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Good morning everyone.
I hope you all are well today. Right now, I'm listening to a beautiful song. It's called Binkan na Fuukei by Cuei. It's a truly peaceful song. And I'm in love with it. I currently have it on repeat in WinAmp.
Sorry that I haven't chatted with you all in a while. I apologize for that. It's not that I have an obligation to, but I owe it to you all to stay in touch with you. I'm sorry for that.
I'm feeling mixed feelings right now.
One of them is happiness, from the calmness that the song I'm listening to brings me. It brings a smile to my face, and makes me want to fall asleep when I hear it.
The other is a bit of guilt I guess you could say. I do have a tendancy to block people from my MSN list. Well, it's not really a tendancy, I just do it because either I'm bored, or I don't feel like talking to people. I apologize for that. Sometimes I just think that having friends is like, pointless, even though friends are really nice to have. Some other times, I think that having friends is annoying, like I wanna close the door to my room and sleep instead of hearing them all the time. Does anyone else feel like that? I'm probably not the only one who feels like that. Either way, that's part of what I'm feeling.
Does anyone ever get to a point in their lives, where they wish they could stop time? Not really stop time, but sort of stay in the moment forever? Are those moments, the special ones, are they what is truly important to us? Is the reason why we want them to continue, because we are afraid to lose them? What is it about certain times, that makes us feel 'alive'? Like we're on top of the world.
A good thing about this post, and I'm glad to tell you all about it, is that I've decided to stop my porn obsession. And I'm so glad for that. I know it's gonna take a lot of work, as does any addiction that one has. I've seen people on the Dr. Phil show get help for their addictions, and personally, I don't think I need to get in front of millions of people to get a wake up call. I mean, everyone has done things in their life that they wish they could take back, and everyone has had embarrassing moments in their lives. So why bother going on national television to relive those moments.
I apologize if my post is a bit long, I just have a lot to say I guess. It's been ages since I've posted anything on there. Remember how I mentioned (I think) at one point, that I was going to a meeting every Tuesday night because I was gay? Well now that I think about it, I'm thinking, what's the point? It's not a bad thing or anything, but why did I actually go? What was it that I wanted? To be close to someone? Perhaps, find love somehow? I wonder. I don't think you need to go to a meeting to meet people to feel special. Everyone is special, and everyone has meaning in their lives. I think that's what makes me feel 'alive.' Perhaps it is.
I've gotten into another anime. It's called 'Sola.' It's completely awesome. I'll give you a link to the first part of the first episode for you all to watch.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=lHWcc6zqI1Y
It's better then my last anime obsession, Shakugan no Shana.
Anyway, I hope that you all have a good day today.
*hugs*
~Josh~
21.
Love who you want to.
~Josh~
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Dear Josh,
I think with luck most people occasionally get in situations which they wish would last for ever. They come on you without warning and you have to be ready to grab them as they pass.
I discovered porn on the internet about eight years ago (or it may have been nine) and I spent ages downloading pictures of pretty guys with erections until I began to find they no longer did things for me (well, perhaps they didn't do as much!) And so I looked for more and found Nifty and then others and IOMFATS is the best of them and the stories are more erotic and satisfying than the pictures ever were. I used to work for BBC radio and we always said our pictures were better than those on television!
I don't go to gay meetings. Sylvia would be upset with me if I did (because as she says I wouldn't go if I didn't want to pick someone up) and we have been faithful to each other for 45 years now. It would be foolish to give that up for a whim (and wrong too).
But I am acquainted with two or three hundred people and don't know a single gay man to talk to in this city of over half a million people. If I were single I would have to go to gay groups. How could it not be worthwhile? At least you get to talk to people who don't find your inner feelings strange or disgusting.
Of course you can be lucky and just meet someone special on the street or in a library or lecture theatre. No harm in increasing your chances. If you want to that is.
After all when you Do get kissed you want it to be nice and you don't want to find it gross and you don't want to have to get drunk or high to overcome your inhibitions (which you might if the guy wasn't perfect). Or do you?
If everyone is special (which in a sense is true) you are downgrading the meaning of the word - at any rate the meaning it has when you talk of finding someone special.
And thank you for your good wishes. I've had a lovely day. I spent the morning doing various chores and then I went to pick up grandson Tom and his best mate Robert (both age eleven) from their school and deliver them to Tom's mother who was kept late in a meeting. And then I cooked a delicious supper for two and had two glasses of wine with it and am now replying to you.
I hope you did as well.
Love,
Anthony
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Hey Anthony.
If such a moment were to come, where I'd meet someone, I honestly don't think I'd take it. I have my reasons. It's not that I like being 'single' I just don't like getting involved with people. Being involved with someone just wouldn't feel right to me.
Going to a group and hanging out with a bunch of people like me, is cool and all, but I can't do it. I don't like being around a lot of people. I went to Toronto one time, and there were so many people there that I started freaking out. That may seem a little much considering, but still, I can't go. It's not that I can't, it's that I choose not to. It's better for me to remain 'single' and not get involved with people.
A person I may end up 'liking' may in fact not be interested in me at all, so why waste their time. I'm not trying to sound stuck-up or anything, I'm just trying to be honest.
I don't believe that I'll ever be kissed. It's my choice again, and I don't want to be. If I were kissed someday, I'd run away. I just can't deal with people touching me. (That may sound pedophile-ish, but it's true.) I like keeping everyone else at arms reach and no more.
Everyone is special. Why take away someone's happiness for my own greed? People who are special to me, are friends and nothing more. That's all they can be...
~Josh~
21.
Love who you want to.
~Josh~
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Dear Josh,
Well that's fine. If you don't want to meet someone it's easy not to. I always did want to because I like people and wanted to get to know them and (crucial this) I thought they would like me. And to be honest I think most people do (though Anna says I'm weird).
And, of course when you like other people a LOT and they don't like you back that can be painful just as it can be the other way round when someone REALLY likes you and you can't reciprocate (that is so embarrassing and it is so difficult not to be unkind to them). I've had both problems and one has to get over them. And of course if you are gay it is more likely to happen because most of the boys you might like will be straight and most of the people who might like you are girls.
But I don't think you are in any danger of taking away someone's happiness (why did you say that?) and I don't understand what you are greedy about or how it could do anyone harm.
So it's really a question of what you want. Maybe you don't want to attract or be attracted. Maybe you don't want to be touched. (I find that hard to understand because when I touched myself I just KNEW it would be better to have someone else do it and I just had to wait for the opportunity with someone who I liked enough.)
But you must have many interests and whether it is flying kites or collecting stamps you should takes your chances to enjoy them and leave the question of relationships on the back burner until you feel it needs attention. I just realised I haven't the least idea what your interests are!
People who make an effort to stretch themselves increase their abilities and so have more opportunities in their life.
I'm not suggesting you should be like me, but I'd feel happier about you if I was sure you weren't stuck in a despairing and withdrawing frame of mind.
Love,
Anthony
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