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With all the blood spilling crap occurring in this godforsaken rancid hellhole of a world. I had forgotten how much I needed someone. Not a big deal really on the scale of things, with all the bad stuff (understatement, granted) surrounding us, one person's loneliness is not that important. But I do need someone, and I am ashamed to admit that, for as long as I remember solitude has been such a indestructible armour for me
So I go searching every waking hour for that person, and once again that mission embodies everything important to me. Nothing else seems to matter, and that quite frankly pisses me off. The sleepless nights, the itchy eyes, the wandering through everyday life without due care and attention, all reminiscent of my younger years. Everything seems to have come full circle. Why is it that the past comes back to haunt you? Maybe I was foolish enough to actually think that it was a phase, that it would pass, that I was not gay.
Arrgh! As I type out these words I feel the most asphyxiating guilt, why is my problem so bloody important...all the people being hurt, and maimed, being raped and murdered, all those people being infected by the foulness of this world, being mutilated by the cruel hands of humanity. Why are my 'cry-baby' problems so freaking huge to me??? Can someone answer that?, because I sure as hell can't.
There was a time that I saw the good in people, such a time I wish I could relive. I was so innocent and naive, so full of wander about the world and its people, but that all went to shit. I saw this rotten mishmash of civilisation in its true colours, I saw the blood and I heard the screaming, and that engulfed me. I didn't care about love and kindness anymore, and I was okay with that. I didn't want to feel excitement, or experience happiness I wanted to just live and die as painfully as possible.
I want to be loved, and to be held close. But there is something malevolent inside me, something that screams at me from within, it grinds and carves my insides, it makes me want to obliterate humanity, every last snivelling living thing. I want to tear out every single beating heart and slam them into the ground. I want to litter the ground with corpses. Because each and everyone of them is capable of such evil, such wickedness, that none of them deserve to breathe.
Love isn't that important to me anymore, part of me thinks that it is more of a human failing than anything else, you know some kind of chemical malfunction.
Every night I pray to god, to allah, to krishna, to any sod who will listen. I beg and plead to be allowed to die. I beg for the pain, Nothing. Makes me think about our alleged benevolent creator, it makes me think of how much a sick fuck, voyeur and a sadist he is. A body who gets off on the suffering of, I mean supposedly it is his world, and he's raping it raw.
No one it seems can tell me why I feel like this.
People tell me I should be glad to be alive, but all I feel is an intoxicating hate. Someone better end me soon, or I fear the whole world will pay in blood.
"In the bedroom, a woman wants a man who knows how to ride her when she bucks." - Queen Latifah.
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Dear ~~~~,
Well, my face wasn't made by God either. And I don't have a soul nor do I know what spirituality is. But I'm happy with that and happy to be gay and I've never been gay-bashed and my family accepts me.
You, on the other hand seem to be in trouble and to be troubled. It sounds like a cry for help.
But help with what? Help how? Please tell us what the trouble is, how it happened, where it hurts worst, how long it's been going on and what you have tried to do to stop it.
Do you have a name to reveal to us or would you take a pen name? Please don't choose a name which derives from your present trouble; I'd like to think the pain could be alleviated without leaving you with the name of the pain.
Love,
Anthony
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cossie
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On fire! |
Location: Exiled in North East Engl...
Registered: July 2003
Messages: 1699
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... and I try to use them in that way - but they're not important.
You are pretty obviously in a state of deep despair, and I agree with Anthony that it's difficult to make any specific suggestions without knowing more about you. But I do have some initial thoughts.
Firstly, it would be useful to know where you are in the world. Something about the way you write suggests you may be British, but that's an impression rather than a conviction. Wherever you are, you should look for some help in the short term. I don't mean that you should buy in to the whole therapy thing, but you need to talk - and I mean talk, as opposed to write - to someone, because - believe me - you are not unique in feeling the way you do. To be persuaded to accept that is probably the most beneficial therapy you could possibly have at this stage.
Secondly, your redemption is already built in to your mental armoury; you recognise that however much you despise your fellow-men you are not justified in feeling that way. You know that there are some good guys out there.
Thirdly, I doubt that many people who come here would dispute your view of social decline, but 'twas ever thus. Every generation feels that the world is heading for disaster, but resigning oneself to the inevitability that this is so is counter-productive. As the Anglo-Irish Statesman Edmund Burke is reputed to have said: 'All that is necessary for evil to triumph is that good men shall do nothing.' (What the record shows that he actually said was 'When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall, one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle') But it comes to the same thing; you CAN make a difference, to your own life and to the lives of others.
Somewhere, out there, someone is looking for someone pretty much like you - but if you carry on steamrollering through life in the way your post suggests, there's every chance that you'll drive him away.
Come back, post some more. We really will try to help.
For a' that an' a' that,
It's comin' yet for a' that,
That man tae man, the worrld o'er
Shall brithers be, for a' that.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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With so many issues that beset you, solving them little by little, one at a a time, is sensible. How could anyone hope to change everything at once?
Of the dark despair you have descried, what is the most difficult for you, and how, in an ideal world, could that be changed and solved?
I do know it is not a matter of throwing a switch, yet a decision to solve it is a start. That decision turns on the things that will help to solve it if you allow them space to work.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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In keeping with the recognised status quo, I suppose I had better introduce myself. I am David, eighteen years of age and yes I live in England, central England to be slightly exact, and like a lot of people I have a few...hmm...problems I suppose.
Cossie, you said that there are good people out there - I have yet to see that. The way I see it, no one is 'good' because the world isn't a 'good' place. Someone once told me, 'blood makes the flowers grow' - read into that as you will.
I see the world as a screwed up place, that is just waiting to die, and I just hope I die with it...painfully as possible.
"In the bedroom, a woman wants a man who knows how to ride her when she bucks." - Queen Latifah.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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No-one except a Brit says "sod it!" So I guessed Brit as well.
What, of all of the problems you have identified yourself as having, is the most important to you?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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trekkerpacker
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Getting started |
Registered: November 2007
Messages: 14
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No Message Body
[Updated on: Mon, 28 April 2008 12:26] |
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Trekkerpacker, I assure you if this was "...a warning a la Columbine High School in Colorado..." I would of being rather more explicit in detail, I like to keep things frank and to the point, however if Timmy feels that my message warrants the attention of the authorities, then that is up to him.
I was simply expressing how I felt.
I have had help from more mental health professionals than I care for thank you very much, and all have failed miserably.
"In the bedroom, a woman wants a man who knows how to ride her when she bucks." - Queen Latifah.
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Dear whoeveryouare,
I didn't think you were a danger, except maybe to yourself, but I did want to know what you thought about what was troubling you.
I really want to help you if only I can. Please talk to me if you have time.
I don't think I'm a danger to anyone any more. Actually I don't think I ever was a danger to anyone. I am 73 and live in Bristol with my wife and my whole family lives within three miles. Can I help?
Love,
Anthony
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I just feel that my misanthropy will leave me unhappy forever.
"In the bedroom, a woman wants a man who knows how to ride her when she bucks." - Queen Latifah.
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Edward
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Getting started |
Location: USA
Registered: January 2008
Messages: 2
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Hello David. Not all the people in the world are bad. We all have within us the ability to be bad but also the ability to be good. I have been lurking here for a long time, but your post has made me post again. Because your misery strikes deep inside me. I wish I could show you the beauty in the world, the things you are missing. There are those who see the world thru open eyes and see the beauty in it and the kindness and beauty in the people they meet. There are those who suffer loss and still refuse to give in and they keep trying to make the worlkd a better place. The people who are still children at heart and see even the slightest beauty in anything.
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Thank you, Edward.
"In the bedroom, a woman wants a man who knows how to ride her when she bucks." - Queen Latifah.
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Dear who-ever-you-are,
Misanthropy is not a barrier to happiness. There are lots of ways of despairing of ones fellow men which still allow for occasional delight - or even bliss.
What makes you think you are uniquely cursed?
Love,
Anthony
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"What makes you think you are uniquely cursed?"
I do not.
"In the bedroom, a woman wants a man who knows how to ride her when she bucks." - Queen Latifah.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Heavens no. You are using this place to express a sentiment, not to be a danger to someone else.
Sometimes professional help is not enough, especially when it becomes "Our hour is almost up. Same time next week?"
We may not be competent to help, but dare to try us out. You won't get told what we think you want to hear when you try, so be prepared to be criticised, too.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Though I may have sounded like some sort of halloween-esque madman, I was just feeling really low. You see I have had manic depression for some years now, since witnessing the death of my seven year old brother when I was ten - and my moods can fluctuate somewhat.
I do hate this world, and (most of) the people within it, but dealing death out to all and sundry, will only get me a shiny set of handcuffs and six-by-six cell, and though going to prison and being surrounded by all that rotten scum sounds rather tempting, I'd rather get somewhere in life.
See, I am not all that bad. ::-)
"In the bedroom, a woman wants a man who knows how to ride her when she bucks." - Queen Latifah.
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cossie
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On fire! |
Location: Exiled in North East Engl...
Registered: July 2003
Messages: 1699
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Hi, David!
First (though with tongue firmly in cheek!) it occurs to me, as a North Briton, that living in the Midlands might be enough to try anyone's sanity ....
No, but seriously, though ... I can't accept your basic philosophy. To me, the world is neither a good place nor a bad place it's just a place, which happens to be the place in which we, and all other life-forms of which we are aware, are obliged to co-exist.
Humanity as a species is intrinsically the same as any other; our genetic make-up is programmed to ensure the survival of the fittest, though the process inevitably operates at an overall, rather than an individual level.
The significant difference is that our intellectual development allows us to cheat the system. Power vastly increases the prospects of genetic survival, and as the British historian Lord Acton said well over a century ago: 'Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely'. So, in the nature of things, there will always be bad guys out there, seeking power through wealth, political or religious leadership or even simple criminal activity. But there will always be good guys, too, striving to resist the bad guys. It is just as hard to find anything bad to say about Nelson Mandela, or Desmond Tutu, or for that matter John Sentamu, the present Archbishop of York, as it is to find anything good to say about Joesf Stalin, or Saddam Hussein, or Robert Mugabe.
It isn't the world that's bad, it's some - but by no means all - of the people in it, and you owe it to your fellow-men to look at them closely as individuals before dismissing them as evil.
Blood makes the flowers grow? That seems unjustifiably emotive. Of course, it's literally true, because the decomposition of blood - and for that matter just about all animal tissue - releases nutrients which can be absorbed by plants. I suspect, though, that like several similarly emotive soundbites, it has its origins in the association between poppies and the horrors of the First World War - and in that context it ISN'T true. Poppies germinate when the soil containing their seeds is disturbed, as is annualy evident wherever there are road works at the appropriate season. So it's probably more profound to contemplate that however much mankind screws up, the flowers will still be growing.
You've probably realised that I'm just talking back to you, responding to the comments you made; an internet forum is a poor substitute for face-to-face conversation, but any kind of talking is good!
For a' that an' a' that,
It's comin' yet for a' that,
That man tae man, the worrld o'er
Shall brithers be, for a' that.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I don't think anyone can get over watching another person die, especially one you love (or even are meant to love). Anything one says about such an event is likely to appear banal, trivial, useless. That it helped create manic depression is not exactly surprising.
Others have told me what a fight it is on a daily basis to avoid the ailment taking over their entire lives.
At 18 you stand a chance of beating it into submission, though.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Dear whoeveryouare,
Are you really David? Did Timmy call you that?
That's a beginning: that you want to get somewhere. Where? There are lots of really good places in this world (and quite a few really bad ones) but Birmingham can be an OK place. My wife came from Hall Green and her brother lives in Sutton Coldfield. I did part of my national service at Wythall. I have taken a narrow boat through quite a few of Birmingham's canals - did you know there are more canals in Birmingham than in Venice?
Unlike you, life has been kind to me: i've suffered no traumas. I've never been gaybashed. People have, on the whole, been nice to me and still are. They laugh at me occasionally but you can't have everything.
But at eighteen (how did I know you are eighteen?) the possibilities are endless. What do you want? Only when that is decided can you set about trying to get it.
Love,
Anthony
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I'm seventeen, and I believe reasonably well read and well spoken. If you're really eighteen, you're miles ahead of me in vocabulary and writing skills.
But I have to agree with other guys here, and say you need serious professional help. If you have, as you wrote, already tried that route, then perhaps you really don't want to change and feel better, but continue to wallow around in your own little mud puddle of private misery.
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"...then perhaps you really don't want to change and feel better, but continue to wallow around in your own little mud puddle of private misery."
Possibly.
"In the bedroom, a woman wants a man who knows how to ride her when she bucks." - Queen Latifah.
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A Face Not Made by God wrote:
> [[snip]]
> I have had help from more mental health professionals than I care for thank you very much, and all have failed miserably.
There are several people here who have not found mental health professionals to be particularly helpful - I'm one of them. Well, at least the half-dozen or so that I was involved with in my teens and early 20s ... the person I saw a couple of years ago (in my 50s) was great, but that was more to do with specific help on a specific problem.
Are there any support groups for people with bipolar disorders / manic depression in your area? I found - for admittedly a rather different condition - that swapping experiences with other people who were going through the same thing as I was helped me get ideas for coping with the bad bits, and making best use of the good bits.
And please do share anything you want to here - replies may not always say exactly what you want to hear, but I have yet to come across a more caring bunch of people!
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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No-one can make you do a thing. Even if you were admitted for compulsory treatment under the Mental Health Act (or a successor act), all that treatment could do would be to treat symptoms until you were deemed suitable for release.
To make a change you have to want to change. That's as true of a negative change as for a positive one.
I suspect a good paraphrase of what folks here seem to be saying is "It's time to walk a pace or two towards whatever help is available." They're phrasing it as "get help."
Now, this may come as a shock. I don't care if you get help or not.
Yup. I don't care at all.
The only thing I care about for you is that you make decisions about what you truly want to do, and, if they are lawful, that you do those things with your head held high.
If one of those things is solving the mess you're in, so be it.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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But thank you anyway.
"In the bedroom, a woman wants a man who knows how to ride her when she bucks." - Queen Latifah.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Well, I expect it may shock other people, then.
In time a choice of the right therapist may be useful. Right now the whole thing is in your hands anyway.
So I am guessing you are gay, otherwise you wouldn't be on this forum?
Boyfriend? Someone who cares enough about you that you might think about caring back?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I do not yet have anything constructive to add to some of the excellent advice already given. But I do promise to think about you and the matter you have raised. In the meantime, I would find it helpful if you would explain the name you have given yourself in this forum: A Face Not Made By God. Your explanation might possibly help my thoughts.
J F R
The paradox has often been noted that the United States, founded in secularism, is now the most religiose country in Christendom, while England, with an established church headed by its constitutional monarch, is among the least. (Richard Dawkins, 2006)
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That said.
As much as I appreciate the advice you have given me (and I do) it was not my motive, as I said I was just simply expressing myself. Venting, even.
My post was not directed at anyone particular, and was basically just a statement (elongated in length, granted) of the way I felt.
Times can be tough for everyone, it was just a bad day.
So, I would like to close this post from a personal perspective, before things get heated. (Which may be fun, but I don't think any of us want that.)
Take care, all.
David. 
"In the bedroom, a woman wants a man who knows how to ride her when she bucks." - Queen Latifah.
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Well if you were only venting, why post on a public forum and more or less invite commentary on the situation? Venting is why guys have blogs. Personally, I think you came here looking for a pity party, didn't get what you wanted, or perhaps emotionally needed, got told you're in need of professional help which is not whatt you wanted or thought you needed to hear, and now you're leaving.
I'm with Timmy on this one. I don't care one way or another whether you get help or not. You're the only person who has the power to change yourself.
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I like venting...and have a phobia of blogs. (It's tragic really...honestly!)
But thank you for your opinion, I value it immensely.
What a guy. 
"In the bedroom, a woman wants a man who knows how to ride her when she bucks." - Queen Latifah.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I don't have a problem with folks venting, well as long as it doesn't impinge on anyone else's rights, that is. And I have no issue with folks who just want to express themselves "in company" whereas a blog is flying solo.
We'd love to know some more about you, of course we would. And we'd like to know that "we" make a difference, of course we would. But I'm quite easy with your simply being here and maybe even learning a bit of happiness.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Benji
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: August 2007
Messages: 297
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I think you guys have been had!! Nice job of fishing there AFNMBG!
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No Message Body
"In the bedroom, a woman wants a man who knows how to ride her when she bucks." - Queen Latifah.
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Never been one for fishing.
Lack of patience, you see.
But, with a sigh, I'll say it again. I was simply expressing how I felt. I did not want pity, (as it bores me to tears) I didn't want anything to be honest, but I do appreciate the help that most of the board has offered.
"In the bedroom, a woman wants a man who knows how to ride her when she bucks." - Queen Latifah.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I think "pity" is the last thing anyone gets here. It was never set up for pity  . I suppose we could use irony and pretend to pity you though, just to see how resilient you are.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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That may be interesting.  )
"In the bedroom, a woman wants a man who knows how to ride her when she bucks." - Queen Latifah.
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I can't think how to headline this... 
Re: Hmm... 
More random thoughts ... 
