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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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A lot of people think I should do something. All my aquaintances and friends collectivly agree, my new psychiatrist and psychologist agree...
The lawyers agree......
The executors agree......
The agents and bank agree......
But......
I know I have to do it. The thing is that I don't want to. I have to go to a place I vowed I would never return and I have to undo a thing I never thought would be undone.
I dont want to do it...... I have to and I want to run and hida rather than do it.
I just dont...... I'm terrorfied what I will find... see... feel... want!
The want is the hardest of all... The knowing who stood in that doorway and forever more will never again...
I just dont want to do this...
It's so easy to get caught up in the numbers... it's a lure and a trap...
The more I think about it the more I believe I wont be able to handle it.
I dont know if I can survive that visit...
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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I know this seems obscure... thats because this whole thing is obscure.
I cant help it...
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Marc,
I am very proud of you for getting this far -- I know that you can do it. The very best of luck. I am thinking of you.
Hugs,
David
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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We've discussed this at length. The only thing that is there is a place you have been happy in. No-one has ever said you will not be emotional when you do what has to be done. No-one will tell you "it will all be all right."
All we can tell you is that this is a thing which is freeing, and which will allow you to help others in highly practical ways as well as giving yourself some sorts of comfort after the turmoil dies away.
The real issue here is anticipation rather than the act itself.
I am sure you could, if you choose, retain a professional to supervise and catalogue. I suggest you simply go and do what should have been done years ago, quietly, and as detached as you can be.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Marc, my darling
I've spent alot of time, being with you holding your hand, and loving you
I know what you have to face is hard babyluv... but i also know i will always be by your side damnit so stay strong you can only do as much as you feel comfortable to.
please understand me
I love you Marc
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Dear Marc,
My thoughts are with you, and I wish you the best of luck.
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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Be strong. You've been amazingly strong and can continue to do so.
I've seen great courage in you recently. It hasn't been easy, but you have done it. That's the definition of character.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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I was met by the plane at about 5am saturday morning. as soon as i was strapped into my seat we were heading for NYC...... I was and yet was not so ready for this day.
We landed at Laguardia and was placed into a commutter heliocopter which landed at a pier on the lower west side.
The car took me to the building where i was met by an atorney from the estate and several people they recomended to take appraisals and so forth.
The man with the tool box worked for twenty minutes and the door was unsealed.
i stood there shaking, the people with me began freaking out... i guess i was quite a sight... a mess... It took me a while to collect myself... to be able to walk into that place which had been empty for so long.
when i walked in so many things, people, friends, events, and especially him, standing there in the middle of all those things keeping everything together came rushing back.
That was what he did best. he kept things together... he held me together. I was always weak emotionally, he said i had issues and i needed him... well... just because i needed him.... and he was right.
What hurt most of all were the pictures.... a gallery of places we had been and people we had met over the years... that was hardest to see. I had them taken off the wall and stacked for packing at a later date. The mechanical systems were well maintained. no mould, not even a lot of dust. so many things carry memories. every piece of furniture had a story to tell some from the finding and buying and some from the use.
going from roon to room i realized that after all this time i had accomplished two things. in my attempt to keep the past i locked myself up in its grasp... in going there i made the first step in letting go finally.
When we got to the master bedroom i had to stop and sit down. it took something that i had to gather together to be able to walk into that particular room. it held all our most personal things. little things like trinkets and souveineers from times so far distant i barely remembered them. i sat on a bench and cried for almost an hour... maybe more... what differance does it make.
When it was all done, the lists were made. the measurments taken and a decision was made.
I've decided to donate the lions share of the proceeds to a local childrens hospital in Richard's name... he would have liked that... we contributed regularly when he was alive and he volunteered as well.
It is a fitting end to all this...
I wish it were monday.... I really need to talk to my shrink....
I have a feeling that things are going to become interesting for a while.
I will need to return at several points during the restoration... but once that is done i will just let things go back as they were. I wont need to return so i wont.
Sometimes the right thing to do sucks the big one.....
[Updated on: Sun, 05 August 2007 12:42]
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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I hope that things get better for you Marc... *huggs you tightly.* You know you can talk to me about anything, okay? I'll always be here for you.
~Josh~
21.
Love who you want to.
~Josh~
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It's taken years to face the thing you couldn't face. But now you've done it and the healing can begin. Hold on to your treasured past, but don't let it take charge of your future. You've taken such a giant step. Huggz
Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
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