirted with me. That was bizarre in itself. Why would he do that? As time passes I realise that he flirted with everyone because he was a flirt. He didn't even have to know you to flirt with you, he was just outgoing and flirted. It was highly unlikely to have been sexually motivated, it was just his way. Naturally the flirting stirred my doe eyed worship of him from afar.
It's been against this backdrop of three boys whose existence I allowed to affect me that I have been visiting the hospital, and it's been horrible. I both hate it and also love the fraudulent memories I constructed of the times that were 42 years ago.
But there is something that will come out of it. I have made the decision to submit an article to my old school magazine, the alumni magazine, describing something of my experiences at the school against a backdrop of how times and attitudes have changed. I've no idea if they'll publish it, and I know it has missed this year's edition. If they publish it then I will be pretty much "out" formally. And that is neither important nor unimportant. I might even discover who longed for me at the time. I bet I loathed him.
[Updated on: Tue, 17 July 2007 12:45]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Great big huggs.......
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Timmy wote:
>…and he flirted with me. That was bizarre in itself. Why would he do that? As time passes I realise that he flirted with everyone because he was a flirt. He didn't even have to know you to flirt with you, he was just outgoing and flirted.<
Some boys are natural flirts, tarts, or even lushes, as we used to call them, just as some girls are natural flirts. The answers to why are various. They simply love imposing themselves on the consciousness of others and find that they can do so by flirting. Sometimes it is sexual, sometimes it is innocent, but even if it starts as being non-sexual, the reaction can soon become sexual whether consciously or unconsciously. It's a great boost to your ego if another boy, especially a younger one, is deliberately attracting your attention. And of course it encourages them if that attention is reciprocated.
I often think back to the boys that tarted in front of me. Although my reaction could never be physical, it is possible to communicate appreciation in other ways - a glint in the eye, a smile, a remark, even preferential treatment. And of course this encouraged both parties. I adored those boys and I can only asume they adored me to a lesser or greater degree or they wouldn't have done it in the first place. I am only grateful that I had sufficient self-control, or fear, not to do anything stupid serious about it. I could have done and I hate to think of the consequences.
Timmy, I would say look back at such flirtations without regret and enjoy them for what they were at the time and what they are now - memories.
Hugs
Nigel
I dream of boys with big bulges in their trousers,
Never of girls with big bulges in their blouses.
…and look forward to meeting you in Cóito.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I loved it. Adored it, went out of my way to cultivate it. He was just gorgeous inside and out. Ah well 
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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The only person I can remember flirting with at school (and then only very occasionally) was a good friend who has actually turned out to be gay. Nothing ever came of it though, because both of us were firmly in the closet.
I was too frightened of doing so with other people, particularly those I found attractive. I find being attracted to someone acutely embarrassing, even if it's entirely appropriate.
My youth is not entirely behind me, however, so I ought to get a move on and stop thinking what 'might have been' at school.
[Updated on: Wed, 18 July 2007 12:49] |
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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That feeling of embarrassment? Welcome it and go for it. It's part of the fun. Really, it is.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Zambezi
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Toe is in the water |
Location: Various (!)
Registered: January 2004
Messages: 40
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I never consciously flirted with anyone, nor they me, but I had a very close friend - four years younger than me - to whom I was platonically close where the odd hug or arm around a shoulder might have taken place behind closed doors. Like many schools, mine was one where relationships between boys of different age groups was absolutely unheard of. I swear to everything holy that I never felt any kind of sexual attraction to him at the time. Yet, somehow, the people around us "knew" something was in the air between us, even though it took me years to it work out myself. This led to some fairly sordid speculation, accusations, "jokes", and occasionally downright homophobia towards both of us even though he is irretrievably straight and I had not even recognised my own bisexuality myself.
My close friends from school - I keep in touch with four of them regularly, including The Boy, plus another four less regularly - know about my bisexuality. Those who knew him know about my feelings for The Boy too, and indeed many "knew" before I did. Personally I would have little problem coming out via the alumnus magazine or Fiends Reunited or a banner towed by a light aircraft should I feel the need to do so. Like I said, the only ones I am that bothered about keeping in touch with already know, and I know of at least three others from around my time there who are all out.
The problem I have is that, were I to come out, there are people involved in this besides me whom I have sworn to protect. Even without naming names, far from flushing out anyone who might have fancied me (the thought of which fills me with dread) it would throw an unwelcome spotlight on The Boy and - conceiveably - start a witchhunt amongst my other associates of the day. I'm not ashamed of my feelings for The Boy, and I figure that if anyone takes the trouble to ask me about my sexuality now they have probably already worked it out and are unlikely to care. But to shout it from the rooftops to all and sundry is a different matter altogether.
Tim, John has made it clear that he doesn't want to be in touch with you any more. But supposing there are others he does keep in touch with. Even if you don't name names, is there a possibility that one of them - maybe even his father - might work it out? And the other two? Would that be fair on them?
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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John's father died some time ago. An alumnus, he would have read the magazine had he been alive, and attached no significance to me at all. He never knew me except for a couple of lifts home in his car. John's brother would be amused. He was always amused at my expense. The other two? I don't see how it can possibly even really make their radar.
Well, maybe Paul the flirt might just notice, because my name in huge graffiti was linked with his many tomes over in our prefects' study wall in letters many inches high. He'll have heard of that, I'm sure of it. But will he care? Lord knows.
The purpose of the article is to highlight the state of affairs then, and to try to open a few eyes.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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