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I just got home from work and a thought came to my mind, I don’t know where I am going or what lies over the hill. To me, at the moment, life seems very unfair and meaningless. Too many things going on, I’m finding it hard to focus in one path. See, its all about decisions, and I must admit, I have made some careless decisions in the past; no matter how hard I wish, I can’t turn back time and do it all over again. I come home - family is sleeping - and I can’t help but to feel a deep sense of sadness.
Just to give a little background. About a year ago, I decided to quit school and now I regret it deeply. More than ever I wish to back and have that opportunity once again. I know I can go again, but money is a big issue. I already have loans which I’m starting to pay back, even if it’s not a lot, still, I do need the money to survive. I could get financial aid (loans) but due to my circumstances it will be too much because tuition for out of state students its just too high. I have to live one year in a US state in order to get cheaper tuition along with state funded monetary help. Its not so easy after all.
I own a car, which is about the only thing I can call my own. Lately however, it has been given me lots of trouble, the damn thing its driving me crazy. The car is old, has too many miles, its not worth the effort I tell myself. I need it though, it’s the best way to get to work and get places, therefore, I have to fix it every time something goes wrong. Getting another car would be nice but I can’t at the moment because I don’t have enough money. Living paycheck to paycheck can be tough; it’s a little hard to plan ahead because I just don’t know if I’ll have enough money later on. Besides, I can’t afford a car payment when I have too many bills to pay.
I live with my family but they are not much help financially. In fact, they are not much help emotionally when all I hear is criticism about what I do. They work as much as I do in order to pay their bills. I love them, don’t get my wrong. They are there when I need them.
They say money doesn’t give you happiness, but it sure helps to a certain extend. I have friends, none that are close to me. I was gone for two years and things change. They all have their own lives to worry about as well as I have my own. I go out to the clubs, I see all kinds of people, yet that life doesn’t give me much satisfaction. I feel very lonely, wondering how, why, and when did I put myself on this situation. I was the boy that had hopes, the one everybody thought was going to make it. Somehow I lost track of things and things just slipped away. I was not strong enough and now its twice as hard to get out of this hole.
While I have no one to blame, but myself, I fell in love and gave everything. At my young age, I sacrificed a lot of things, and gave myself completely to someone I knew I loved. Somehow, I feel I didn’t get much in return. I forgot about me, I let things go away. When I was hurt I ran away to find nothing but more disappointments.
Sometimes I wonder…what did I do wrong? How can I smile again? How can I have hopes again?
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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I was gone for two years and things change
Things can, and will change for you, too.
Don't regret, look forward. Stay working for as long as you need to, plan and budget so you can get your finances under control. It is complicated by having a car that breaks down, but maybe set aside a bit of money each paycheck into a "car repair" fund.
You are living with your family, so that has to help financially. Look at your expenses and try to tighten your budget. Or- keep on living as you and enjoy it! I don't save any money myself, but I'm happy with my simple life- I don't need or want more money than I have.
Relationships? Yeah, they are tough, too. I sometimes worry that my boyfriend is spending too much time with me to think about his own life.
Get a hobby, something cheap, constructive and that is able to help you meet new people and stay active. If you have something you can get into the rest of life will go by quicker. If you need to wait a year to get back into school with cheaper tuition a good hobby will help pass the time for now.
You have your whole life, still. I'm 23, I've been at iomfats on and off since I was 17. It feels I haven't done a whole lot in that time. It feels like my life has been wasted. Yet it's not a waste, because there's still a lot I can do. And what I've done and been through has put me in the mindset of achievement I'm in now.
Stay strong, life hasn't got you beat, it's just a little rough. You can and will do it. But taking the right approach and mindset into it will make your success at the end of it even better.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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Dear M,
It does sound as if you are a bit overwhelmed. It sounds as if maybe further education would be cheaper after a year and that maybe you could use the year to get the money right.
Money isn't everything but it certainly increases the range of things you can do and if you can get better qualified and as a result earn more for the rest of your life I would say that would be worth a lot of effort.
So, the question is whether you can manage somehow to meet your essential needs cheaply enough to save and clear your debts so that it may become possible to educate yourself some more.
How does that sound to you?
Love,
Anthony
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Such is life when you throw away your identity for the sake of a lover. Damn....
You need to get back in school and finish it.... You need to focus yourself and use what you have learned and experienced during your sojourn into the real world of gay life and get your... YES YOUR!!! life in order.
Finish school, party less... Hell when i'm in school I party not at all... mostly... Study hard and get the best grades you can. If you have a year to wait in order to get into school with a better financial aid package then spend your free time in a library.... read, go through books that will be relevant to your courses and you will have a head start when you do get back into achool.
Well, they are right... Money doesnt give you happiness, but it sure can make you comfy while youre miserable... School will broaden your horizons, will also increase your circle of friends and build your self confidence.
Dont stress too much about the car breaking down..... Hell i have an old car.... i love older cars.... they have character.... and dont give me a 400 dollar a month payment.... if it breaks, fix it... Think of it as doing a full restoration to new factory specifications.... it wont cost any less but then you can tell your friends you are getting a new car one piece at a time....
Finally... about sacrafice.... about you...
If you are in a relationship, sacrifice is expected from both sides.... but never... NEVER to the point that you strip away your own identity, your hopes and dreams, the things that make you who you are.... You have to think of yourself first if you are going to measure up to the person your partner falls in love with... If you dont, and let all of your aspirations fall to the wayside then you are just a toy for your partners pleasure.... and thats not good for you or him either....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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