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LOSTSOUL
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Getting started |
Registered: November 2007
Messages: 7
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i have dealt with many things in my life. but, this year i have experienced
so much pain! my life is on a tumultuous ride to disaster! i stopped believing in heaven, hell, the devil! it started when i lost my lover of 9.25 years to another man! i loved this man more than myself and cried for 10 months over this loss! i, then, started to deteriorate! i already was dealing with some health issues prior to this. but, i am now suffering with
a depression that won't go away! i have become distant and non-caring about everything! i feel life is not worth living even though i'm over my ex! i was on antidepressants and seeing professional help, but, to no avail! i am considering suicide! but, since i'm afraid of what will happen to me if i kill myself spiritually i can't do it! i'm too chicken to kill myself! so, i thought maybe i should hire someone to do it for me! if only i could find a real solution to my probs, then i could take that path instead! i don't know why i care if anyone sees this or not! but, it may be my inner self trying to sustain my retched life!
if anyone knows of a real solution, then please write to me here!
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Please. Stop and think about this.....
Your posting here is the first step at becoming whole again. I know this for certain because I was standing in your shoes some time ago and this forum helped me to get through it.
I can feel your pain, and I can feel your fear. Open up and tell us what you need to say..... We will listen and we will not judge.
If you want to talk I am on AIM, Yahoo and MSN....... my ID names are on my profile.....
Don't be afraid any more..... and dont take this the wrong way but I think you need this.....
((((((((((((((((((((HUGE HUGGS))))))))))))))))))))
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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I lost my lover of over 30 years to cancer. I thought there was no reason to continue. My health deteriorated and I felt like there was no future for me. I found this site and with the help and understanding of some fabulous people, Cossie, Timmy, Marc, Tor, David and others I was able to pull myself out of the depression I had fallen into. Suicide is the ultimate act of Cowardice. You loved and you lost (Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all), but you can love again. Talk to the guys here and they will listen and offer advice. Its yours to take or leave. Tell us a bit about yourself and you will learn about others here as you go along. Hope you will at least stick around for a while.
If you stand for Freedom, but you wont stand for war, then you dont stand for anything worth fighting for.
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jack
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Likes it here |
Location: England
Registered: September 2006
Messages: 304
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Hi My Friend,
Please think clearly, there is a lot of happy living, in the very near future,
life may seem crap at the moment, it may seem fussy, but you will move through it.
you can talk when ever you want to people here or to me, i think you know that,
These people here will listen and offer advice, but it is up to you to catch the hook.
We want to help you
let us try with your help.
Re Jack
life is to enjoy.
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I have no advice to offer... just my hope that you find a reason to live and a way to work through your very real problems and pain. My partner has attempted suicide.
By the way, thank you for posting here. I know it took work and courage to do that.
You are among friends.
Take care,
Peter
"Tu non altro che il canto avrai del figlio, o materna mia terra..."
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ChowanFarmBoy
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 93
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Ok, here's my input on suicide. Don't do it. All you do is leave a mess for other people to clean up, and you leave them with bad feelings towards you, and not happy memories about you.
You want a real solution? Take a shower, dress in the coolest hottest clothes you have, get out and go to a fun place and start talking. Call an old friend and talk about happy stuff.
Also, I'll give you pieces of advice my grandfather gave me:
"Never complain. Half the people you complain to don't give a damn what happens to you, and the other half are glad bad things are happening to you and not to them."
"Complaining never solved anything, and half the time what you're complaining about is your own damn fault anyway."
[Updated on: Sat, 01 December 2007 02:10] |
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LOSTSOUL
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Getting started |
Registered: November 2007
Messages: 7
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i realize now why i hate myself and the world i live in!
people like eldon are wonderful with their brazen honesty and their feelings that life is cut and dry! i'm 52 and not happy because i can't
just run out and parade in a public arena to pick up a guy or find a man to make part of the pain in my life go away! i'm average looking with fibromyalgia, cluster headaches, asthma, ocd, allergies, and now depression with paranoia! that just the beginning, i don't dare start on my other problems! if i could be young and a pretty boy like eldon, then i wouldn't have as much to complain about would i or be depressed about!
i have even considered becoming a eunuch if it would erase my desires for a man, a woman, or any living creature on this earth! but, that won't stop this pain from every source: mentally, physically, sexually, emotionally, and finally spiritually! i must thank eldon though for his honesty, since he and most of the young crew on earth are blatantly honest! he's right i should not complain or worry about if anyone will miss me if i'm gone because i'm just a spot of dust compared to him and other people on earth!
i don't want sympathy or anything just don't know what i can do to change my life before i actually get the guts to kill myself one way or another!!!!!! since jack told me about this site i decided to give it a try to find maybe hope and not failure! i now know that if i could really get help i may do alright! living with an alcoholic doesn't make me heal better or faster either! i only hope that prayer or a true solution will come! i don't think that i'm a bad guy! i've never killed anyone or harmed anyone! i try to do what is right! but, i feel that even if i do get my life in order, i have a sensitive nature and worry about people and things that i can't change! it is going to be hard not to imagine holding someone to love and to kiss and share my life with. but, i realize that i'm not a catch. so, really why do i want to pretend that it will ever be possible for me to have a mate and who would want someone like me anyway! anyhow my fatigue is setting in from the fibromyalgia and i must stop writing!!!
thanx to all of u even eldon!
but, i don't know if being old, unhealthy, average and more can be stood much longer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
still not sure about my life yet, is it worth anything?
LOSTSOUL
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I'm fat, 55, diabetic, gay but married for reasons I will never understand to a very sweet lady whom I also love, and generally content.
I haven't been through what you've been through and you haven't been through what I've been through. So we're unequal equals.
I've considered suicide, or simply dying by being unhealthier by degrees, and I've found I prefer to be alive. I have things I want to do. I have places I want to see and be.
I miss adrenaline in my life, so I bought some rollerblades. That's rather interesting, adrenaline-wise.
The only thing I have ever wanted is denied me by the person who is the only thing I have ever wanted. It's 42 years now since I fell hopelessly in love. He refuses absolutely to see me. I am not going to kill myself over it, nor think that life is not worth living.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Hell you sound like me.....
Of course life is worth something. There always is something to look forward to... even when it doesnt seem so.... there is.
I know about failing health, it sucks.... but I don't let it get me down, well at least too much...
BUT... and this is a HUGE BUT... You have taken the first step at trying to make things better... You reached out and some people reached back...
That means that some prople do care about you....
Never loose sight of that....
Your friend,
Marc
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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JimB
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Likes it here |
Registered: December 2006
Messages: 349
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I am familiar with both fibromyalgia and cluster headaches and know that both provide a lot of frequent, extreme pain. I am also familiar with the laws of the State of Oregon that allow one to end their life when they have a terminal illness.
My sister recently stayed with a friend while she took the pills that brought her life to an end; much like the shot that did the same for my dog. This was after a party to celebrate her life with her family and friends. The woman attended her own wake and said goodby to each person there.
Suicide need not be messy or leave a bunch of problems for others to take care of. Though I plan to live another 20 to 30 years, my cremation has already been paid for, along with a place for my ashes. The only thing those I leave behind will have to do is gather to celebrate my life. And, like the lady I mentioned above, I may plan that celibration and join them.
I know that most of society does not agree with me, but I believe that a person has every right to end their life when it reaches the point where the quality is less than acceptable. And there is no reason to leave a mess and problems for others to take care of.
Godspeed to you sir! Follow your heart and find your soul.
JimB
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Dear LOSTSOUL,
You feel you are unlovable for the reasons you cited. There are others that feel the same way. We can't all be pretty. We can't always be young. And with age comes infirmities. But with maturity we grow wiser and we see that beauty isn't a surface thing, it lies in the soul. There are other lonely people out there who feel as you do about their health, their looks and their age. It would be possible to connect on a heart to heart basis with one of them. It's just a matter of searching and not giving up the search until you are successful. There are gay groups nearly everywhere. There is a club near my hometown that meets monthly and is composed of mostly older, lonely gay guys. And if you aren't fussy that your potential partner be young, handsome and virile, you have way more than just a chance of connecting with someone. But if you want this thing, LOSTSOUL, you are going to have to go out and search for it... it won't ring the doorbell. Just don't give up or give in to despair. You are stronger than you think. Use that strength to turn things around. You took the effort to reach out, now take the effort to act. Don't make me disappointed in you. :-*
Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
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LOSTSOUL
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Getting started |
Registered: November 2007
Messages: 7
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each of u here has offered me wonderful advice!
however, i'm in a dr. jekyll and mr. hyde dilemma or syndrome now!
it could be due to the ocd or not! anyway, i found that i now know why alot of stuff happens to me and to others(wisdom with age i guess)! i read several other posts besides ones to this post and understand so much!
each of us is suffering, no matter what the facade! so, until anyone walks in another man's shoes he doesn't have a clue as to what pain he is
suffering from! so, i understand the business of a young man wanting an older man and the reverse! at least from my eyes, i see it as a young man comes in to the world with looks, sex appeal, youth and so on! but, he lacks the wisdom with age that i now see that i didn't see at age 18 or there abouts! just as the older guy sees his youth leaving him and wishing for it to return when in reality it can't! so, therein lies the condition for an attraction between youth and age! i think besides all of my probs, one is this age thing! i fantasize of younger years with the freedom of today and the youth i had in my time! this is complexed with the fact that i was a virgin until i was almost 30! when i did come out if you will, i had my first experience with an 18 year old(so he said) and i was 29! the sad part then as it is now is that i wanted a permanent lover! so, i got myself drunk so that he could have me and paid dearly for four days after that with bleeding anally! of course, i know that was because i was a virgin and he was very large! but, he took advantage of the drunkiness and fu--ed me hard as hell! so, i learned from that that no guy is worth abuse! his youth and lack of concern as well as lack of wisdom is the reason why i couldn't even begin to fathom a younger man as a mate! yet, i still look at eye candy and fantasize! i suppose it is the mouse, maze, and cheese syndrome working to destroy me! anyway, i've had 3 lovers, if u will, only one lasted longer than 9 months! each of them was a disaster, i made all of them work! every one of the guys lied, cheated, and stole from me in some way or another! the last one which was 9.25 years, the guy was 6 years younger! i knew he had hiv and i didn't, but, that didn't matter to me! he was kind, sexy, working, and wanted to be with me! the unfortunate fact was that he was like all the rest a cheater, lier, and thief(this time my heart, soul, and mind stolen)!
so, i fell for my stupidity and left him in my life despite me catching him with other guys and him admitting to it! so, when this year came and i gave him my undivided attention and love for 9.25 years and absolutely no cheating on my part in this relationship nor any cheating in the others! i realized after his lack of concern for my well-being and his lack of love, respect, and dignity for me that this time when i caught him in the act that it was over!!!!!!!!!!!!! i put up with enough mental, physical, and sexual abuse! so, even though it was easy for him to drop me, i couldn't let go despite my words of telling him it was over!!!!!!!!!!!!!
everyone around me saw my tears for 10 months and i told strangers about it(how foolish i was)! but, as i do now telling u guys(strangers if u will to me) i don't care anymore! my life is filled with pain, even seeing others worse off than me makes me cry! so, i know that no one is free from pain! but, with this stuff i have to deal with, it is very hard(fibro and other stuff) to go on! i hope to give life another try though because i have one trait that is rare in any man or woman on earth, and that is i won't ever cheat with another man or woman when i'm married to another! my love for someone is truly real and not a figment of imagination that i see in many relationships! if GOD will see me thru another year i might have a chance! although sex is a desire of mine, i could do without it if i found the compatible guy for me!
thanx for listening to me!
i need help! but, i am not sure drugs or professional counseling will be again in my life! so, i need to stave off this desire for my death if i can!
LOSTSOUL
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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I have never even thought of cheating on either of my partners.....
My first partner was taken from me and that very nearly destroyed me.....
My second partner...... Well, he found another partner online and off he went......
I know how you feel...... I truely can relate to your situation......
Marc
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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LOSTSOUL wrote:
> i need help! but, i am not sure drugs or professional counseling will be again in my life!
Why not?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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LOSTSOUL
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Getting started |
Registered: November 2007
Messages: 7
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timmy,
i have had too much stress from the meds and the lies from the docs!
the meds 40 or more that i tried and all of them made me fine at first, then i went into hysteria! i cried at all dose levels for days on and after being off of them! at least now, i don't cry i just am angry at myself and the world! the docs won't screw with my head either like they did! i am unsettled now and only dangerous to myself! but, before i was dangerous to everyone, both on the road, and in person! those drugs ,also, made me have desires to kill others as well as myself, which has never been one of my characteristics! since being on them i've desired to kill myself, even though i'm not on them now! in other words,
i tried them in 2004 for pain from fibro and i feel they messed up my chemistry! i never cared about death before, until this happened with the drugs! although, this year's traumas including my ex have made me different, also!
LOSTSOUL
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unsui
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Likes it here |
Registered: September 2007
Messages: 338
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No Message Body
[Updated on: Fri, 24 October 2008 19:46] |
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Then it does make sense to rely on yourself.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I'm 73 next Tuesday and neither beautiful nor healthy and I would like to suggest some things you could think about.
I suggest you try to find people to talk to and it shouldn't mainly be talk about your troubles. If you can find other people interesting and want to find out more about them that will establish some kind of friendship.
You must be able to talk freely and perhaps you you still have inhibitions that ought to be overcome (such as being unable to write fuck in your message). I'm not suggesting that you should be trying to shock people but you must know that most of us, here, aren't easily shocked even though I at least am very sqeamish about some things.
[Perhaps I should confess that when I was young I went to bed with other people largely because conversations in bed were much less inhibited and with fewer hang-ups. I thought that it was the best way to get to know what made my friends tick - I really wanted to get to know them better. I liked the sex too.]
If you are interested in just a few other people and can keep some conversations going I think there is a good chance that you will feel your life is not so futile.
But, of course, you have to restrain yourself; nobody wants to be rushed into a relationship. If you are thinking "Can I get my rocks off with him?" I would say you would be lucky to make a friend of him. But of course that is not to say I would ever spurn a good offer.
Anthony
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Ive tried eight times
and finally despite abuse ive suffered I have found someone who has saved my heart and soul, tho i am young i can completely understand what you are going through... but my friend please remember there is always hope.
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cossie
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On fire! |
Location: Exiled in North East Engl...
Registered: July 2003
Messages: 1699
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Just to set the scene first, I grew up in a nominally Christian but prtetty much non-churchgoing family, though I was baptised into the Anglican (Episcopalian) Church. In my teens I became involved with a nearby parish church, was confirmed and acted as an altar-server (acolyte) for several years. Then, over a longish period, I moved away from the Church because I couldn't reconcile the 'official' message with what I had learned about the history and development of the Christianity. Now, I'm definitely an unbeliever, though I still enjoy listening to the traditional Anglican hymns and liturgy and hugely admire men like Desmond Tutu, the former Archbishop of Capetown, whose concept of inclusive Christianity embracing all good people, regardless of such things as sexual orientation, is surely a beacon which all Churches ought to follow.
But I no longer believe in God, or indeed in any god. I believe that death comes as the end; there is no Heaven or Hell. When our hearts cease to beat, we cease to exist forever. I say all this to emphasise that I am not in any way concerned with the spiritual aspects of suicide; sooner or later I will die, and choosing to make it sooner will not make the slightest difference to the welfare of my immortal soul, since I don't believe that I HAVE an immortal soul.
OK, that's where I stand. And I've suffered from bouts of severe depression for years, sometimes for an identifiable reason and sometimes for no apparent reason. And I've though of suicide several times; I've even decided how I would set about it, and worked out a method which would be quick, but would allow for a change of mind up to the last moment.
But I am - or try to be - a logical thinker. It seems to me that there are two kinds of people in the world. There are those who, having achieved something, instinctively seek to make it more difficult for those who follow them to do the same; they try to raise the bar over which others must jump. And there are those who do precisely the opposite, and positively encourage others to follow in their footsteps. I've always tried to be a member of the second group. So I ask myself what I would achieve by suicide, and I can find only one answer - I would no longer exist, and thus would no longer feel the despair and depression. So what do I achieve by turning away from suicide? Well, to be honest, I'm not entirely sure - but I can certainly use my own experiences to help others, and what better way is there to be remembered when I'm gone?
So let me try to do just that. I've been dangerously close to suicide several times in my life - the last being half-a-dozen years ago - but on EVERY occasion I have eventually realised that life is very much worth living. However depressed you feel today, there IS light at the end of the tunnel - even if the end is obscured by a curve. Keep going; you'll get there!
The life ahead may be different from the life you've lived in the past, but it's no less worth living - and what you've been through will make you stronger and will give you a unique opportunity to help others.
So hang around for a while, and listen to the advice other posters have given you. Talk to other people - if not face-to-face, then on the net - and try to talk about topics other than the way you feel right now. There are loads of people here, on this forum, who really do care about you, even if we've never met you. I don't pretend it's easy - in fact it's bloody difficult - but the result is well worth the effort.
As regards the medical profession, don't give up entirely. As in any field, there are good doctors and there are lousy doctors, but you can ask around to find a good one. I'm inclined to agree with you about therapists; they can't achieve much unless you really believe in them, and not all that many are worth believing in. But don't rule out a change of doctor; there is a huge variety of anti-depressant drugs - even a few mild amphetamines such as Modafinil - and side-effects can be eliminated if your doctor adopts a properly professional approach.
I hope that this post has at least given you something to think about; stick around, and let us know how you get on.
For a' that an' a' that,
It's comin' yet for a' that,
That man tae man, the worrld o'er
Shall brithers be, for a' that.
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