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Hey board members, young and old.
Something's on my mind right now. It's bothering me actually. Not a whole lot, but I'm thinking about it right now.
Why do people say 'I love you'?
It's three words. That's really all it is. I know it's supposed to mean 'so much' to whomever you're talking about but like, it's used ALL the time..
And if it's used too much, then it loses it's meaning as it will diminish altogether.
I know that I've said 'I love you' in the past, and perhaps I shouldn't have, either cause I didn't actually want to at the time, or because I didn't mean it..
There are people in my life who mean a lot to me, like my family and my friends, and all you guys here at the board. That's true.
I just don't like the words 'I love you.'
They bug me for some reason. I'm not 'anti-love' or anything, but like, it does get annoying, quite quickly for me. I'm sorry, but I just wanted to say that.
You all do mean a great deal to me, but I'm not sure if I love you..
'Love'
'What is love?' (<<-- Ritsuka quote (Loveless))
*Hugs to all.*
~Josh~
21.
Love who you want to.
~Josh~
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Aussie
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Really getting into it |
Registered: August 2006
Messages: 475
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Hi Josh
Long time no talk.
Congratulations you have drawn me in on this with just a few of my own thoughts.
I think you are right when you say "I love you is" used too much.
There are various levels of love and the "I love you" needs to be taken in the context in which it is given.
I think the most poweful love is when you are head over heels in love and it is a kind of euphoria. There is no mistaking it when you feel it.
Then there is the love you have between family,parents, grandparents, siblings,(yes there can be) your pets etc.
The main problems arise when it is used loosely, eg to people on the net whom you have never met and only think you know them. In this situation it is far better to say "I like you".
It's nice of you to say the people here mean a great deal to you so I think it would be perfectly ok for you to say I like you heaps.
Aussie
PS I like you and your poems (anything in the pipeline?)
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cossie
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On fire! |
Location: Exiled in North East Engl...
Registered: July 2003
Messages: 1699
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Interesting question, Josh.
I think I pretty much agree with all that Aussie had to say. It certainly comes in different forms. Anyone lucky enough to have perceptive and understanding parents and/or siblings probably loves them dearly but (at least in the majority of cases) that love has no sexual component.
When it comes to peers, and sex enters into the equation, I agree that the word is overused, and often treated as a synonym for lust. Nevertheless, I have to admit that I was always an incurable romantic and, to me, every sexual experience was an act of love, in which the primary (only?) purpose was to please my partner. I always got more pleasure from that than from having an orgasm myself, but in those circumstances I was probably guilty of saying 'I love you' without implying any long-term commitment.
Looking back with a lifetime of experience, I think that the ultimate measure of love is the degree of desolation felt when the subject of affection is taken from you, but I'd be interested to hear other posters' views.
For a' that an' a' that,
It's comin' yet for a' that,
That man tae man, the worrld o'er
Shall brithers be, for a' that.
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Talk about an overused word. It's even possible to love Chocolate ice cream. And Cossie and Aussie are on the money when saying that there are different degrees of love. You don't love your cat Fluffy, your Mom and your boyfriend in the same way. (At least I hope not... ewwwww! lol) I looked up synonyms for love and found over 70 of them. Perhaps we are just a bit lazy and tend to use the word love when one of the other 70 would probably be more applicable to a given situation. And that is likely why the word is so overused... we don't want to be bothered with looking up a word that better describes our affection. We just use the rubber stamp "I love you" and get it over and done with.
Oh, and Josh... I love you.
Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
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LOVE doesnt mean anything unless you mean it...
yama nashi, ochi nashi, imi nashi
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I think it all depends.
If you want to be with someone so much that being apart hurts, so much that you believe you know what they are thinking, so much that you wait anxiously to see them again, so much that you could not bear anyone else to be with them, you probably love them. Saying "I love you" then is quite reasonable.
Most other circumstances are not. And even if it is a white lie, this one hurts.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Dear Josh,
How I agree with you! For me it is a really hard thing to say. I've even had to screw myself up to sign myself 'Love, Anthony'.
I don't remember any of my homosexual lovers I've said it to and I can remember thinking seriously about what it would be like to live the rest of my life with one or three of them. I don't think I'm a cold fish. It's just that to say it in hope that it would become true would make it harder for me.
I think I'm unusual in this and I'm also unusual in saying that I put "Truth" first among the virtues and honesty very high among personal qualities. Sometimes people say they are 'sincere' and maybe it's the same. Maybe not.
What do you think?
Love,
Anthony
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Dear Timmy,
You wrote: If you want to be with someone so much that being apart hurts, so much that you believe you know what they are thinking, so much that you wait anxiously to see them again, so much that you could not bear anyone else to be with them, you probably love them. Saying "I love you" then is quite reasonable.
I've been like that and still not said it because it was unrequited. I was extremely reluctant to say something like that when I wasn't sure whether it would be reciprocated. The two or three times I've felt like that about another man it wasn't reciprocated. I didn't say it.
Love,
Anthony
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Pretty much everybody is right. I love Cossie like a big brother and he knows that, so when I say I love you it comes from the heart, not as a lover but as a brother. I lived with a man for over 30 years and when he was taken from me a part of me was ripped out and can never be replaced. When I think of him I think of all the things we shared, the intense feeling of being a part of each others life. Even after 30 years I would look at him and my heart would jump and I would catch my breath, because always this is who I loved more than life. With my friends I find comfort and support and for that I love them dearly but with Mark I found my other half and he made me complete. You cant really discribe that kind of love, you can only feel it. Its something you have to experiance.
If you stand for Freedom, but you wont stand for war, then you dont stand for anything worth fighting for.
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Dear everyone.
Thanks for your replies. I'm actually surprised that there are this many. But thank you.
Here's another question for you all. It's up to you if you wish to answer it.
Why is it that we form bonds with people? Why is it that we can't be without the person and always seek assurance of their love?
I apologize if I am repeating myself. I'm not saying 'What's the point of it?'
I'm saying why do we do it? And why is there an eventual longing to be with someone that occurs in everyone?
It occurs in me, and I'm wondering why that is. I was talking to my brother Teddy and said that I don't think I'll ever be in a relationship with anyone. He said that was a silly thing to say, and asked me why. I said I don't know.
If you choose not to be in a relationship though, then there's no way you can be hurt. I'm not afraid of being hurt, as it's happened before, but why do we do that?
I suppose in a way, I'm answering my own question.
Anyway, I apologize of I'm repeating myself.
~Josh~
--
Perhaps it;s my belief that you should only love one person.
It could be that, or it could also be that when someone says 'I love you' to me, I take it as the person wants to be a relationship with me, which, in my mind may immediately, if not soon after, lead to intercourse, which annoys and frightens me.
I said annoys first, because I'm asking myself 'Why bother?'
I know that seems selfish, and I apoligize.
Having sexual intercourse with someone, is a way to show someone that you love them.
But aren't there other ways of showing someone that you love them, without physical intimacy..
I guess that's all for now.
Sorry for the long post.
~Josh~
21.
Love who you want to.
~Josh~
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unsui
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Likes it here |
Registered: September 2007
Messages: 338
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No Message Body
[Updated on: Fri, 24 October 2008 19:42] |
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Why do we fall in love? Why do we desire the company of another? I wish there was an easy answer, but there isnt. There is something in human nature that desires the comfort and protection that comes from a bond with another or more than just one. Men have always had the pack mentality. However there are the times when two souls connect and they find comfort and peace in each others company. This usually grows into love or the love of a best friend. Whenever I was around or with Mark, I felt safe and secure. I felt like there was nothing that I had to face alone. I have a best friend (since we were both 8 years old) and to this day were still best friends. Even tho Mark is gone I still know that my friend is only a phone call away.
A man who says he doesnt need the companionship of another is either emotionaly damaged or hes lieing. I wish I could explain all this better for you, but the best I can do is tell you that to be at peace and be content we seek to bond with another.
If you stand for Freedom, but you wont stand for war, then you dont stand for anything worth fighting for.
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Thank you for replying, Micheal and Roger.
I've read both of your posts.
Being in a relatioship with someone is a good thing. Of course, it does not mean that you always, or ever, have to be intimate with that person. It's possible to love someone as a friend.
I apologize if I'm contradicting mysself. I just have a lot of questions, as I'm still a young person. I'll be turning 20 years old next year. I would like to be in a relationship with someone, without intimacy. Being intimate with someone is a form of showing that you love them. I know that. But I am afraid of imtimacy, and thus, I would like to be in a relatiomship with someone who did not want to be intimate, like me.
I hope I'm making sense.
I suppose the reason is that I have issues with personal space, and I don't like it when people get too close to me.
Though I suppose one day I will meet someone who I will learn to love, and be in love with. I just don't want intimacy to be part of the relationship. Does that sound strange?
I'm always asking myself what my sexuality is. Perhaps when I go on a date with someone, I can stop asking myself.
I tell myself that I'm 'In love' with a person, too easily, as I tend to easily become emotionally attached to a person. I'm grateful that I've found this board, and that I am able to post my -extrememly random- thoughts here without anyone to judge me. That makes me happy, and I thank each of you for that.
I'm also grateful that I have friends here. It does make me happy to know that. You all are wonderful people, and I'm glad that I can meet and talk to you like this. I apologize of I repeat myself in posts. I do tend to do that sometimes.
I would like to be in a romantic relationship with someone. And hopefully, someday, I'll be in one. Until then, I'm grateful that I can meet all of you. You all are wonderful people, and I'm glad to meet you all.
I don't consider myself intelligent. I told Aqua-chan that this morning. I said I consider mylself to be complicated. So I apologize for my -randcom- questions.
Oh yes, I do tend to apologize a lot to people. It's just a thing that I do. I'm sorry for that.
Thanks for listening and replying to my posts. I'm grateful for that.
Love 
~Josh~
21.
Love who you want to.
~Josh~
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I said it was reasonable. I did not say it was necessarily appropriate.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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unsui
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Likes it here |
Registered: September 2007
Messages: 338
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No Message Body
[Updated on: Fri, 24 October 2008 19:42] |
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Dear Josh,
I agree with you; I too think that I can only love one person at a time in the way that I would have to if I am to be able to say "I love you" honestly.
I agree that my character calls for such a relationship to be exclusive (if I'm right you think you are like that too). It doesn't require me to have sex although, in my case I've always actually wanted more sex than I've got.
I've always felt that sex was just a way of continuing the conversation between two lovers. It's other things too; it can be self gratification and lust and laughter and flippant - but I couldn't take it too lightly without the risk that when I wanted it to be serious the ability to be exclusive and devoted might be gone.
And if you don't feel ready to dive into a physical relationship I would be the first to say "Trust your instincts and don't". You'll know when it is right for you.
Some people start having sex before they are even teenagers. Others like me don't discover sex till they are nineteen or even older. You are too and you are a great deal more aware of such things than I was at nineteen. On the other hand I immediately recognised what I wanted when it was offered. Someone said come to bed and I came! Not a second's hesitation. (and I'm not talking premature ejaculation here!)
Most of us don't know what our sexuality is until we have found a life partner or have have some experience with several partners. I don't think it is easy to know how one will feel in bed with someone new and there is much more doubt with the first one.
Some of us in this place of safety are middle aged or older and are still discovering where we lie on the sexual and other spectrums.
I don't think there is much danger that you will do what some of us have done and got so desperate to do something that we have allowed our first experiences to be with an unsuitable partner who was cruel or inconsiderate or cynical about sex and relationships to a young idealist.
Your attitude seems to be to be exactly right.
More strength to your elbow - as they say.
Love
Anthony
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Anthony, Josh, When you find that someone that connects with your soul what you feel goes beyond anything physical. If we were watching a movie and Mark was holding me it was more fulfilling then any sex we could have. When you know in your heart that your never alone and you never have to be afraid, then you know the world is right. Sex is mearly the ultimate expression of love. its a give and take on the highest order both physical and emotional, it encompasses everything. Its the time when you both become lost in each other and the world ceases to exist. When a touch or a kiss means everything then you know you have found the right one. Make friendship your first priority all the rest will follow in good time.
If you stand for Freedom, but you wont stand for war, then you dont stand for anything worth fighting for.
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Dear Roger,
Yes, I think the combination of sex and love can be as overwhelming as you describe.
Please don't be upset with me if I cavil a bit. I don't know about the 'soul' because I don't think I've got one. And I recognise the emotions you describe - or think I do.
I think that maybe when people talk about the soul it needs to be interpreted as something deeply emotional, but for the life of me I can't see what.
Love,
Anthony
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Anthony, there is a connection thats made that is neather physical nor mental, its something else and for lack of a better term I used the word soul.
Plato told a story of the beginning of mankind. In the beginning man was one being but the gods in order to weaken man divided him. So in the world there beings who are only half complete and if they ever meet they become one and whole again.A cute story and was good for explaining what happens when we find our true mate.
If you stand for Freedom, but you wont stand for war, then you dont stand for anything worth fighting for.
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Dear Roger,
Have you ever come across a very strange book by Frederick Rolfe (who called himself Baron Corvo and was written about in a book called 'The quest for Corvo' by A J A Symons (I think). I have a paperback copy. Anyway the guy wrote a book called 'The Desire and Pursuit of the Whole', based on the platonic story you mentioned.
It's thinly disguised and the boy who the narrator rescued from an Italian earthquake and took away on his boat is called a girl. It shows the extraordinary lengths people had to go to in the early part of the last century when homosexuality was illegal to protect themselves from the law. Rather sad, really.
I took the book down recently. I bought it and read it while I was at university and enjoyed it then. Nowadays it seems rather dated and excessively mealy-mouthed - at least it does to me.
But the sentiment behind it is still true. We are looking for our other halves. We do want to find someone with whom we can be completely open and honest, who will forgive us for our faults and put up with us and so on.
Love,
Anthony
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Re: The whole 'I love you' thing.. 
