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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Been sorting stuff out today, and will be sorting more out over the next week or more. I am now an orphan.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Timmy.......I am so sorry. My prayers go out for you and yours. Your mom will always be watching over you. An Orphan has no family and you have one there and you have one here on this site. Wish I could give you a big hug.
Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you......
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Tim, I'm really sorry to hear that. I hope that it wasn't too hard for her. I'm thinking of you and your family. David
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Thanks Curtis
It was not unexpected, and she and I had made our peace with each other long ago. She was a tough old bird, and made 89 years one month and a day.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Her carer was present and witnessed her death. She says it was uneventful, swift, and peaceful. She was rather surprised, since they were half way through a conversation about lunch. I imagine my mother was the more surprised of the two.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Dear Tim, I am very sorry.
Losing our parents is a big watershed in our lives. Suddenly, we are the older generation, and expected by some to be the wise ones.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
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cossie
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On fire! |
Location: Exiled in North East Engl...
Registered: July 2003
Messages: 1699
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Even when you expect it to happen, it's a difficult time and, as Tor said, a watershed in your life. I wish you well.
For a' that an' a' that,
It's comin' yet for a' that,
That man tae man, the worrld o'er
Shall brithers be, for a' that.
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Huggs you tight..... Im sorry Tim..... If there's anything you need....
Just ask....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Dear Timmy,
I wish words could be enough to epress the sorrow for you and those around you. As Curtis said, you know you have an extended family here and our prayers and best wishes go out to you. You were fortunate to have her for 89 years. The one thing I very rairly do and have only done it twice, Im going in the morning and lighting a candle for your mom. Anything you need just ask.
Roger
If you stand for Freedom, but you wont stand for war, then you dont stand for anything worth fighting for.
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*wraps his arms around Timmy and squeezes him tight.
Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
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Tim, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Hugs,
Scott
Cycling is the one sport where a guy can shave his legs, wear spandex and bright colors, and be accepted.
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unsui
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Likes it here |
Registered: September 2007
Messages: 338
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No Message Body
[Updated on: Fri, 24 October 2008 19:51] |
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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It feels a little odd to have, suddenly, responsibility for decisions that never seemed really to be mine.
I have to decide on the funeral, which is oddly hard. In hospital she refused clergy, even on the day she decided to die a few months ago. So we may opt for a secular funeral. There has to be something, because the ceremony is designed and intended to allow tears to flow.
We will have a happy party afterwards at her house. To me that is the most important part.
My problem is that I am also expected to give a eulogy. It's not the giving of it that is the issue, it's that I do not want to lie. You see, for all that her public face was one of a sweet and contented person who was wonderful and loving and everything a mother should be, I grew through my teens in terror of her every finding out I was gay, and was, before that, exhibited as a china doll, not exactly as a real child.
I know I'll get there in the end, but it seems like a huge problem right now. I can't speak the truth without "Speaking ill of the dead", but the fact of death does not make the truth a lie, nor "ill speaking".
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Condolences, Timmy. One only ever has one mother. Mine died fourteen years ago and I still think of her a lot.
Hugs
Nigel
I dream of boys with big bulges in their trousers,
Never of girls with big bulges in their blouses.
…and look forward to meeting you in Cóito.
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Benji
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: August 2007
Messages: 297
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My condolences, I knew you told that she was ill for some time. My Mother passed on last month.
Benji
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Hey Tim. ::hugs::
I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I remember you talking to me about her a long time ago. This has gotta be difficult for you to reconcile your feelings but you'll do fine no matter what you decide to say.
My condolences.
"If you're born a lion, don't bother trying to act tame."
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Just got back from a long weekend away and read your message.
I am so sorry to hear the news. You will be in my thoughts.
You were blessed to have had a period to say goodbye. I hope that you feel that you said all that you needed to say.
Hugs tight,
Nick
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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You know, while this message is for you, Nick, it is for all who have the opportunity. I know that circumstances tore your mother from you untimely young, but you have the chance to say to your father that which you need to say. So take him aside and say it. You may surprise him, or you may not, but say it and listen to him.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Timmy, that is the best advice you can give anyone. Many is the time I wished I could have reconciled with my mother befor she died. she wasnt taken from me when I was young. I disowned her, we didnt meet or speak for almost 40 years. She died and I felt nothing. Later I began to regret my actions. Nick, I dont know you, but if you are at odds with your dad, try and fix it. Do what timmy suggersted. Later in life you will regret not having done it.
If you stand for Freedom, but you wont stand for war, then you dont stand for anything worth fighting for.
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The Story Lover
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Getting started |
Location: Draconis
Registered: May 2007
Messages: 2
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Timmy,
My thoughts and prayers go out to you and if there is anything I can do please let me know. As you know I went through the same thing a little bit ago and I share your pain. However with love from our friends and our family here we will get through this. It won't be easy and it won't be quick but we will.
Hugs and Peace,
The Story Lover
Til we fly again,
TSL
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Orphan? No, you are surrounded by the love of so many friends and family right here. Let them love you and support you and be there for you. Now is the time for your "family" to come to your side in love and caring and be there 24/7 for what ever you need. Bless you Tim.
Tad
Tad Durham
Belfast, Maine U S A
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Dear Tim,
I am sorry to hear about your loss. My thoughts and preys go out to you and yours.
Mike
"And so the lion fell in love with the Lamb"
"What a stupid Lamb"
"What a sick, masochistic lion"
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Nick is not at odds with his father, but he does have a conversation to have with him. There is air that needs to be cleared, and I think his father must always be wondering when that will happen.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Timmy,
You have been in my thoughts these past few days. You have a family here, but I hope you also have people in your life who can give you some non-virtual hugs and lots of love and support.
My most recent major loss was in 2001 (Héctor, my partner,died after an illness). Before that, it was my father (1985), and grandparents, etc. In each occasion, I found some comfort knowing that the acute pain would in time subside, that things would get better.
At my father's funeral, there were glossy eulogies by people who seemed to be speaking about some different person. Then most of the immediate family gathered at his house to talk, cry, and even laugh. We remembered the good, the bad, the ugly and talked about it all. Without this time of honest reflection, it would have been much harder for me to get to the love and even admiration that is mixed in with all of my other feelings.
When Héctor died, we skipped the funeral and had an informal memorial service in our front patio. Relatives, friends, and co-workers were there. Everyone was invited to share memories and, again, we talked about his pain and insecurities, along with stories of his great kindness and warmth. Some of the more negative recollections were saved for more intimate conversations with family, and I think that was appropriate.
I did not intend to write this much. My eyes are moist with sadness, peace, even joy. If you have read this far, you have shared some of this with me, and for that I thank you.
May you be sustained by the love of others, and your inner resources, as you go through your own healing.
Wishing this hug could be in person,
peter
[Updated on: Tue, 23 October 2007 09:57]
"Tu non altro che il canto avrai del figlio, o materna mia terra..."
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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It's strange. I am also giving this advice to my cousin who has something to say to her adoptive mother, my mother's sister. Everyone who has not done it fears they may upset the other adult they are talking to.
Those of us who have done it know that an upset was inevitable, but that the other adult has a perfectly free choice on how they handle their end of the conversation. We are simply responsible for our side of the conversation and making that part go as well as we are able.
I know you and she, Nick, each know it is the right thing to do. And I know you and she have many incorrect reasons to rationalise delaying. But, if they get run over by a bus tomorrow, and the air is not cleared, what then?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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ChowanFarmBoy
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 93
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Timmy, I was very sorry to hear that your mother had passed away. I've been caught up with school and some drama in my life these past few days and so wasn't current on the Forum postings. My sincere sympathy on your loss. I know your relationship wasn't always perfect, but it was the one you had and I know you did your best for her.
Very fondly,
Eldon
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daffey44
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Getting started |
Location: USA
Registered: March 2004
Messages: 23
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I don't read the Forum very often, so the following is somewhat late. It's from "Gates of Repentance", the prayer book used by Reform Jews during the Day of Atonement. Specifically, it's part of the memorial service towards the end of the Day of Atonement.
If some messenger were to come to us with the offer that death should be overthrown, but with the one inseparable condition that birth should also cease; if the existing generation were given the chance to live for ever, but on the clear understanding that never again would there be a child, or a youth, or first love, never again new persons with new hopes, new ideas, new achievements; ourselves for always and never any others -- could the answer be in doubt?
We should not fear the summons of death; we shall remember those who have gone before us, and those who will come after us!
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